Rosh Hashana Resolutions III: Stuff I Know I Will Do

by David Kilimnick

If you can't read what you wrote, you don't have to do it.

We’ve been through resolutions that good Jews make on Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, to connect to Gd by not eating more chocolate. In the past, we also spoke of resolutions to be closer to Gd because you want a raise, as well as other resolutions made in shul because Rosh Hashana services are way too long. But nobody keeps to those resolutions after the High Holidays, unless if they get stuck at a Carlebach Minyin and they start singing with the NayNays. Those will have you resoluting in the middle of the year that you will show up to services on time, if you never have to sing a NayNayNay prayer extension again.
This Rosh Hashana, let us focus on honest resolutions. Ones that you will keep. To make your holiday and year more meaningful, here are resolutions that I know you will do.

I will not learn what the blessings mean. I will say them and not understand. I will probably end up saying the "Shehakol" blessing for everything, because it is too much effort to find out how an almond grows. I will say it in Hebrew and treat all prayers as if they are Slichot hymns of which I understand not a word.
I will get caught saying "Amen" at the wrong time, and I will look like a fool, because I yelled it out with pride.
I will speak Lashon Hara. Talking bad about other people is enjoyable. I do not want to lie. But I will lie about Shlomo's work debacle, where he let one go in the cubicle, because I can't stand him. And he chews his Kichel real annoying.
I will say that I won’t speak Lashon Hara, to do Teshuva and be forgiven, but then I'll do it. After I cement my place in the good book, I'll be right back on Shlomo and how he ruined his marriage. 
I will get married. The divorce rate is up. I have a chance this year. 
I will go to weddings and buy gifts that I found on sale, even if it looks cheap.
I will first try to come up with any excuse to not go to weddings. I can't afford the cheap gifts anymore. 
I will get married so I can blame my spouse for not being able to show up at Simchas.
I will learn that book about Lashon Hara, and then do it.
I will express anger if there is not enough milk in the fridge. I will blame my spouse for that, yell at them, and plan a divorce until it gets cleaned.
I will watch what I want to in the house. I can care less if my wife is happy, we are not watching the Hallmark Channel anymore.
I will not spend more time with the children, even if it helps my wife. Those things are very loud. I will spend extra time at work for some peace and quiet. 
I will not tell my kids I call them things. Though, I want to.
I will be angry all the time. I have a car, and I end up at mechanics sometimes. I also have bills.
I will not go on vacation. I am broke.
I will get yelled at for not doing the dishes. I will not do the dishes.
There will be no me time.
I will not eat healthy. I said I would eat healthy last year. That didn’t happen.
I will put on weight. 
I will not go to the gym. I will buy a membership though. Which is the least I can do for my health.
I will not be able to afford vacation because I paid for that gym membership. I will be too tired to cancel my gym membership.
I will start eating chocolate again, in a week.
I am going to be thriftier when it comes to my kids.
I will not purchase any gifts for my wife, because I genuinely forgot the date of her birthday.
I will still buy a gym membership, because I am an idiot. I will not go to the gym. Last year I said I would go to the gym. That didn’t happen. I will then say I'm not getting a gym membership again, but I will forget to cancel. And they will sign me up for another year.
I will not make resolutions like these again.
I will not sin. Yes, I will. I will do those sins I said I will not do again.
I will sin a lot this year.
I will not get angry, unless if other people are wrong. Other people are always wrong.
I will prepare more for prayers by sleeping through Shacharit and doing it later, on my own. I feel the best way to connect to Gd is by sleeping.
I will flip the Yizkur appeal card, and I will not pay my pledge.
I will not lie unless if it comes to doing Teshuva.
I will end up doing what I said I will not do. But maybe that's not true here. I think I can stick to not working out and not helping around the house.
I shouldn't be making resolutions, as that's like a vow.
Maybe I will keep these resolutions. I can find a way to stay angry at the mechanic and talk about Shlomo. Maybe making resolutions to sin is wrong. I will be confused.