Sermons of Rebuke IV: Ekev

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Banging the table is going to stop. We heard Val whack the wood and we all thought it was Rosh Chodesh. It was a fly, and he seemed very angry at it. We’ve spoke to him, and told him to calm down with his prayers. We’ve sent Shmuel to anger management.
 
We ask members bring better Yahrzeit cake. People are now questioning if they should come to Minyin. We ask you commemorate the passing of your family with a moist babka.
 
We ask that not all members jump in when there’s a complaint, though we understand you enjoy it. There is no greater joy than telling people they stink. We, the board, understand that. However, we are losing important people in the congregation because of this joy of telling people off in group form.
We lost another Layner. The Torah reader ran from shul when one guy corrected his ‘VaYomer,’ which was followed by the other members of the shul booing him and throwing candies at him.
 
There will be no more giving Bar Mitzvah guys their Parsha. It’s painful having to hear these guys go through puberty every year.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Get Out Your Anger on Rosh Chodesh By Hitting Things. How to Chase Potential Membership Away From the Shul. How to Never Advance After Your Bar Mitzvah: How to Layn One Parsha the Rest of Your Life Like Simcha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 9:6) ‘And you should know that not because of your righteousness H”, your Gd, gives you this good Land to possess it, for you're a stiff-necked people.’ Very stiff-necked. No agility in this congregation. Very poor movement... That’s where your anger comes from. I just heard a crick. Bernie’s neck again. A very stiff-necked congregation...
Of course it's Israel. Name another good land... Illionois has some good land. Nice grass. OK...
You've accomplished nothing. That's what Moshe is saying.
What have you done to deserve a decent babka? What? It’s for your ancestors... It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov that we get Israel and some good moist yeast cake.
It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov!!!
You guys mess up. You remember the golden calf?!...

No. It’s not because of you. It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. H liked them. Not you...
(Devarim 9:5) ‘In order to establish the word that H’ swore to your forefathers...’ Yes. That’s Avraham Yitzchak and Yaakov... At least H' sticks to His word. The board hasn't given me a raise in years...

It's not because of you. A nothing. A not help. Nothing you do is useful. For you? Exile. That's what's from you.
You've done nothing. 

Stiff necks. I see a bunch of stiff necks here. Let's take a moment and stretch...

Moshe reminds them what H' did for them in the desert (Devarim 8:2-4). 'Your garments did not wear out upon you and your feet did not swell up these 40 years.' And our congregants with the disheveled look. Is the untuck the new look in the shul? Unlaundered sports jackets. Unshined shoes... I'm sure their shoes were nicer than Pinny's. Even in the desert they got a better shine with the sand... Yes. You bring a sports jacket to the cleaners once in a while. H' had a better laundering service in the desert.
H'. It's Him who redeems.

You think H’ wants to redeem a people that bangs tables??? You'd break everything Kibbutz Lavi makes.
What was with the bang? How much force do you need to kill a fly?...
You’ve got to calm down with the table banging. The table Klopping is scary. And there was no reason... It’s not even Rosh Chodesh. Even if it is Rosh Chodesh, you don’t have to scare people into prayer. How much do you hate flies that you have to come down that hard?... You missed the thing. 
Even on Rosh Chodesh you scare people. How hard do you have to hit a table to remind people to say YaAleh vYavo?! From now on, we'll have signs. The anger expressed through coaching others to pray is way too much...

A people that doesn’t show respect to their ancestors. Bringing a sponge cake???
It was a pathetic Yahrzeit... I’m not suggesting to celebrate a Yahrzeit with a kegger. But a little bit of schnapps and a decent cake. It was sponge cake and doughnut holes. Not even the full doughnut... Their holes. 

But you're willing to attack others. Whenever there’s a complaint, the whole shul jumps in. We lost the Layner because one guy corrected him and then the rest of you blamed him for your mortgage going up.
We lost him because of you. That was because of you.
The excitement of blaming somebody is manifest. I have never seen people so happy to yell at an somebody who's helping them... You yelled at the guy for no reason. It's like you're addicted to blaming people. You get an itch. I saw you twitching until you yelled at the Layner... No. Shmuel. You're the reason the chairs broke. I've seen you smack chairs when you didn't have tables to hit...
Your like dogs pouncing. Any chance you have to gang up... Candy throwing as a sign of disapproval should only be done at Bar Mitzvahs...

Layining was painful today. Worse than our Chazin... I didn’t think that was possible. 
The Longest Layning. Every Parshat Ekev. It’s like having to hear this guy get Bar MItzvahed again. Every year... Ekev is long to begin with. You shouldn't Bar Mitzvah people this week.
I have to hear Bar Mitzvah speed every year from this guy... With the way you Layn, we would've never made it to Israel. Our whole people would've been stuck.
You would think Max would know how to read Hebrew by now... If you can't Layn another Parsha, you are not allowed to do your Parsha. You cause exile...

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi blamed our congregants for the golden calf.
I think Moshe is mad he didn't go to Israel.
At least the membership knows H' doesn't like them. I believe the rabbi reiterated that a bunch.

Always inspiring lessons from our rabbi.
I believe the lesson of the sermon was we don't deserve Israel. But we do deserve to have to deal with annoying people leading Davening and Layning.

I believe Max had a heart attack last year due to Rosh Chodesh Davening. It was the banging. The doctor said it was Shmuel's banging. Reminding Max to say YaAleh vYavo sent him to the ICU.

Baruch Moshe brought Entenmann’s for the Yahrzeit. It was sad and pathetic. One congregant even said that nobody gets an Aliyas Nishama with Entenmann’s. He suggested fresh baked goods and 20-year-old schnapps to help with an Aliyas Nishama.
The rabbi brought doughnuts to show everybody what a true doughnut looks like in full form. Baruch Moshe took credit for the doughnuts and said it was because of him the rabbi brought them. He acknowledged how good doughnuts are in non-cheap form, saying they should be for an Aliyas Nishama.

They truly go after people. Whenever there's a complaint they all jump in. It’s like an old British court with thousands of people yelling, 'Bew!!! Bew!!!' I think they just like getting out their anger. Not everybody can hit like Shmuel. He's truly a scary guy.
They don’t even have to agree. One parent suggested we start a soccer league for the children. Another parent said, ‘What are you talking about?!’ No reason for the attitude. It was a good idea. Next thing I saw, the whole group of parents ws yelling at the woman, ‘Are you an idiot?! Who comes up with ideas like that?!!!! You fool!!!’

Layning was painful. Everybody agreed with the rabbi's rule that if you can't Layn other Parshas, you can't do your Bar Mitzvah Parsha. It was the first thing the congregation agreed on since moist babka.
And he expected a gift. He does a painful Layning and he expects gifts. He doesn't want candy thrown at him. Just gifts. Forty years after his Bar Mitzavah, he still does that long ‘Amen!’

The how to chase potential members away from the shul class was given by the membership.