Elections are upon us, and the High Holy Days are upon us to. And let’s face it, like any politician, you have a lot of apologizing to get in before Yom Kippur. And when you multiply each apology by the necessary three attempts, you probably should have started weeks ago.
The problem is, apologizing is hard. It takes considerable bravery and humility to admit a wrong you committed to the person you committed it against. This is especially true if the person you are apologizing to had no idea you sold their rare Charizard Pokémon card on eBay so you could buy that new Funko Pop Eliyahu HaNavi doll, with the glowing wine goblet.
 
Apologizing Is Not Easy… But What If It Was?
Every day, we see politicians do horrific things, then go on TV, say a few nonsensical words, and somehow convince 75% of the population that they apologized.
How do they do it? How do they make everyone forget what happened with only a few magic words? Luckily for you, I, America’s Rebbitzman, have done the work, studied the tapes, analyzed the statements, and assembled foolproof templates that will have you apologizing like a pro!
Follow the templates below, and while I cannot guarantee your place in the Book of Life, I can guarantee that nobody will be entirely sure what you just apologized for.
 
For Children Apologizing to Their Parents
“I am sorry if you mistook my statement, ‘I hate you and wish you were dead,’ out of context. We all hear what we want to hear when listening to others, and it is unfortunate that you heard something other than the messages of love I was trying to convey.
“You also appear to have had difficulty hearing the positive message contained in my follow-up statement, ‘You are the worst parents and humans ever!’ For your interpretation of these remarks, I am sorry.”
 
For Apologizing to Your Spouse’s Best Friend
“You have implied on multiple occasions that I borrowed your car last week without permission and returned it with a large dent in the passenger-side door. While the emotions you are expressing seem true and very real to you, I, personally, do not recall the instance to which you are referring.
“This activity of taking your car on multiple occasions while you were away on that cruise to Alaska does not seem to be within my character, in terms of who I am as a person. If, however, any of my actions, such as leaving one shoe in the back seat, left in your mind a false narrative that I was responsible for what happened to your car, I am sorry that you have misinterpreted the scenario. Additionally, if you have said shoe, I would appreciate it back.”
 
For Apologizing to Your Spouse
“Over the past few days, there has been a significant focus on events involving myself, your best friend, their car, a large dent, and a running shoe. I would just like to point out that several presidents of the United States had far more serious accusations thrown against them, and they were still allowed to remain in office. I think it is only fair that your full attention is focused on our beloved nation and a full analysis of any wrongs the late Senator Ted Kennedy may or may not have done involving his own car before you turn your scrutiny on your husband, who has never been elected to any office.
“I am sorry you have been so distracted from the real issue at hand. AMERICA.
“I know you spent a long time thinking about which sneakers to buy me for my birthday, and I am working on getting the missing one back. I am sorry for misplacing such a meaningful gift. G-d Bless the United States of America!”
 
Best of luck to you all as you make your annual apologies this Elul. May we all be written into
the Book of Life this year. And remember: If the person you wronged finishes your apology more confused than when you started, congratulations. You may not have mastered teshuvah, but you are ready for public office.

As Jews, how do we actually practice our faith over the summer?
We sweat, we complain about how much we sweat, we hold off on installing an air conditioner in shul because in 1958, the great-grandfather of the kid who works at Best Buy said something about how his mother’s schnitzel was better than the great-great-grandmother of the current board president’s schnitzel. We then get old, move to Florida, where we sweat all year long, complain about how cold it is inside, and then we die. There is nothing religiously positive about the summer months.
The impact of not installing an air conditioner has created a butterfly effect on the Jewish experience. It’s too hot in the synagogue, so service attendance is down. We ship our kids off to Jewish overnight camp, so they can experience a lack of air conditioning in exotic and remote places like the Poconos. The only holidays we have consist of broken walls and cannibalism. It’s the only time of year when conversion is tempting. If I were to become a Whirling Dervish, at least all that spinning would keep the July heat at bay.
 
This isn’t a challenge only facing Judaism. Christianity has nothing over the summer heat as well. However, they came up with the brilliant strategy to start celebrating Christmas in July. When you have one holiday that lasts months, the need for new content is significantly lower. You can dream of a White Christmas at the beach if you click on the right Spotify channel. You have hope of gifts. You don’t feel the need to convert.
The Torah confirms it! The summer is when we read Devarim, and it reads like a latter-season episode of Friends. Nothing new happening. Just clips of flashbacks of Joey being confused about something. It’s Moses saying, “Remember when we walked through the desert? That was cool.” And “Don’t forget about that time that you complained about making bricks out of mud and straw, that sucked.” These are the episodes you can skip when binge-watching and know you didn’t miss anything. Devarim is Moses saying, “Take the summer off, you’ll be fine come September. I won’t be here, but here are the Cliff’s Notes if you need a refresher.”
 
So, what can we do to inject some Jewish excitement, Jewish pride into these dormant summer months? The easy answer would be to buy a central air system for the sanctuary, but if we wait for board approval, it may take another 2000 years.
It’s time to do something to revolutionize our religion. Something to keep our Jewish people wanting to be Jewish, when nobody is willing to pay for air conditioning. Traditions that bring us some Nachis.
 
Here is what I propose:
 
New Prayer for Those Driving to the Shore - Tefilat Haderech for the NJ Turnpike.
May it be Your will, Lord our Gd and Gd of our fathers, that You should lead us in peace and direct our cruise control in peace, and guide us in peace, and support us in peace, and cause us to reach the shore without having an aortic event because the Toyota in front of us has maintained a speed of ten miles below the speed limit, despite being in the left lane. Save us from every EZ-Pass malfunction and flat tire along the way, and from all kinds of road rage, and whatever that smell is when you enter the state of New Jersey. May You send blessing upon our gas tanks and grant me grace, kindness, and mercy in Your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us floor it to change lanes at the last minute to make the exit ramp, because we lost track of where we were while zoning out the complaints of our teenage children. And may You hear the sound of our supplication, for You are Gd who hears prayer and supplication. Blessed are You, Lord, who hears prayer. And may our AC work. Amen.
 
New Summer Holiday
Now, we already have a holiday dedicated to the Sun called Birkat Hachamah, but that only happens every 28 years. I don’t know about you, but I see the sun practically every day, so maybe we should have Hachamah Hakatan that happens every month of Tamuz. You ask how we celebrate such a holiday.
Between Lag B’Omer and Hachamah Katan, it is forbidden for men to shave their backs. There is no better way for a family to get ready for the pool or the beach than shearing off Dad’s back fur.
We celebrate this holiday starting at night, so nobody has to see Dad in the pool. That will turn people off from Judaism.
Rather than dipping into a pool, on Hachamah Hakatan, you soak in a reservoir of naturally running water. Makes it more Jewish.
The Halacha has been amended by many mothers who decreed that all traditions of Hachama Hakatan must be practiced around a vat of SPF 50 suntan lotion. 
 
New Food
Latkas, matzoh brie, hamantaschen, none of these scream summer fun in the Poconos. We need foods that capture the season and the seasoning of Judaism.
Thus, Hachama Hakatan will have its own summer holiday menu. As the saying goes: They tried to kill us, we won, let's go to camp in the Poconos.
Foods are: Sour pickled hot dogs. Frozen borscht popsicles. A tall glass of Etrogade. And brisket.
 
It is already 5786, but we are still treating the Summer the same way we did back in 0086. Judaism is a vibrant, living religion. We need to treat it as such, even when it’s 102 degrees outside and 153 under the beating light of the Ner Tamid. So please join me in making this summer one Jews cand take pride in. Something to keep our young Jews in the fold.

Yiddish curses are great, but some of them are getting a little dated. One of my favorites is “may you fall back onto a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.” It's brilliant. Even so, I’ve never owned a pitchfork and I don’t know if you are supposed to keep it in the kitchen. 
We all want to curse our friends and family in creative and relevant ways. It may feel hopeless, but have no fear, America’s Rebbitzman has created some modern Yiddish-style curses for you to tell off your boss, spouse, or teenage child with.

• May your Instagram feed finally get one million likes, and may it be for the post listing your shiva details.
• Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, at least none of us will have to hear you Kvetch about it.
• Success is a journey, not a destination, so may you walk a thousand miles and never make it to where you are headed.
• Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently… or in your case, with a different pair of shoes.
• May you inherit a vast art collection, and may they all be NFTs.
• May you win The Lottery.
• May your life be so adventurous as to warrant documentaries by Netflix, HULU, and Vice.
• May your fast be the hardest thing you have to do all year, and may dropping dead be the easiest.

If you truly want to get across the point, you can always say it in Yiddish. זאָל אייער פאַסטן זיין די שווערסטע זאַך וואָס איר דאַרפט טאָן דאָס גאַנצע יאָר, און זאָל אַראָפּפאַלן טויט זיין די גרינגסטע
That will get them thinking.
The harshest curse is, "May you win The Lottery." That should be reserved for someone 

​First off, to the antisemites out there, I would like to commend you for your commitment to this narrative. Few groups of people would hold onto something so meaningless for so long and not seem to lose an ounce of enthusiasm for it. You truly are the excited puppies of humanity. Unfortunately, over the last one thousand years or so, the rest of us have moved on. The truth is, you just aren’t as good at this whole antisemitism thing as you think you are. It's just not fun to engage with you anymore. We know the talking points and rhetoric, and to be frank, it’s a bit dated and dull. Maybe I can help.
While you are clearly very good at refocusing your own demons, you are pretty terrible in your methods of attack. As America’s Rebbitzman, I feel obligated to help you be a better antisemite. This isn’t for your benefit, mind you, it's for the rest of us. If we are forced to constantly engage with you, we want it to be a challenge. We are the people of the book, not the people of the coloring book, so we really need you to step up a bit if you want to rile our feathers.
 
How we look
I am not well-versed in the aesthetic frailties of Europe in the 1300s, so maybe back then, when this antisemitic nose size “zinger” first came out, it was a deep cut for a person to hear. The problem is that today, this really doesn’t quite pack the offensive punch you think it does. It’s a nose. Of all the parts of the body people are sensitive about, the nose is kind of at the bottom of the list.
Hitler was embarrassed about his “huge-schnoz.” He was always lifting his arm as high as possible to cover it. But we are fine with our noses.
What’s incredible is that your nasal focus is actually an upgrade of the original “Jews have horns” trope. We can all agree that assigning something that can be so easily waved away with the lifting of a hat was a huge misstep by your predecessors.
I would suggest maybe hitting something a little more poignant, like our almost universal lactose intolerance. Think of how glorious your rallies would be if everyone came with a taunting wheel of Jarlsberg! You could use the coded terms of “Milkies” or “Brudders of the Udders” to identify safely on Truth Social or X. The potential is endless.
 
Our Perceived Success
I’m a little concerned that you don’t know how insults are supposed to work. If we can’t get past this, I’m afraid any hope in your improvement will be a lost cause. You don’t generally put people down by yelling about how successful you think they are; Jews control Hollywood, control the banks, and run a secret space program. We get it, you think we are great at doing things. I sometimes walk away from X thinking, “I can be anything!” You can be very empowering with your ineffective attempts at racism.
Have you considered simply not elevating us in your rhetoric? I know it seems like the obvious move, but sometimes that is the best one to make.
Also, can you imagine what an Alt-Right-controlled film industry would look like? Given your earlier established lack of creativity, we’d have movies like: Disney’s The Tinnitus Sufferer of Notre Dame, Hate Actually, and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Capitol Building.
 
George Soros
I have to be completely honest here. If it were not for antisemitism, I would have no idea who George Soros was or that he was Jewish. Even now, I know he is some rich dude and is Jewish, though he sounds Greek, but that’s about it. Maybe update the name for a younger generation, so Jews actually feel offended by the inferences or association. Let me suggest a couple for you. Ben Shapiro, Jared Kushner, or Stephen Miller, they all feel like walking caricatures of your vision of us anyway. At least this way, we could put a face to the name. You start associating Stephen Miller with the face of the “evil Jew,” and we will struggle to argue against it.
 
Israel
Whether you are a right-wing antisemite or a liberal one, I know how tempting it is to add Israel to your arsenal, but it's also a wee bit too complex for you. The layering of history, global economics, weaponization of theologies, and the constant churning of contemporary viewpoints from outside nations with their own objectives, frankly, puts this one way out of your league. It requires reading and contemplation, and so many other applications of intellect that get in the way of your child-like urges. Whenever you bring up Israel or Zionism as your antisemitic marching cry, you sound like a college student who is learning how to form their own opinion from a pamphlet handed to them in the quad.

I’d suggest you focus your efforts on a different geography, the small Eastern European village of Chelm. It has an almost exclusively Jewish population, and the people there are not the brightest. Some of the stories that have come out of there over the years are ridiculous. They actually tried to capture the moon in a barrel of water! This is a place that is more your speed. With Chelm, you don’t need to worry about any geopolitical or historical details, and they are constantly doing dumb things. Such as making fun of snout size. Maybe in a few hundred years, once you start to master a place like Chelm, you’ll be ready for Israel.