No Credit for Anything I Do: Letters of a Single Man

by David Kilimnick

Dear Dave,
Why is nothing I do as a single person appreciated? A person of single origin.

I showed up to the Bris. I was there. That's all I have to say. Somebody has to tell my family that.
They didn't forget anybody else. Just me. All married people were noticed. I know this, because my nephew went over the list of people who showed up to watch the circumcision. He named them all. "Shimi, Baruch and their families even came. And... But I don't remember you being at the Bris. And you're single. And you have nothing else to do." 
By the way, as an old single man, I can't announce, "I'm here to watch the circumcision." That's one of the things I've learned over many years of being single. Maybe it's better I wasn't on that list. As a single man, it's better for me to sign my name at a funeral than a Bris.

I went to the Bris. I was there. I feel like I have to prove it to you too. I'm sorry I didn't take pictures. If you want pictures, my cousin was loving the whole thing. She has a whole Bris album.
I didn't feel comfortable taking pictures and putting together a special Bris album. Is it fine to have dedicated Bris pictures? I don't know. I feel like there's a reason most people stick to wedding albums.

That was an eight-hour drive to Long Island. I got nothing. Not even a thank you. People drove in from Brooklyn, they got an announcement. “The family that went out of their way, on their trip to Queens…” That's what married people get. Credit for stopping by for breakfast.
No credit. I need a family, just to be remembered. To get some credit.

Even if they do remember, it's because I have free time. "He had free time. So, he drove eight hours. That's what single people do, because they have free afternoons." Like I have nothing going on. Like there isn't a new series I want to watch?!!! 

​Why do I want some credit? To feel like a person. I'm not even asking for married person credit. I'm just asking for some credit. Something. Maybe, "We want to thank the guy in the back without friends who came because he had nothing to do."

Nothing other than kids takes time. You can’t do anything good as a single. Anything good they start with, “He has free time. I would've dedicated twelve years to saving children in Sudan too. I just have a family.” No matter how much you help. “The reason your uncle came to the circumcision. He’s a failure.”
No idea why I showed up to the Bar Mitzvah either. No family points, and I'm now a creep, because they invited me. I have to stop showing up to Bar Mitzvahs and circumcisions.
Funerals. I have to show to funerals. At least I won't feel bad if the Baal Simcha doesn't give me credit.

Response to me showing to a family party, driving by myself, no sleep, missing work. “He’s single. He’s a yutz.” “It’s free time. Married people don't have that.” “He visits sick people because he’s lonely.” “He goes to nursing homes because he's hoping to meet somebody.” “He’s here because he has no job.” “He came for the free food.” I traveled through the night for the falafel party. I drove by myself, lost work with no second income in the house, because I like the garbanzos. By the time that trip was over, the expense was six-hundred-eighty-dollars. But I got a free pita. I am still trying to figure out why they had an Israeli themed Bris, naming the kid "Yankel."
The Chutzpah of it. They don't think I work, and not one of them offers to pay for my gas.
 
Married people don’t show, they get credit for that. “They have so much going on with their kids. They couldn’t come. Their hearts are here.” Do you know how much credit my siblings get for their hearts showing up to events?!
“David has no heart… Because he has no kids.”

Am I paranoid? No. They see me as a yutz with no future prospects. 
They can at least help. There is no reason they can't go around at the Bris and ask if anybody is in the process of getting a divorce.

I need to have kids just to get credit. I could stay home and get more credit and family points for sleeping. "David needs sleep. He couldn't come. You should be more like him and sleep through family events."
When you’re not there, they think you have something going on. Next time, I shall stay home. People will think I’m accomplishing stuff. My nephew might even think I was there. My absence is more present than my presence. Think about that for a moment. That's quite spiritual, Dave.
 
That’s enough for today. It’s good to get it out.

Point is that nothing you do will ever be appreciated. You can do Mitzvahs. They don't care.  Visit the sick, they think you’re hitting on them while they have pnemonia. Other than that. “The guy doesn’t even work.”
Point is it's not worth it to do Chesed. Don't help people. Helping people makes you look like you have nothing going on in your life. Hell. I am going to stop giving charity.
You want to be loved, don’t help and don’t do anything for anybody else. They will appreciate you more for that.
When you and your wife visit the sick or show to family Simchas, parties, do you guys get credit?

My advice to any single person. Don't show to family events.
If you do show up, just pop in and say, "I'm only running in to say Mazel Tov." You show up to an event to run out, that's a something. Everybody remembers that. "He came to not be here. That's our successful relative." "What does he do?" "No idea. He never has time to stay. An overachiever. Very proud of him."
You get credit for not being there.

Your advice is appreciated. Should I just stay home? Get people thinking something is going on in my life?
​If you could, please remind my nephew and his parents that I showed to his son's Bris. Also, please remind him I had a conversation with him about me being there.
Next circumcision I go to, I'm taking a lot of selfies. Bris album on my wall. 

LSimchas,
David