Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYechi

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We are going to celebrate Michael’s first birthday. His parents gave us nothing for his Bris, other than bagels and butter. For his first birthday, as it is not a Jewish event and thus a Heimishtein Simcha, they will serve pizza, ice cream, salmon, lox, bagels. A full bar of schnapps will also be had.
 
The fast is over Friday evening with Shabbat. If you made it till Shabbat, you don’t have to worry anymore about not eating. If you are at the Pitzkowitz home for Shabbis dinner, you may still be fasting till Shabbat morning, due to their Kugel recipe. It's disgusting.
 
We want to welcome everybody back from their Chanukah vacation they took this week, as it is not Chanukah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Simcha with No Lox. Celebrating At the Wrong Time and How to Show Up to Everything Late, Like Our President. What a Kugel Should Not Look Like with Mrs. Pitzkowitz.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Why do people get stuff? Well let me tell you, Bernie. It’s because they work for it. Unlike Sam, who got an Aliyah, who has never worked on a farm before... Our congregants should be farmers before we give them anything. Or at least they should show up to Minyin...

(Bereishit 48:19) Upon putting his right hand on Ephraim, Yaakov tells Yosef that Ephraim will be greater. Yosef wanted the right hand on Menashe, the older son. Yaakov tells Yosef, “I know my son. I know.” Kind of like I have to tell the board all the time... Why do we need a Kosher kitchen? Because a Kosher kitchen has to be Kosher. I have to constantly say, “I know. I have Smicha. I have rabbinic ordination. I know.” "I know you think you're important because you're on a board. I know. I know you know nothing. I know you like wasting my time. I know. I know you haven't given me a raise in three years. I know."
Yaakov knows Menashe is the firstborn. But he also knows Ephraim is destined for greatness. Haamek Davar explains that this is not because of the blessing. The blessing is there to aide. It’s because Ephraim learned with him. If any of you learned a little Torah every once in a while. If any of you ever got a decent job, maybe... (Rashi 48:1) The reason Yaakov is able to speak to Yosef immediately is because Ephraim was with him learning... When you're in the right place, things move fast. When you're not at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Unlike with the board, where everything moves so... Well, have you finished the December meeting yet?!
It was Ephraim's accomplishments in Torah study that deserved him the blessing and brought about his greatness. The blessing is there to help carry out the mission.
It’s the work. That is what brings the Bracha. The effort brings Bracha. It gives it a place to sit, not like in the back left, where everybody is talking during Davening. You can't even hear the Chazin back there. You can't hear any Brachas there... Because Shimon won't stop talking...

We all want, but do we do? Do you farm?!
(Bereishit 48:22) Yosef gets Shechem.
Why does Yaakov give him more? Rashi says because he is working for Yaakov’s burial. So, Yaakov gives him land he will be buried in... Yosef is buried in Shechem.
Why don’t you get anything? Because you don’t help.
It’s the work. that brings the Bracha.
I know this congregation doesn't work. I know. I haven't seen dues paid in twelve months.
I know nobody here ever wants to help with the Chevra Kadisha. I know.

Nobody here helps. Nobody learns. If you learned, you would understand you waste time... Learning isn't wasting time. Learning reminds you, you waste time... No. Not when you're learning...
We would have blessing. Bracha. I know this shul is messed up. I know.

You want. But you don't give. You don't work. It is all meaningless. No Brachas.
It’s just Jewish events mean nothing to you... You should’ve had the lox at the Bris. Instead, you put down 5k on Michael’s first birthday party... No. He won’t remember it. The congregation will remember that the Bris had butter...
We would’ve been blessed with a normal Bris.
I know the families in this shul are messed up. I know.

Asarah BTevet was a one day fast. Calm down. It's over. You're having flashbacks to a ten hour fast... I understand you ate at the Pitzkowitzs. I know it's hard. But it is over... Her Kugel is very hard.
It would've been a blessing to have a normal Kugel that was soft.
I know the congregants are crazy. I know.

I won’t eat at the Pintzkowitz home. Not with sweet lokshen spinach Kugel. Who makes sweet spinach???
And then the pine nut olive oil and honey chumus???
If Mrs. Pintzkowitz learned to make a normal Kugel, there would be blessing...

Again. It's about giving. It's about proper action.
You don’t even do Chanukah vacation at the right time... It was the week after Chanukah. It should be January vacation. That’s what the Jewish school should call it. You have a preChanukah party and a postChanukah vacation. That is how you celebrate Chanukah...
You do everything at the wrong time. Late. You do vacation late. You can’t even show up to Minyin on time.
If you spent your holiday time correctly, we would’ve been blessed with a beautiful Chanukah. The kids would’ve got great Chanukah gifts. Instead, they got December gifts... Chanukah gifts are Chanukah gelt... Yes. Money made out of chocolate. That is how money should be made. Money made out of chocolate is a Bracha.
I know everything this congregation does makes no sense. I know.

I know this shul is messed up. I know. But if you work on cooking. If you work on practicing the holidays in the right time. If you work on birthdays for people who know it’s their birthday. People other than three-year-olds. If you work at getting rid of the board, we can be great. We can be deserving of a blessing, and extra land for a bigger parking lot... It would be a blessing if you could pay dues with chocolate. I agree.

If you work on yourselves, we might be deserving of a blessing, to carry out the mission of practicing MItzvot correctly, and getting rid of Bernie...
We should be blessed with the Bracha of getting rid of the board.

If you learned Torah, you would deserve Bracha. If you just worked at stuff, you would deserve it.
I know this will not happen. I know...
We are only accepting farmers as congregants from now on.

Rivka's Rundown
I can’t tell you what farming has to do with an Aliyah to the Torah. Maybe if the farmer was learning twelve hours of Torah a day, the sermon would have made sense.
The rabbi started a dairy farm in the shul's parking lot. I think the rabbi truly always wanted a petting zoo. He accidentally bought cows. He didn't realize they were too big for little kids to pet.

The sermon was Paytonic. The rabbi wrote a piyut as he gave his sermon. The theme of "I know this congregation is messed up. I know," was beautiful. The Bracha was Yaakovesque. The rabbi even delivered it in acrostic form, which spelled out, "The congregants are is very annoying. Not a Bracha."

The rabbi is right. We have to celebrate our Judaism more. It’s for this reason, I didn’t show up to Michael’s first birthday and I didn’t buy him a gift. I saved four hours and around a hundred eighty dollars. I wrote the rabbi how much I appreciated his sermon. And I paid part of my dues.

Nobody worries about the destruction of Jerusalem on these fasts. They think about when they can eat again. And then they worry about when the next fast will be. The destruction of the Temple is truly mourned by our membership. They're all praying for a future redemption where they will be able to eat.

The Pintzkowitzs are really into that sweet and sour thing. They have gone too far. They’ve been making spicy cheesecake. It’s disgusting. They put hot peppers in the cheesecake. They say it adds flavor. It adds messed up flavor.
And then they serve the cheesecake as a main. They decided that since peppers are in it, it's not dessert.

Our community uses the holidays for parties and vacations. They say, "It's a week before the holiday, we should celebrate it now." That’s why so many people don’t like Yom Kippur. There aren’t enough pre-Yom Kippur vacations and parties planned. The board is planning a pre-Yom Kippur Sinoff this year. To quote the president, "The idea is to get people to come to shul. They don't come for Yom Kippur anymore. They will come to shul to sin."

It's all messed up. There is no blessing, because nobody works at anything.
They said the bird in the shul was a Bracha. It was in the shul because nobody closed the window. Nobody lifted a hand to close the window. It would’ve been a blessing to have a shut window during the winter, with no animals flying around while I’m saying the Amidah.