Jewish Jokes We Stole: Yizkur Appeal and Paying Pledges

by David Kilimnick

I took that card home. I’m not taking any chances.

Yom Kippur is coming up and Jews should go to shul. But be ready for the Yizkur appeal. You paid your dues. You paid for the chair. There's more. When you see cards with flip tabs that recollect loved ones, stay away. Take yours, pocket it and make sure to throw it out when you get home. Otherwise, a rogue usher will get hold of it and you'll get more bills from the shul.
And I shall warn you. Try not to listen to the Yom Kippur Yizkur sermon. The rabbi will start talking about relatives that passed, plucking those emotional donation strings, you'll be flipping tabs and your kids will end up with no inheritance.
Here are a few jokes about the Yizkur appeal and paying Jewish community pledges, if giving away the inheritance is funny.

Lost at Sea
The guilt of a Jew follows them everywhere. Even when lost at sea, they're thinking about the shul.
Joke: Merv and Sadie are on a cruise and get lost at sea. The captain tells all aboard they're going to be stuck on an island. Merv and Sadie are excited. This island wasn't part of the itinerary. The captain then goes on to tell them, 'The island cannot be found on any maps. So, the odds they'll be rescued are about zero.'
Merv turns to Sadie and asks, 'Honey. Are our life insurance policies paid up?' 'Of course.' 'Baruch H". Thank Gd.'
'Did we turn off the stove in the house?' 'Yes.' 'Blessed be Gd.'
'Did we pay our pledge for the Yizkur appeal?'
'Shoot. I forgot to send the check.'
'Thank Heaven. The shul will find us.'
That's the one positive of flipping the tab on the Yizkur appeal card. It's insurance. The Jewish community will find you, at least until you paid. After that, nobody will check up on you. You won't get a call. Chanukah will go by without the rabbi calling. Once Pesach starts coming around, they'll call to hit you up for the next Yizkur appeal.
Merv usually calls Sadie 'Sweetie.' But in the spirit of Rosh Hashana, he calls her 'Honey' during the High Holiday season.
Baruch H' means 'Blessed be Gd.' Even if they're stuck on a stranded island, thank Gd their finances are in order.

Search Party for Mr. Cohen
The UJA was great at asking for money back in the day. They joined with the Federations and the name changed to the Jewish Federation of North America. However, UJA sounds much better than JFNA in jokes. By the time you're finished with the JFNA acronym you've lost the crowd.
Joke: Sid Cohen is lost. Nobody can find him for days. An elderly man, the greater community is worried about Sid. The community organizes groups to look for Sid. They go to the parks, the malls, the grocery stores. Sid is nowhere to be found.
Finally going into the woods, they send out different groups to separate into the forest, shouting, 'Search party for Cohen! Search party for Cohen!' Finally they hear a voice, 'If it’s the UJA, I already paid my pledge.'
Why grocery stores made it into the joke, I can't tell you. I can tell you, if you want people to not contact you, pay your pledge.

Finding Jews To Get More Money
Let's stick with UJA. UJC also doesn't work. Though it folded, it gives the jokes historical context.
Joke: Father McFarwell receives a phone call from the United Jewish Appeal. He answers, as he doesn't have caller ID. It was the '80s. He denies he's Jewish. The caller explains 'Father McFarwell. We’re the UJA. We don’t make mistakes. You’re Jewish.’ McFarwell explains, 'I'm a Father. I have crucifixes everywhere. My father was a leader of the church and my mother, Oleha HaShalom... She was buried years ago at Mt. Zion Cemetery. You shouldn’t know of such things. You should live and be well.'
I added 'you shouldn’t know of such things. You should live and be well.' I felt like it gave it some extra Jewish flavor. Like Tzimis.
Oleh HaShalom and Olav HaShalom (Peace unto her and Peace unto him). Using Oleh HaShalom shows how Jews can't avoid saying certain stuff. Hence, a Frum New York Jew who becomes less religious is called a tuna baygel. He will always say 'baygel.'
I'm telling you. Try UJC, it doesn't work. It doesn't have the same ring to it. Ever since the UJA stopped running the Jewish joke genre has died.

Conclusion
All good Jewish jokes are about losing money. We need the UJA back for the jokes.

Epilogue
Always be ready. When you hear anybody mentioning a loved one that passed away, they're going to be asking you for money. When you're poor, nobody wishes you condolences.
You can't get away from the community, unless if you're broke. If you're broke, you'll never receive a call from the shul office or the JFNA. You see? it doesn't work. You won't get a call from the UJA.