Jewish Puns XXXI: Mordechai’s Shivim Punim LaTorah

by Mordechai Stein

How do we know Balak didn’t pay? He had to Bil-am. (Mordechai)
You get it? Bilam. Bill him. Balak called on Bilam to pay the Jews with a curse. If curses are currency. Not sure.
If you say Bilam fast, it sounds like bill him. That’s how we know there was no prophet. But profit, meaning money. Another pun. Profit. Bilam was a prophet. Prophet. Profit. Brilliant. Same word. Almost. Do prophets make profit? I guess it depends on if they get paid.
 
For forty years in the Midbar, Moshe didn’t desert the people. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? He stayed with the people. Midbar means desert. Desert has two meanings. Desert and desert. We used Midbar, the Hebrew word for desert, dry land desert, making the pun more potent in its delivery. Which is why you got a good hearty laugh from this pun.
To be clear, for proper Torah education reasons, Moshe wasn't a cannibal. He kept Kosher. And he also didn’t feed the Jewish people dessert, which is why they were always complaining. He was hoping a chocolate syrup fountain would come out when he hit the rock. We will focus more on the desert-dessert pun genre next time.

My friend lost a loved one and has been feeling down once lunchtime's been rolling around. So he started afternooning. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s like mourning, but in the afternoon. Mourning. Morning. He thought you did mourning in the morning. Where you feel bad in the mornings. He didn't know you also mourned a loved one in the afternoon. He thought the pun was what you did. He didn't realize they weren't spelled the same. So, he afternooned. Now, he could mourn in the afternoon, like most people who are walking around depressed at work.

Somebody gave a Tisha BAv talk last year. She was the keynote speaker. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Keynote. Kinot is what we read on Tisha BAv, lamentations. The keynote speaker talked about Kinot. So many have used this pun. It’s public property because it’s so brilliant. A keynote speech should be given on it.

How should we sing Lecha Dodi over the weekend? In a Shabbaton. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s Shabbat. Shabbatons are Shabbat weekend retreats. Tone. Shabbaton. That tone is the one you should use. Doesn’t have an “e,” but a Shabbat retreat is a place to sing. Singles have Shabbatons, especially around Tu BAv. Sing-les. If they were alone and singing, they would be Singles... Acapella groups are always looking for names. Names are only good in pun form. I’m here to help. A Jewish singles acapella troupe, The Sing-les Shabbatones. That's the best name, so people who don't get the pun will understand it. Hence, the dash. And they might be able to sell hotel rooms at the same time. For the retreat (if I have to explain- puns don't preclude business).

The secretary took the minutes at the board meeting and then sent it to everybody. The minutes read “One Hundred and Twenty-Seven.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Minutes is what happens in a meeting. Not the actual time. The secretary gave the number of minutes. Silly.

How do you know Kosher fish are musical? They have to have scales. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Scales are musical notes that sound good together. Kosher fish must have scales. Nonetheless, many Kosher fish hate to weigh themselves. Why? When they are overweight, they don't like to use their scales. Wanted to give you another funny. Just adding to the funniness of the pun with more brilliance on scales. To recap, fish have scales, scales are used for weighing things, and they are organized musical notes that are very heavy.
Puns are best delivered in question form.