Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYeitzei

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Our guest speaker, Max Filmore, will talk about investing money and saving. The last speaker spoke about giving Tzedakah. He was shunned. We shall never again bring a speaker who suggests people should give more to charity. Unpopular. We ask your forgiveness.

Shoshana Chana is starting a Bikur Cholim Committee. Nobody is showing up. If anybody has a heart, please show up. We also ask the Markowitz family visit their parents. Shoshana Chana is not their daughter.

The Shul will be honoring Simcha next month at the annual dinner for his accomplishment of being popular and knowing people. 

We ask people stop speaking Lashon Hara about Sue and Mark. They’re annoying. Very annoying. Show up to shul late all the time.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose Congregants by Asking them to do Mitzvot. How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care For Your Parents. How to Choose An Honoree Who Has Accomplished Nothing with Our Board. Lashon Hara and How it Enhances Our Lives at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. Yaakov left Israel, because his brother was going to kill him. I was going to leave this shul, because I wanted to kill you...

Rachel had no children. An example to our congregation. One of our Imahot, and she never bothered other people in shul with a baby carriage sitting in the hallway. She never had her kids running around the shul, screaming, “I’m going to kill you if you don’t give me a Sunkist fruit gem..." The kids here are crazy...
Rachel wants children. And not to steal all the cookies at Kiddish... Maybe she would like little league baseball. True mothers like the little league experience... Mrs. Shwarztein. You have never brought anything other than oranges on your snack day. This is why the kids don't like you. You can't play baseball after peeling an orange. The kids end up with sticky gloves...

(Bereishit 30:1-2) “She said to Yaakov, ‘Give me children, and if not I am dead.’” No woman values her husband that much. We know this. We can see this with the Felstein family, where Dr. Felstein’s wife always tells him, “You should die.” A regular Kiddish conversation when she doesn’t get herring. “If I don’t get herring, you are dead.” A little different than Rachel, who wanted a child... Some women want herring. That is fine, Bernie. To each their own.
A lot of death in this week’s Parsha. Not enough in our shul. There hasn't been a funeral in a month, and I'm going broke... Mrs. Felstein, do what you must.

Rashi quotes the Midrash and says that she asked Yaakov to pray for her. Yaakov got mad. That's usually my immediate response when people ask me to do a Mishebeyrach. "Why don't you do it?!"
Yaakov got mad at Rachel and retorts, “Am I instead of Gd that has withheld from you fruit of the womb?!”... Not Fruit of the Loom. They didn't have the cotton gin back then. It was much more uncomfortable. And you complain about boxer briefs... I know they fall on the leg. Very not comfortable. Somebody should talk to Fruit of the Loom. But Rachel is dealing with fruit of the womb. And I am sure Yaakov would've written a complaint to Fruit of the Loom...

Why was he mad? Because he didn’t do anything wrong here. Her father wronged her and stole from her. She was blindsided by everybody...
But she is asking him to pray. Sometimes, when you’re alone, and nobody is there to grieve with you, you feel dead. You have no kids for all that time that Yaakov is hanging out with Leah... I understand the husbands in this shul are off playing softball all the time. The only shul that plays softball in the winter. That's how out of shape you guys are. You can't play anything other than softball...
The reason nobody asks the congregants to pray. Your prayers are off. I believe Ethel got sicker because of your Mishebeyrachs...

Yaakov getting mad doesn’t help Rachel feel alive. She needed him to pray. To understand her and be there with her in her grief. To feel so badly that he would entreat H’.
Sometimes you need somebody to be there with you. To understand your grief. If people would just listen to my sermons...
So she gives Bilha. That’s a great way to have kids. It's like one of your pyramid schemes, Shlomo...

Are you going to join us when we need you?! To not think of us. But to care enough to pray for us, and put aside... When I asked the shul to pray for a new addition to the building...
We figure that the shul won’t get any money from the congregants anyways. Why talk about Tzedakah... We want to show people are coming to shul programming, so we are going to teach people how not to tithe, unless if they are getting a huge tax break...

Are you there with the people who are sick. Or do you get mad that they didn’t leave you enough money in the will...
Shoshi Chana is there. She understands when people need a prayer. She doesn't show up and get mad at them. She doesn't start yelling at them, "I am not Gd. Feel better yourself." She doesn't yell, "You're the fool who raised Mr. Markowitz Esq..."
It’s Bikur Cholim. It’s a Mitzvah. Nobody is going to show.

Shoshi Chana is considered not popular because she cares and wants to give... I understand that Shoshana Chana is a bit too much of a name. But she is doing something beautiful... Visiting the sick is beautiful.
Beauty and kindness are not liked by our membership, unless if there's an inheritance...
I get you're a lawyer, Mr. Markowitz and you don't need the money. But just because you have a job does not mean you throw your parents in a nursing home and don't visit... I understand the aides are close with them and have built up a relationship cleaning them up after they go to the bathroom... The problem is you are a bad child. You're a curse to your family...
You blamed Shoshi Chana for not being there for your mom. For your mom not being bathed correctly the other day, and the fact that nobody went to visit her on Wednesday or Thursday. Why are you blaming Shoshana for being kind...
Why are you blaming her for not cleaning your parents. It's not her job.
She's your mom. You visit... This is why your mom feels dead. You give her nothing, other than a paper to sign for you to take money from her account every once in a while...

It's death. It's death when people don't care about you. When you have a son like Mark Markowitz...
And Lashon Hara. All our membership does is kill people’s reputation. If you care about somebody, you don't gossip about them. You tell them how much you can't stand them. And I love this congregation... What did she do to you Simcha? She didn’t agree with you? Makes her bad?...
Why are you siding with Simcha? He’s obnoxious.
That's why we’re honoring him at the shul dinner. We’ve learned that our congregants give money for jerks... It makes them more popular.

What has Simcha done to get honored? He talks and leaves shul to drink. He drinks a lot of alcohol in shul, around kids. That's why we're honoring him... He's the only member who finds it necessary to pray under the influence of schnapps. That's why you like him...

Do you care enough. Do you know enough to actually pray for Ethel?
Or do you just want to give money to the annoying people who rub their money in your face?

Rashi teaches the Bereishit Rabbah that Yaakov is mad because he’s saying he’s not Rachel’s father. He wouldn’t hold back anything from her. He takes the issue as his. Rightfully, he dealt with so much lying, as Rachel did, from her father... That's not what Rachel needed. Rachel needed congregants that are not Simcha or Mark Markowitz. She needed Shoshi Chana... And you blame her for that.

Are you going to keep bringing your issues into the shul. Or will you let us grow. Will you finally pay Shoshi Chana to be a daughter, so that she can get some of the inheritance... When will Mrs. Felstein find joy?!

And you should tithe. Some people need you to listen to them, and then they need Tzedakah too... Sorry for bringing up the "T" word...

Rivka's Rundown
The true issue of the shul seemed to have been boxer briefs. Only our rabbi can bring that into a sermon, finding the spirituality in undergarments.

It would appear the rabbi was insinuating that Mrs. Felstein should kill her husband. People at Kiddish would appreciate the extra herring. That guy never shares. By the time I get to Kiddish, crackers and herring are gone.

The rabbi was saying that the grief is his congregation. Like Rachel wanted children, the rabbi doesn't want congregants.

Giving Tzedakah and tithing was not met with popular acceptance. Some said that we should get rid of a rabbi who feels Tzedakah is a good idea. Mentioning Shoshana Chana had a good idea with visiting the sick and being kind to people almost got him fired.
The board met to find out if there is an out clause for a rabbi who speaks of such stupidity.

It turns out, nobody in our shul has a heart. The most they did when they heard Thelma was in the emergency room by herself was say, "That's a shame." They felt by saying that, they're good Jews.
Shoshana Chana truly lost friends when she thought it a good idea to visit people in nursing homes. Nobody wants to talk to her now. They say she’s only doing it because she can’t find a job. By the way, Shoshi is successful and works full-time. Markowitz runs a firm. I believe he vacations full time.

The Markowitz family stopped coming to shul. They were offended the rabbi suggested it's on them to visit their mom and grandma every once in a while. To quote Mark, "I have a job."
The Markowitz family is there for their clients. They were very mad at the rabbi for saying they're not there. They made it clear at Kiddish, "We have been there for our clients whenever they need us. When they're sick or in a nursing home, we're there for our clients. If anybody needs good representation, here is my card."
It turns out that jobs exempt people from Mitzvot. Business seems to also not require one to wear a Yarmulke.

They speak Lashon Hara like it’s a Mitzvah. That's the one Mitzvah they can do at work.
The Lashon Hara class drew a lot more members to our congregation. They figured, "If this is a congregation that knows how to speak Lashon Hara, I want to be here."

It seems like being a jerk is praised in our community. You can’t do anything kind. If you're a jerk, they honor you. If you ask me, Simcha is a loser. He can't even hit a softball. He shows up to those games too drunk to hit the thing.

Everybody appreciated the How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care for Your Parents Class. The questions in the class had everybody focusing on how they don't have to visit, and how to get Shoshi Chana to care for their parents. They found it to be more financially helpful than Max Filmore's speech.