Celebrating Summer as a Jew with No Air Conditioning

Josh Kail- America's Rebbitzman

As Jews, how do we actually practice our faith over the summer?
We sweat, we complain about how much we sweat, we hold off on installing an air conditioner in shul because in 1958, the great-grandfather of the kid who works at Best Buy said something about how his mother’s schnitzel was better than the great-great-grandmother of the current board president’s schnitzel. We then get old, move to Florida, where we sweat all year long, complain about how cold it is inside, and then we die. There is nothing religiously positive about the summer months.
The impact of not installing an air conditioner has created a butterfly effect on the Jewish experience. It’s too hot in the synagogue, so service attendance is down. We ship our kids off to Jewish overnight camp, so they can experience a lack of air conditioning in exotic and remote places like the Poconos. The only holidays we have consist of broken walls and cannibalism. It’s the only time of year when conversion is tempting. If I were to become a Whirling Dervish, at least all that spinning would keep the July heat at bay.
 
This isn’t a challenge only facing Judaism. Christianity has nothing over the summer heat as well. However, they came up with the brilliant strategy to start celebrating Christmas in July. When you have one holiday that lasts months, the need for new content is significantly lower. You can dream of a White Christmas at the beach if you click on the right Spotify channel. You have hope of gifts. You don’t feel the need to convert.
The Torah confirms it! The summer is when we read Devarim, and it reads like a latter-season episode of Friends. Nothing new happening. Just clips of flashbacks of Joey being confused about something. It’s Moses saying, “Remember when we walked through the desert? That was cool.” And “Don’t forget about that time that you complained about making bricks out of mud and straw, that sucked.” These are the episodes you can skip when binge-watching and know you didn’t miss anything. Devarim is Moses saying, “Take the summer off, you’ll be fine come September. I won’t be here, but here are the Cliff’s Notes if you need a refresher.”
 
So, what can we do to inject some Jewish excitement, Jewish pride into these dormant summer months? The easy answer would be to buy a central air system for the sanctuary, but if we wait for board approval, it may take another 2000 years.
It’s time to do something to revolutionize our religion. Something to keep our Jewish people wanting to be Jewish, when nobody is willing to pay for air conditioning. Traditions that bring us some Nachis.
 
Here is what I propose:
 
New Prayer for Those Driving to the Shore - Tefilat Haderech for the NJ Turnpike.
May it be Your will, Lord our Gd and Gd of our fathers, that You should lead us in peace and direct our cruise control in peace, and guide us in peace, and support us in peace, and cause us to reach the shore without having an aortic event because the Toyota in front of us has maintained a speed of ten miles below the speed limit, despite being in the left lane. Save us from every EZ-Pass malfunction and flat tire along the way, and from all kinds of road rage, and whatever that smell is when you enter the state of New Jersey. May You send blessing upon our gas tanks and grant me grace, kindness, and mercy in Your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us floor it to change lanes at the last minute to make the exit ramp, because we lost track of where we were while zoning out the complaints of our teenage children. And may You hear the sound of our supplication, for You are Gd who hears prayer and supplication. Blessed are You, Lord, who hears prayer. And may our AC work. Amen.
 
New Summer Holiday
Now, we already have a holiday dedicated to the Sun called Birkat Hachamah, but that only happens every 28 years. I don’t know about you, but I see the sun practically every day, so maybe we should have Hachamah Hakatan that happens every month of Tamuz. You ask how we celebrate such a holiday.
Between Lag B’Omer and Hachamah Katan, it is forbidden for men to shave their backs. There is no better way for a family to get ready for the pool or the beach than shearing off Dad’s back fur.
We celebrate this holiday starting at night, so nobody has to see Dad in the pool. That will turn people off from Judaism.
Rather than dipping into a pool, on Hachamah Hakatan, you soak in a reservoir of naturally running water. Makes it more Jewish.
The Halacha has been amended by many mothers who decreed that all traditions of Hachama Hakatan must be practiced around a vat of SPF 50 suntan lotion. 
 
New Food
Latkas, matzoh brie, hamantaschen, none of these scream summer fun in the Poconos. We need foods that capture the season and the seasoning of Judaism.
Thus, Hachama Hakatan will have its own summer holiday menu. As the saying goes: They tried to kill us, we won, let's go to camp in the Poconos.
Foods are: Sour pickled hot dogs. Frozen borscht popsicles. A tall glass of Etrogade. And brisket.
 
It is already 5786, but we are still treating the Summer the same way we did back in 0086. Judaism is a vibrant, living religion. We need to treat it as such, even when it’s 102 degrees outside and 153 under the beating light of the Ner Tamid. So please join me in making this summer one Jews cand take pride in. Something to keep our young Jews in the fold.