Interviews of Jews: What a Jewish Mother Wants

by Rivka Schwartz

Mother's Day is coming. ​I asked local community member, Chaya Hoffbaum, what she wants. Let's hear what she would like for Mother's Day.

What do you want for Mother's Day?
Sleep. I haven't had that in twenty-two years.

So you've been raising a family on no sleep?
None at all. Had kids. Have not slept since. Twenty-two years.

How do you not sleep?
No. Idea. They started crying. That was eight years.

Just cries?
Yep. Eight years. Then they stopped crying. Since, the only words I've heard are "MOM!"

Is raising kids on no sleep responsible?
Would it be better if I ran away and abandoned the kids. Went and lived on a cruise ship. Started another family. Would it be better if I was one of the other parents in this congregation?!

Why haven't you slept?
I told you. I have kids.

What about your husband?
He gets great sleep.

How does your husband sleep?
Great. Amazing. Sprawls out on the bed. We had a guy break in. Slept right through it. Not a problem. Kids screaming. Not a problem. I have never heard the kids screaming, "DAD!"

Did you sleep before you had kids?
I had a husband.

Twenty-two-years? Not one minute of sleep?
None at all.

Does your husband help at all?
Sometimes he'll help himself to some brisket. He really likes brisket and corned beef. Shawarma. Loves pizza. He'll have extra helpings of that. He helps himself.

Adoption?
That's an option. If it will let me get sleep. Do they take husbands?
I don't know.

What do you want for your kids?
Wealth.

Why?
So they can support me.

Don't you want something else for them?
No. Ever heard about return on investment. I paid for Jewish schooling. I need something to show for that.
Before sending them to Jewish day school, I wanted them to be happy. Now I want my money back.

What about Torah?
You don't send your kids to Yeshiva Day School for that.

Does marrying rich count?
Yes. My kids should do so well in school.

What are your kids going to college for?
A Kallah. A spouse.

What about learning Torah. Maybe studying Bible, science, math?
They can do that on their own time.

Grandkids?
As long as I don't have to pay for their Jewish day school, I'll accept them.

Is there any specific field you would like your children to work in?
No. Just money.

Is that a field?
It should be.

What about a doctor?
Don't care. If it pays. OK.

Mafia? Jewish mob?
All good. I don't judge.

What about a doctor in the mafia?
​Now that's Nachis.

What do you want for Mother's Day?
My kids, out of the house.
Do they not have friends?! That would be a beautiful Mother’s Day. Not having to be a mother.

If you're not a mother, how do you celebrate Mother's Day?
Exactly.

Do you want any gifts?
No. Just the kids out of the house.
My money back. That would be good. Pull the youngest out of third grade, make them get a job.

Do your kids love you?
Yes. That’s the problem. Love means I can’t sleep.

So. Love is bad.
Love is the bane of my life. This is why I go to shul. To be around people who don't love me.

What do you want for yourself?
I can't remember.

Why don't you get out of the house for a bit?
Ever heard of carpools?!

Are you a happy mom?
Very happy. Happy and proud of my kids. They're the best.

What do your kids do now?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Haven't lifted a hand...
Clean. Clean!!!! Is it that hard to clean?!!! Why does nobody clean in this house?!!! 
I just don't want to see them.​ One day. One day. That's all I'm asking for. ONE DAY!!!
(we heard "MOM!" at that moment and Chaya ran)
Is your dad still sleeping?!!!

Postscript
That ended the interview. Chaya had a nervous breakdown. Not sleeping for twenty-two-years and then being asked questions can do that. It might have been hearing "MOM" yelled right then, that was the breaking point.
Chaya started the interview quite happy.
I hope this interview was not the reason she left her family.

Lessons from Interview
Never ask a mother questions about their family and how it is being a mother. If they think about it, it will lead to divorce.​
If you have kids, you have to not care about them. Otherwise, you won't get sleep. Responsible parenting will ruin your life. Most parents in our shul let their kids run around. They don't notice their kids ripping the couches, throwing Danish, damaging each other's faces. Those are the happy parents. Very well rested.
Call your mother for Mother's Day. And get a job and get out of the house. Because she loves you.