Back in the day, the Maggid, the storyteller rabbi who found a way of serving the community without having to teach Torah, was the one giving the Shmoozes. Many times, the Maggid would travel from town to town. Which meant they would walk fifteen minutes to the town next door. That was travel back in the day, before we had cars. The Maggid would hold their attention then move into a story and a lesson. And they were able to do all of that without mentioning the Holocaust.
Now, you have to do the job of the Maggid. So, let us learn how to end your Shmooz correctly.

The Story Part
You’ve held the attention of the Talmedim. Now work in a story. If you're going for the talking method, tell a story. Always tell a story. The masters of the staring method can tell a story just by looking at their students. However, we're beginners. We can't telepathize a detailed parable.
Wagons are good. When you tell a story, tell it with a wagon and a rabbi. Every story should have a rabbi being pulled by horses. Wagons evoke thoughts of a time in early years. Most stories with wagons happened between the years 1682 and the early 1930s. Basically after the Prohibition, people were using cars. Turns out Prohibition prohibited alcohol and cars. I just realized that. Thought I would add a side note of education.
In the 1930s people started using cars, and stories of rabbis are much less meaningful. Nothing spiritual ever happened in a car. A car never took a Maggid from town to town. “And the rabbi drove his Toyota Carolla from town to town, to spread H’s message.” Nothing spiritual. He’s probably spreading stock tips.
And use "town" when telling your story. "The rabbi decided to take a wagon that day, instead of walking the fifteen. The rabbi got stuck and almost missed his chance to share the lesson with the people in that town. What were the people of Minsk to do." You see how meaningful that story is? A wagon and a rabbi. And then I added in "Minsk" for extra meaning. That story right there says everything. Town, Minsk, wagon. That's the message. And to make it more powerful, I added a question with no question mark. That’s an advanced Maggid skill. First focus on wagons in Minsk.
If you lose them in the middle of the story, you might want to employ the Holocaust attention holding technique. "The lesson with the people in that town. Holocaust. And the people of Minsk..." You have their attention again, and you can go on with your inspirational parable about the wagon. I don't suggest the Holocaust technique. I personally just yell at them. 

The Lesson
The lesson is very important. This is the end of the Shmooz. Though, people will not trust that it's the end till you finish. That's how you know it's a good Shmooz. If people think it will never end.
This is where you repeat the topic again. After you've repeated it the previous hour. And held their attention by repeating it more, telling a story and repeating it. People have short memory abilities nowadays. After the Shmooz, they're going to forget what you spoke about. So, save this Shmooz, as you will have to repeat it next week. 
You want to repeat the topic correctly. You want the people to know that there is hope. The story of the horse drawn wagon that got stuck on its way to the town of Minsk was brought to let people know they can do Teshuva. They can repent, like the rabbi whose wagon was saved "because he cried to H'."
You see how I added crying to H'. That is what you do at the lesson part of the Shmooz. You take the lesson to a different dimension of Gd and wagons.
How do you connect Teshuva to the story of the wagon? I have no idea. As a Maggid giving the Shmooz, it's your job to be creative.
The connection of Teshuva, H' and the wagon is not important. What's important is that the students listening feel bad about themselves.

"Perseverance" is always a good message. You can end with that. "If you put yourself in very bad situations by not using a car and using a horse for transportation, you can make it." That's the meaningful message of Teshuva.
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And no matter the lesson, end with Mashiach. They should feel guilty and thinking about Mashiach.
Say something like "speedily in these days." Great ender. Say it in Hebrew, people are cheering. Brilliant. Ended on a high. You gave an amazing Shmooz about not speaking Lashon Hara when traveling to a town in a wagon. End that with, "Lashon Hara speedily in our days," it's gold. The message is received.
You throw in a "speedily in our days" with a "support Israel in wagons," you can tour with that Shmooz. You're the Maggid.
And people feel like redemption is on its way, and they did not help with it. That is how you end your Shmooz.

Next time, we will speak of how to ask for an appeal correctly, and techniques for flipping the numbers on the cards. 

Last time we spoke of the Shmooz topics. A topic is enough. You tell them they're sinners, they hear that, they got the message. You can end on the topics. Nonetheless, they expect you to talk.
​Now we will discuss how to draw them into the sermon part of the Shmooz, where you delve into the Musar and keep their attention for forty-five minutes to two and a half hours, depending on how much you don't want to learn Gemara at afternoon Seder learning time.
You have the topic. Now you must hold their attention, tell a story, and make sure they understand the topic, the lesson. Here are some attention holding methods I've learned from rabbis over the years.

They already know that they speak Lashon Hara, and they haven't paid their dues. Now, you continue that message for an hour or so.

One way to hold their attention is to repeat the topic many times, in different ways. You tell the students, "You're not learning Torah enough. You skipped class. You missed Gemara Seder on Shabbis. You had a chance to learn over your break. You didn't learn then. You sneezed, which was a chance to learn Torah. But instead, you decided to sneeze. You even got up and got a tissue. More time wasted..." You get creative and before you know it, you've given a whole Shmooz on the topic of not being Mivatel Torah, not wasting time from learning Torah. And the whole time, they've learned no Torah.
The students walk away with nothing, knowing they need to learn. And over that period of your Shmooz, they've learned nothing.

A blank stare works very well for adding guilt. You stare at them for a good hour or so, they'll start to feel like they've done something wrong.
Mastering the stare technique of holding their attention without talking for the duration of your Shmooz isn't easy. However, once you get this down, you come in, you say "Tzedakah," you then look at them for an hour and a half. They'll get the message. An hour fifteen into the Shmooz, they'll be crying, admitting everything they've ever done wrong, due to the discomfort of being stared at. 

The Holocaust. That will get them to listen. A rabbi was giving a Shmooz about the importance of marriage. He lost everybody. Next thing you know, he said, "In the Holocaust..." Nothing to do with marriage or single people. But we were now listening. A brilliant attention grabber. 
If you're ever wondering if you lost their attention, say "The Holocaust" and you will get them right back. That wakes them up. Employ the greatest of tragedies and human suffering, and they will be ready to now focus on the importance of learning Torah and dating. 
It truly gets people's attention. You're giving over the message of charity and kindness. Next thing you know, you've lost everybody. Then you say "Holocaust." Everybody is ready to listen again. Now you can continue with your story about your child's Siddur party.
Only employ the Holocaust when people start to sleep. People hear Holocaust, they wake up. Though, I don't suggest you set your phone alarm to "Holocaust." That's not an easy way to wake up. 

You can bring in Torah. But nobody cares about that. You can mention a commentary like the Ramban. It's good stuff. But it doesn't add to your message. It's better to just say, "Rabbis say that you're a sinner."
Don't get me wrong. Sources are important. You have to let them know you know Torah. Thus, you hand out a source sheet. But it's a Shmooz. So, don't talk Torah. Nobody wants to hear Torah at the Shmooz. Hand out the source and tell them they're not learning it. And it's because they're sinners.

Get loud. A good yell. That gets their attention. That wakes them. Go right up to their face and scream "Torah!!!" They will remember that the next time they're learning Gemara and horrified.
I must say that nothing works better than saying "Holocaust." I personally am against using it, unless if you're talking about the Holocaust. Even so, sometimes you have something you want to share about your upcoming summer learning program, and the Holocaust helps bring home the message Torah and sports.

Choosing the correct method for you is not easy. You have to know your strengths. Myself, personally, my greatest strength is being late. Builds expectation.

Now that you've held their attention by exploiting the Holocaust, next time, we will discuss the telling of the story and how to finish off your Shmooz with a lesson. Ensuring that all the Talmedim feel shame.

A Shmooz is a Drasha in a class setting. Basically, the modern Shmooz is a sermon where people have to be there. It's a sermon that doesn't have to go anywhere. A sermon where you don't hear congregants complaining afterwards. Which means the rabbi can say whatever he wants.
And we're not talking about a traveling Maggid. We're not living in the 1800s. No community is going to pay somebody to come for a weekend to tell them to keep the laws of Shabbat. There's a reason they fired their last rabbi.

Let us focus on the Yeshiva Shmooz, as Talmidim in Yeshiva are the only people who want to be told they're not decent people. And if they don't want that, they have no choice. They'll get kicked out.
​The Shmooz in Yeshivas is affectionately known as a Musar Shmooz. So, you want to give Musar. Musar is where you tell people how wrong they are. Also known as rebuke, never focus on yourself. You want to focus on how others are messing up. That makes the Shmooz more enjoyable.
The topic is what’s important. You want to choose a topic that focuses on how much they've sinned. You come to your Shmooz, you say “Teshuva." People hear repentance. Message is received. You can leave. Point is made. They have to repent. And that’s when you talk for an hour or so.
During the hour you will hopefully hit on something that has to do with Teshuva. Not important. The point is you need a good topic for your Torah lesson about how they're not following Torah.

Shmooz Topics
Lashon Hara is always good. Everybody is speaking Lashon Hara about other people, which makes it a great topic. You give the Musar, they continue to talk Lashon Hara, you have a message for the following week too.
Health. That's a good topic. Tell them they have to eat healthy as their body is given to them by H', and they look disgusting, and they will never get a date, and their parents hate them. And that is why the cook at the Yeshiva uses chicken fat. Do whatever you can to justify what the Talmedim, the students at the Yeshiva, are eating. The not clean kitchen and daily lack of food that comes from earth at the Yeshiva makes this a hard lesson to give over to the Yeshiva Bachurs (another word for Talmedim or firstborn children that have done nothing helpful with their life). Even so, with the cook feeding them chicken fat as a meal, you will always have a message. The Yeshiva staff should work in tandem. 
Treating others with respect. You can leave that out. Nobody will listen to that lesson. Only an Apikores, a heretic, would think something so foolish. To give over the lesson of respect correctly, be sure to bring up the fact that other Jews are not as Frum as you, and thus have no place in Shamaim. Once the Yeshiva Bachurs understand that you also know that the other Jews suck and have no place in Heaven, they will respect you.
Respect your elders if they give you money. This is a very important lesson.
The importance of honest work, and how making a lot of money can lead to great Mitzvahs, such at Tzedakah. Excellent topic, allowing you to focus on how nobody gives charity, except for the donor, whose name is on the wall. As I remember learning from my rebbe, "You will never have a place in Shamaim if your name is not on a plaque." And that is how they got me to donate a plaque.
You can talk about business practice. If they made money, tell them they're Ganavim. A bunch of thieves. Keep the Yeshiva Bachurs on their toes. Contradiction is fine. As long as people feel like they are sinners, you've done it right.
Importance of sleep. You give this one over when the students are staying up late and keeping you up at night. If the neighbors complain and you get called in to quiet everybody down, this is the Shmooz you give that week. What it has to do with Torah, no idea. 
The exercise Shmooz should be given after every holiday. You must make sure to let the Talmedim know the requirement to eat meat, fish, bread, cake, Kishka and chicken fat for eight days straight. They come back from the holiday, you let them know they're sinners for not working out. Again, keep them guessing. Then you tell them it's forbidden to exercise due to Gashmiyus. Throw in a Yiddish word you're still trying to understand, that brings the Shmooz to the next level of European feelings of guilt.
Bitul Torah. Never wasting time from learning Torah is always a good topic. There is always more Torah one can learn. Nine hours of learning a day? Not enough. Ten. If they're doing ten, what are they doing the rest of the time? Sleeping? Wasting time getting sleep? Let's say you have the Chutzpadik guy at the Shmooz that's learning twenty hours a day, you can still get him. Come at him with a, "You must be eating. You're being Mivatel Torah." By the end of your Shmooz, the students listening to your message should be skipping sleep and dinner, and feeling really bad about themselves. And they should have also received the message that work is forbidden.
And then give a Musar Shmooz on the importance of work. Your Shmoozes should keep them guessing. Tell them to work, and to eat as they need to be healthy. Then, the following week come back to the importance of never wasting time for learning Torah. And then tell them they're going to Gehenim if they don't do what you told them. You cycle through that, you have Shmooz content for years.
Israel. You can focus on Israel and how we have to live there, and then not live there.
Supporting our people in Israel. That's a good topic. How to support is not the focus of the Shmooz. You give the Musar, you don't give the solution. A great ender is "support Israel." Everybody says "yes," and then they ask why, and then you call them heretics. And then you've done your job.
Teshuva. Always throw in Teshuva to remind them that whatever they've done right, they've still sinned. That's how you keep the Talmedim.

The topic is the key. You say the topic, they're drawn in. They know they have to do Teshuva for Lashon Hara. And they will have to do that next week too. Another Musar Shmooz. Now you have a job.
Same techniques can be used for a Drasha. A good sermon also focuses on what people do wrong. It keeps congregants in place. As long as they fire you, you can collect unemployment checks. It's always important to have a multi-year contract before giving a Musar Shmooz to your congregants.

Never say your students are doing something right. That's a surefire way to ruin a good Shmooz. You see one eating salad with tuna. Call them out for being Mivatel Torah and Gashmiyus. 
Next time we'll deal with the story part of the Shmooz and different ways of ending the lesson of how much they've sinned.

We didn’t know laws of Shechita before receiving the Torah, and the Torah was given on Shabbat, and you can’t slaughter on Shabbat, so we eat dairy on Shauvot. Some say the word Chalav, milk in Hebrew, equals forty, the days Moshe was up on Har Sinai... Any reason to eat cheesecake works. I’m fine not justifying it. As long as there is cheesecake, I will celebrate. Why do I eat cheesecake on Shavuot? Because people are making it, and it tastes amazing. I also have a tradition to use whipped cream. I don’t know what the source for that is.
Some say a two-loaf offering was brought in the Temple on Shavuot, so we eat two meals. One dairy and one meat. All good by me. That’s another meal. It's Halachikly acceptable, as long as there is cheesecake. 
 
(Berachos 16a) In order to not take away from their work, employees only recite two Berachas of Birkat Hamazon. This is why people show to work. To get out of benching.
For years I was afraid to eat bread due to the length of the post meal blessing. If I would’ve known I didn’t have to say the whole Birkat Hamazon, I would’ve got a decent job and enjoyed bread all this time. I would’ve contributed to society.

Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Devarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying.
As with a deep ditch, for safety, a rabbi should put a fence around the congregation. At least ten handbreadths high, so the congregants stay away from you. Many are not aware of this, but the first Mechitzahs were built for the whole congregation. To keep them away.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. I am here to answer all questions.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Melachim uMilchamot 6:7) teaches to not siege a city on all four sides. “A place should be left to flee and for all those who desire, to escape with their lives.” This is why committee meetings take place in a room with a door. So, people can escape with their lives.
The Rambam doesn’t give a list of excuses for getting out of meeting, such as “I have to pick up my child from baseball practice.” Or "I am going to renounce my membership if I ever have to see you people again." Those laws were developed later. In committee meetings.