Pesach List- What to Buy

by David Kilimnick

Here is the list of everything you need to buy for Pesach. Or at least some of what you need. Or at least what I need.
It's the rough draft I put together for myself. I need an essay to figure out what I need for Pesach. And I need a new treatise every year. Due to people for some reason changing Rabbi Blumenkrantz's laws every year. After Pesach, ask them why his guide is always changing, and why they can't make up their minds about toothpaste.
And I do talk to myself in third person sometimes. Especially when I'm trying to figure out what I have to do for Pesach. In tense situations, like trying to figure out what Shmura Matzah and Kosher for Pesach strawberry syrup to buy, I find that I have to coach myself. 
Here are some of the food essentials I put down on my list, as well as some notes of encouragement and reasons for the purchases. “Essentials” means everything.

Food
Shmura Matzah. Twelve pounds. I need full Matzahs for the Seder. The Shmura will come cracked. If I'm lucky, I'll find an unbroken Matzah in a box.
This is how the Shmura companies get me to buy more boxes. Kind of like how they got me to buy more Chanukah candle boxes this year. Where most of them come broken. "Manischewitz. It only takes five boxes of Chanukah candles to get a box." A good slogan. I'll shoot that to them.

Meat. At least seventy-five pounds. It's a Seder.
Soft cream cheese. I'm spreading it on Matzah. I don't want more broken Matzah.
Kugel. Why not.
Farfel. It sounds cool. Buy it.
Matzah meal. I'm eating Matzah for the meal. Might as well buy Matzah meal.
Kosher for Pesach Kishkah.
Potatoes. Every vegetable you can find. Remember, it's eight days. I don't want to starve. And I want to stay healthy. 
Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda. 
Coke. The one with a yellow cap. A lot of it. Putting on weight anyways. Regular Coke. Still get the vegetables. The vegetables will help you lose weight.
Gefen strawberry syrup. Decided to go with that one this year.
Chocolate syrup. Might also want chocolate milk. Whichever one is on sale. Even if it's more expensive than the one that's not on sale.
Cheese. Mozzarella. American. Cottage. Get any cheese they sell.
Yogurt. Leben. I never eat Leben. But it's Pesach and they sell it. Buy it.
Eggs. They don't sell premade Matzah Brei. 
Anything with a "P" next to the "OU," buy it.
Chicken.
That chocolate spread stuff. I'll probably use it during the year. Do not use it on Matzah. I'll break more Matzah.
Spices. Every spice I can. Might be a legume. I don't care. If I see a "P" anywhere on the package, I'm buyin it. Even if it costs three times the amount of the spice. Be happy I'm paying for the "P," it ensures my place in Olam Haba (the world to come- always remind myself of this when losing all of my money and having to pick up more shifts at work).
Fish. Lox. You have cream cheese. You're not going to get onions?!
Terra chips are Kosher for Pesach. Amazing. Buy them. At fifteen dollars a bag, it's not a bad deal. If I can't afford food after Pesach, that's fine. H' will provide. And I will want to go on a diet for a day.
That should be enough for one Seder.
Wait. Croutons. Croutons. Mandelan. Circle croutons that are not croutons. Anything to throw into soup. 
Anything created out of potato starch. Buy it. They're creative with that stuff.
Everything I picked up last year. Pick it up again.
I will be out of money by the time Pesach starts. I can take out loans for the holiday.

Seder Specific Stuff
Want to make sure the Seder looks nice. That means nice Haggadahs. Buy at least three of the four-hundred new Haggadahs people put out this year.
 
Horseradish, horseradish root and other things that make me feel like I'm about to die. Seeing my face turn red, while gasping for breath, makes the family happy.
A neck or a bone that you burn. Food to not eat. You have to buy that too. You have to make a Seder plate.
Everything for Charoset. Dates, raisins, apples, ground walnuts which are never used in anything else. Need honey too. It's not Rosh Hashana, but it does allow me to spend more money on a spoon of honey.
Wine. Anything Manischewitz and the Herzog family puts out. Anything else is too expensive. Grape juice. Go to Costco for this. They sell bottles with handle. I need handles for my grape juice.

Buy more Shmura Matzah. I broke a few already.
Need oil. Olive oil. Canola oil. Oil spray. Avocado oil. I saw that. Might as well get it.

Dessert
Chocolate at eight dollars a bar. It has a "P" next to the Kosher symbol. It's worth it. 
Don’t buy the chocolate covered Matzah. That's a ripoff. You don’t want to be spending thirty dollars on a pound of machine Matzah. 
More eggs. I'll be using eggs in everything. And I will end up eating Matzah Brei for dessert. Is there anything better than Matzah Brei. Don't tell anybody I eat Gibruktz. It will kill any chance for Shidduchim.
Buy jelly. I have honey. I also need jelly.
More Matzah. Buy more Matzah. At least two months' worth. I'm still eating my Matzah from three years ago. So, I did have enough Matzah for that Seder.
Macaroons. Don't make it complicated. Buy every flavor. Also buy the four kilos of the one with the chocolate drizzled on top, just in case I need a snack.
A lot of food. It's eight days. I don't want to starve.
Cakes. A lot of different ones. You might find one that's not disgusting. 
The Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake is a good one to make, if you're one of the five Jews who stays at home for Pesach. If you're lucky it will come out moister than the Matzah. That's actually a good advertisement, "Manischewitz Extra Moist Coffee Cake, it's moister than Matzah brei. If you can spell Manischewitz."
Learn to spell Manischewitz. If you can spell Manischewitz, you're a good Jew. The use of the "sch" and then the "w" to be a "v." Good Jews know how to spell Haymish.
Kosher for Pesach ice cream. Does that exist? It must. Sorbet. Buy sorbet. The Klein's one. That's gooey enough.
Fruit. That's always good. Some rabbi probably found a way to make cantaloupe a legume. So, watch what I buy.
Find out what a legume is. 
Milk. I bought syrup. And I'm getting coffee cake. Coffee cake in milk ensures the cake will be moist.

Extra Notes
That should be six-thousand dollars. So far. Must buy stuff for other family members too. Will have to figure out that list later.

Make the list of cleaning products, tinfoil and places to move to for Pesach.
I should sell my home. Just get rid of the home. Even if it's at a loss. It's easier than prepping for Pesach. The rabbi is said he can sell my home for me. I can probably unload the home for a dollar. Mortgage is paid off.