Sermons of Rebuke IV: Nitzvim-VaYelech and High Holidays

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We understand people are mad about their Yom Kippur seats from last year. The board has very poor judgment of people. Never trust them with wedding seating at your child’s wedding, unless if you want the guests to be not happy. They’ll sit the bride’s family with the groom’s...
We will have general seating this year. We still need you to pay for seats.
 
We're giving music lessons. The shul band, Simchtallica Soft Rock, is real bad and we need a new drummer, guitarist and pianist. One that understands it's a soft rock band.
 
Autumn is here, which means a nice breeze, leaves are falling, and people are depressed.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin People’s High Holidays, with The Board. Music Lessons for People With Hope: Not the Shul Band or Cheryl. How to Not Be Depressed this Autumn by Sitting Very Far Away From Bernie.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No excuses. You come to shul. You do Mitzvahs. You get in shape... (Devarim 30:11-14) ‘The commandment... It’s not in heaven to say, “Who will go up for us to heaven, to take it, and to hear it for us and do it?’ The Torah is not out of reach. And all you have are excuses. Shul is too long. I have too much work. I need me time. I can’t open a scroll... It’s in books. The Torah is in books now. Nobody is opening a scroll at Yeshiva... Stop blaming your wife for everything. Allen. She's a good woman. She's right here. Not in heaven... That's the problem. I get it...
You have to be in shape to go all the way up to heaven.

You would expect me to get up on a ladder for you to climb up to heaven... Because I have to do everything for you. 'Go rabbi. Get the Torah for us. We gave you a raise eight years ago.'

‘It is close to you this thing, in your hear mouth and in your heart to do it...’ Maybe not in Bernie’s heart... You’re eighty-six and you still haven’t done a Mitzvah.
It’s not even on the other side of the sea. The Torah is right here. In the back of the shul with the fools who talk all of Davening. If that is Torah, I am going to give up. Something is wrong with that section... I'm happy the leave for the Kiddish club. Don't have to see them...
The thing is the Torah. Mitzvahs. Not broom the weed-whacker you needed and forgot what it was called...

You put in effort. The gym is right down the block. Lo BaShamaim Hi. It's not in heaven...

Do stuff. Do Mitzvot. They’re here. Right in front of you... Not disturbing Davening. How about we start with that. How about we start with not disrupting the sermon. That's one of the 'things'...

Mitch. You have no idea how to play the flute... Why do we even need a flute in a rock band?!
A decent musician is not here. No decent entertainment is found in our shul. Possibly in heaven...
They listen because you’re bad. They’re quiet... If you were good, they’d be dancing. They'd be cheering. They'd be singing along... They have no idea what song you're singing... It's off. People are asking, 'Who will go and explain to us what this band is doing?'

You're supposed put in effort because the Torah is everywhere. You can achieve. The shul band is a different story. I don’t believe effort will help the Simchtallica Band. Why are you calling a soft rock band Simchtallica?...
What was the point in Cheryl being in the band. It wasn't a harmonica. It was a kazoo... And she clapped. She was good at applauding.
Soft rock??? Why do you need amps that big and leather pants for a soft rock band?!

It's just that the shul puts in no effort and being here feels like the Torah is really far away...

The board has to put effort into assigning seats for the High Holidays... Because people don’t know where their seats are. Their seats are in heaven... You put in bleachers last year...
Why would people pay for seats if it's general seating? You’re paying for a seat that’s not even yours. You get up and Ben takes it... Laura is a musical chairs hog. She’ll come in and sit right under you.

The Torah is in your homes. It’s with the change of seasons...
Relax. Be happy. I understand autumn is here.
You’re pale. Allen. You’re pale. Sun is bad for you. Stop complaining. You should be thanking Gd for autumn. You can finally go outside and not burn yourself.
It will be a beautiful holiday season... So you have to wear a coat in the Sukkah.
The Torah is in your Sukkah... Build it and it will be in your Sukkah. So lazy.

Put in effort. The High Holidays are coming. Try a bit.
And if the Torah was in heaven?... Rashi teaches that you would have to go up to heaven after it, to learn it. You won’t even wake up on time to come to shul... Are you going to go to heaven?!

Rivka's Rundown
That was the first time I've ever heard a rabbi support the Kiddish club. Our rabbi doesn't want to see the congregants in shul. Especially in the back left.
I think the rabbi saying the Torah is found in his congregation caused an existential crisis for the rabbi. We haven’t seen him since Shabbat. We hope he’s not going to leave Yiddishkeit because of where Torah is found.

The rabbi blames the poor health in our congregation on lack of going to the gym. I think the rabbi was saying that Torah is at the gym.

Really bad musicians. It's like watching a fourth grade recital. People listen because they feel bad. They're trying to figure out if the band was playing a note. Before hearing the band, I thought everything was a note. I was wrong.
Cheryl is a bad harmonica player. Some say it was a kazoo. It was a good kazoo.

I would rather have the board set up the seats. Now I have to run away from Sharon and I have no excuse. I can't tell her, 'Your seat is over there. I have to go sit in my seat.' And she thinks the pew is for everybody. There is no such thing as a pew without more room. We once had thirteen people in the five person pew. This is why you don't have friends in shul.
The board at least gave me an excuse to not sit next to her last year. The board worked for me. I was in cahoots. Assigned seats is key for running away from family too. I was able to throw my aunt on the other side of the women’s section. Now, I only go to weddings with assigned seats. And I make it a point to not sit with my family.
I figure that if I don't sit with people I know, I won't end up having to ask for forgiveness for hating them on Yom Kippur.

I heard autumn was here and I got sick. I think I came down with something from listening to everybody complain about how 'there is a breeze outside now' at Kiddish.

The rabbi did not allow any shul band members to go to the music lessons. He said they have no hope.