Online Speed Dating Room Setup: Letters of an Old and Single Man

by David Kilimnick

Shalom Dave,
You wanted more information about the speed dating and what happened with the girls I met. Well, I went on another speed date thing, and I met more girls. This thing is amazing. I've met so many girls. I haven't met one in person yet. But that's not the point. I'm doing great online.
Tu BAv, I was on the online speed dating too. Figured, there's less of a chance of getting stood up online. It's hard to say "I couldn't find the internet, so I went home." Though, some have said that.
I’ll tell you about the follow-up dates next time. In the meantime, let me tell you what I learned. This thing is great. You can meet anywhere. You can get in and out of the dates with no blame. You can present yourself better. On screen, you only have to show shoulders up. I can skip leg and torso date preparation. 

I have a more positive approach now. Thanks for that push of, “You can do it. Online, you’ve got a chance.” I appreciate that.
Check it out. Last time I clicked yes on three of them. Got two yeses back. I’m telling you, standards are different online. They’re more desperate virtually. And they have no idea why I have the beard. I place the camera looking down a bit. They can't see the extra chins.

​I'm getting this down. And there are so many options for the date itself.
Where do you meet? Let me tell you how it goes. It's speed dating, Dave. It's not the real date. It's that initial meeting. And it's online. You don’t have to travel an hour and sit in a room with these people. You sit in your kitchen, and then you tell them you have to go.
And it's great for women too. You meet the guy real quick, and then the Yutz is off the screen. The beauty of speed dating online. You go onto the next date with the other guy who’s too cheap to go on a date outside of his den.
I realized I can go on these dates anywhere my Wi-Fi reaches.
You can date in your living room, kitchen, den. The options are endless. You can even meet in a cafe if they have free internet. How many people go to a cafe and have somebody to talk to nowadays. You see all these people sitting alone, on their computers. Here, you’re on your computer with somebody. That’s socializing.
And then five minutes later, you're on the screen with someone else. The barista is starting to think you're a player. Everybody is talking, "Look at that guy. Everybody wants to see him not in person."

​I've been mastering the online dating persona. And that means my place has to look good and I have to look good.
I could've done better. Next time, I'm going to clean the backdrop a bit. There was a spider web right behind my head the whole time. I had the whole house and I was talking from a spider web. Second date with one of the girls, mold was growing.
I' lucky I have my own place. There was no roommate in the background.

It's tough for the divorcees. It's tough to date with family
Turns out a lot of these women have kids. I can handle kids on a regular date. I can't handle them on an online date. They're there.
Some of these women are calling from the bathroom. Trying to avoid the kids. 
You hear family yelling in the background because mom didn't serve them dinner. And it's hard to explain, "There's no dinner because mom is out on a date right now. In the bathroom."
One was on the speed date from her living room. Kids were running around in the background. I had a hard time clicking "yes" on that girl. 
One called from her car. Her daughter was on the speed date from the back seat. That was awkward. I'm asking what you want in a family. The mother is like, "Not that thing in the back seat." The girl is like, "Ice cream." I was thinking, "A booster seat is important." Her daughter ended up rejecting me.
I'm happy that one didn't work out. I don't need her bringing the kids to Shlomo's Steak and Burger. Now she's not the only one scoring a free meal.

You have to put aside the time. I did it. You've got to give me credit for that. You think I'm not trying, but I am. I should've cleaned my living room a bit before the speed date call. Maybe vacuumed. I will say, that woman's bathroom was impeccable. Sparkling.
You've got to prepare for these things. Comb your hair. Shave. Cut your nails. You should put on pants. 

And a great feature is it’s timed. So, I can't say too much. Talking too much you get in trouble. And the screen is your excuse to run from the crazies. You see 58 seconds on the screen, that means you start to say goodbye. “Shoot. Got to go. Would love to continue this conversation about your little puddle. But I can’t. Oh. No.”

I think I have it down. Maybe soon, I'll be able to meet them in a cafe, in person. Baby steps.

Brachas,
​David