Sermons of Rebuke IV: Ki Tavo

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
It’s the last week before Selichot start. We suggest to get sleep now.
 
We ask everybody calm down. We understand that Rosh Hashana and Sukkot will be three-day Yom Tovs. Many members have come to the rabbi to ask if converting to another religion for October is fine. The rabbi has decreed that converting to not have to cook for three days or hear a Chazin is not acceptable.
The Jewish Family Service will be offering counseling for members who are worried about having to eat Kugel for three straight days.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Skip Work So You Can Get Sleep During the Two Weeks of Selichot. How To Cook for a Three Day Yom Tov and Still Love Your Family. How to Get Seats in the Back of the Shul, So You Can Show Up Late on the High Holidays. How to Not Bloat Like Shaindy Who Gets Very Heavy during the Holidays.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 26:16) ‘This day, H”, your Gd, is commanding you to do the decrees and ordinances, and you shall do them with all of your heart and all of your soul.’ Not like Simcha who can’t even shake a hand with a firm grip... You shake a hand, you have Kavanah. You’re saying ‘Good Shabbis.’ You shake the hand. You shake it with heart and soul. If you shook with Kavanah and Nishama, people would want to be religious... Yes. More soul in your Jewish handshakes. Maybe listen to some Motown before Shabbis, to get you in the mood.
And your Shema has no heart and soul. You need heart and soul when saying Shema!!!

'This day'? I don't know which exact day... I don't think it was Golden Calf day. Maybe it was spies day...
Rashi (citing Tanchuma) teaches that Moshe is telling them that ‘Each day, they should be to you as new. As if you were commanded them that day.’
It’s about now. It’s about doing Mitzvot now... You did a good job in Yeshiva. How bout you keep Shabbat now?!... I know you're proud of Sarah. I understand Sarah did really good in grade school, Kitah Bet, and she knows how to trace a Gimel. She’s thirty-five now...
If you thought you were being commanded now, you'd have more heart... You are being commanded now. But you're not. But you are...

You want to be great. Do the Mitzvot. Do them with heart and soul and some tunes that aren't Carlebach...
(Devarim 26:18-19) ‘H’” said to you this day to be to Him an Am Segulah (a treasure), as He spoke to you, and to guard the Mitzvot...'
I would not call this congregation a treasure... Cause you don't do Mitzvot and you're annoying... I don't know if H' said anything about telling bad jokes and standing close to me while I'm trying to enjoy a potato Kugel at Kiddish...
You have to be to H’ an Am Segulah. A nation that shakes hands. A nation that has heart and soul, TODAY!!!
I don't know what an Am Segulah is. I'm assuming it's not a membership that comes in sixth place in the inter-shul softball league, with an 0 and 8 record. I am assuming an Am Segulah shows up to Minyin...
'This day.' Today. Do something today. Stop thinking and maybe you'll be loved. That's why you're still single, Chaim...

If you said Shema every day with heart and soul, you would maybe be a liked. You would be an Am Segulah. 'To guard the Mitzvot.'
Try. I am saying to try. If you tried, we wouldn't be stuck with messed up Yom Kippur seats again. I saw the chart. It's off... You don't sit anybody next to Bernie. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie, with the chuching...

You guys have no heart or soul. We will expect you here at 5:30am for Selichot...  Allen. You don't show up for Minyin at 7am.
Mitzvot need heart and soul...

You need a lot of Neshama to make it through a three day holiday. You need belief in Gd... The 3 Day Yom Tov of Rosh Hashana has scared many of our congregants. People are already packing to go. Members are running away...
People are very nervous. We understand. Cooking Tzimis for three days is not an easy task. What do you do without internet for three days????
We've lost six community members who have converted due to this year's three day Rosh Hashana and Sukkot...
Everybody calm down. No need to panic. No need to protest. We, the shul, will keep everybody occupied with Davening. We will be sure to allow the Chazin to Daven for extra praying time to get us through the holiday... I understand. I also hate the Chazin.
Maybe we should be focused on praying about life...

And you have conviction that you are receiving the Torah anew on Rosh Hashana. You have conviction when cooking for the family...
We’ve also heard of parents putting up their children for adoption, so they don’t have to cook for them for three days... Kids won’t want to be Jewish and serve Gd if you cook bad Kugels. If your chicken soup is off, if you leave out the matzah balls and you offer no croutons, we will lose Jewish children over the holiday... Put your heart and soul into it. You're a treasured nation who was chosen to make decent chicken soup with shmaltz... And start cooking today. Mitzvahs take preparation.

Seize the day. That's how you become an Am Segulah... Seize it. Not cease.

And you shake hands with meaning. Strong. Firm. Like you're just meeting Mervin. A Mitzvah shake.
Shake hands right and be an Am Segulah.
We need more heart and soul. We're going to close our eyes the rest of Davening...

We should all be blessed with a life of never having to do another three day Yom Tov.

Rivka's Rundown
Everybody closed their eyes and nobody had any idea what they were saying. No words came out. Our congregants are Davening illiterates. They know nothing. 
One woman thought it was meditation time. She asked the rabbi if it was fine to light a candle on Shabbis.

I believe the rabbi's message was that the Jewish people were chosen to be a treasured nation to make chicken soup with a decent amount of chicken fat and soup nuts.
​
The rabbi’s shaking hand conviction point was well taken by the congregation. People were shaking hands for hours after services. They were hand cupping. They were standing in hand shake Mazel Tov lines. No Simcha, but there was a Mazel Tov row.
The Mazel Tov row is where the family stands outside of services to shake everybody's hands at the end of a Simcha.

The rabbi is truly pushing for better musicians in our shul. The shul band is real bad. To quote the rabbi, 'They have no heart and soul.'
I felt bad for Chaim. The rabbi gave him nothing. Just a 'that's why you're still single.' No way out of it. Just something about 'today' and he is still single today.

Instead of saying Selichot, I figured I would sleep deprive myself to feel closer to H’.

People are truly worried about the three day holidays.
One guy already had a Lokshen Kugel breakdown. At Kiddish, there was Lokshen. He started yelling, ‘No. No more Lokshen. No Rosh Hashana!!! Lokshen!!!’
Due to the rabbi's support of the Chazin leading a long Davening concept, four more families decided to convert for the month of October. They ran form shul. Skipped Kiddish. We haven't seen them since.

In his class, the rabbi suggested to only use plastic. Do not think about the environment when you’re praying for a good and healthy year. When it’s three days, you can't worry about the environment. Especially when you have kids.
Due to the three day holidays, mothers have started telling their kids how much they hate them.

Very true. You only keep kids Jewish with good cooking good Choolent.
This is why the Lefkowitz kids are off the Derech. They're not religious because their mom can’t cook a decent Lokshen.

Shaindy does put on weight during the holidays. She bloats. I appreciate that somebody else noticed. I am sick of being the only one telling her.

Great sermon. I still have no idea what heart and soul means. I think it means potato Kugel and Tzimis. And to not be like Bernie.