Memoirs of America: Anti-Semites to Help You Feel Better on July 4th

by David Kilimnick

Many people are worried about the uptick in antisemitism nowadays. Do not worry. There was a lot of antisemitism years ago too. I hope that comforts you. Your people has always been hated.
Antisemitism has always been upticked, even before Tucker Carlson and that Cortez acronym. And thanks to our American freedom and independence, they have the right to hate Jews. I don't know if freedom allows for hate speech against other minorities. But at least America allows the freedom to hate Jews.
Here’s a few stories from a child growing up in Rochester, New York, to bring anti-Semitic pride. I don't know if that sounds right. Maybe Jewish pride.
Yesterday we spoke of Rabbi Yechiel Meir Bergman and the dog that protected the kids from anti-Semites on the way to Cheder in Rochester. Today, let's talk about me, my childhood, and more anti-Semites.
 
Jewish Boy Playing Basketball
Years ago, I was a child. Shoot. Now you know my age. I played basketball in the Christian Youth Organization league, in Rochester. We were the Jewish team, playing for the JCC. We played for Jewish pride. We didn't do a good job of it. Any Jew that saw us play would have become an apostate. The Christian Youth Organization used us as the predecessors to Jewish for Jesus in the area.
I missed a foul shot one day and everybody yelled, “Jews can’t play basketball.” I asked my friend’s mom why I couldn’t play basketball. She said, “It’s fine. You can play basketball. They just hate Jews. They hate you because your people are bad at basketball.”
For a while I started not liking my people. They were the reason I was missing foul shots. Even more so, they were the reason I was getting fouled so much.
It turns out, anything a Jew does, the nation gets blamed for it. I learned this at a young age. Thanks to Bugsy Siegel and Meyer Lansky, everybody thinks I'm a mobster. One day, a Jew was purchasing a suit and he asked if it was on sale. Now, every Jew is cheap. Thanks to me, Jews can't shoot a basketball.
Due to my playing abilities, no Jews were drafted into into the NBA in 1990s, except for Doron Sheffer, who didn't play in the NBA. He decided to play in Israel, due to the antisemitism caused by my poor shooting. It was 2009 before they decided to finally forgive me and draft a Jew. Thank you Omri Casspi for getting them to forgive me for what I did to our people.

NeoNazis on the Way to Shul
Walking to shul, there were neoNazis on the side of the road. It might have been just a bunch of bald guys. Either way. They weren’t Jewish. And that is scary enough. They started yelling, “Jews.” Which is antisemitism at its worst and most dangerous. Never let anybody call you a Jew. Next thing you know, a car is driving down the street, beeping us. Even scarier. They also yelled, “Jews.” Maybe they were warning people about Meyer Lansky. I don't know.
My dad was a strong Jew, from Brooklyn. Jews from Brooklyn don't put up with anything. You tell a Jew from Brooklyn they're not allowed to join a pickleball game, they're whacking the racket over your head. Very violent pickleball players.
Abba started chasing them all down, at once. Both the car and the neoNazis. And they were probably neoNazis in the car. They had hair, but that might have been toupees. One Jew against twelve anti-Semites, or people who just wanted to say "hi" to some Jews.
Next thing I know, my dad is yelling, “One day, you’re going to be working for my son.” I heard that and I told my dad, “Abba. That’s why they hate us.”
I think my dad was talking about my older brothers. They are quite successful. I’m right now thinking about working for them.
 
The Time That Marshalls Charged Full Retail
I went to the clearance rack, and there was no “clearance” tag on the clothes. Not even a sale sign. Everything was the suggested retail price. I knew at that moment that Marshalls must hate Jews. That was a hard lesson for a fifth grader to take in.

Postscript
After the Marshalls fiasco, I realized the world is full of anti-Semites. From then on, I only made friends with people that hated me. I needed other people to play basketball with.
I thought I would help my people by dispelling the anti-Semitic myths of Jews being bad athletes by playing more basketball. That didn't help. I continued playing and missing shots. I have not done a good job of dispelling the belief that Jews are cheap. I am sorry, but I will not stop shopping at Ollie's, and going back to Kohl's weekly, to get my rewards coupon. And yes. I still use coupons. And all Jews use coupons.
Once I reached high school, every shot I missed, I let them know, "David can't play basketball." I thought it was important they knew that I was bad, and that my people should not have to deal with persecution. Due to my lacking basketball abilities, AOC got into government. 
It was tough playing basketball in Junior Bantam elementary with the weight of Jewish national peace and Israel on my shoulders. And I want us to apologize to my people. The reputation for Jews being chubby is on me. I still have baby fat. I like to call it that.
How hatred of Jews is expressed with "Jews can't play basketball" is still something I am trying to figure out. How that leads to “from the river to the sea” chants, I can’t tell you. I did once hear that Jews can't play basketball in the river. And after learning much Torah, I now know the Jews did not play basketball when leaving Egypt, even when Gd split the sea. If they said "Jews can't play floor hockey," I would understand that is pure hatred of my people.
I did improve once I started offering favors for baskets. Thanks to Bugsy and my reputation as a mob boss, I told them I would take out their mathematics teacher if they let me have a few open layups. I wouldn’t say favors for baskets was as altruistic as the Easterseals shootout.

A Postscript Message from a Child of the ‘80s
Antisemitism is not just in Rochester. Everybody in every city has a story. They hate us everywhere. I hope that helps you feel better living in America.
People have always hated us. “Why do people hate Jews?” Answer. Because they’re Jewish. I learned that as a child in a basketball game and at shul. Ever been to shul? Everybody hates Jews there. Tons of anti-Semites at our Minyin.
When I was growing up, you learned to be tough. You learned to chase after neoNazis in cars, to get a pickup basketball game going. You learned to miss foul shots with pride. You learned how to show the cashier at Marshalls the misstich, to get a few extra dollars off on a button-down. 
Back in the early 1900s, Jews couldn't even get jobs due to hatred of our people. Now we are bosses, and they hate us more.
Be tough. Stop crying. Let them know you’re Jewish and you're proud. And don’t live in Rochester. Apparently, there’s a lot of antisemitism there.
And get a dog. Get a dog or move to Israel.