Jewish Puns XXXVIII: Mordechai’s Shivim Punim LaTorah

by Mordechai Stein

Israelis excel at jujitsu because they followed the Sensei who said, “Ju-do.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Jew do. Ju do. That’s how he pronounced judo. I think. He was an anti-Semite. You can’t plural ju-do as jus-do. That’d kill the pun. You have to read it. Some things in life only work in writing. Which is why my doctor writes the prescriptions.

Many Jews participated a lot of Sinat Chinam over the years, because it was free. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Sinat Chinam means baseless hatred. It’s why the Temple was destroyed. But Chinam means free. So, it’s free hatred of other people. And this pun is starting to sound anti-Semitic.
It’s free to hate, so it doesn’t cost that much. So, you can do a lot of it. That still sounds antisemitic. 
 
My date ordered coffee with extra fresh milk at the calfe. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It was a calfe. Not a cafe. They had calves running it. They wanted to be milked. Oh boy. She ended up drinking a lot of cowfee. You get it? Coffee. Cowfee. Coffee from a cow. She liked the milk. Two puns right there for you. I mean Meyooo. That’s a cow saying “you.” Meyoo get it. Cowfee at the calfe with the cowristas. 
This pun was not antisemitic. Cows charge a lot for their cowfee. 

I was going to grade H’, but you’re not allowed to test Him. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? We don't test H'. (Devarim 6:16) “Don’t test H’ your Gd.” That includes multiple choice. If you don't test, it's hard to grade. Pedagogy doesn't apply to H'. That's what makes Him Gd.

What’s an ant that wants family to be at their wedding? A cantaloupe! (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? An antelope would be an ant that can elope. Science. This one can't. Hence, cantaloupe. It's a religious ant. C-ant-aloupe. Not the fruit. A type of ant. Ant is in there, in the middle. The ant can't elope. Religious ants don't do that. Wants her family to be there. And she likes fruit.
That ant that shows up at the wedding is your mother’s sister that doesn’t hate you.

They named a band after my father. They called it Abba. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The band ABBA. It’s named after a Jewish dad. They made that movie. Mamma Mia! What’s weird, they didn’t even give my dad a cameo. Anti-Semites.

Why do you wait till night to eat a Danish? It's a "Day Nisht"! (Mordechai)
You get it? DayNisht. Not during the day. Advice. If I waited and not eaten at Kiddish Shabbis morning, I wouldn’t feel so bloated. Learn Yiddish and you’ll understand. And you’ll be healthier, eating pastry at night. 

​Note: You've learned how puns are a good way to express antisemitism. And you’ve also learned the science of a cantaloupe, that cannot marry an ant. There is so much we teach you. And now you know when to eat pastry. If you knew Yiddish, we wouldn’t have to tell you.