Pesach Seder Table Preparation: A Beginners Guide

by Rabbi David

That’s what it looks like when all you did was buy Matzah, and you forgot everything else for the Seder. After an hour and a half of reading the Haggadah, eating anything will make you happy.

Now that you've cleaned the house and watched The Ten Commandments, and yelled at the kids for helping, it's time to set up for the Seder.
You haven’t slept for a month and thus it’s time to get excited to entertain everybody. So perk up and moisturize your hands for a couple hours. That might help get bring your hands back to normal. You may not be able to get rid of all the cracks the anti-bacterial left in your hand. Some cracks may go deeper than inch. You shouldn't have used the oven cleaner. That was on you.
So, we're ready to set the table for the Seder. Wait. Beforehand. You might still have stuff left in your house after cleaning. Throw it out. After cleaning for Pesach, there should be nothing in your house. Now you're ready.

The Seder Plate
Hopefully you didn't throw out the Seder plate when cleaning the house. Maybe you shouldn't have thrown out everything. I understand, you get involved in the process of throwing everything out. But you need the Seder plate for Pesach. You may not want to throw out your kid's glove with baseball season coming around either. And the fridge. You should've kept the fridge. You should've cleaned it and kept. it.
Make sure you have the Seder plate with the salt water, egg and bone that your mother forgot to take out of the oven. Which is now inedible. The Seder plate is a good place for it. The Seder plate should have inedible stuff on it, so you can ask why it’s burnt. The Seder is all about questions. And why stuff is burnt is a good question. The Seder is not about decent answers, so don't worry about those. Which is another question you should have at the Seder. "Why does nobody have decent answers?"

Matzah for the Seder Plate
Now find three non-broken pieces of Shmurah Matzah. Good luck.
You paid eighty-five dollars for this, and it came broke. Why they ship it is still something that baffles. A question that has never been answered at the Seder. Just a lot of anger. And you will probably break another few Matzahs trying to find a non-broken piece.
Finding not broken Matzah can take hours. It's an extremely hard task. Harder than finding the ten pieces of bread you laid out for Bdikat Chametz.

Put Out the Wine
Make sure you also purchase the cheapest wine you can find, so that your guests walk away from the Seder feeling not very good. Manischewitz and Kedem are perfect. Eliyahu the Prophet likes the Concord grape.
"Why on all other nights do we drink wine that does not make us puke, but on this night do we only drink wine that is hurting my head right now?" Another question that will probably not get answered.
 
Pull Out the Dishes
Make the table nice. It's Seder night. This should start with another fight about who's going to help put out the dishes. Family is involved.
Put out the fine china. It looks good. Pesach is the time you use it. Use it for eight days. The rest of the year, plastic. It's not Pesach.
First find the dishes. This consists of yelling at the kids more, as you forgot where you put them. This should also work as preparation for when you yell at the kids for not being able to figure out how to build the Sukkah, as you forgot to mark the planks again last year.
If you don't pull out the fine dishware, Pesach should be treated like every other holiday, with disposable plates and utensils. Remember, when you have a big family, your last concern is the environment. You're not a good religious Jew if by the end of Pesach the verge by the street is not fully covered by trash.

Make the Charoset
Now that you've finished everything and you're ready for Pesach, there is more.
We prepare the Charoset, to remind us how the Jews were slaves and had to build with applesauce. We do this by creating a mortar which is not sticky and tastes like an excellent thick applesauce nut pudding. How they built pyramids with applesauce is the greatest miracle known to man. And they still stand to this day.
I never felt bad eating Charoset. I never ate Charoset and thought how hard our ancestors had it when they were slaves. If I was able to eat the building material we were renovating my house with, I would be happy. I can't imagine they were complaining about Charoset.

Preparing the Ten Plagues
The plagues should come out at the Seder. Literally. You want to keep the kids entertained, and that means real life plagues, such as red food dye and plastic frogs.
Make sure you also prepare the fake hail for the excitement of the plagues portion of the meal, where you can explain how hail comes in the form of wiffle balls. You can also explain your newfound love for pickleball.
I'm beginning to think that the Seders I have been to have been shams. I'm supposed to feel like I am a slave being redeemed. Though my brother's in-laws do it, I can't imagine the Egyptians were whipping the Jews with scallions. 
I will say, last year's Seder was the most real Seder. My brother truly prepared and his son came to the Seder with lice.

Yell at the Kids More
Setting the table, the whole time you' should be yelling at the kids.

When the Seder comes, for the sake of the family, know where people are sitting. Don't sit the uncles next to each other. We don't need another fight this year.
And be sure to let everybody know that your Shmura Matzah is the best. Because it's thinner or thicker. Either way, yours is the best. Tradition.