How Do You Win Against the IRGC

by David Kilimnick

You can't beat the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps regime (IRGC) of Iran. No matter what, you can't win. No Middle Eastern country has ever lost. Never lost a battle. Never lost a war. I don't even think they've lost in the Olympics. Ask them. They've never lost.
Egypt won in 1967. Ask them. “We didn’t want the airplanes. The Sinai was not something we wanted. It's like a desert. And the Suez Canal?! Who needs that... You think we were surprised?! We had our planes so that Israel could blow them up. To save fuel... We attacked them to lose. That's how we won.” You can't beat that. They will always win.
Turkey's president, Erdogan, still thinks he's running the Ottoman Empire.
Let's spend time focusing on what the IRGC has said on the news the past couple weeks. Why? It's fun.

Did you hear Abbas Araghchi, Iran’s foreign affairs minister for the IRGC, saying they're winning. “Navy ships going down. We wanted that. Our plan was to lose our ships. That’s how we like to fight wars... We’re winning the war. It’s good the Ayatollah is dead. We wanted that.” And he was smooth about it. Like their leaders getting bombed was their strategy. "The IRGC leaders thought them getting hit and dying was best for their strategic plan to keep the IRGC in power."
They always want the people to die. That's their tactic. For their people to die and to lose their arsenal. You can't beat that. “That other guy that served for a day. That Ayatollah? We wanted him dead. We told Israel to take him out.”

America thinks they're winning, but no. Araghchi has already won. “And we are going to attack now... With what? Calamitous action." No idea what "calamitous" means here, but it sounds scary. And they will talk like they're winning with that scary Biblical language. "We will now break them like a bolt of iron. We will attack with a force of Ninveh. As has never been seen... We don’t have planes or ships. That is correct. We will use those... Now, it shall to rain down. Sulfur from thunderous skies." They can beat you with nothing.
No munitions and they can still win. It starts to drizzle, you feel a drop of rain, and he's claiming the Ayatollah planned that attack. There is no winning.

You can’t beat these guys. Have you ever heard of an Iranian losing a judo match? No. They can’t lose.
If they’re losing the war, they’ll beat you at gaming. You see the footage of you losing the battle you won. They have gamers streaming Grand Theft Auto, blowing up US aircraft carriers with rocket launchers. And they will share that. Animated wins are wins. The IRGC counts those.

You can’t make them look bad. Their ambassador on BBC is going off on how the IRGC is kind. BBC is asking, “But you killed your people. You slaughtered the children.” He’s got the answers. “That was because of the US and Israel.” “But they didn’t start the war yet.” "We knew they would. You see we are democratic.” “But you disconnected the internet.” “We communicate by phone in Iran... We all agree. A hundred percent. We share the same opinion.” “But there are protests. Protests against you.” “But they still agree.”
The IRGC ambassador goes on, "We’re a democracy. Do you see any protests now?" “No. Because you killed them.” “But we let them protest.”
This guy is selling one opinion. One opinion for everybody in the country. What the opinion is about, we don’t know. But they all agree. He'll tell you, “We all like Tahdig.”  
The BBC anchor continues, “What about the women?” “They’re treated very well. They can express their opinions.” “But you killed them.” “Because their life in Iran wasn't good. Under the regime. Very bad. An act of kindness. Would you want to live like that. Under a regime like ours.”
How he turned that last one. Brilliance. I can't say that all of what I am documenting is verbatim.

They can change any story. They're even saying it’s wrong to target civilians. How that happened? How? The IRGC targets civilians, killing thousands of children on a regular day in winter, and then makes an uproar about killing civilians. And the BBC, CNN and New York Times are in agreement. It’s perplexing.  Perplexing and brilliant.
Shooting at Kuwait and the UAE, the IRGC explains, "There was an American military base at the hospital... Well, we thought there was. That's where we put our bases. Hospitals, schools, airports." "Is that right?" "When we do it." The CNN clearly understands the logic.
CNN commentators are explaining, "We want to make it clear. Targeting civilians is wrong, when it's not the IRGC or Hamas, or Hezbollah. As are US strikes at an IRGC military installment. Committing another war crime." And that somehow sells. You cannot beat these guys. The US will get blamed for not targeting civilians.
Press the IRGC about civilian killing being wrong, you hear, “We aimed at US military bases.” “But the target was a thousand kilometers off.” “We have bad aim.” You can’t win. They make targeting and massacring civilians sound good. You can’t beat these guys. 

If you don't lose to Iran, you will lose to CNN and BBC. They will make you look bad. "And Donald Trump saves millions of lives. Iranians are free. They can now choose their future. Americans will never be held hostage again. There is peace in the Middle East." "How dare he!!!"
And if their regime goes down. “We were always pro democracy. We only killed the protesters for democratic purposes.” And that will make sense to the BBC anchor.

War will be over. The eighth Ayatollah will be in his flat in Britain, watching a series on Netflix, taking interviews with BBC, smoking a hookah. "We won." "But you're on your couch. Can't even go to Iran to visit." "I wanted out of Iran. That was the plan. Have you seen what the IRGC did to that country?!"

So why are we in this war? To win.

Postscript
This one just happened on CBS. A little extra treat of Iran winning. Araghchi is on Face the Nation, keeping a straight face. "America is committing war crimes." Just brilliant.
Margaret Brennan goes on, "Why are you sending drones into countries that are not involved and aiming at civilian targets?" Araghchi continues, "Well obviously, they know Americans. Ever met an American. They're very annoying." "You are aiming at civilian targets." "It's a fact we're only aiming at American targets. We just have very bad aim.” He keeps on stating facts now, “The Strait of Hormuz is not closed. It's a fact. People are just scared to go because they're scared of the US." "But you are the ones blowing up the ships." That comment stopped that part of the conversation.
When asked why he has internet access and the people don’t, Araghchi answered, "I have access to internet because I am the voice of the Iranian people… They have no internet access because of security." He said that all with a straight face. Deadpan. The guy is brilliant.
 
If we’ve learned anything, just repeat anything a Middle Eastern diplomat says, and you can get a laugh. Araghchi is brilliant. Great delivery. Says all of it with such a straight face.