Jewish Dictionary of Frum Words: "A" to "Amnon's"

So. We shall begin the Jewish Dictionary of Frum Words with Hebrew words that begin with 'A.' With that in mind, we will only get up to Amnon's today.

Ad Journal- a) A way to say "mazel tov" for $1,600. Sentence: "We should get to know less people in this community. They're honoring everybody. I'm going to be friends with people nobody likes." See Fundraiser and Day School for why I can’t afford to be Jewish in America, and why my accountant suggested I convert. b) What smart people use for advertisement. Proper Use of Ad Journal: "We at Shloimy's Deli want to wish the Simchavitz family a Mazel Tov on being honored for knowing people and loving our hot corned beef on club with Russian dressing, also known as The Simchavitz. Come on down to Shloimy's in honor of the Simchaviz's to get your hot corned beef Simchavitz style this week, 20% off. A Mazel Tov sandwich."

Accountant- A job that people have, some of whom are Jewish.

Airplane Food/TV Dinner- What Frum Jews eat everywhere they go, where they interact with not Frum people. This includes, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, banquets, their parents’ home. See Bal Tshuva for how to offend parents. Sentence: "We don’t trust the Hashgacha at the wedding. Please bring us the TV Dinner…No. We don’t want the London broil. We enjoy our cuisine vacuum-packed. Good till 2038."

Al Hamichiyah- a) A prayer you say because you want to eat baked grains and fill yourselves up without having to say the long prayer after dinner. Sentence: ‘We had crackers for supper, because we didn’t want to say the Birkas Hamazon. That prayer is too long. I would rather starve than thank Gd that much for bread. I appreciate bread, but not that much. I like the Al Hamichiyah. I like to thank Gd a little.’ b) A prayer you forget to say after you eat.

Aleiynu- a) One of the few prayers everybody knows, because it comes at the end of Davening, when you show up to shul. b) A prayer that has a bowing segment. People bow very low, because they don’t want to get whacked by the people who are folding their Tallis by swinging it, intentionally at my eye. At the end of the prayers, people fold up their Tallis shawls, which have tassels on the corners, and not one of these people is concerned with my safety.

Aliyah- a) Getting called to the Torah. For good Frum Jews it has nothing to do with Israel. b) An honor that shuls give people in order to blackmail them into giving money to the congregation. Sentence: "I got an Aliyah this past Shabbis, and then they made me say I will give a donation. The amount was announced in front of everybody... They gave me an envelope. No stamp. I guess I have to pay for that too. I haven’t used stamps in years." Alternative Sentence: "Now I am in debt. They put me on the spot and I didn’t remember that we already gave money to the Ad Journal." c) Another reason to scream at the Gabai and threaten his family. Sentence: "The piece of... didn't give me an Aliyah." And that sentence finishes with, "And now we have money for the vacation down to Florida."

Aliyah LRegel- Heading to Jerusalem on the pilgrimage festivals, in a car. That was cute, for those who know Hebrew. A Bissel Hebrew pun. You see, in Hebrew "regel" means foot. Now read the first line again. Did you read it? Of course, it’s not funny now.

Am HaAretz- a) Anybody who disagrees with the length of time Davening should be. b) Anybody who says that I am speaking Lashon Hara. c) Anybody who wants to sing another Shabbis Zemer. Sentence: "These Shabbis songs are so fun. I would love to do more of them." Sentence by Frum Jew: "I've been singing these songs for years. I've fulfilled my requirement quota of singing during dinner. I don’t want to sing again. This is not Oneg. Shabbis is about enjoyment, not singing a twenty-minute song, you Am HaAretz." d) Anybody who bows too far during the Amidah. Sentence: "This shul thing is really good for my back. Let me do another penitent move. Stretch out those hamstrings."

Amah- How they measured back in the day. They didn’t use measuring tape. They used the forearm. Similar to taking steps to tell distance. As everybody’s elbow to finger length is different, once you started a project, you needed that same guy there at all times. And they had to not grow.  Sentence: "Where is Shlomo? Wake him up. We have to make sure the pillar is a Shlomo Amah... The Nissin Amah won't work. I told you. We're building this Sukkah in Shlomo size. Low ceilings… You should have gotten a grownup. Shlomo hit a growth-spurt last week. Now the building is crooked. We should've never hired him at fourteen. I told you I'm against child labor." See Tefach for other traditional measurements that we do with people’s appendages.

Amazing Savings- a) Where Jews go shopping, because they sell aluminum pans. Either there or at a store that has "Dollar" in it. Sentence: "I trust Amazing Savings. Are you sure the Dollar Store has tins? If not, then what are we shopping for?" b) The name of a store and what you are going to do. Sentence: "I go there because the savings are amazing." Alternative Sentence: "At Amazing Savings nobody calls me cheap. I feel good when I shop there. It's Amazing. And we're all Saving."

Amen- a) Something you are supposed to say a lot at Shul. b) Response of agreement. Sentence: "You put on weight." Response: "Amen." Continuation of Response: "I don’t like you." Retort: "Amen."

Amidah- a) The silent prayer which is said out loud, together, in not Frum congregations. Sentence: "If everybody can please rise for the silent Amidah and repeat after me." See Shmonah Esrei for how we mess up numbers too. b) Something that takes longer the Frumer you are. Sentence: "I think that guy is still in the middle of the Amidah. It's been 12 minutes. He must be very religious. I can't fall asleep standing like that."

Amnon’s Pizza- a) If you don’t know this, you haven’t been to Boro Park, and thus you aren’t really Jewish. Take a trip to Brooklyn and then you can call yourself Jewish. b) What a pizza shop smells like when you keep strong to tradition, and don’t air it out for 40 years.

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick.