How to Give a Musar Shmooz- Picking the Topic: A Beginners Guide

by Rabbi David

A Shmooz is a Drasha in a class setting. Basically, the modern Shmooz is a sermon where people have to be there. It's a sermon that doesn't have to go anywhere. A sermon where you don't hear congregants complaining afterwards. Which means the rabbi can say whatever he wants.
And we're not talking about a traveling Maggid. We're not living in the 1800s. No community is going to pay somebody to come for a weekend to tell them to keep the laws of Shabbat. There's a reason they fired their last rabbi.

Let us focus on the Yeshiva Shmooz, as Talmidim in Yeshiva are the only people who want to be told they're not decent people. And if they don't want that, they have no choice. They'll get kicked out.
​The Shmooz in Yeshivas is affectionately known as a Musar Shmooz. So, you want to give Musar. Musar is where you tell people how wrong they are. Also known as rebuke, never focus on yourself. You want to focus on how others are messing up. That makes the Shmooz more enjoyable.
The topic is what’s important. You want to choose a topic that focuses on how much they've sinned. You come to your Shmooz, you say “Teshuva." People hear repentance. Message is received. You can leave. Point is made. They have to repent. And that’s when you talk for an hour or so.
During the hour you will hopefully hit on something that has to do with Teshuva. Not important. The point is you need a good topic for your Torah lesson about how they're not following Torah.

Shmooz Topics
Lashon Hara is always good. Everybody is speaking Lashon Hara about other people, which makes it a great topic. You give the Musar, they continue to talk Lashon Hara, you have a message for the following week too.
Health. That's a good topic. Tell them they have to eat healthy as their body is given to them by H', and they look disgusting, and they will never get a date, and their parents hate them. And that is why the cook at the Yeshiva uses chicken fat. Do whatever you can to justify what the Talmedim, the students at the Yeshiva, are eating. The not clean kitchen and daily lack of food that comes from earth at the Yeshiva makes this a hard lesson to give over to the Yeshiva Bachurs (another word for Talmedim or firstborn children that have done nothing helpful with their life). Even so, with the cook feeding them chicken fat as a meal, you will always have a message. The Yeshiva staff should work in tandem. 
Treating others with respect. You can leave that out. Nobody will listen to that lesson. Only an Apikores, a heretic, would think something so foolish. To give over the lesson of respect correctly, be sure to bring up the fact that other Jews are not as Frum as you, and thus have no place in Shamaim. Once the Yeshiva Bachurs understand that you also know that the other Jews suck and have no place in Heaven, they will respect you.
Respect your elders if they give you money. This is a very important lesson.
The importance of honest work, and how making a lot of money can lead to great Mitzvahs, such at Tzedakah. Excellent topic, allowing you to focus on how nobody gives charity, except for the donor, whose name is on the wall. As I remember learning from my rebbe, "You will never have a place in Shamaim if your name is not on a plaque." And that is how they got me to donate a plaque.
You can talk about business practice. If they made money, tell them they're Ganavim. A bunch of thieves. Keep the Yeshiva Bachurs on their toes. Contradiction is fine. As long as people feel like they are sinners, you've done it right.
Importance of sleep. You give this one over when the students are staying up late and keeping you up at night. If the neighbors complain and you get called in to quiet everybody down, this is the Shmooz you give that week. What it has to do with Torah, no idea. 
The exercise Shmooz should be given after every holiday. You must make sure to let the Talmedim know the requirement to eat meat, fish, bread, cake, Kishka and chicken fat for eight days straight. They come back from the holiday, you let them know they're sinners for not working out. Again, keep them guessing. Then you tell them it's forbidden to exercise due to Gashmiyus. Throw in a Yiddish word you're still trying to understand, that brings the Shmooz to the next level of European feelings of guilt.
Bitul Torah. Never wasting time from learning Torah is always a good topic. There is always more Torah one can learn. Nine hours of learning a day? Not enough. Ten. If they're doing ten, what are they doing the rest of the time? Sleeping? Wasting time getting sleep? Let's say you have the Chutzpadik guy at the Shmooz that's learning twenty hours a day, you can still get him. Come at him with a, "You must be eating. You're being Mivatel Torah." By the end of your Shmooz, the students listening to your message should be skipping sleep and dinner, and feeling really bad about themselves. And they should have also received the message that work is forbidden.
And then give a Musar Shmooz on the importance of work. Your Shmoozes should keep them guessing. Tell them to work, and to eat as they need to be healthy. Then, the following week come back to the importance of never wasting time for learning Torah. And then tell them they're going to Gehenim if they don't do what you told them. You cycle through that, you have Shmooz content for years.
Israel. You can focus on Israel and how we have to live there, and then not live there.
Supporting our people in Israel. That's a good topic. How to support is not the focus of the Shmooz. You give the Musar, you don't give the solution. A great ender is "support Israel." Everybody says "yes," and then they ask why, and then you call them heretics. And then you've done your job.
Teshuva. Always throw in Teshuva to remind them that whatever they've done right, they've still sinned. That's how you keep the Talmedim.

The topic is the key. You say the topic, they're drawn in. They know they have to do Teshuva for Lashon Hara. And they will have to do that next week too. Another Musar Shmooz. Now you have a job.
Same techniques can be used for a Drasha. A good sermon also focuses on what people do wrong. It keeps congregants in place. As long as they fire you, you can collect unemployment checks. It's always important to have a multi-year contract before giving a Musar Shmooz to your congregants.

Never say your students are doing something right. That's a surefire way to ruin a good Shmooz. You see one eating salad with tuna. Call them out for being Mivatel Torah and Gashmiyus. 
Next time we'll deal with the story part of the Shmooz and different ways of ending the lesson of how much they've sinned.