David Kilimnick's Israel Joke Files

by David Kilimnick

That's how it looks the first few days after you make Aliyah. Then you realize you're an immigrant.

Here are some of my one-liners from the classic "Aliyah Monologues" show.

Aliyah - Moving to Israel
Aliyah isn't for Americans. Aliyah is for people from third world countries and France.
I made Aliyah. I figured, I can move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I can move to South Florida and live with Israelis.
Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. (At least the Zionist ones.)
I was in Rochester and Kodak was closing. I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. (I know my history.)

Living in Israel
I went to Ulpan six months. I learned Hufal. (Exactly. I've never heard an Israeli use the verb conjugation Hufal. If you were Israeli, you would be on the floor, laughing right now. Hufaltem.)
I finally learned what Nahag means. I used to think Nahag was something you're supposed to scream when a door closes on you. (It's the guy who closes it on you. You have to know Hebrew to understand these English one-liners.)
In Tel Aviv, the guy was bragging, "Tel Aviv is New York." I told him, "New York is very different. I was in New York, and I was able to find Kosher food." (I also let him know that I didn't have to tell the people in New York that underwear is not a swimsuit. Then he started showing me the skyscrapers. "Look. Five stories.")
Can't get into the post office. Everything's a holiday. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi'i. (My friend might fed me that joke. Let me explain. "They have Israeli Independence Day. Jerusalem Day. Wednesday." Wednesday is not a holiday, but they celebrate it. They also don't work on Wednesdays.)
I saw a dead dog on the side of the road. I was thinking, "It's such a shame that's not a cat."

Religion Everywhere
Jerusalem even has the Biblical zoo with all the Biblical animals like penguins.
In Jerusalem we are very religious. We have the belief that everything is in the hands of Gd. People who don't believe that, work. (They have jobs. We have belief in Gd. Emunah. Sarcasm.)
In Meah Shearim. The way they cross the street, you can see they have a lot of Emunah. (That’s faith in Gd.)

Single and Religious
Segulot, positive omens. They go to the Kotel for forty days straight. That's how they're going to meet their husband. I have a better idea. Try going to the gym for forty days straight. (And I am still single. I should've never told that joke. Some things are better kept to yourself.)
They go up north for the Segulah to meet somebody, to the Kever of Yonatan Ben Uziel. Walk around his grave seven times. The guy is dead and he's doing better than me. (When you have to explain, one-liners take longer.)
These Frum girls. When they go out with me, everytime, "I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys. Starting now." (They want it to be meaningful. Then they tell me about all the other guys they had meaningless relationships with, which were fun.)

War
I respect the soldiers. All doing the army. What they do for a free bus pass. (I just lie about my age. In some of these communities, you can pass for twelve with a beard.)
As an Oleh, an immigrant to Israel, I ran into an Israeli when I was visiting America. I asked him, "If there was a war in Israel, what would you do?" He said, "I would go right back to my homeland to be with my people." I told him, "If there was a war in Israel, I like to think I would do the same exact thing." (Sometimes you have to extend a one-liner for the meaning.)
The way our people came together after October 7th. I have never seen a whole nation come together as our people did, to complain about the cost of ELAL. (Flights are too expensive. Price gouging is the real issue.)
I pray for the day again, where I can cut off a Jew on Highway 1 and not feel bad.
Visiting Israel my friends are worried. "What about all the bombings, shootings, stabbings?" Then I left New York. (David Rubin shared this at Kiddish. I'm happy I showed up to shul that day.)

I hope you connect now to the Holy Land. Maybe you’ll move there and buy a house in Ohio, where they’re affordable.