Jerusalem Tour: Second Day at the Kotel

by David Kilimnick

Yom Yerushalayim and Shavuot are two days where Jews from all over the country visit the Kotel and spend the night. 
Let us continue our tour of the Kotel from where we left off, at the guy attacking us with Tefillin. In Jerusalem, one should always be careful of religious artifacts, as fervor can turn them into projectiles. 

People Walking Backwards
"Why do people walk backwards at the Kotel," you ask. If you don't walk backwards the chances of hitting people is less. Tradition is to not turn your back on the Holy Temple. Instead, you knock people over and don't say "excuse me."
I got bumped a few times just now. That is correct. It helps me to connect with my people. And I just got bumped again.
Why is nobody moonwalking? Very good question. And yes, that would add style. The Jewish people are not very coordinated. That guy walking backwards to the right just tripped on himself. It's not a Mitzvah to trip yourself. Just others.
Most of the people frequenting the Kotel are not good dancers. Very out of shape. Look at that guy bowing. That's the most exercise he's gotten this week. Most Jews can't breakdance. Dancing in our community is only done in circle form, while holding onto other people, to stop you from falling.
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Kotel Yarmulkes
You will notice Yarmulkes here are at the Kotel. Many heretics do show up to the Kotel. They're called Jews who voted for Mamdani. They hate Israel and wear the Yarmulkes that people give out at events. 
Your questions are excellent. Anybody who wears the Kippah they give out at the Bar Mitzvah is a heretic.
The logo of the Kotel is on the Kippah for advertisement. They're trying to get out the word about this place.
You can take one. Nobody will go out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable for stealing from the Kotel. They're not used to people coming to holy sites to steal from Gd.
These Yarmulkes are made out of cloth. A bit of Kotel history. They used to give out paper Kippahs, in order to make non-religious people look like idiots. They would wear paper Yarmulkes that were used for serving nachos, to remind them they were further from Gd. 
The paper Yarmulkes were made from the Jewish Origami tradition of connecting paper with staples.  
 
Shawls Handed Out on Women’s Side
They're handing out shawls as shoulders are considered immodest. How do you figure out what's immodest? Anything that's comfortable to wear in the summer. Other things that are immodest are hats, shirts and bathrobes. Wicker furniture is also heresy.

Shawls on the Men's Side
That's a Tallis.

Sir. Watch where you're going. Walk backwards and turn your head to look. 
This guy is doing the wave and moonwalking. That's why we don't moonwalk. And he fell. It's an uneven floor surface. Notice the ground is not even. The ancient stone ground, as you see, is not a fully smooth surface. Built in the time of the Romans, you can see that the Kohens had to have very strong feet to walk on the stone. Not Merv Kohen. The priests. They didn't have shoes back then. 
I can't tell you if shoes are immodest. However, I can tell you that people wear shoes during the summer.

That's a Guy Looking Over the Mechitzah
He is checking out the ladies. He's not just praying to meet a woman. He's taking initiative. And initiative scares women. And that is Kotel security escorting him out.
What a Gever (a man)?! Showing up to the Kotel, showing off his midriff. He should have a shawl.
 
That Man with the Blanket
We learn from Isaiah that the Temple was known as house of prayer for all nations. Between us. That guy is taking Yeshayahu’s teachings too far. Yes, that man is sleeping at the Kotel. If somebody can tell him that this is not his home. Pulling in a couch to the Kotel Plaza is wrong. Even if it is a holiday, squatting at the Kotel is wrong.

I am beginning to not like this tradition of getting hit. Can people here please look at where they are walking. Maybe walk forward. Yes. That is just called walking. People don't say "forward walking." They just say "walking" because it's normal.

Good question. We’re spending a lot of time at the Kotel. I really don’t know much about anything else in the Old City. We shall continue with the third day at the Kotel tomorrow.
Yeah. That was a quick tour. For the rest of the day, enjoy.

And I just got bumped again by somebody who's not watching where they're walking.
Oh. Another question from Phillip, who just got hit. That's tradition. You pass somebody, you hit them. Why he smacked you in the face, that was a bit much.
Traditionally, in the times of the Temple, Jerusalem was the religious gathering area. Jews would come for the three pilgrimage holidays, Shalosh Regalim of Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot, to bring their sacrifices to the Temple. This whole area would be packed. And that is where the walking backwards tradition began. A passive aggressive way of hitting other people.
Tradition has it that there was always room in the times of the Temple. They still pushed. They were frustrated after the walk from Babylonia. They had to take it out on somebody. So they pushed. They had room, but they pushed. And to this day, we are getting hit by random people who don't look where they walk.

And that is a Kol HaOlam Koolo Song Circle happening in the Kotel Plaza right now. You can see everybody in the circle holding onto each other. Ensuring they do not fall.

He's laying out his dinner. That guy with the blanket is homeless. That's not what Yeshayahu meant by a home for all nations. He wasn't saying that Tzachi should be sleeping in the middle of the Kol HaOlam Koolo Circle.

Note Sent to Your Tour Guide After the Tour: We don't feel that you did a full day's work. A half hour at the Kotel and then you said, "Enjoy the rest of the day. You can tour whatever you would like. I just got bumped again." And then you left. You asked for eight-hundred-dollars and you left.