Sermons of Rebuke IV: Vayakhel

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The board kept it a Tetzaveh Sermon of Rebuke last week, on Ki Tisa. But it made no difference, as nobody even knew we were in Shemot.

We are collecting chocolate bars and sugar candy for the poor. We figured that you might donate your leftover Mishloach Manot. Nobody’s donated useful stuff, like pasta.
Please don’t bring cooked pasta again. The cardboard donation box doesn’t have a fridge to keep the pasta good for the poor people. And the membership still refuses to have a soup kitchen, as they're trying to keep poor people out of the shul. To quote the rabbi: "Enough of our membership already doesn't pay dues."
 
We want to welcome our new Sefardic congregant, Amisar, to the congregation. Many have asked, as they’re worried about racism. Security knows he’s Jewish. They've been notified that he looks like he's from Israel.
Amisar wants everybody to know he appreciates rabbis. Please don’t judge him. His culture hasn’t taught him the proper etiquette of how to be a congregant.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up a Parsha Sheet with Our Board and Other People Who Know Nothing About Torah. How to Give a Donation That Doesn't Help Anybody. Honoring Your Rabbi and Other Unappreciated Concepts.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It's Parshat Parah. About the red heifer... No. The red heifer is not a redheaded woman. That’s offensive and disgusting... Almost as offensive as telling a security guard we have Sefadi people in the shul.

(Shemot 36:6) “... a voice went out in the camp saying, ‘Man and woman shall do no more work of donations for the Temple.’ And they were prevented from bringing.” No voice went out in our shul telling people to stop with donations. People just haven’t paid their dues. Our congregants have made it a religious point to not help...
Yes. You do bring stuff. But that is not what we would call donations. When it's stuff the shul doesn't want, it's called congregants... You only gave the stuff Goodwill said no to... Nobody needs your paisley shorts, Bernie. Why would we hang paisley from the Aron...
We’re preventing you from bringing donations that you want to give... Because we don’t want it. We don’t need something that went out of style in 1924. We tried putting a security guard at the door. But you still bring stuff... The security guard is not to keep Sefardim out. There just haven't been any Sefardim in Topeka. They don't make those kind of mistakes...

Amen?! It wasn't a Bracha... Let us welcome our new Sefardi congregant. Bruchim HaBaim...

The Torah tells us what was needed. What to give. Worn out sandals, missing a sole, were not one of the things that the wise of heart brought to the Tabernacle... And your sandals also have no heart.

(Shemot 36:8-13) Each tapestry was 28 cubits... They had plans. They didn’t just put it together like this sanctuary... Our board didn’t decide on renovations in the Tabernacle. Otherwise, you would’ve had random sheets hanging in awkward places. Why is there a drape hanging in right in the middle hallway... I don't care if it looks nice. It just makes it impossible to walk through the place...
Of course they had 50 clasps. It didn’t fall, like the stucco on the inside of the shul... Who does stucco on the inside... Not Carole King...
Amen?! Did the Sefardi guy say Amen again?!...

The poor people drive is sad. What about a normal donation. Normal food. Like cans. We can only get you to bring your trash... Cleaning your home for Pesach does not constitute a donation... If Goodwill won’t take it, it’s not charity. Goodwill does not have a candy bar section...

What we do support is our new congregant. Amisar. We want new congregants. That would be a good donation. If somebody donated new congregants...
It's racist to think that Jews who look like they’re from the Middle East need to be checked by security... What does “looking like he's from Israel” mean?! He's darker. Exactly. If you guys would not be so pale...

Why all the Amens... We have a new Sefardi congregant. I get it. OK. Welcome. It’s great to have you. Ashkenazim don’t interrupt sermons, unless if they hate the rabbi and want to disagree... I am not used to the support. Please stop that. I am used to not liking my congregants...

Sefardi people didn't mess up this shul with donations of finger paintings that the Minkowitz family hung in the hallway. Amen... Yes. Amen.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was on with the puns. The Carole King Tapestry album reference, and no heart when talking about the sole. Brilliance. Kept everybody engaged, except for Fran who had no idea who Carole King was. Fran insisted that the rabbi only talk about Jewish girls.

Point of the sermon. Never let our membership get involved in helping the shul. And they won’t.
The donations are pathetic. It generally is trash. Literally, trash. Nobody has ever brought the shul a nice pair of gold earrings. Michal Negrin is the nicest stuff. It was the plastic jewelry.

The bad donations. This is why poor people get diabetes. Our membership. Nobody is donating red meat in a fridge.
By the way, cooked pasta is not a good donation because it will go bad. This is based on evidence from the donation box in the back of the shul that hasn't been brought to the Topeka food cupboard in over a month. 
How cans became the go to for poor people. They love cans. I think it was our congregants, getting rid of three-year-old tuna and hearts of palm that had two more months. If hearts of palm come in something that is not a can, please let me know. I've never seen it.

The new Sefardi guy doesn't speak Hebrew. The rabbi said the congregants just are a bunch of racists who assume all Sefardim speak Hebrew, because they have that strong accent.

The rabbi wasn’t happy with the Sefardic support. He didn’t know how to handle a congregant who supported and appreciates the rabbi.
The new Sefardi, Amisar, said Amen to everything in the rabbi’s sermon. It was agreement. With Bernie and all the congregants asking questions, arguing with the rabbi, and going off on how the rabbi doesn’t know Torah, mixed with the Sefardi guy that respects rabbis, the sermon ended up going for an hour and ten minutes.
His appreciating rabbis had everybody hating him. One congregant turned from questioning the rabbi to questioning the Sefardi guy with his support of the rabbi. Asking him why he would come to shul with that kind of support. To quote: “Never let that guy on the board. Sefardim on the board will kill the makeup of our congregation." To quote Fran's response: "We're about tradition. Only Jews that don’t like rabbis."