Don't Describe People in Yiddish: Letters of a Single Man

by David Kilimnick

Dear Dave,
Another bad Shidduch idea. And I knew it was going to be bad once the matchmaker started describing her.
These matchmakers truly don't know how to sell girls. Maybe this world is better off with people not selling girls. I'm not being literal. Figurative. I'm talking setting people up and marketing. They can never just say somebody is good looking. They go into this whole description, which translates to "she looks pretty bad."
All guys want to know before a date is that she's hot. Nobody cares if her dad's a good guy. Nobody is thinking about how nice Pesach is going to be with the in-laws. Everybody knows that won't be good. Guys just want to know if they're going to be showing up with somebody that's hot.
Dave. You know me. I'm not shallow. Though, it doesn't hurt to just hear "she's hot." And don't say that in Yiddish.

Don't tell me somebody looks decent. Frum Jew wants to hear "really hot." "They're a very religious, Gd fearing, hot Jew." No matter how spiritually connected they are, they want to hear "extremely hot." Nothing else. Not gorgeous, not exquisite, not Eidel.
And this is why the good Shadchanim, matchmakers, lie. I've got to be honest, Dave. I respect that. At this point, if you're setting people up, you might as well call everybody hot. Some people don't have the greatest vision. Not everybody can see that well.

Not even a picture. The Shadchan didn't even send me a picture. Just a really bad sales pitch. Descriptions. She started describing the girl.
First the matchmaker was trying to make her sound nice. That wasn't fair to the girl, calling her delightful. They said, "She's delightful," which means she's well past her forties. And then they said, "She looks good for her age," which means she's at least eighty. You might as well say, "She's with it." Which means she just got a hip replacement.
The Shadchan even said, "She has a great personality," which perfectly described hideous. And then the Matchmaker ended with a "she comes from a good family." At that point, I said, "Enough. It's wrong to speak Lashon Hara about a woman. I don't know what you have against her, but trying to make people look bad is wrong."
The Shadchan ended by noting the girl is attractive. For some reason, even hearing "attractive" is a turn off. "Hot." People just want to hear "hot."

Why I'm using words like "hot" to describe women at my age, I can't tell you Dave. I just work with what I have.

And then the Shadchan started throwing in Yiddish to describe her. Yiddish is an attraction killer. That is what I learned from that phone call. And this is why I'm not dating that girl.

Never use Yiddish to describe how somebody looks. You can say she's the most beautiful girl in Yiddish, and all I will hear is "she's hideous." 
Eidel. That sounds bad. How heavy is Eidel?
Sheyne Punim. Got to be at least two-hundred pounds overweight.
Tatzkeleh. Is she a trinket?
They said, "She's got Zitskeit." That just sounded bad to me. I don't want to be anywhere near Ziskeit, whatever it does to you.
And then when they say "a Gute Nishama." Just really not good looking. Now they're focusing on her soul. In Yiddish. 
Girls have to watch out for Yiddish too. "He's a Mensch." Girls. Stay away from the guy. He's broke.
Even if you have hot in there, if you throw in anything Yiddish sounding, you've killed the hotness. "Hot" in Yiddish sounds bad. I heard them describe one of the girls as a "Hot Channie." Which truly translates as not good looking, without a Sheitel. Or somebody that looks good with a extra eyeshadow. 
Even heavy sounds heavier in Yiddish. Zahftig. I would rather be called obese. That sounds less overweight.

Use any language and I'm questioning what you're saying. I hear "Belissimma," I'm asking why did they sneak Italian into that description.
If the native lexicon is not enough to say "hot," there's a problem.

And same goes for any situation you're in. If I'm looking to hire somebody, don't tell me, "He's a Chachum." Now I'm thinking, I'm hiring an ugly guy. Even worse, "He's a Gaon." Now I'm thinking, then why is the guy not a Rosh Yeshiva.
"He has a Yiddisha Kup." Now I'm turning into an anti-Semite, thinking he's going to steal from me.
And don't describe me like any of this to a girl. She'll be thinking, there is no way this brilliant guy is single, unless if he's Zahftig and Eidel.

Yiddish should never be used in romance. I said "Gazunta" and she lost attraction. It was an excellent corned beef sandwich.
"That was a Gazunta meal." She broke off the relationship.

Just don't describe. Anything other than he's a good guy, it sounds like you're hiding something. If you ever describe me for anything, just say, "David is hot." And say it in English. You might end up helping me land a decent job. There's a reason I have you down as one of my references.
And if you have anybody set me up who doesn't speak English, please have them stick to their native tongue.

That's my message, Dave. For the sake of Heaven, just say they're hot.
Turns out the girl is extremely attractive. And she comes from a good family.

LSimchas,
​David