Sermons of Rebuke IV: Tetzaveh and Parshat Zachor

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Our speaker this week will be giving a talk in support of Israel. There should be no talking during her presentation. It's not Davening.
We ask that people keep the talking down in shul. We understand that you will not hold back from conversation. We just ask you to keep at an inside voice. Yelling about your child’s little league baseball success during Musaf is not necessary.
 
You must be quiet for Parshat Zachor. It’s a commandment to hear it, so don’t talk. It’s not a Mitzvah to hear about Mini’s nieces.
We must erase the memory of Amalek. We are trying to forget the membership of the shul.
 
This Thursday night is Purim. We ask that Mike doesn’t dress up. His tight clothing scares the children.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: Being Loud When You Hear Haman, Like Mini Talking in Shul. How The Congregants in Our Shul are a Type of Haman (this class will be given by congregants). Why Mike Lost Custody of His Children and How That Relates to Grownups in Costume.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We would like to call up Dafney for Israel... I don’t know if Dafney is a Hebrew name. But she’s for Israel...
Thank you. Beautiful speech about how Israel accepts homosexuals... What Dafney was saying is that Israel is accepting. Like the Ephod and Choshen that had the names of all the tribes... Sadie. Good question. Homosexual is not a tribe... When we crossed the Jordan, they were not allotted the land of Tel Aviv... 

When we look to our Parsha, we see the importance of clothing. You make clothes correctly... Many homosexuals do dress well. That is true. At least they were suits that fit. Unlike the men sitting in the back left...
Clothes have meaning. You don’t just buy a suit from Kohl’s and call it a day. You get a tailor, so you don’t look like Bernie... You check for Shatnez and make sure it fits, Bernie. You’re swimming in the thing... Well. Husky is one size too many nowadays. You’re either in the mob, or you lost three hundred pounds, or your suit is from 1991.
(Shemot 28:31) The Kohen Gadol's robe and the Ephod were turquoise wool. Looked good. A nice color. Not puke brown...
(Shemot 28:33-35) The robe had to have pomegranates with gold bells all around. “...and he shall not die.” You have to make noise. You have to let H’ know you’re coming... Not like Reuven who has a conversation with Shloimi in the back of shul. Gd knows you’re talking... You're very loud when you talk.
You all have to stop sneaking up on me with messed up questions at Kiddish. Announce it.  Don’t announce it like Felvel’s suit... It’s too loud... Next time you come up to me and whisper a dumb question, I will attack you. You will die.
The point is you dress nicely, and you don't scare people. You don't popup in shul dressed like Mike...

Everybody loves greenish blue... Of course, not real pomegranates. That would stain the turquoise...
Even your costumes are not appropriate for shul... Well, you could've dressed like a Mensch. Why did none of our congregants dress like a Mensch for Purim???

Your Purim costumes are not right. If the Kohen Gadol wore those into the Kodesh Kadashim, he would die... This is where “I would not be caught dead in that shirt” comes from.
I hope we're not doing a costume parade this year. It's Asur. It's like Mardi Gras with a bunch of people who are not enjoying it... Jews don't smile when they dress in costumes if there is no alcohol involved...
Grownups in costumes, like a teapot is scary to children. Grownups in costumes are considered not right for neighborhoods or our shul, Mike. Tight teapots are forbidden... Well, Mike, it keeps families from coming to shul for the holidays...

Thank you for intertwining Purim and our shul, and how it would be a great Purim if our congregants were not in this shul anymore. Beautiful Dafney... I thought our members only talked when I’m talking. It turns out they talk whenever they have the chance to disrupt...
It’s not Davening. Do you always talk in shul?! Is it just a thing that you can’t help. You come to shul and you feel, “Now is the time to talk”?!...
Well Reuven. You're too loud... Then keep it down... You keep it down?! You shushed the Chazin. Told him he was ruining your conversation. "We are talking about my upcoming vacation to Panama.”
The Kohen Gadol didn’t walk around talking to people about where they’re vacationing for Pesach. That conversation was not part of the service when he was atoning for your sins...

We're about to read Parshat Zachor. Can you be quiet for that?! Just for that! I am not asking you to not talk for Dafney. You already talked during her speech...
You have to remember Amalek to wipe them out... I do not know if Bernie is part of Amalek.
We have to erase the memory of Amalek and the board. I am trying to erase the memory of the shul... And we remember. Just as Aharon wore the names of the tribes, we remember how disruptive our congregants are, and how not put together they look. And we must wipe out Amalek...

We are all part of this community. Likutei Sichot of the Chabad Rebbe (vol.21 p186-187) teaches that the pomegranates represented the seemingly empty Jews, that are filled with seeds. The Kohen Gadol had to represent them. Empty Jews, i.e. our congregants... And yes. We include the Jews of Tel Aviv. Shloimi... Why is Shloimi talking to me now?!
The Kohen Gadol didn’t wear the pomegranates and bells on his robe on Yom Kippur, because on that day we are all holy. Even the members of our shul that look like shlubs and talk all of Davening. And you don’t mess up your clothes as much, as your shoes can’t be leather... Pomegranates rub off the leather easier than Converse All Stars...

The Jews with empty questions. I will stab you. Come up to me, like a Mensch. Come to shul dressed like a Mensch. It's not Yom Kippur... This has nothing to do with the Purim and Yom Kippurim Drasha...

Rivka's Rundown
Based on what we learn from the Kohen Gadol, our rabbi suggested he would shoot the next person who asked him a question at Kiddish.
The rabbi threatened the congregation. After the rabbi let the membership know they will be stabbed if they come to him with a dumb question, nobody came to the rabbi for a couple of weeks. To quote our rabbi: "This has been the best two weeks of my tenure. I still had to see the congregants."
People ended up not giving any money for Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts for the poor on Purim, because the rabbi hadn't told them how much to give, and they were too afraid to ask.
The board didn't like the rabbi's threats, but they were too afraid to fire him. Which brought in a new era of the rabbi taking more vacation days without notice.

I agree with the rabbi. Our congregants are pomegranates. They stain things.

The rabbi gave the speech before reading Parshat Zachor today, because the message of people not talking was necessary to hear about killing Amalek, and how our congregants have annoying questions and don't dress like Menschin.
How the rabbi got the no talking from wearing nice clothes and staining nice clothes with pomegranates, that is the brilliance of our leader.

I agree with the rabbi. It would be nice if everybody wore turquoise. I would also like to not be surprise by our congregants coming over to me in Kiddish. I would like to see them from far away, so I could know if they were inching closer for conversation, so I could run. If they had on turquoise, I would be able to notice them better. Turquoise has that pop that I can catch with the corner of my eye, as Felvel is approaching the choolante.
The only meaning of the clothes I see in the men’s section is that our congregants don’t care how they look. The old suit styles are like a Purim costumes. It's like those clown pants that people start walking out of.

I will say that grownups in costume is wrong. You report that. You see a fifty year old in Barney walking down the street, that's a predator. You keep him away from the kids. Even if he's a hired entertainer. You keep kids away. Any grownup dressed as a teapot with tights, you report that.

A Mensch would be a good costume. I've never seen one of our members dressed like one of those.

The costume parade was messed up. It looked like a bunch of little kids not walking correctly. Orthotics. The amount of kids in our shul that need orthotics is messed up. Maybe it was the huge costumes that weighed them down in weird ways forcing them to wobble, maybe it was that they just had to go to the bathroom. I think it was orthotics.

The rabbi called Dafney off the Bima in two minutes. She went off on how Israel should be loved because of homosexuality. The rabbi was fine with that. He just didn't think that would speak to the Muslim population that supports Gaza in our shul.
Dafney only had a few people talking during her two-minute speech. After the rabbi told off the shul, and said shut up for Dafney, she got in a good paragraph of Israel advocacy. Then the rabbi threw her off the Bima. She was an excellent scholar-in-residence. Her speech costed the shul 3k.

They talk so much. I think they forget they're in shul. That is the men in the back left. They even shushed some of the children. In the middle of the Torah service I heard Shloimi say, "Dad is trying to talk."
I asked why he brought his kid to shul to shush him. He said shushing his kid is part of Chinuch, Jewish education.
The rabbi suggested the congregants never talk. To quote, "Our relationship with Gd would be better if He didn't hear you."
I don’t remember hearing Parshat Zachor. I only remember Shloimi screaming at his kid for talking when he was talking. Hearing Parshat Zachor is a commandment. So is honoring your parents.