Iran War Update – Second Month of War

by David Kilimnick

What I gathered from the second month of war.

The IRGC noticed they didn't bomb some countries, so they attacked Cyprus. They didn't want to leave anybody out. They are very inclusive about who they attack. Equitable. You don't have to be an enemy. Nobody should feel left out.
And this is why many left-wing Americans support them. The IRGC is equitable with who they massacre, execute and aim ballistic missiles at.

The new Ayatollah is brought out to the people. Cardboard. He's made of cardboard. I knew it. 

According to the UK armed conflict is only legal if the UK gets attacked. And you're allowed to attack Jews in Britain. You can stab them. And you can blow up Jewish stuff. They're Jews.

Strait of Hormuz. Never heard of that. Stocks go down. Now I heard of it. 
First time in my life, I care about gas.

The American far right is formed. Turns out they're Democrats.
Tucker Carlson claims that Israel bombed Saudi Arabia and Qatar. It turns out they didn't. But they still did. Ask Tucker. Somehow that makes sense.
It turns out you can blame Jews for anything. You do not need to be correct. You should still blame the Jews. If you're lucky, it will lead to more terror attacks against Jews.
It's the Jews' fault.

Iran is still ruining flights.
Jews go through Egypt to fly out of Israel. The extent that Jews are willing to sacrifice themselves to leave Israel. It's the story of the Exodus relived. The commitment of the American Jew to not be in Israel. ​The resolve of our people to get out. It's reminiscent of the Jews in the desert.
The conviction is praiseworthy. For Aliyat LRegel, the pilgrimage holiday of Pesach, all made sure to be in Florida this year. 

American negotiations with Iran do not go well. Not blaming anyone. For whatever reason, negotiating with people who want to kill you is not easy.
The English of the IRGC commanders isn’t good. The IRGC thinks America is telling them they can’t have any Iranian in Iran. The IRGC is saying, “We already have 60% Iranians.” This uranium issue will never get solved. 
 
Car rams synagogue in New York. It's starting to feel like London. New Yorkers are hoping this will improve the subway queues.
Mamdani is fine with it. Jewish New Yorkers who voted for him are happy, as everybody should have the right to get run over.

New York protest gets attacked. TATP, known as Mother of Satin, is used. News anchors call them out. “These idiots mixed Mother of Satin wrong.” The news goes off on the right way to mix it. “If you’re going to follow ISIS, follow them right.” Now every kid in America knows how to make Mother of Satin correctly. Thanks to Fox News, American children are finally educated.
First terror attack in a while that has nothing to do with Jews. Jews are blamed. 
It's the Jews and Israel.

It's easier to say "it’s Israel’s fault." You can always blame Jews. If you're losing, blame the Jews. And add "the" to "Jews." It gets out that much more hate. The Jews!
 
American left is still angry about ICE. I thought with the war, it was ISIS. Nope. They're mad about the cold weather in Minnesota. Ice is annoying. We have to deal with that in Upstate New York as well.
Love it. Got the Iranian Uranium pun. Now we're working with ICE and ISIS. I love ices.

NATO doesn't help at all. Now they want oil. They don't help. NATO bit. We're rolling with the puns today. NATO bit. Not a bit. Brilliance. Thank you. 

The Oscars brings out all of Hollywood, to celebrate how much they hate Donald Trump. They also gave awards to some movies so the actors can blame Israel. "And the next Oscar goes I hate Israel and Jews." "And Genocide: The Evils of Defending Your People and Trying to Save Gazan Children While Hamas is Trying to Kill You."

Shuls are being attacked. That seems to be not an issue.
Our shul beefs up security with a committee. If any terrorist attacks our shul, we will make them pay dues.

More people killed, massacred and executed by the IRGC in Iran. They're not military, so it's fine.

Saleh Mohammadi, Iranian wrestler, is executed for not being happy with his government. Many Americans who hate America and Donald Trump seem to be pro this execution, as it is wrong to be against your government.
Iranian women soccer players in Australia have to go back to Iran. You can only execute and rape people properly in Iran. It's just a shame that "bushy beard and smile" of the Ayatollah Khomeini wasn't there to greet them.

Palestinians are hit by ballistic missile. Dead. Everybody is happy Iran did it. First thing not called genocide in two and a half years.

Israelis are in bunkers for a month and a half. Again. The IRGC is shooting at civilians, so it's OK. We've established that.

More Iranian women are gang raped. Then they're executed. That's fine. The American left is fighting for human rights, and they believe that all women who protest should be properly raped before execution.
 
Strait of Hormuz is blocked. It was the Jews. Again.

This war is Biblical. Ilam is Iran and rabbi's are using this whole thing to do Kiruv.

There is a ceasefire which means Iran attacks.
And Hezbollah attacks Israel. And the Jews get blamed. And the ceasefire between America and the IRGC was meant for Israel to stop defending itself.

Every member of Hezbollah and Hamas are journalists. That’s a hundred-fifty-thousand journalists. Highest number of journalists ever reported. Turns out that sending people to battle with cameras. Not effective.
And now we have proof that journalists are terrorists.

That's four-hundred-eighty hours of Youtube logged since the beginning of the war. 

The IRGC will not give up. Navy is gone. They’re now attacking in rowboats. I believe they stopped a ship from getting through the Strait of Hormuz with a paddle. Got an oar. Splashing the ships.
Swimming out to aircraft carriers with life vests. Attacking with paper airplanes. They will not use cardboard. Cardboard is holy. You do not attack with the Ayatollah. From the first time I saw him, I knew he was cardboard.
Cardboard is not a reference to homosexuality.

Donald Trump keeps talking about making a deal. He wants to make a deal. America is at war and he wants to bargain for Chochkies.

The real problem. Gas prices are up.

Conclusion
Israel will be blamed no matter what. That’s what we learned from the war, again. Blame the Jews. And it feels good to blame the Jews. If you're ever down. Having a hard day. Get it out. THE JEWS!!!

It's the Jews who voted for Mamdani. I just tried screaming "Mamdani." That's a good way to get out anger too. Got to spread that. MAMDANI!!! Might help skew some of the Jew hate.

If you are at all connected to the IRGC do not become an athlete. It's not good to be an athlete in Iran. If I ever go professional, I am not joining the IRGC Cup league. I will not fall for that.
And do not become a journalist. They will throw you on the front-lines. The whole Hezbollah army is journalists. Only journalists. Every perpetrator of October 7th, a journalist.

​​You can have a lot of fun with the Iranian Uranium joke. If you don't have an American accent, they sound close enough.