Jewish Puns XXXIII: Mordechai’s Shivim Punim LaTorah

by Mordechai Stein

It took Noach 120 years to build the ark. The gopher wood was busy doing stuff for other people. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The wood Noach used was gopher wood. A gofer. It was too busy running errands for other people. If you you're a boss, this one works great. Try to find the errand runner and workshop the pun. Your staff will hate you more.
 
What do you say when eating a leafy vegetable that’s been peppered with a little salt and a dash of citrus? Kale Melach Leemon. (Mordechai)
You get it? Instead of Kel Melech Ne’eman, which is said before Shema- when said alone. Kel is Gd’s name but not. It’s Gd’s name pronounced un-in-vain. In this prayer, you spell Gd’s substituted name more phonetically correct to suit the vegetable and the pun. Melach is salt. And Leemon is lemon, for those learning the correct Hebrew word. Or you can maybe just say the Ha’adama blessing, as it’s from the ground.
A lot of thought went into this pun. And heresy.
 
How many people died when the fire came down on Sedom? A Lot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A lot. But this is a Lot. Lot was saved by the angel/s. They spent a Lot of time getting him out of Sedom. I have no idea how a Lot works with a lot. To help, Lot is not pronounced like “lot.” That also doesn’t help the pun. If Keanu Reeves would’ve said this in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, it would’ve work. 
Those committed to puns will change their accent when needed.
 
It was a family of sinners living in Chevron. All those children of Chet. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Chet means sin. They were the children of Chet. Chet with a “Tet” is sin, but this family is Chet with a “Taf.” So, it is still a pun. But it makes no sense.
And this is where puns as educational tools are questionable. It depends on the teacher, and if they are fine with their students not knowing how to spell right.
 
When is it OK to leave on your watch when putting on Tefillin? When you’re strapped for time. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tefillin are straps. Strapped for time.

How do we know Rachel paid her maidservant? She’d Bilhah. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bilhah. Bill her. Rachel’s maid was Bilhah. Zilpah didn’t charge Leah. How do we know that? Because she didn’t Bilhah. Thank you. See how I brought that pun back around for you.

Why was Yaakov’s name changed to Yisrael? Because he struggled with Gd. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Saritah. Root is “Sar.” He struggled with Gd. Puns are about education at the Kibbitzer Magazine. Sometimes the pun is right there. Deliver it like a pun and it can be a pun. It's all about how you say it. The Torah is full of puns. "He made Sukkot, so he called it Sukkot." Silly Yaakov. The punster. 

***Note: Education in the pun world is of paramount importance. We suggest you do much research, and understand your students' literacy level, before using the Chet pun.