Back To School Shopping Explained

by David Kilimnick

The new school year is here and the Jewish day school gave you a checklist of stuff to buy. Which has you questioning why you're paying tuition. And why tuition is eighteen thousand dollars.
They gave you a list, but they didn’t explain it. They didn’t explain why your five-year-old needs Post-its. And still, no matter how well they learned to read in preschool, they don't do chores.
I’ve done my research of the Jewish day schools suggested back to school shopping lists and cannot explain how your $18,000 tuition doesn’t cover pencils. Nonetheless, I hope this helps you make sense of why you have to buy more crayons.
The list is long. Hence this year, we shall focus on writing instruments and supportive tools.
 
Something to Write On
That's a good idea. I remember showing up to school one year and there was nothing. I had pens, pencils, erasers. Nothing to write on. Why they told us we needed erasers, when we had nowhere to write. Another anomaly.
Something to write on means paper, if you want your kid to be judged for hating trees. If your child is in a religious school, you're better off sending them with parchment. It's better for Torah classes, and nobody is protesting parchment. Not as many people care about animals.
It turns out, this doesn't include desks. Something that I was not aware of. I asked and the school said desks are not a writing material. I don't have more information on that. I hung up the phone before they could get me for the tables I ruined in elementary school.
 
Computer
Many schools are going green, showing care for the environment. This is why it’s important to purchase a laptop. Paper lasts but a day. Laptops can go for a whole year, until they’re useless. At that point you compost it.

Pencils
Voted the number one thing your kid needs, and you need to purchase. The day school did not mention a pencil sharpener. If they had that, the kids could use their pencils from last year.
The day school also didn’t mention erasers. At that point, you might as well use a pen.
 
Extra Pencils for Your Child
People don’t borrow pencils, they steal them. They never return them. That is why all standardized tests are administered with number two pencils. Because the first one was stolen.
Do they teach the kids about pen Geneyva? No. Pen thievery is alive and well. Halacha class is focused on the dimensions of a Sukkah and how to measure with your arm. And do the children remember this stuff? No. Because they had nothing to write down the lesson with. 
Who forgets writing instruments to school?! Some parents don’t even buy their children pens. I know that Ben’s mom never bought him pens, because Ben never had a pen. Ben would ask me for a pen. Truth is, Ben always stole my pen.
Thus you need extra pencils, and a safe. The school did not mention the safe. Nonetheless, I suggest to get your child a safe, so Ben can't steal another pen. Ben needs a pen.

Glue Sticks, Glue, Rulers, Scissors, Paper, Siddur
The school provides absolutely nothing. Gym class doesn’t provide balls. The office needs the kids to bring printers so the teachers can make copies. Art class doesn’t provide paint anymore. You’ve got to bring your own paint brushes and paper mâché.
The $18,000 doesn't cover schooling anymore. It definitely doesn't cover prayer books for the Shacharit morning service. I'm still at a loss trying to figure out what $18,000 provides. You may have to provide a teacher as well. Be sure to check your back to school checklist to make sure education isn't something you have to provide.

Printers
The grocery store is selling printers as back to school gear, if your child has enough room in their knapsack to schlepp that to school every day. This is not on the school list. Though supermarkets are selling anything they can. You can pick this up next to the condiment section. Which is helpful, as some of Frank's spicy sauces work as decent ink cartridges. 
Unlike pens, other kids don’t ask to borrow printers. Hence, there's less of a chance of the other kids stealing Hewlett Packard. Even so, most kids do forget to bring their printers to school.
 
Crayola Crayons- 3 Packs, Crayola Colored Pencils, Crayola Fine Point Washable Markers & 2 Packs of Crayola Broad Tip Washable Markers, Crayola Water Colors
This is what the local Jewish day school suggested. I have a feeling Crayola is giving them kickbacks.
E. Steiger, Roseart and Cra-z-Art crayons won’t work. They must be Crayola. Maybe they don’t want your kids being judged by the kindergarten crayon snobs who only eat Crayola. I'm still convinced the school is getting kickbacks.
 
Post-its
Schools have stopped giving kids assignments. They now give them errands to run. Jewish history class had my nephew running a paper about Menachem Began and the Lechi.
This also makes it easier to write nasty stuff to stick on somebody’s back. The process of having to find the tape and glue, takes too long. And then you have to ask them to stand still, so you can attach it to their back properly. Why there's any adhesive other than Post-its, makes no sense.

Save money on Back to School Shopping
The school didn’t suggest this. That would be a chutzpa after charging you $18,000 tuition and not providing desks to write on.
Go shopping in October, when stuff goes on sale, after the Back to School Sale. That is when the back to school sales are in effect. Your child can carry the books and printer the first month and a half of school.
You can also go to the airport. They will be able to provide you with a plethora of scissors, staplers and pencils. They have mine.
Better yet, to save money... Instead of picking up the back-to-school pencils, paint and scissors, don’t throw out the school supplies from last year.

Next year we will focus on school accessories, such as another new backpack and a basketball hoop. The school doesn’t provide that either.
At least we now know that Post-its do not get kids to help. Your child still doesn't help out with the chores.

Postscript
A little extra for you. A poem I wrote in Third grade (even at eight years old I noticed the brilliance of rhyming “Ben” and “pen”):
Where is my pen, Ben
Whatever is best
Whatever color the teacher uses to grade the test
Get a Pen Ben
Ben Get a Pen 
Ben Has No Pen
Blue red black
Ben please may I get my pen back
Blue red black
Ben, why don’t you buy your own Bic 12 pack
Get a Pen Ben
Ben Get a Pen 
Ben Has No Pen
Get a Pen Ben
Why does Ben have no pen
Maybe it is in the den
Ben
Ben Get a Pen
*I don’t think Ben’s mom got the checklist.