Purim Story CliffsNotes

by Rabbi David

I don't know Cliff, but I do have his notes. Nonetheless, I don't like calling them Cliff's notes, as Megillat Esther is a Jewish thing. I also refuse to call them Cole's, as I have never met a Jew named Cole. We shall thus call these Kfir's Notes.
Let us begin Megillat Esther.

​Chapter 1
Achashverosh, the king, has a big party. Which means a lot of drunk people. That’s how you show your wealth. You spend it and ensure people have a hangover and puke.
It wasn't an ice cream party. You want to be popular, you throw a kegger. Not a custarder.

All happened in Persia. But we know that's Iran. You can't fool us. We know the Persians are the ones causing all the problems.
Jews say they’re Persian, Persian Jews, but we know. 
 
One-hundred-eighty-seven days of drinking. And not one of them showed up to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. People didn't get addicted back then. They just kept on drinking. Hence, no issues.
It wasn't one-hundred-eighty-seven days of vanilla strawberry swirl soft serve. Though, I would've loved that. 
Nowadays, you can't even get away with one day of coming home drunk without your wife going off on you. You need a king's edict just to have a shot.

These guys were in the palace, partying. Loving it. Until a woman talked. Women can truly kill a good half year of binge drinking.
At the end of the party, Achashverosh invites his wife to show her beauty. Somehow, she didn't like the sound of walking into a room of a bunch of drunk men, for them to check her out. I'm guessing, if he would've said he wanted to have a romantic candlelit dinner, she would've come. All dinners were candlelit back then. If a guy ever asks you to a candlelit dinner in the 500 BCEs, be suspicious. 
People were like, "Wait. Why are there no women?... Achshi. You're a cool guy and all. But a hundred-eighty-six days of Bros, that's a little much." They called him Achshi. After drinking with the king for half a year, you're buddies. Buddies shorten their buddies’ name. 

Vashti refuses come. Like the annoying wife, she tells him to sober up first. "I don't want to see you drunk."
This was the first time a woman expressed her opinion in Persia. It was scary. The wise men were in shock. "Hold on. These things talk. That's not good. Did she just make a decision. Every book I've ever read says these things listen to men and cook what man wants. But they don't talk... Opinions?! Next thing you know, every man in Persia will be stuck eating chicken curry and gazpacho."
So they get rid of Vashti, because women shouldn't talk.

The drunk men were not happy that Vashti did not allow them to hoot at her. Much argument takes place as to why women should not make decisions. But nobody has any good answers, as they couldn't ask women what they thought. One fool said, "We should ask a woman. Women have good ideas." They hung him.

The wise men decide it’s not good for women to make decisions. "We must stop them. Otherwise, we will have to come back home Saturday nights to be with the family." 
Vashti is gone. She is royalty no more, and an edict is sent out that men shall rule over their homes. And the homes of Persia become very messy. Schmutz everywhere.

And this is why we have the Ayatollah.
 
Chapter 2
Achashverosh realizes that getting rid of his wife was a bad decision. Not having a wife feels bad when you're sober and you don't have a decent series to watch. 
Being a king is not easy. You can't always depend on the harem and the concubines. You only have two-thousand in the harem. What do you with all the extra free time when you're not with the concubines.
This is where the saying "you only have one-thousand concubines" comes from. Later, people perverted Achashverosh's words to be, "You only have one wife."
 
​Achashverosh wakes up by himself and realizes he needs another one of these things. "I like these Vashti things. How do I get another one of these Vashti things?" The popular word for women in those days was "things." And it wasn't considered male chauvinism. Because women weren't allowed to talk, it was considered men's rights. According to men, you had men and things.

The men decided the best way to do get another one of these things was to bring a bunch of women into the house and wait another six months to see them. To which Achashverosh responded, "This feels like a Jewish engagement."

Mordechai tells Esther, his cousin who he raised, to go try out for the role of queen. A theater dad. See it all the time in the Jewish community. "Perform for the king. It's a good gig. Marrying the king is good money. It sets you up for life. A good pension."
Mordechai needed the money. We know this. In chapter four, he’s walking around in sackcloth.

Esther joins the harem for six months of perfume. In those days, they didn't have deodorant. It took a long time to get rid of the stench of the ghormeh sabzi.
Esther is liked by the people and the king likes her the most. He decides she’s instead of Vashti. And now she can talk to the king when summoned. She better talk to the king when summoned. You don't want to make a Vashti. Vashti was the slur used for a good hundred years for women who didn't summon upon being summoned.
No other woman is allowed to talk for fear of death. Which, to be honest, makes it easier to get in a word.
 
Mordechai heard these two guys, Bigtan and Teresh, planning to kill the king. They were still into this "No Women" protest thing. When they saw the Achashverosh was willing to talk to a woman, they started the "No Kings" protest. They truthfully just enjoyed protesting, and made good money off it. They had a few months where they had nothing to protest. They started a "Concubines Matter" rally. They even rallied for "Free Lydia," where they were shouting, "Kill all the Jews," because it's fun to say that. 
Through Esther, Mordechai tells Achashverosh that Bigtan and Teresh want to kill him, so they hang Bigtan and Teresh. End of that story. I don't believe Achashverosh took this to court.
And they put it in the chronicles. This way everybody can forget about. “’And we killed them.’ Anything else happen today… ‘And the king enjoyed the teriyaki sauce.’”
No last names. In the history of mankind there has never been another Bigtan and Teresh. People don't know this, but Bigtan was very small. His friends were going to nickname him LargeMass. But his buddies went with Bigtan, as it sounded less offensive. Teresh's nickname was "Teresh."

Conclusion
There were a lot of buddies in the days of Achashverosh.
And now you can't get drunk on Purim, or your wife will get mad at you. There's a reason for edicts.
And all because Vashti talked, women are set back to having to use perfume again. And there are another twenty-four-hundred years till women's rights, Bloomingdale's and community gardens are created.

I believe this is longer than the Megillah itself. We're only in chapter two, and we haven't even discussed soft serve ice cream. It might be more useful to skip Kfir's Notes and read the Megillah on Purim.