Sermons of Rebuke IV: Re'eh

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The Shul BBQ at the AAA Topeka Tigers game was a good time had by all. The rabbi wants you all to know he had such a great time. He felt like a nonJew.

Summer is almost over. The kids are coming home. We are going to soundproof and stainproof the shul. Anybody willing to help, please call the office and let them know you will not be bringing your kids to shul.

Show to work week with the rabbi was not a success this year. The rabbi wants to apologize for getting his members fired. He didn't mean to share how annoying you are with your bosses.

We understand if you are not fully able to cover dues this year due to lack of employment caused by your rabbi

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Enjoy Jewish Living as a NonJew. How to Keep Your Children Out of Shul and the Rabbi Happy. How to Not Get Fired by Showing to Shul On Time.

Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 11:26) H’ puts a ‘Brachas and Klalah’ in front of us. A blessing and curse... You follow the Bracha. You idiot. The only congregation that thinks the curse is the right way to go...
H’ also tells us to be happy (Devarim 12:12). I haven’t seen a person here smile in years. Be happy and do Mitzvahs... I don’t know how you can do Mitzvahs and be happy with the makeup of this congregation. Somewhere must be doing this happy smiling thing... 
Translation of a Klalah. Being with this unhappy congregation is a Klalah.

So many Mitzvot in this Parsha... Yes. Moshe repeats them, because you people never listen the first time. This is why I have to give very long sermons. Repeating myself...
(Devarim 13:1) ‘Don’t diminish or add to the Mitzvahs...’ I don’t think we have to worry about adding to the Mitzvahs in our congregation. We definitely don't have to worry about people smiling more than the Halachically allotted amount of happy... Adding to curses. Yes...

You have to be happy and smile so that you won't search out these weird ways you all... Meditation is crazy. Meditation leads to idol worship with your added ways of connecting... You all sitting silently so I can think is allowed.
(Devarim 12:30) ‘Be aware... after they’re destroyed from before you. Lest you search their gods, saying, ‘How did these nations serve their gods? And I will do the same.’ 
The nations are destroyed and you want to follow them?! It takes a fool like our membership to follow in something that just got destroyed. Only you guys think losing is a good idea. 'Let's follow the ones who got destroyed.' You still think we should have a softball team next year... We got killed. Every game, they destroyed us. Losing 12 to 3 is not good. And that was our best game...
‘Be aware’ you need a warning, because you do stupid stuff... It should be 'Be aware. Dog on premises. Don't follow the idol worshippers.'
Anything stupid, you guys try it. Pickleball. Evey one of you has to give it a go. Never tennis. Pickleball.
Curse comes from serving false gods. Trying to find happiness elsewhere...

Finally, a decent event at this shul. The yearly baseball game with a BBQ at the ballpark was amazing. I felt like a Goy. That’s my goal... Bernie. You think like a Goy. You have a Goyisha Cupp.
It was a good game because we weren't watching the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Savages play softball. You have never hit a homerun. Never hit more than a single... How do you call yourselves 'Savages' and lose by nine? It just makes it more pathetic. 
And you even have a cheer. You did that New Zealand rugby dance and screamed 'Savages,' and struck out. The whole side struck out the first inning. In a softball game!!!
Watching the Savages get destroyed. I found myself rooting for the nonJews... Because they destroyed you...
No. You don’t dress like a nonJew. Dressing like a Goy is Asur. Serving that way of life. That gets you destroyed... Enjoying a baseball game like a Goy is Gazunta. That's permissible...
You even cursed at the baseball game. Shame on you.

Your children are crazy. They’re crazy people. Maniacs. Not a blessing.
Best way to help with the future of our community is to not bring your kids to shul ever. That will ensure the perpetuation of our people.
Best is if your kids never come to shul... Ever. If they're out of your house, you can't control them anymore. That's not on you... It would be better they didn't come then too.

You guys are annoying. A curse... Because you cause others to not be happy.
First, you shift all the time. That’s why I don’t sit next to any of you. I sit all the way up here, on the Bima stage, because you’re seat shifters. You guys are always moving around, trying to get more space... If you came at me with those armrest elbows, fighting my elbows off the rest, I'd whack you...

Don't blame your rabbi for your problems at work. You show up late to Minyin. Your bosses should know that...
Next time, just bring your kids to work. Those annoying things will get you fired. Just let your boss see how you don't watch over your children when they're running around the boss's office... Why is there a kid up on the Bima again?! Is there a parent here? Parents? Anybody watching over their kids???!!!
You lost your job. I get why you can’t pay dues.
We also understand that not working ever, because you are learning Torah is not a good way to bring in the bucks. That's my fault... Shlomo. You don’t learn. Wanting to learn is not a reason to not get a job.

Happiness is the blessing. And you have to find that blessing through Mitzvahs and being happy. Not cursing people...
A big Mazel to our Chatan and Kallah. Your uncle is a loser. A total loser...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi said nothing positive. Just told him how messed up his uncle is. It was a curse for his Ufruf.

People in our shul love to curse. They feel it’s cathartic. Not one person has ever given somebody a Bracha. Just a curse. The Chasan's dad came up to the Bima and said, ‘Don’t be like your uncle. A bum...’ And then the father of the groom smiled and walked off the Bima. Gleaming with pride. The chance he was given to curse out a family member brought him much Nachis.
The most used curse by our congregants is, 'You're a good for nothing.' They say it's a curse. I find it to be an honest accounting of most of our membership. One lady always says, 'You should and live and be well.' That's a hurtful curse. Anything positive out of Ethel's mouth means she hates you and never wants to see you again.

I would say one out of every three sermons gets disturbed by a random parentless toddler on the Bima.

The shul softball team calls themselves the Savages and they've never hit more than a single. Watching our members play softball is almost as pathetic as watching them get an Aliyah, looking down at the Barchu text.

They love the professional sports outings. The goal of our congregation is to be as nonJewish as possible. This is why they started serving pigs in a blanket at Kiddish. Facts be told, I can live as a nonJew if it consists of pigs in a blanket.
There is nothing kinder than telling a local community member that their child looks not Jewish. At a Bris, you should say, ‘Look at him. So good looking. Looks like a Shaygitz.’ Never set anybody in our community up with a Jew. They won’t go out. Only time they’ll consider a blind-date is if you tell the guy, ‘She looks gorgeous. She looks like a Shigtza.’

The rabbi forbade meditation. Though he did make it clear that he would like peace and quiet.

I don't believe anybody likes hearing their kid is not a blessing. Congregants approached the rabbi at Kiddish about calling their children 'not blessings.' The rabbi pacified them, reminding them that he didn't call them a curse. Then the rabbi pointed to the children's table with smushed cake toppings all over their faces and shirts.
The rabbi is trying to keep people out of shul. That's his real goal. Kids is a good way to start.
The kids truly scare people. They tried childproofing the shul, but kids still came. They even put a safety gate around the women’s section to keep kids out. That led to a lot more crying outside of the sanctuary.

The rabbi suggested that next time it's just going to be 'bring your kids to work day.' He doesn't want to be blamed for the congregants getting fired because they talk during his sermon again. The rabbi did take back saying that Jack talks during Davening to his boss. Though, Jack's boss said he hates him too.

The rabbi giving the How to Not Get Fired class, when he got them fired, was a bit much.