Mitzvah of Getting Fat on Shabbat: Jewish History with Rabbi David

by Rabbi David

The rabbis made sure that all Mitzvahs guarantee you will get fatter. 

In the beginning our people used to exercise. That was put to a stop real quick. Bereishit didn't start with this, but it would've if it wasn't written by Gd. 
Rivka noticed that Yaakov was getting too much movement. He was in shape. She wasn't sure what the Aveira was, but she knew her son was sinning. Her son was too healthy to be devout. Rivka saw this and said, "You go and learn Torah." And then Esav was out there hunting alone, and he got in real good shape. He was ripped. But you couldn't see his abs, because he was too hairy. They hadn't figured out the ultimate sculpted look back then.
Laws were thus created to not allow men to shave their bodies too much. But that is for a different time.

Our people were commanded to work the land, causing much problem. "If we have to work the land, how do we put on weight," was the question. And then came Shabbis. At least one day a week where the Jewish people would be able to put on weight. And there were Mitzvahs to eat a lot. One loaf of bread wasn't enough. We had to eat two, just to put on weight.

Times of The Beit HaMikdash
People were still losing weight. TV didn't exist yet. Paskesz hadn't come into existence yet. It was hard to create a system where people would get heavy. There was no way to express devoutness. NFL RedZone wasn't an activity in the Temple.
So, they came up with Kishka. Then they had choolante. The rabbis then said, "Put the Kishka in the choolante." They did all they could. How else can we slow down the metabolism? Schnapps. Schnapps works. So, the rabbis of The Great Assembly said, "You have to make Kiddish on wine or alcohol." I am not sure if that is an exact quote. Playing telephone over twenty-five hundred years can change some of the wording. I heard it from my brother-in-law. It's historically correct.
Years later, there was a responsa, "If you can't drink alcohol, it has to be a drink with sugar in it. To thus fulfil the commandment of putting on weight on Shabbat." And this is why Kedem tastes so good on ice. And to say the rabbis didn't have Ruach HaKodesh, the holy spirit.
The rabbis called this "delighting in Shabbat." Known as an Oneg Shabbat, they made it a commandment to enjoy Shabbat. And that could only be done through food. Rabbi Ephraim Ben Herkoman said a smile is a good way to delight. "Maybe people should greet each other and smile to bring joy to Shabbat." He was excommunicated for this dumb idea.
The Jewish people stood no chance. With Shabbat coming every week, one could not Halachikly be in shape. King David declared, "We shall not have an Esav amongst our people." Which is a statement hidden somewhere in Tehillim. I believe the poetic wording King David used for that is, "My eyes look to the mountains."

One rabbi asked, "Can't we delight with a walk?" He was excommunicated and then stoned to death. My brother-in-law reported that to me as well. The rabbis asked, "How do you eat while walking?" And thus, was created what is known as a Shpatzir. A Shabbat afternoon Shpatzir. Where you walk at a pace where you can still put on weight. Generally done with at least one hand behind the back, as arm movement makes walking an exercise.

Modern Times and Summer
By modern times, we are speaking of the last eighteen hundred years.
​
The summer heat seamed to work like a sauna. People in New York were taking off weight due to heat. So, the rabbis made it requirement to go to the Catskills for the summer, where there was a breeze. Another issue of modern times, our sages spent many years creating air-conditioning, so people wouldn't sweat in their homes. Thus, cancelling out the effects of the summer months. 
 
Fighting this summer heat, and natural weight loss, the rabbis realized they had to capitalize once again on Shabbat. They said, "You have a long day on Shabbat. All that is permitted is to eat and sleep." The day of Shabbat runs for fifteen hours, with Davening, one must eat for at least ten hours of eating on Saturday. The rabbis realized that one can't take off weight sitting at a Shabbat table for that long. Sleeping was allowed, as the rabbis consulted these people known as dieticians who told them, "If you eat and then do nothing, you will put on weight." And thus the rabbis created this idea known as "a day of rest." All the people went for this. Pinny led the people in a parade celebrating this idea of not having to show up to work. Which then led to all the Jews getting fired in New York.
Once again, even in the summer heat, the rabbis had found a way to help the people fulfil the Mitzvah of putting on weight. What else do you do with your Shabbis? Talk? While you're talking, what do you do? Eat. And thus, they made it a requirement to have three meals. Just in case people had thought the Shabbat morning to afternoon meal was over, they created the third Shabbat meal. Known as Seuda Shelishit, the Mitzvah here is to eat more. When asked, Rabbi Akiva said, "Eat more. That is a Mitzvah."
For many years, in the Gulag, Jews had a hard time keeping heavy. During those years, the rabbis discovered potatoes. And thus, potatoes made it into choolante.

The rabbis saw people in bathing suits and again asked, "How can we add to the Mitzvah of putting on weight on Shabbat during the summer months, when people might exercise by accident?" Hence, the rabbis came up with this idea of early Shabbat, where you bring in Shabbat early so you can start eating two hours earlier. Giving you a chance to eat for six hours on Friday night. 
And then they added the late night Oneg. Where after you eat for six hours, you delight by eating more.

Jews were putting on weight. But they could do more.
Shabbat was over. "What do we do Saturday night? There is no meal," asked Yanky, who lived during the Gaonic period. Rabbi Goldstein, another rabbi from the Gaonic period, responded, "After eating for fifteen hours on Shabbis you have to eat more. Are there any Mitzvahs that aren’t eating?! No. Exactly. As Rabbi Akiva taught us, 'Eat more.'" And thus, Rabbi Goldstein created the Melava Malka, where you escort the Shabbat Queen, who you escorted Friday night, by eating more on Saturday night too.
To this day we practice the Mitzvah of Melava Malka, just in case you didn’t eat enough on Shabbat. This is where you go to a pizza shop on Saturday night to fulfil the Mitzvah of eating more.

Historical Lesson for All Jews
And we thus have eight Shabbat meals. These include pre-Shabbat Gribbenes where you eat chicken fat to put on weight before Shabbat in preparation of putting on weight on Shabbat, first Shabbat meal, Oneg Shabbat, Shabbat Kiddish, Shabbat lunch which includes breakfast and dinner, Shabbat snack, Seudah Shelishit which is another meal that starts right after lunch, Melava Malka to button up Shabbat by putting on more weight.
How Shabbat snack worked its way in there is another miracle that came at the time of the Manna. 

You're going to get fatter. You have no chance against Shabbat and the rabbis. And then it's a requirement to have kids, to not allow you to get healthy sleep on the day of rest.

That is enough for today's lesson. Next time we shall discuss modern day issues of diets and how the rabbis created new laws to fight this pandemic. We shall also discuss the meal of Kiddish which is named after Kiddish, which makes it confusing.