Jewish Jokes We Stole: My Rabbi Is The Best

by David Kilimnick

That kid will be arguing with everybody that his rebbe is the holiest. How can he not? (by Marcin Gottlieb 1867-1936)

Ever since Chasidic tradition began in the 18th century, Jews have looked up to their rabbis. They've praised their rabbis. They've respected their rabbis. At least until Jews started Ashkenaz communities in the United States. Now tradition is to talk about the community rabbi and how much of a sinner he is.
For these jokes we're going to look to our tradition of respect for the rabbi, or rebbe.

A Twenty Dollar Bill on Shabbis
Money is important. Which is why all great miracles are about money. Nobody cared about the splitting of the sea, until they found some Egyptian gold floating on the water.
You have to know words like Talmidim. Otherwise, the rabbi jokes don't have the right flavor. A Talmid is a student. Talmidim are students. Now we're ready for this joke.
Joke: Two Talmidim are speaking of their rebbes' holiness. 'My rabbi is so great. So holy. We were walking on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. My rebbe said, "It will be there after Shabbis." Sure enough, when Shabbis was over, we went there and the twenty dollar bill was there. And my rebbe picked it up.'
The other Talmid let him know, 'My rebbe is even holier. We were walking down the street on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the side of the road. My rebbe said, "No more Shabbis." And sure enough. There was no more Shabbis. And my rebbe picked up the twenty dollars.'
You see. If we would've said students, you would've been asking if it was a joke.
All rabbi jokes should start with, 'My rabbi is so great. So holy.'

How Far Can a Rabbi See
Rabbis are all knowing. Never argue with their Talmidim.
Joke: A Talmid in Los Angeles tells his friend, 'My rabbi said the rebbe in New York passed away.' To which his friend said, 'But the newspaper in New York said he was still alive.' To which the Talmid said, 'It's not enough that my rabbi can see all the way to NY?!'
The best Jewish jokes end with a question. If you're not confused is it really a joke?!

The Rebbe Who Always Fasted
These competitions for better rebbe are quite hard to win.
Joke: The Talmid tells his friend, 'My rebbe is so great. So holy. My rebbe fasts every day. All day. Every day. That's how holy he is. He doesn't need to eat' In response, 'What do you mean? I saw him eating at the deli the other day. He had a pastrami on rye. Then a club sandwich. Then stuffed derma.' The Talmid explains, 'That's how modest my rebbe is. He's so modest, he doesn't want you to know he's fasting.'
This isn't the same friend. This was a Talmid in New York. So, it's a different Talmid and a different friend.

NonJews Should Also Know How Holy Rabbis Are
Sometimes you have to argue with a nonJew. Just make sure it's not in the middle of a pogrom.
Joke: The neighbor tells his friend, 'My priest knows more than your rabbi.' To which the Jew responds, 'That's because you tell him everything.'
In Judaism we don't do confession. If there was confession, everybody would show up to the rabbi to complain.

Conclusion
A true rebbe can do no wrong. That's unless he tells his Talmidim they have to do Mitzvahs.
My Abba told these jokes better than me.

Epilogue
We had a moment in our shul the other day where we were all able to see the holiness of our rabbi. It was Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which we eat together in shul). Our rabbi was learning at the middle of the table, as we were waiting to learn with him. He didn't look up to learn with us. In a moment of great affection, I was able to delight, 'In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' To which another congregant responded, 'Our rabbi is a Talmid Chuchum.' And we all walked away not learning anything.
We didn't learn that Shalishudis, as we usually do. But we were able to take in how holy our rabbi is.
It turned out our rabbi wasn't learning. He was looking up times for when we can end Shabbis. He wanted Shabbis over already.
Our rabbi cares so much for his congregants, he will do anything to get them out of shul.