Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shoftim

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We ask members stick to the tunes everybody knows. Nobody in our shul needs kids who just got back from Israel trying to make the membership better Jews with a tune they learned at Yeshiva.

We also ask members to not bring back old tunes they liked. There’s a reason we stopped singing the Yankee Doddle Adon Olam.

We ask members keep on their weight so we can still like you. Nobody likes Shloimi anymore. Since he lost weight, nobody even knows the guy. He’s a different person. The half everybody liked is gone. Now he’s talking about smoothies and kale.
We apologize to any congregant that got stuck next to Shloimi at Kiddish the past month. It’s hard enjoying Kishka next to him.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Songs We Sing, Songs We Like- Unlike Baruch’s Tunes. How to Not Be Annoying After You Lost Weight.

Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We need judges. This shul needs judges. People scoring how the Aliyah went, how the ark opening went... It was so slow today. The curtain took a minute to open. I’ve never seen somebody pull so slow... I understand the housing committee is worried about having to fix more damages. But pulling a string is not going to raise the cost of the leak in the roof.

You give the Kohanim and Leviim stuff... Because you’re commanded, Bernie. (Devarim 18:2) They have no land. ‘H’ is his inheritance’... Money Bernie. You give them money. Food. Stuff. H' didn't give them land so they wouldn't waste all of their time comparing the size of their houses like...
I’m not saying the rest of the Jews should spend their whole lives in Yeshiva. I have no idea how this got translated as that... Yes they should learn. They should learn to give a little... Good stuff. You guys give the shul your books you want to throw out. This is why H’ tells you exactly what to give the Kohens and Levis. Because you guys would give the worst stuff. Like your set of The Hardy Boys...

(Devarim 18:3-4) You give the ‘forelegs, the jaw and the maw...' You give the good stuff. Everybody loves the maw. The tongue and stomach stuff is amazing... If you cook it right. Not like Sarah and the rest of the sisterhood who messes up Stella D'oros.
You give ‘the first of your grain, your wine, your oil, your sheep shearing...’
H’ tells you what to give. You would give the second fruits. Maybe the fourth fruits.
You’d give the second shearing... I don’t know what the second shearing is. But you would give it. Anything to save money.
You gave the suggested donation for the dinner... There was an option to give $1,800 and $3,600. You gave $18...

If we judged your Davening, it would’ve been judged annoying...
Teaching a tune??? Baruch. You're leading Davening, not pushing tunes nobody knows. It's a sing along where nobody knows the tune. Kind of like Shacharit on a regular Shabbat... You all mess up the songs.
H' doesn't tell you to sing. He tells you to pray... This is why you do what H' tells you. He doesn't tell you to drop off books at shul nobody likes. He doesn't tell you to sing songs nobody likes.
Baruch. Your tune sounded like a bunch of moaning... That's what happens when our congregants get involved.
Phil. Using old tunes is like pushing a new tune. Nobody knows them. They’re old. Just do the tunes they already know. They can’t even sing those right.
And nobody likes the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam... That was eighty years ago, before they had guitars.

H' wants religious Jews to eat well. This is why He gave the first maws... Shloimi. Nobody likes you anymore. You took off weight and nobody likes you now.
I don’t know why every member over fifty has to talk about how much weight they lost. And you’re still out of shape... You lose weight and you're out of shape. And then we have to hear you talk about it.
I can’t have a conversation with you anymore. I like talking to the whole you. Not the annoying half...
All you have now is the judgmental half. The half Gd doesn't approve of.

They will take away your membership if you lose more weight... Because you talk about it and nobody can stand it. Talk about Torah. Talk about giving something to the Levites. Maybe judge some of the other annoying members.
And your house is not that big...

Rivka's Rundown
We’ve had that water leak in the ceiling for years. Bracha loves it. She feels like she’s praying outside. She likes the meditative connection the leak allows her.

Biggest thing in shul now is to have a bigger house. It seems to be a way to show you're a better Jew. If you cover the whole lot with your house, and get rid of the grass, you're a better Jew.

We're a very judgmental shul. The rabbi didn't have to suggest more judment. The congregants started holding up numbers after Aliyahs. They graded based on speed to get up there. How long Mishebeyrachs were. And if the guy had to look at the Aliyah Hebrew cheat-sheet.
Yankel Moishe never got an Aliyah again. After his forty-eight person Mishebeiyrach, the Gabai chose to forget his name.

Our membership gives the worst donations to our shul. For a picture for the hallway, they gave a fingerprinting.
And they can’t cook right. They would mess up maw. Due to our members donating and dedicating Kiddishes, I've never had a decent maw.
The rabbi needs to put out a divine list of acceptable donations. I suggested that to the board. They said they already put together the Yizkur appeal card.

Who's giving more than the suggested donation? What idiots are thinking, 'I can enjoy the dinner for $18, but I do have a choice to pay $1,800.' I've never paid $1,800 for a dinner and felt that was more meaningful. I felt I had to work more the next week. The only thing Gd wanted out of that donation I gave was more prayer I will get that money back.

I can’t believe they brought back the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam. I walked out.
Baruch got back from Yeshiva and started doing these new tunes for Kabbalat Shabbat, thinking everybody will become more religious because of his LCha Dodi. All he got was nobody singing along. I don't know. They might have been singing along. All I heard was moaning.

Why is it when they lose weight that’s all they can talk about? And then they give advice. They’ve been fat their whole lives and now they’re a diet guru. Always kale. Always talking about kale.
Asking people to keep on weight wasn’t a problem. The rabbi asked and the people went back to their regular diet. The cost of Kiddish sponsorship went up.