How to Open the Ark at High Holiday Services: A Beginner's Guide

by Rabbi David

Anybody opening the ark is either an old person, or a heretic who shows up once a year. Or a Tzadik, who dedicates his life to Gd. I'm assuming you're a heretic.
They'll have you opening the ark. That's the best honor you'll get. They see you as a heretic, so they don't trust you with leading in any of the services. Instead, they give you physical labor.
Make sure you know how to do it. Get it down. This is your chance to shine as a heretic. And you don't want to look like a Apikores doing that. So, make it look good.

Know When to Open the Ark
Study up on the Machzor. Being your Hebrew is at a first-grade level, since you stopped learning Hebrew in the eighth grade, this is going to be hard. The Gabai tells you the Tefillah you have and they expect you to be up there opening the Aron on time. The problem here is the Gabai assumes that you care about being Jewish. 
You don't want people exhaling. Loud exhales, the sound of hatred and disappointment, runs deep in disgust for people who can't figure out the Aron timing.
Follow the Machzor. They have English notes to tell you when to go up and open the Aron. Those notes are not what the shul does. The Gabai has the notes for when the shul expects you to open the ark. He won't tell you that. So, follow the Machzor. It will give you an idea of when people will be breathing out in anger. If you get a "Nu," you might as well take off your Tallis, fold it, and leave. You failed everybody.
Learn Hebrew or have a guy head nodding you when to open and close the ark.
Hope you don't get Aleiynu. The Gabai tells you "Aleiynu," you're opening and closing the thing multiple times. It's too complicated. Turn in the Tallis if you get Aleiynu. I closed off a friendship after last Yom Kippur, having to coach and "Nu" the guy when to open and close the Aron. I ended up with a crick in my neck till after Sukkot.
Don't worry, you won't get Neilah. They only give that to important people.

Know What Stuff Means
Aron is the ark. It's not an Israeli pronunciation of your friend Aaron. 
The Gabai is the one in the shul who has an official position and no degree of which to speak. The one telling everybody what to do, who was not hired.
Machzor is the thing in your hand. It's a Siddur for the High Holidays. It's called a Machzor because somebody decided to call it that.
Kol Nidrei, Maariv, Shacharit, Musaf, Neilah. These are the prayer services, known as Tefillah, Davening, and stuff that takes a lot longer on the High Holidays. There is Mincha. There is no chance you will be there for that, so don't worry.
Then you have Layning. That's Torah reading. They may ask you to come up to make the blessing. Known as the Bracha, pray they have transliteration up there.
Maybe take a class on being a Jew. Maybe suffer through some sermons during the year. Better yet, sit next to somebody who has anger issues, so you don't mess up anything. 
An Apikores is a heretic. Thought you should know that one.
"Nu" means yes, no, I'm happy, I'm extremely mad, do what you want, we might as well do it, I like the babka, and open the ark already you heretic.

Study the Curtain Pullers Before You
Somebody will make a mistake. They make it impossible to open Aron easily. They want you to feel like an idiot.
Make sure you're pulling the correct string. You pull the wrong side of that rope too fast, you look like an idiot, and people will breathe. You don't want people breathing. Any exhaling in shul means you let them down and Gd.
Start with a soft pull. You get that pull right, start tugging.
And be sure you're strong enough. If they haven't pulled the outside curtain yet, you're pulling a theater drape. They have that rope pulling stuff at Planet Fitness. Train for Yom Kippur there.
Please note, "Curtain Pullers" is not a slur.

Know What to Do
After you pull the correct string, you may have to open the wood part. The goal is to get to the Torah. It's not to get to a closet. People aren't showing up to shul to be awestruck by the carpentry. I must admit, some of these arks are nicer than what the guy did with the renovations in my bedroom.  
If the wood part is already open, you're good to go. You can thank the Gabai for doing something right.
I can't tell you how many times we've been waiting for the ark to get open. The Curtain Puller opens the curtain and stands there like he achieved a momentous goal. Nothing is happening other than fifteen "Nu"s from the congregation. Finally, somebody yells out, "Open the ark." And then somebody breathes. The idiot finally realizes it's not open. Then, he opens the ark and yells, "I opened it," during the part of Davening the Machzor says to not talk.
Lesson is to never trust a Gabai.

In Israel They Lock Up the Torahs
Be ready if you're in Israel. They lock all of the arks, and they give you the honor of opening the ark. If you're not a locksmith, you look like an idiot. If you're a felon, that can also help with breaking into the Aron.
If you're the Gabbai, remember to bring the key. If you take the role of Gabai on, make sure to talk to everybody in shul, and then to shush the people you are not talking to. Otherwise, they will realize you are not Frum, and you have no idea when to open the ark. And remember to bring the key. I feel bad breathing and Nuing at people who don't know how to break in and steal our Torah.
You wonder why there are so many Torahs in Israel. All the religious people breaking into the Arons every Shabbat to read the Torah. The shul boards saw this, and they decided, we have to stop these people. So, they locked the arks.

The Aron Walkaway
This is the climax of the Aron opening production. It's your time to shine.
Shake the rabbi's hand. Shut the curtain first, you idiot. You shut the curtain and then shake the rabbi's hand and whomever else is on the Bima. It's tradition to walk over to the rabbi, and interrupt his Davening.
On your way to your seat, hit each row, with handshakes. Give a wave to the back of the shul. You're the star. Let it be known. If you don't do that, the Chazin will get all the credit.
You walk away right, all else is forgiven. People will be talking. "That guy who couldn't figure out how to open a curtain. That's class. That’s a classy Apikores." 

This information should help you look like a knowledgeable heretic. And remember, people breathing in shul is a bad thing.
Maybe next year, if you work out, they'll trust you with Hagba. It's more manual labor they make people do during the High Holidays.