Iran War Rundown – The First Days

This is what happened the first few days of the war. Or what I gathered from the news.

Iran massacres five to fifty-five thousand of their people in two days, depending on your news source. IRGC Foreign Minister Araghchi claims it was only around five thousand innocent people that were massacred and executed. Which is not an issue.
President Trump told the Iranian people, "I have your back." The Iranian people are like, "Where is Donald Trump?! I don't see him. My back is right here. And they're shooting at it."
The IRGC is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, and they run Iran, and I am confused. I thought the "I" was for "Iranian." Ilhan Omar thought the "I" meant "one."
And it's all Israel's fault.

The IRGC has enriched uranium, which would be a problem. Donald Trump is president, and so they should be allowed to have it. And that is what I gathered from CNN.

Iran is attacked by America and Israel. Iran responds by shooting ballistic missiles at everybody that is not America. Iran fights back by trying to hit airports. Their military strategy is to kill my vacation plans. 

Khamenei is taken out. New York Times gives a beautiful eulogy for the Tzadik, the righteous man. The kind man that so many looked up to, as he massacred and raped women with an open heart.
The Washington Post misses “his bushy white beard and easy smile,” and his desire to kill everybody in America, and the gifts he gives the children on Christmas.
Mamdani is mourning Khamenei’s death and trying to figure out how he can hate Jews more.
Cenk shows great respect for the Ayatollah who "died on his own two feet.” Which means he died and those were his two feet. Which is to be commended.
  
Everybody blames Jews in Gaza.

The war is not a war. President Trump said it’s not a war. And now he can fight the war.
Let us be clear. This is an operation. The Korean War was an operation. Vietnam, not a war. An operation. America hasn’t fought a war since WWII. Which is really World War Eleven. Finally, Ilhan Omar read that acronym correctly. And we can all agree, Roman numerals are racist.
Americans don't do wars. They do military operations. Procedures. We’re in Iran for medical reasons. 

Alireza Arafi is appointed the new Ayatollah on March first. Pronounced dead Ayatollah on March second. For some reason, nobody wants to be the new Ayatollah.
 
Iran is winning the war. And they have proof. They have a video of them blowing up all of Israel on Grand Theft Auto. 
CNN and the New York Times make it clear that Iran is winning. Their planes and ships are taken out, which means they're winning.
The IRGC leadership being eliminated is part of the war winning strategy. They have now redefined genocide, colonization, aggressors, journalists and what it means to win a war.
And the IRGC continues to threaten America with their gaming abilities, challenging the US military to Call of Duty.

Trump gives press conference about the war in Iran to talk about his new White House ballroom. 

America is blamed for targeting girls’ school on Iran base. It is a very sad situation. America says they didn’t target civilians, as it is wrong to target civilians if you are not Iran. Questions of why a girls' school is on a military base, not a focus.
The IRGC is extremely mad that the US may have killed their citizens. To quote IRGC leadership, "We want to be the ones to kill our people."

Iran attacks every civilian in every country. Nobody cares.
Spike Lee blames Israel. Iran is located somewhere in the Gaza Strip. Greta Thunberg agrees.

Israel is to blame for controlling America. Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens said it. It is thus true.
"If you can't blame Israel, blame Bibi. If you can't blame Bibi, blame the Jews. If you can't blame the Jews, blame the Jews."

America's allies of NATO don't help, and they don't let the US fly through. As such, it's important to keep them as allies. 
 
The air defense systems that Iran got from China don’t work. To quote Cash Jordan, “Because it came from China.” And I still need a new USB cable.


The Democratic Party is bothered by this "unprovoked act of illegal aggression," as Iran has never attacked an American. And that is “a fact.” Tucker Carlson said so.
“Illegal” is now defined as anything Donald Trump does.
Mamdani calls it an "illegal war of aggression." Which bothers people, as "illegal wars of aggression" to defend yourself from people attacking you should only refer to Israel. And Iranians hate Mamdani.
Wait. Mamdani does care. Though he wants their to die, he says he is going to protect the Jews and Iranians of New York. How? By supporting pro-Palestinian protests in synagogues.

AOC calls this a "forever war." From February 28th to March is now defined by all news outlets as "forever." 
A week is now forever. And this is why nobody likes going on car rides with AOC. You're in the SUV for ten minutes, she's asking "how much longer." Complaining, "It's taking forever."
What AOC doesn't seem to understand is this is not a war. It's a procedure.

Araghchi makes it clear that the IRGC is kind and loves its people. The only reason Iranians don't have internet access is because they all support the regime. And the IRGC only kills the Iranian citizens because they love them.

Israel building gets blown up. Gives the American left something to cheer about. It's been too long since somebody tried to assassinate Donald Trump. And not enough massacres of Iranians happened over the course of a week. It felt like "forever."
Israelis are always thankful to Gd. As ballistic missiles come flying in, they keep their positive outlook, singing and dancing in the shelters and in the streets. Because nothing bothers an enemy more than Israeli dancing. That’s how you taunt an enemy. Skipping in circles, hopping back and forth. Goading Iran, with Israeli folk dance twirls. 
 
Palestinians get hit by Iranian ballistic missile. Nobody cares.

Conclusion
Mamdani is against the war because not enough Americans are dying.

Iran is allowed to shoot at civilians. It's a loophole in international law known as "The IRGC is allowed to."
The IRGC rule, "Never attack an army." To quote the UN, “They value the lives of soldiers. They only attack civilians and planes.”

War is illegal if Donald Trump and Israel are part of it. And the law is it’s considered a war crime to fight armies. 
And it's the Jews fault. And it's now a war crime to dance.

They finally found a new Ayatollah. The Ayatollah is a cardboard cutout that is making decisions to execute civilians. The new Supreme Leader is made of fine card stock.
And Donald Trump finds it extremely funny that the devout Muslim leader is homosexual. Which is ironic, as he would have to kill himself. The Democratic Party considers that illegal warfare, and offensive to corrugated paper.

​That's what I gathered from the news. And you’re supposed to hate Jews.