How to Calm Down a Terrorist

by David Kilimnick

Many people are scared about the release of the terrorists, asking me, "David. What do we do?" You live.
Before getting into this article, May all of the hostages come home safely. Our prayers continue to go out to them and their families. The nightmare they have gone through is unforgivable. And to know these bloodthirsty terrorists have been put back out there is bothersome.
The question still stands. "What do we do?" I can tell you, do not be scared. Israelis have dealt with terror forever. And Americans have had to deal with college students.
With so many terrorists out there, we have to discuss what to do when confronted with a terrorist. First, say "Shalom." Greet them.
This is going to be dark, but here is some advice for how to calm them down.

Show Them Support
As we all know, killing terrorists is wrong. You want to empathize with them. Talk it out. See their perspective.
Support groups are good. Anything where they are thinking killing themselves is not the right thing today. One day at a time. Start a terror support group if that helps. Get them talking about how their parents never believed in them enough. How their parents didn't think they had the ability to blow themselves up. Sometimes, what parents say can hurt. Get them to open up about the day they lived. Terrorists need a safe space to let out their emotions. Their hurt.
Empathize. Maybe give them some warm clothes. A decent coat. Some hot Sabich. It seems to get quite cold in Gaza. This is why they're always wearing ski masks. They never have coats. Empathize a bit. I know Hamas waits for The North Face to have a decent sale before outfitting the Gazans. Give them the coat when they need it.
If they are the suicide type, ask them why they want to take others and not just themselves.

Educate Them
Take the positive approach. Let them know they don't have to blow themselves up to be successful and to receive the adulation of others. Pull them aside for a deep conversation about how you were once down and out when your parents didn't send you enough money to go out drinking in the Shuk when you first made Aliyah. We all go through hard times.
Teach them a new trade. Maybe finance. Get them into investments. Get them involved in a trade where they'll only want to kill themselves if they find out the stock market crashed.
Give them hope. Instruments are good. Teach them to play the ukulele. Ukuleles don't kill people. There is no reason to blow yourself up when you can play beautiful songs like “Over the Rainbow.” And there is no reason to blow up a ukulele, unless if you find yourself at an open mic, or trying to enjoy a series.
Acting is an excellent profession. They're excellent at acting. They've mastered the playing dead. Some of them have already died four or five times. And they pull it, each time.

Redirect Their Anger
Sports is good for this. Redirect their anger to soccer. Soccer fans yell a lot too. They can find hatred for other people that aren't Jewish, known as fans of the other team.
They can feel the same comradery as they do with their fellow terrorists, as they root for their team by jumping up and down and attacking the other fans.
If all else fails, let them know there are other Jews. [That might have been too dark. I apologize for that. Too soon. Three-thousand years is too soon. It's just crazy knowing there are so many terrorists and anti-Semites out there. Even if it's not funny, you will always be able to say this piece is gutsy.]

Lock Your Doors
Terrorists like blowing stuff up. They're not good at picking locks. If your door is locked, it'll take them a while to figure out how to get in.
They may knock. Don’t answer. If you answer, they’ll make their way into the house. This is also why I don’t answer the door when my in-laws visit. [There is always room for a mother-in-law joke. Especially when you're not married and talking about terrorism.]

Sing with Them
Singing brings people together. “Am Yisrael Chai” is a beautiful song.
“Over the Rainbow” would be good times too. Pull out the guitar, the bongo and the ukulele. Stay away from the bonfire. Just sing in a circle. Keep it a circle.
You can always sing the Jihad ABCs with the male Miss Lyle. That will bring back childhood memories about how the Jews are the devil and they should be killed. Childhood memories always warm the heart.

Educate Them on Israel
Their education is off. They think Israel doesn’t exist. And yet their charter says to kill everybody in Israel. [Some jokes don’t land. Maybe this isn't the right topic to try to be funny about.]
Teach them about Israel. Take them on one of those educational seminars where they tell you about water levels. Then, they'll only want to kill the presenter.
Show them how expensive apartments are in Jerusalem and they might change that “Free Palestine” tone to just getting a better deal on housing. Saving some money would be good enough. [Working the Free Palestine pun. Giving it a different angle for you. People are always looking for new angles on the Free Palestine pun.]

Less Rage
Their full of rage. Terrorists are very rageful. They love rage. Days of rage. Mobs of rage. Rage against the machine. If you can just calm them down. If you can just derage them, you'll be OK.
Give them credit for creating falafel and chumus. That will calm them down. That's why they're so outraged all the time, yelling, trying to kill Jews. That's why Arafat created this whole hoax. He just wanted credit for Chumus Abu Ammar.
People take their chumus seriously.

Teach Them About Other Places
Maybe if they saw other places, like Europe, they might want to move there and blow stuff up.

Other Ways to Protect Yourself
When you’re online in the supermarket let them cut. They will get violent.
Look both ways when crossing the street. Look both ways when on a sidewalk. Just look both ways. Always look both ways. And pray.
Pray for the Israeli Army. Pray for the hostages. Pray for their families. Pray for the Jewish people. Pray to Gd that the government doesn't do more dumb stuff. Pray for peace. Pray to Gd that we rid the world of terrorists.

Jews of the Diaspora, be strong. Know you can take out the terrorists. You've already dealt with college students.
[What kind of idiot uses terror to make jokes!]