Sermons of Rebuke IV: Toldot

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We want to apologize for not enough eggs salad and tuna salad at Kiddish. We understand they’re an important staple in our shul and for the Jewish community at large. We know that nobody came to shul the week after the last egg salad two servings for the whole community fiasco. No good Jew has a meal at shul without egg salad. And that includes Shalishudis.
It is under investigation. We don't know who the fool is that thought deviled eggs was a good idea. We apologize for that faux-pa. We are kicking them off the Kiddish crew.
Again. We are deeply sorry for the lack of egg salad. We don't have anybody who can Layn the Parsha this week. If you know how to read the Torah portion, please let us know.

We are going to make a shul family tree. We want to honor the shul with it, so please leave out anybody from the Pintzkowitz Mishpuchi. Also leave out anyone related to any man that Davens in the back left of the shul. The rabbi made it clear that he wants to forget them.

Michelle and Mike purchased an apartment in Israel. We want to wish them a Mazel Tov on their view. We hope to not see them in shul anymore.

Contemporary Halacha classes are also classes about Halacha. Halacha hasn't changed. The laws have remained the same, even if you drive to shul on Shabbis. You are still sinning.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Importance of Egg Salad in Shul and Hiding the Taste of Simi’s Choolent Which Nobody Likes. Laws of Israel and How a View Can Be So Beautiful and An Apartment So Ugly. Why You Don’t Have a Family Tree And Why Your Family Doesn't Visit You. What is Contemporary Halacha and Why You Haven't Shown Up To Contemporary Halacha Classes Yet.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
And they quarreled over wells. A lot of well quarreling... Well. They quarreled.
How did it start? It didn’t start because Rebecca pulled Sarah Freida’s hair. We will ask the youth director to do something about that... She has done nothing since taking over the job... Well stop the fighting at least. Aren't groups supposed to be going on now? Why you’re in for the sermon is an anomaly. You’re the youth director... Rebecca is not an anti-Semite, even though Sarah Freida sounds more religious. Sarah Freida a more religious name. The double name makes her more religious. The more names...

How did it start? (Bereishit 26:13-14) Yitzchak moves back to the Gerar Philistines area and he became great. “until he was very great.” Not like our Gabai who has just put on a lot of weight. “And there was to him flocks and herds, and a lot of business, and the Philistines became jealous.”
Jealousy. Jealous of someone else's success. Where all problems start... Jealousy is forbidden, Bernie. Even if you don't like the rabbi.

(Bereishit 26:15) So, they stopped up the wells dug by Avraham's servants. Kind of like the time they took away my parking spot, and then put cones there saying, “It’s dangerous to park here.”

This is what jealousy does. It destroys. It ruins even stuff that's good for you. In our shul, it leads to bigger hats in the women’s section... Are you trying to protect your kids from the snow with that thing? I think it’s forbidden to wear that thing on Shabbis. It's a tent.

The Philistines stopped up Avraham’s wells. They even violated Avimelech’s covenant (Rashi). Due to this jealousy, they lost a sense of their values. Kind of like when we left Gaza and they decided to destroy the green houses. Are you idiots?! It is just like when I left the shul for a Shabbis and the Gabai gave the sermon. Just like the Chazin when he sings. You all ruin everything. You destroy the enjoyment of shul...
You wanted it, and now you don’t have it, because you destroyed it. Real smart.

They couldn’t take the wells going back to Yitzchak. The rightful heir to the wells

When there is jealousy you violate tradition. You violate values. You violate agreements. And then you have a board that can't give a rabbi a raise.

Halacha doesn’t change with jealousy or wealth... But we will take your donations...
It’s Halacha. Why does it have to change because we have Bernie in the shul?!
I feel like the laws change when it comes to Shaindel’s new hats store... Shaindel’s Heimish Hats will not sell in Topeka. The hats wouldn't sell in New York. Heimish does not go with style. "Oy! What a Gevalt Fedora. It's Mamish Heimish." Nobody is paying for that, unless if it's a side dish. "Oy! What a Gevalt tuna salad. It's Mamish Heimish." I'm paying ninety dollars for that deluxe Mamish tuna.
Just call it Shaindel's huge hats... You can't sell them in shul. We had an agreement that people would not block other people's views of me with their hats...

Ancestry is important. Offspring? We can see in our congregation that it’s not always a blessing.
Have you seen junior congregation?!
And that is what quarreling and jealousy looks like... I told our youth director to call every one of them up to the Torah when they do the fake Layning at junior congregation. If not, there will be fights... Well, they learn from their parents. Jealousy over Aliyahs. And now we have to buy a new Torah. 45K in the hole, because jealousy caused Torah rippage... Max. You attacked the Gabai and knocked over the Bar Mitzvah boy's cousin, who was doing Galilah...

It is this jealousy that causes things to get ruined. Like Kiddish this week, where there's no egg salad.
Without egg salad you don’t have Kiddish. You can call it "a depressing post service non-Heimish conversation with Bernie and Ethel." Not Kiddish...
Egg salad is the condiment and main of choice at Kiddish... Your choolent is disgusting without egg salad...
Deviled eggs?! No. Deviled eggs are not egg salad. They're the devil's eggs because they keep people from coming to shul...

And now Michelle and Mike are talking about their view in Israel. Trying to make people jealous... Always a view. In Israel, you’re always showing off your view. Because the inside of the house is disgusting. "Look at my view. From my house, you can look out and see something really nice."
The Philistines would've blocked the view...

When you don't have appreciation, you do stupid stuff, like stopping up wells and overflowing the toilets... It was clogged already, Bernie.
Like Rav Dessler teaches, you can't have jealousy and takers, and then appreciation. They can't coexist. And this is how you end up with no egg salad.

Like the Philistines. Jealousy affects our heritage. It destroys people. And then you end up with the president of our board.
It ends up being a Kiddish with no egg salad. And Rebecca hitting people for Oreos. Pulling out hair...

And that is Halacha.

Rivka's Rundown
Exactly. A Kiddish with no egg salad. Says it all. Not much more to say.

The rabbi made it clear that the Philistines are not Palestinians. Though Abbas said they are also descendants of Arafat.

Very true. The more names you have makes you more religious. That includes parents' names with a Ben or Bat before them. If your name is Rebecca, you better have a mother with at least four names to get a good Frum Shidduch out of high school. Rebecca Bat Freida Blima Shaindel Bracha.

Nobody showed up to the Why You Haven't Shown Up to Contemporary Halcha Class Yet Halacha class. I am guessing they didn't know why they didn't show up to that class either.

Little Rebecca is crazy. She hates all Jews. At least it looks like that at junior congregation.
The rabbi is correct. The youth should not be in for the sermon. There are enough grownups there that can’t pay attention for the forty minute sermons.
The rabbi was saying the youth should be at youth groups. Makes sense. They're youth groups. Though, I have a feeling our new youth director took them into the sermon for safety. She figured Rebecca wouldn't pull hair in front of the Aron Kodesh. But she was wrong. Rebecca pulled out a chunk of Sarah Freida's head.
After the rabbi said, "And that's Halacha," eight men jumped on Rebecca, to keep her from attacking anybody else, and to stop the possible idol worship ritual.

Since when did big hats become something people get jealous of?
I’m 100% with the rabbi. Yiddish does not match style. You can’t be posh and speak Yiddish. No French designer is out there selling Heimish clothes. You sell Heimish food. And that means egg salad. Heimish egg salad.
Sheindel is also not a designer name for anybody not selling nightgowns and Tichels.

Nothing was mentioned about Thanksgiving in the rabbi's sermon. I think he was extremely not happy to see all of the families visiting. Anything he was thankful for was overshadowed by the congregation.
Most rabbis say, "It's great to see the children and the grandchildren." Our rabbi just gave a look of unhappiness and talked about stopping up wells.

The rabbi considers congregants to be offspring. Therefore, offspring is not good.
Offspring of who? Probably bad people.
The Message as I Understood It: Ancestors are good. Grandparents messed up. So grandparents are bad. Grandparents are not ancestors. Ancestors are at least three generation ago, according to our rabbi.

The shul family tree did not work out. It turns out that even though the Chachkin cousins married each other, the rest of the shul is not family. It also turns out people don't even know their parent's names for Yarhzeits. Calling up Aliyahs to the Torah sometimes takes fifteen minutes before somebody remembers the guy's father's name. Last week we had to help Steve. It took forty minutes before anybody could figure out the name of the guy who owned the corner store. That was Steve's dad. By the time they found out his name most of the congregants thought the sermon was over.

That was a tricky move in the announcements. There was no egg salad. That was going to keep people from coming to shul, until they found out that there was no one to read the Torah and they could get out early, due to the lack of our membership's commitment to Mitzvahs.

What kind of fools don’t put out egg salad at Kiddish?! One woman said, "Chumus is good too." Yes. If you’re having falafel. Which they serve anytime we have something going on that has anything to do with Israel. They had falafel on Israeli pizza night.
I agree with the rabbi and the board that deviled eggs are not enjoyable. Paprika has to be mixed in for eggs to taste good. With all that paprika on top, it's too dusty.
I feel bad for Maxine. Maxine made deviled eggs because Cheryl was saying, "No more egg salad." She thought she was doing the next best thing.
Now she's going to have to do her cooking at home, and that costs more money.

Purchasing a view is not a good idea on the money front. You get there and you start to think you should've bought your neighbor's house. The good one. “Look outside my house. Now that is nice. My neighbors. Now, that's a nice house.”