Sermons of Rebuke V: Achrei Mot-Kedoshim and Lag BOmer

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
This Week's Parsha is Achrei-Kedoshim.

Shul dinner is this week. We were able to cut cost. The price per couple is only $330. Be sure to purchase your seats at the $330 discount. And there is a single person discount rate of only $280.
We are hoping the shul Dinner of Fun Fundraiser draws a younger crowd. If it is members of our shul, that is great. We would rather have people who can afford the dinner.
 
Due to the antisemitism, the Jews will not be burning anything this Lag BOmer. It just sounds wrong to burn anything a Jew owns other than the art projects your kids bring home from Beis Sefer Yiladim vChatifim.

We want to apologize for not letting Nachum into the event. He’s been a community member for thirty years. Security said he didn’t sign up, so he’s not safe. People who don’t sign up are felons. That's how the Jewish community views people who can't make plans.
 
The shul would officially like to blame Donald Trump for everything.
 
Halacha Class: The Board and How to Lose Members by Charging More for a Dinner Than Membership. How to Look Like an Anti-Semite on Lag BOmer by Burning Things Outside our Shul. How to Keep People from Showing Up to Your Shul with Our event Organizers.  How Our Board is Blaming Donald Trump for the Curtain in the Hallway.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s Achrei Mot-Kedoshim. But you if add in the Mot, now we can’t fit it on the announcements page... It's two Parshas... That’s how we name Parshas. Based on how much we can fit in the announcements. There were too many words already, so we shortened the Parsha. We left out death. Is that not a good thing?!... Parsha is same length. We shortened the name.
Well. Now it’s "after they became holy." That’s the Parsha...
I don’t know why Lag BOmer is such a major holiday... The Lag BOmer fires cannot be used for sacrifices. Only in the Temple... Burning doors and mattresses for sacrificial purposes might be fine in the Beit Hamikdash itself. I am not sure...

Don’t reveal nakedness of aunts, uncles, siblings, parents... It’s family. Do I have to explain? You’re sick people... Family is allowed to be attractive. Just not to you... Cousins can marry. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have the Simchovitz clan here in Topeka...
(Vayikra 18:24-30) “Do not become contaminated through any of these, for through all of these the nations that I expel before you were contaminated.”
Maybe the Canaanites weren’t aware of the Hittities. Some very attractive Hittites. A lot of nations liked the Hittities. To quote the Perizzite, "She was a hot Hittitie..." They had a reputation...
There was also a lot of nepotism on the job front. Who do you think cut wood? It was the Canaanite woodcutters.
It’s the contamination that caused them to be thrown out of Israel. The contamination of forbidden relationships. Kind of like having forbidden people running the shul, such as board members...

It's these abominable acts that contaminate. It's a matter of disrespecting the holiness of familial relationship, without Hittities...
And now I hear of this idea in our society of cheating. What is the whole new cheating on your spouse... Gd doesn’t forgive you. The land doesn’t forgive you. Topeka doesn’t forgive you. The reason why Topeka has a such an ugly downtown is the debauchery. This is why the buildings have rotted wood. Depravity... Depravity kills downtowns and building facades. And it causes potholes...
Land upchucks people it doesn't like. Such as Bernie and the president of the shul... I don't know if we can blame Trump for Topeka's potholes...

“The land became contaminated.... and it disgorged its inhabitants." The land is disgusted by you... And I am too... Simcha. For you it’s the fact you don’t mow your lawn... Your lawn looks like the earth literally puked...
These abominable acts is what causes the earth to throw us up. To upchuck us. To have to see weeds on Simcha's lawn. Dandelions from a month ago... You mow them...

People still haven’t purchased their seats for the dinner. Families purchase seats. It's what makes family holiness... Holiness starts in the house. Then it goes to seats at shul...
Well. Yes. It’s $330. You’re not just getting seats. You're getting shnitzel...
Single person is $280... Then get married...
$330 a discounted rate. But everybody gets it... Why can't everybody get a discount?... So, call it a sale. It's a flash sale for everybody... Even people that purchase the seats the last day...
I can’t explain why it costs more than a wedding. And with no band. Maybe it's the clown. The Dinner of Fun will have shnitzel and a clown... No. I can't say Dinner of Fun Fundraiser ten times fast...
Young people can still pay... Well. If they can't afford it, they can't come... Now I'm with you. Then why is it for young people if they can't afford the dinner?
It's the board's decision... I'm feeling like I'm going to puke shnitzel right now...
Abominable. You get kicked out of the land when shnitzel is that expensive. Families can't afford it... Nobody cares about single people...

What do you want to burn Mark? Always burning... Lag BOmer is a good reason to burn something... You don't burn donations.
The shul wants to burn old donations, so they can get new ones. Cutting wood would be a proper thing to do for Lag BOmer. Just not in shul... We need the beams. You cut wood off a tree and burn that. You don't burn the shul's beams. You don't burn stuff people donated...
You guys just find stuff and burn it. Put some effort into Lag BOmer. Gather shrubs. Instead, you destroy homes and the land... Make a fire pit. Effort. So, the land doesn't upchuck you...
You make a beautiful Lag BOmer fire. It's holy. You bring community together in holiness. You sanctify it... This Lag Bomer with no shrubs. Abominable.

Of course they didn’t let you into the community Program for Israel Love, Nachum. They know you... Then you should've signed up. They let in people who sign up. Signing up is what makes people safe. Not safe people don't make plans... These mass murderers don't plan it... I can't explain the manifesto they write part.
If you go to a community event, sign up. But don't send the organizers a manifesto. They may not let you in if a manifesto is attached to your registration...

No. You can’t blame Donald Trump for your stupidity. You messed up the shul's dinner. People aren't coming because of your idea of Funtime Dinnertime. And they're not joining the Lag BOmer fire, because you haven't collected wood...

Be holy. Why Bernie? Because H’ is holy. (Vayikra 19:2) "You shall be holy because I am holy, H’ your Gd." It starts with marital relations and not acting sexually deprave. It starts with looking outside your family, at the Hitittes... It doesn't stop there.
(Vayikra 19:1-14) Then there is Shabbat. No idol worshiping. And eating Kodesh at the right times... You eat holy when you're holy...
(Vayikra 19:9) Leave the corner of the field. Gifts to the poor... Yes. That’s part of being holy. Mitzvahs. You do Mitzvahs, the land's stomach feels better...
Donations to your shul is part of being holy. You don't give donations. You don't go to the shul dinner and pay $330 for a seat. This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. If you liked shnitzel, the shul would like you more...
And pay people on time. Your rabbi has to wait for a check every two weeks...
Don’t steal. Don’t lie, especially in Gd’s name. Basically, stay away from the board. (Vayikra 19:13) Don’t let payment remain till morning... Well, if that's the one writing the checks, the office manager should be upchucked.
We affect our land. And that is done by not giving gifts to the poor... A dollar in the Pushke does not make for a land that doesn't vomit you up. You have to give more Tzedakah than a dollar... I know you never give more. If you were giving a corner of your land, it would be the area with hypotenuse of one centimeter...

Don’t burn random stuff on Lag BOmer. Like land. Unless if it's Simcha's. He won't mow the thing.
And don’t curse the deaf or place a stumbling block in front of blind people... No. It’s not funny, Samantha. The whole tripping thing... The whole not cleaning up your kids' toys and leaving them laying around in the shul's hallway... This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. You contaminate.

“And you shall fear your Gd. I am H’.” It is this fear that keeps us holy and not contaminated when we are in our rooms at home. When we are in shul and wanting to throw out Samantha and the board. It is this fear of Gd that allows us to live properly in Israel. With nicely paved streets. No potholes. Decent building facades made of Jerusalem stone...
But it all starts with how you treat the family. And your kids are messed up...

Rivka's Rundown
I am not a big fan of the shul upchucking me. I don’t like the visual. The sermon was quite graphic with the upchucking of nakedness.
Half the shul thought cutting wood was another euphemism for passing gas. To quote, “Did Bernie pass gas, cut cheese or cut wood?”
Very true. Depravity has ruined our downtown. Even the streets have potholes.

The first half of the sermon was the rabbi answering questions. The second half was the rabbi repeating Halacha, Jewish laws, trying to get his congregants to be moral and decent people. He gave up on that and just told them that they and their families are the reason why there are potholes in the streets. He then answered questions by telling them they are full of nakedness because they don't donate enough money to the shul.

Immorality is in private company. I know this, because I have seen many of our congregants picking their nose in their cars. They wouldn't do that, if they knew people were watching.
I know our congregants are not good with outward Mitzvot too. I am sure they are good at not checking out their aunts and uncles. But they are definitely not good at showing up for Minyin or getting a decent Lulav and Etrog. They look like a bunch of peasants, walking around on Sukkot with their branches coming apart.

It’s a rip off. $330 for a dinner. And then you get what?! Just call it a donation. If the called it a donation, I would know I was getting ripped off, and I would feel like I was giving a corner of my salary to the shul. By the way, the shul is not poor. I know this, because they just pulled in $330 for seats and dinner, with a clean four thousand percent profit. They don't need the corner of the field.
By the way, after the dinner (I had to go- I couldn't get out of it- they honored somebody I know- which is how they get you to pay), I went for falafel. The $330 chicken was dry. I'm figuring they were charging us for the extra work they put into drying out the chicken.
The chef put no care and love into his food. I am guessing he only saw fifteen of the three hundred thirty.

Older people who could afford the dinner didn't show up, because they thought it was only for younger people. There was one young family who showed. They brought their six-year-old and toddler. They figured it was cheaper to pay for the little one than to have to hire a babysitter.
The rabbi blamed the dumb idea of making a fundraiser for young people who can't afford it on the board. The rabbi has started a new thing where anything that goes wrong gets blamed on the board. He gave an extremely non-inspirational Yom HaAtzmaut speech. He blamed it on the board. He said their last meeting about new secure door hinges interfered with his clarity about the meaning of Israel's independence.

It turns out that you have to call people six times to ensure they purchase their seats for dinners where shnitzel is $330. They should use this method to get people to pay for Aliyahs. Once people are worried the shul won’t stop calling, they will give money to not have to hear the phone ring.
I'm not paying for the shnitzel and the chair. And by the way, you don't get to keep the seat. That was my protest. I paid. I had to. They get you with the honorees. You have to go broke because they're honoring Shloimi and Bracha for knowing people. I believe that was the honor. They know people.

The Dinner of Fun drew a younger crowd, who didn’t pay entrance. The young people that came said it’s not fun to pay. Being that the shul is now listening to the younger crowd, they heard their plight and told them they don’t have to pay. The young people had fun at the Dinner of Fun fundraiser, and the shul lost money. But the young people said they will promise to show up to programs where they don’t have to pay for the food. So, we're moving in a positive direction for the future of our shul.

Our congregants burn anything they can find on Lag BOmer. This is why the rabbi had security at the shul all week, guarding the drapes and table covers, in anticipation of Lag BOmer.
The shul Lag BOmer bonfire was a video. They did a video bonfire this year. They said it is safer if it’s in video form. So, they put up a screen and we sang. The singing was with a video leader. The new idea of the shul is to have everything in video form. Ever since COVID, people like their Judaism in video form.

That was messed up. Treating Nachum like a felon. The guy has been part of the community since he was a child. I think it was to spite Nachum for not being wealthy. If he had more money, they would've let him in with a gun.
The whole safety thing is ludicrous. You show up to an event and you can't get in. The only way you can get in is if you resend the Jewish Federation your profile. Each event you have to re-prove that it's you. And then they don't even tell you where it is. That's it. Nachum didn't get into the event because he knew where it was. Only a felon would know where they're hosting a Jewish event nowadays.
We have to stop worrying about antisemitism. It's just causing more Jew hatred. I wouldn't be surprised if Nachum attacks the Jews now. Even if he does, they won't let him in.
The crazy thing is that the Federation is vigilant when it comes to keeping Jews out. They are good at keeping Jews out of Jewish events, for the safety of Jews. If an anti-Semite showed, they would let them in. No questions asked.

The board started blaming Donald Trump for everything. The president said he was possessed by Donald Trump to send foreigners to shuls in other countries, saying they were tourists. He felt so bad that he misunderstood Trumps statement against terrorists.

Nothing was mentioned about Mother's Day. It turns out that there is no extra Mitzvah to honor your mother on Mother's Day. Hence, our shul and the Funtime Committee charges them $330 for a dinner.