Prayers a Chazin Must Skip to Be Loved: A Beginners Guide

by Rabbi David

That's what it looks like when the Chazin takes a long time. A lot of not happy looks and prayers to Gd that it will finish. Either that, or it's Kavanah. (Photo: Maurycy Gottlieb - From Jewish Art, edited by Grace Cohen Grossman)

People want to get out of shul. That's why they go to shul. To get out. The only thing in their way is you, the Chazin.
As the Chazin, you're the leader. You dictate the pace of the services. This is why you're to blame. When you think people want to hear you, you're to blame. When you think the congregants enjoy your singing, you're to blame. When you think you've got a new exciting tune, you're to blame.
Be you the Chazin or the Baal Tefillah (guy who's leading services), they ask you to lead because they don't want to be hated. And you will be hated if you slow down at any point.
Lead fast and skip stuff, and they'll love you. Here are some Tefillahs you should skip, or at least jump to the end of.

Tachnun on Mondays and Thursdays
Too many paragraphs in this prayer. If you say a sentence from each paragraph, you'll finish at the same time as everyone else. If anybody asks how you did Tachnun so fast, tell them you're Chabad. They have a quicker version, and you sound more religious saying you're Chabad.
If you truly want people to love you, propose taking out half of the paragraphs. Do that and you'll see a hike in shul attendance on Mondays and Thursdays. Do that and skip the paragraphs that are left in the Tefillah, and they'll love you even more. They might even offer you some schnapps.
How the other people blaming you for praying too fast finished before you is another shul anomaly I can't explain, along with why Max is still telling the same jokes.

VYiten Lcha and Anything Said Saturday Night
Keeping Jews in shul after Shabbis will have them hating you. Rightfully so. I would also not like you and throw in a word about Gehenim.
It's evil to keep shul people after Shabbis. They've been waiting for Shabbis to end so they can finally do stuff. The one thing a Jew loves about Shabbis is when it's over. Some even dance at Havdalah. Some Sefardim look at the Havdalah wine and laugh in joy that the day is finally over. To quote Ahad Ha'am, 'More than the Jews love Shabbat. They love when it's over.' I believe that's the quote.
The one prayer to add, which people will appreciate, is a Tefillah that Shabbis is over and they can get out of shul. LSayaim Shabbis vHaDrasha Shel HaRav Kvar vSheHaTelevizia Nidlak. That was a transliteration for the prayer 'I want Shabbat to end already so I can get out of here and not have to listen to the rabbi's sermon anymore.' Or you can just say Havdalah. It's the same prayer.
And don't sing Havdalah. They'll hate you for that. This is why many Frum Jews are not fans of Debbie Friedman. See Debbie Friedman's Havdalah when you don't have anything to do for an hour and a half after Shabbat.

Brich Shmei
This prayer before Torah reading. Don't be the only one to say the whole thing. Nobody understands it. Nor do they understand any of VYiten LCha or Tachnun. Jump to Bei Ana Rachitz, the singing part, where the star for the Chazin to start talking is. Nobody understands that either. But it's a song. The shul membership feels like they're connecting to H' when they sing off tune.

Post Ein Kelokaynu after Shabbat Musaf
Nobody says those prayers. They skip them. A vindictive member of the community came up with that around thirteen hundred years ago. Everybody thought it was time for Kiddish and he said, 'Nope. There's another prayer. A very long one.' They found extra papers taped into their Siddurs. That's the history I heard.
Years later, to make it more painful, they decided to bring up a kid to lead it.

Yikum Purkan
Just skip it.

Any Part of Psukei Dzimra
Skip it. The Chazin should just go from paragraph to paragraph. Read the stuff at the end. Where you see the star, read that.

Baruch H' LOlam
Who says this one? Ashkenazim. They like to make things longer. They feel closer to Gd when they feel more pain.
This Tefillah was added to Maariv because people wanted to finish the Maariv service faster. They were scared they'd be stuck in the wilderness for longer in the middle of the night, so they said this prayer instead of the Amidah, to get out of there faster (Rosh Misechet Brachot 1:5). It was the perfect prayer. Finally, one person understood what the community wanted.
And now, it adds another who knows how long to Maariv. That's not what the rabbis had in mind. Pain was not the idea of the prayer.
Again, if you want people to like you, use the Psukei Dzimra star method.

Other Tefillahs to Skip
Anything somebody says before Kiddish on Friday night. Skip it. People like to eat almost as much as they like to get out of shul.
Any extra psalms. Tehillim. Skip them. Just say, 'We care and we're praying for everybody.' The crowd at shul will applaud you.
All of Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashana Davening. If you skip all of those Tefillahs, everybody will love you.
If you skip everything, they'll love you even more. Go straight for 'VNemer vHaya...' and they'll think they showed up at the end of the 9am service, at 9:01am, and they will hug you. They won't shake your hand. They'll hug you.

Nobody cares if you have a bad voice. They want out. There is no Davening more enjoyable than a guy with a bad voice finishing the services quick.
And never say anything slow. Somebody will hurt you. If anybody shakes your hand real hard after services, it's because you didn't read the stuff fast enough.

Epilogue as heard from Yaakov Fauci
This is says it all: A Chasid asked the Gerrer Rebbe, 'Since we skip so many parts in the standard Machzor (High Holidays Siddur) wouldn’t it be better to print a Machzor with only the things we say?' To which the rebbe replied, 'And take away the simcha that a Yid gets when he skips a page of Davening.'