Halacha Shvui: Jewish Laws this Month XI

by Rabbi David

A man should get married at 18, maybe 20. After 20 his bones swell up (Kiddushin 29b). You have no chance after you put on weight. Girls aren’t attracted to the big guy with a personality, walking around with swelled up bones… They used to call it “fat boned” two thousand years ago. That was before they learned about visceral fat. They would say, “Their bones got bigger.” It was a nice way of saying they’re over twenty years old.
 
To fulfill the Mitzvah of Mishloach Manot, one must give two food or drink items to one person, that you received from somebody else and don't want... or hundreds of Halloween leftovers and bottles of thimble sized Johnnie Walker. Or poppy seed Hamentashen, because they're disgusting and you also don't like them.
 
We learn in the Megillah that you must give Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts to poor people, on Purim. Tradition is to give this money through an organization, so the poor people don’t find out it was you. They find out it was you, they start asking you for stuff.
Let Od Yosef Chai deal with the poor people. Give your money to Od Yosef Chai. Never let poor people know you give charity. Always let them think you're stingy. Otherwise, you will make friends. And friends need money. Better idea. Give the money to Od Yosef Chai the organization through a friend. Organizations will find you before the poor people. And they have calendars. Just trying to help. The point is to never let anybody know you have money.]

One shouldn’t just mumble words without thought or meaning behind them. Makes no sense. What is one to do for Tefillah?! And yet, we’re required to pray every day.
Confusing… I can tell you that I pray three times a day and I space out every time, like a good Jew. But I say the words correctly. Fast, indistinctly and real quiet.

Note from editor: Rabbi David felt it was important to stay away from sources this month. When asked what his sources were, he said "Chazal." Which means he has no idea.