Jewish Puns XXIV: Mordechai’s Shivim Punim LaTorah

by Mordechai Stein

Russian Jews were so against paying for water in the desert. They gave Moshe a rebel. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Rebel. Ruble. A ruble is Russian currency. Moshe called the people rebellious at Mei Merivah. Rebels. Rubles. They gave him a rebel. Not a ruble. Rebel. Rebellion. Many layers here. Please know we love Russian Jews. Russian Jewry was needed to make that work. Next time we’ll do a pun about Jewry and jewelry. Please note, Russian Jews were not around at the time we were wondering in the desert.
 
They had a Jewish diamond store. They said they were looking for a customer base that was made of American Jewelry. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Jewelry. Jewry. American Jewelry. If you were thinking American Jewry, that's anti-Semitic. Or pro-jewelry. This pun keeps on giving. Please note, we said we would bring you a Jewry, jewelry pun. We stuck to our play on word.
 
They were trying to figure out if they needed to wrap a Tallis for Maariv. The rabbi decided they shawl not. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Shall. Shawl. A Tallis is a prayer shawl. Shawl not put it on. Should be 'shall.' Thank you. I speak a proper English even in pun form.
 
Fast days are very important. I did the 17th of Tamuz fast in four hours. That was a very fast day. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Fast day. Fast. Quick. The fast was over faster cause we did in less time. We should get more reward for doing a fast day faster. But don't. You should mourn for longer. You shouldn't follow puns as Halacha all the time. There are better texts than this for Jewish law.
 
Why’s this fast different from all other fasts? All other fasts tables are below. This fast, it's Tish above. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tisha BAv. Tish above sounds exactly the same. Tish is table in Yiddish. If you don't know that, it's not a pun. Hence, the need to know at least three languages to understand our puns. It’s not Pesach, but you can still ask questions on this night.
 
The Shadchan didn’t set me up. Though, she did help with Havdalah. She had an idea for a match. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Shadchan is a matchmaker. Sets people up. But hear they're helping with matches. At Havdalah we light a candle. Matchmaker. Match. Maybe they're a candle-maker that calls themselves a matchmaker. I don't know.

His Layning was so bad. They asked what he was doing. One guy said, ‘Kriat HaTorah.’ (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kriat HaTorah. Tearing the Torah. It usually means ‘reading the Torah,’ but this is a pun. The same word for reading Torah and tearing clothes to mourn, 'Kriah,' if you want the joke to have more meaning. Learn Hebrew, then come back and read out puns. You might want to also learn French, just in case.