Rosh Hashana Simanim: Blessings with Fruit and Vegetables

by David Kilimnick

This is a service I'm doing for you, to help you bless people with more fruit and vegetable Simanim (signs) during the first night of Rosh Hashana. Most vegetation is used for Simanim curses and I’ve had many sleepless nights due to thoughts of Rosh Hashana pomelos attacking me like enemies of the Jews that have had citrus squeezed into their eyes. As I don’t want you to have nightmares this year, here are some blessings that you can use with your fruit.
It's more fun to curse. However, I understand you have some children and we don't want them to be afraid of foliage.
It turns out that we’ve had to limit vegetation curses due to the pun abilities of our rabbis. Not anymore. Here are extra blessings for you.
 
Bananas- ‘May we all merit to be like a banana and enjoy ice cream without the banana split. Just the ice cream. And a banana later on.’ That was a blessing from my heart. I truly don't like bananas with my ice cream. My nemesis should eat that.
Batata- ‘May this year be a year where you enjoy bata on bread, like a baseball batata that hits a ball round and sweet, like a potato with less calories. A year of healthy carbohydrates in a choolante with paprika.’ Evil people don’t deserve to know of batata. They don't deserve a batata life. They also shouldn’t know of whole wheat bread. They should eat the tasteless, unhealthy, white carbs. ‘Bata’ was used instead of ‘butter,’ because that rhymes with ‘batata.’ Ask any New Yorker. 'Batata' was used instead of a baseball 'batter.' New Yorkers can't explain that.
Carrot- ‘May we all merit to have care in our lives, as a family member habit, just as the rabbit loves the carrot.’ Now I can eat carrots again. I felt 'care' was close enough to carrot. Hence, we worked it into the blessing.
Gourd- ‘May we merit to never be bored like a gourd. Like a gourd in our Sukkah, hung up by a string, a decoration to the world.’ That is very close to a curse. You might not want to share that one with your children, if they like lagenaria. Gourd execution can haunt a child who likes to eat healthy.
Honeydew- ‘May honeydew be the dew of the land, all sticky…’ I couldn’t come up with a rhyme. We’ll try another. ‘I love you, like a honeydew.’ If you are looking to share Rosh Hashana with the love of your life, don’t use that one. You may lose them.
Israeli Salad- ‘May we all merit a very tasty Israeli salad, with onions and salt. May we all be a salad deserving of a ballad. Kol Od BaLevav… the soul of the Jew, Israeli and not pallid.’ I turned that curse into a blessing with onions and salt. I had to, for myself. I'm very Zionistic and pale. I don’t like the salad that much, but I want to be able to support my country and to not fear eating it. The onions truly help the Israeli salad. Truly makes it a Bracha.
Orange- ‘May all merit a year with a decent tan. An orangish tinge.’ Orange you glad I shared that. The kids love the 'orange you glad' blessing genre.
Peach- ‘May we all merit to go to the beach, and not get burned. May we all merit to teach the ways of the world and not feel like we learned. May we all merit to eat a peach, tasty, not full of bleach, like a speech that has turned…’ Poetry may also be used in Simanim. Not all people are sophisticated to grasp the depth of the blessing. Nonetheless, they should still be blessed. The poetry flows.
Plum- ‘May we merit to run real fast, like a plum rolling down a hill. Not a drum rolling down a hill, that will stop when it lands on the flat side.’ Sometimes you want to touch on continued blessings of life in a blessing. Plums are the perfect way to do that.
Pomelo- ‘May we all be kind and sweet to our fellow, like a decent, not sower pomelo.’ Just speaks to the heart. The Zionist heart.
Pumpkin- ‘May evil turn into a limpkin, a huge bird that enjoys a pumpkin. Not to fall asleep like a lumpkin, who turns into a bumpkin.' One day maybe I'll be blessed to know what that blessing means.
Start fruit- ‘May we all merit to see a shooting star, from our car, as we take a trip to a beautiful country not too far, on a plane, that serves star fruit in coach.’ Couldn’t use star fruit for a curse. It is too heavenly.
 
My knowledge of fruits after ‘p’ is fairly limited. But I did bring some blessings from the fruits of Israel. I did mention orange, which should be one of the seven species of Israel.

I would've just given you Rosh Hashana blessings. But I am not good at blessing people without plantae and flora.