The Jewish Weekly News Commentary that comes out once a year.
This is how I recall 2025.
There is still antisemitism. Donald Trump became president. Israel is acknowledged as a country again. Around two-thousand years from the destruction of the Temple to 1948. And then four years from Joe Biden to 2025. Iran goes from being a kind ally to America unleashing proxy wars on Israel to all of the sudden not being a good guy. And I am very confused. I thought the Ayatollah was on our side. War with Iran and Ben Gurion is shut down for a few days. Iran can truly kill your summer plans. The Ayatollah ruins people’s vacations. That's what that guy does. And that cannot be forgiven. And it's time for revolution. Diaspora Jews blame Iran for not visiting Israel the last fifteen years. It appears they were all planning to go this past summer. And Iran ruined it for them. Something positive must’ve happened. I think. It will come. Tucker Carlson and Dave Chappelle remind everybody that the Jews own everything. It’s a fact. Candace Owens said so. And the Jews are running Qatar. War ends in Gaza but it is still going on. I am more confused as the year goes on. No idea how this works. Jews discuss this for the next few months, as they get attacked during the ceasefire. Israel is then blamed for keeping to the ceasefire agreement. As a Jewish nation we learn the new meaning of words and ideas. Now, according to media sources, a ceasefire is supposed to be a unilateral move. The other side does not have to keep to the agreement. Only one side must follow the agreed upon agreement of the two sides. Hamas executes their own people. Israel is blamed for that too. Somehow the price of Shmurah Matzah went up. Nobody thought that was possible. You can find boxes for upwards of two-hundred dollars. And they still come broke. They haven't figured out a way to sell Shmurah Matzah that comes in whole pieces. Whole Shmura Matzahs were placed in the boxes. They did not stay that way. Jews are still very excited about charcuterie boards. Charedim don't join the army. Jews around the world are in an uproar due to the lack of Karlin Stolin Chasid commandos serving in the IDF. People tried to kill us. Israel had an election. Must've had an election. If not. That's my mistake. It's just an assumption. I'm used to it. It must've happened this year too. Nick Fuentes is asking why Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson hate Jews so much. Jews are blamed for that too. Dave Chappelle reminds everybody he hates Jews. Greta Thunberg. She happened. Again. As of August, 70% of US hate crimes this year were against Jews. But it's not an issue because it's against Jews. That number has gone up since with Jews from Long Island claiming that flights to Florida are way too high at this time of year. We approached around ten thousand anti-Semitic incidents this year. One should take pride in their achievements. For safety, Jewish events continue to not advertise where they are. As a result, less people have showed up to the events. Making them safer. Due to this, more Jewish people have showed to local coffee shops. To quote, “I knew where Starbucks is.” Violence against Jews in New York goes up. Jews are blamed for that. Jews are blamed for ruining the economy. Because they still have all the money. Rape is still an acceptable form of expression against Jews. Mass killings of Jews is debatable in world view, as it's an expression of culture. And you have to be considerate to Islamist culture. France, again, overtakes the Jewish Agency and Nefesh BNefesh as the best promoters of Aliyah. Every American has formed a strong opinion about Israel and the Middle East based on what they heard from Dave Chappelle. It turns out that Hamas terrorists are considered journalists according to international law. Therefore, it's a war crime to shoot at them. When a journalist is shooting an RPG at you, you're not allowed to shoot back, as they may report on it later, at some point. Hamas said so, therefore it is fact. It also turns out that many members of Hamas are part of UNRWA. Which means Hamas is an organization of integrity. Muslims are allowed to lie. Which is why the media has reported everything they have shared as fact. They lied about it, therefore it is true. Hostages are released and the Bibas family is brought to their resting place. Our people come together in tears. And that means Hamas is kind. Leftwing military personnel try to show the worst of Israel. To quote, “That is how you do Hasbara. You show the worst soldiers who commit alleged acts of abuse. You take that video and show that to the world. Then the world will see how beautiful Israel is.” Maybe people who read Haaretz should not be part of the military. When you want your people to lose the war, and want Mamdani for mayor of New York, and if you think Arab Chumus is better than Jerusalem Chumus, maybe you shouldn't be on the frontlines with your Israeli brethren. It's kind of hard to be in the middle of battle wondering if the guy next to you is going to share your picture, holding a gun, with the international news sources. You don't want to have to ask, "That guy is shooting at us. Is it a war crime to shoot back? Does protecting our country land me in jail?" You don't want to have to ask the guy to stop filming, put down his phone, and to start shooting." The lawmakers of Israel are still focused on Bibi’s smoking habits. They feel that if they can lock him up for smoking a cigar the world will love Israel. Anti-Semites decide you can’t claim antisemitism anymore. Starbucks is apparently not pro Jews getting murdered. Now people hate Jews and coffee. It turns out it's the Jews. That's the reason Starbucks employees aren't making enough. I personally do not tip very well. I didn't know their salary was dependent on me. And now I understand that I am the cause of the continued hatred of Jews. And Donald Trump and Bibi wear the same red tie at the conference to end the year. The naysayers are correct. They wore the same tie. Thats a bromance. They are in cahoots. And they tried to kill us. Again. I’m sure there was something positive. It hasn’t hit me yet. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: VaYigash12/28/2025 
Announcements
The renovations committee has decided that the shul will get AstroTurf for the sanctuary as many stadiums now use it. The head of the committee said, "It's used in the place of grass. Why should it not be used instead of carpet?!" We’re asking our congregants to participate in the Davening. It's been reported that our shul is very depressing, by the people who are depressing. Please greet people. Please smile. And please help with the singing in Davening. Make our shul less depressing by you not depressing everybody. Musaf’s repetition tune was messed up on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah because nobody finished off the Kedusha "Halleluka" with the tune to lead the Chazin. You have a job as congregants. And sometimes that might mean helping with the tune of Al HaNisim throughout a holiday, for every prayer. We put in a petition to our Christian neighbors to give us more than Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song over their six months of Christmas. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Angry and Depressed in Shul- A Day with Our Members. How to Be a Congregant- A Class with Guest Speakers from Other Shuls. How to Fit the Words of Every Prayer into Al Hanisim- A Course in Jewish Music. Jewish Identity Found in Santa's Lap at the Mall. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yosef sends his brothers to Israel to bring the whole family to Mitzryaim... Why not? It's winter. It's a bit warmer than Israel. Why should the family not go down for a visit? Yosef makes sure to take care of his brothers. (Bereishit 45:21-23) He sends them with changes of clothes, all the good stuff from Egypt for Yaakov and donkeys and wagons and food. Last time I went down to Florida, I had to pack my own sandwich. Not one member of this shul packed a lunch for their rabbi. Not even a corned beef on club... I like club. And a little mayonnaise. I'm not a corned beef on rye guy... It’s care. It’s concern... I have no idea what the good stuff in Mitzrayim was. It could've been Hashish. (Bereishit 45:24) Yosef sends his brothers and he says, “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” “Don’t become agitated on the way.” When he sends them, it’s not the stuff, it’s the focus. The safety of the way. Have you ever traveled with my wife?!... It was the way that Yosef cared. Sent them on the mission. More importantly. He and Paroh made sure they had everything. And more important than that, it was the peace of mind. You can't travel. You can't do your mission right when you have congregants that are so annoying. They get under your skin with their stupidity... AstroTurf???!!!!! How can I focus on being a rabbi with AstroTurf?! Am I supposed to slide into the Bima?! Is the Gabai going to tackle me?!... And what do you need most? Peace of mind. “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” You can have everything. But the wrong focus. People like Bernie, will throw you off... Rashi gives three explanations for "not becoming agitated" and not dealing with congregants. Just thought you might want to know... Don’t discuss Halacha... Ever seen a Chavrusa. Yelling at each other. A lot of fighting about Rava. Even worse. Ever fielded a question from one of our members?! I never knew I would have to field questions about artificial grass. Don’t rush. Stop properly on the journey... A bathroom break. Yosef is telling them to take bathroom breaks, Fishel. And now I am agitated. How this is a Halachik question. And don’t fight about who is to blame for selling Yosef... I don’t know which one Yosef meant. He might have wanted to think they would fight on the way. The same way Ruchel wants to know that we appreciate her Tzimis... When you send someone on a mission. When people are traveling, you think about them. “Don’t become agitated on the way.” You have that responsibility to support them. Don't give them the mission to be the rabbi and then ask him to deal with a membership who harmonizes... It's annoying. Kills my Davening every day. I'm hearing a ringing in my ear right now. Now is not the time to think about where you went wrong. How you ended up in Topeka. The individual has to focus on the mission. The other people have to support them correctly. Let your rabbi do his job and don't do stupid stuff. Don't be a board member... The renovations committee needs to know they are fools. We have to support them in that way... Artificial turf?!! We have not one athlete in this shul... How will it save people time in shul? Who in Gehenim mows carpets?!... You don’t mow the lawn in front of the shul anyways. And now we have to get down on AstroTurf on Yom Kippur?!... The Chazin needs our support... The Tefillah is out loud. There is singing. You are expected to not be a bunch of depressing congregants... Yes. You are supposed to join in the singing. Rebecca has no problem harmonizing. Sounds awful... You don’t even pay dues. How can you expect the Chazin to Daven for you... He needed support. He needed the Hallelulaka at the end of Musaf Kedusha to get the tune right... This is agitating. Hold on. You’re the Chazin. You have to be able to figure it out yourself... You think anybody can depend on our congregants?! Have you seen the dues? Can’t even depend on them to be congregants... They’re members but they’re not... If you haven’t paid your dues, you’re not members. You're people who take Kichel at Kiddish every week and don't pay... At least help the Chazin out with moving into the Musaf Kedusha. That’s your job as a congregant. And to pay your dues. And to make sure your rabbi gets a raise... You're congregants. You're still agitating. Couldn't even figure out the Al Hanisim tune for Kedusha. How can you be our Chazin. Getting a new one... Always messes up his mission... Well. We need a Chazin who can look at our congregation and say, "These people are very not helpful"... You should be singing Al Hanisim eight days straight. That is how you celebrate Chanukah... Tirgzu also means to become angry. “Don't become angry.” When others have a holiday. Don’t become agitated... I have spoken to the pastors about their celebrating Christmas months before their holiday starts. Their Christmas in downtown Topeka lasts from Shavuot to Purim. We have eight holidays in the time they celebrate one... Chanukah and they're wearing Christmas hats already. Can't give us the week. Eight days. That's all we want. I told them. They’ve taken over the radio with Christmas songs since July. It's not fair. Give us a song... They play those songs on the radio all year. That Mariah Carey and Bruce Springsteen... One Chanukah song is all we have. We have one song. "I Had a Little Dreidel"... And Al Hanisim. Correct... Maybe a Jew could support his people and focus on writing a Chanukah song for once... Always writing Christmas songs. I have a feeling a Catholic wrote "I Had a Little Dreidel"... You might have a little Dreidel. I had one. That's how I sing the song... (Bereishit 45:19-21) Paroh tells Yosef that he should tell his brothers to take from the best of Egypt. And they do that. Why not?! Enjoy. If I told you to take from the best of the shul. You would be stuck in a long drown out conversation with Chana about turf. Yosef though, focused on their journey. Yosef would’ve packed up a bunch of corned beef sandwiches for his brothers. The best corned beef. The fatty stuff... They didn’t have corned beef back then. Bernie. It's hyperbole, Bernie. Hope... We all have a mission. We're all on a journey in this world. Don't take Bernie along. He will throw you off. You take my wife. Next thing you know, you're shopping for Chanukah tinsels... But more than that. We have a requirement to not mess up other people's missions. Let me enjoy my vacation down in Florida this year, for crying out loud. Let me have some peace of mind. A week with no Christmas songs, and no renovation ideas dealing with AstroTurf. Idiots... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was hoping somebody would put together a corned beef on club for his next trip. Always hinting to stuff. He went off for three minutes on how he likes his sandwiches. Why lettuce with a touch of dill made it into the sermon this week is a question I still ask. "Don't be a board member." Some of the most profound words from our rabbi. Best Musar, rebuke, our rabbi has ever given. The Renovations committee felt it was important to get artificial turf because they had extra money. To quote the committee chair, “We have money. I think.” They said the shul is like the Astrodome, as the sanctuary has a ceiling. That was their thought. I agree. A Chazin should be able to do every Tefillah to Al HaNisim. That is how we’re going to start checking who's allowed to lead us in services. They're depressing. Our shul’s members bring a feeling of sadness to Chanukah. The rabbi later explained the responsibility of congregants. Which is something they pay for. You pay to help the Chazin. That's what a member does. He also let people know that they have to be ready to sing the Al HaNisim tune at least a hundred forty times over the course of Chanukah. That's the requirement of a Jew. Payment. And then to sing Al Hanisim all hundred forty times with a smile. The rabbi did make it clear that the congregants have bad voices. Nonetheless, they need to be part of the services. Which is why things sound very bad. Truth is I don't know if them singing will help the Chazin. It hurts me. Our kids sat on Santa for Chanukah. That’s what the mall gave us as Jews for Chanukah. They allowed our children to enjoy Santa too. I couldn't get one "Happy Hanukah" this year. Not even a Hanukah on Chanukah. It's Chanukah and they’re already celebrating Christmas. which isn’t even happening. So, for Chanukah, Santa wished us a Merry Christmas. I'm just amazed at how much they celebrate Christmas in our town. No Jewish neighbor of mine is celebrating any Jewish holiday longer than they have to. Chanukah. We are not giving people more gifts. The fact they have to get eight gifts they don't want already is painful. We’re not singing Al Hanisim till Purim. Pesach. We are looking to get out of there. The holiday is over. We're not singing those songs anymore. Maybe Kel Bnei. Because it’s amazing. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album LIII12/27/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about having to say every additional prayer on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah, and TV dinners which good Jews eat when traveling and at Simchas, all while praising Jews for not cleaning their front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him taking down the Ya’aleh vYavo sign, instead of relishing the extra Tefillahs..
Nothing happened. No wind. No war. That’s a Frum front lawn. We don’t have backyards in the bungalows. We don’t use them in Teaneck... The neighbors understand that Jews learn Torah and leave stuff on the front lawn. That's the tradition. The Mesorah. Due to years of oppression our people are always ready for tragedy. Hence, the chairs are all in their right spots. And we keep them there. Front lawn.
Kosher class on a cruise. People next to me were asking why Jews like airplane food so much. We like our food double wrapped. It just tastes better with the plastic. Frum Jews, we take pride in TV dinners. Wedding food at my heretic cousin’s wedding. There is no greater feeling as a religious Jew than being at a wedding and pulling your food out of the casing at the table. All five courses individually wrapped by MealMart… We see that double wrapping as quality assurance. And incarcerated people of all nations would agree.
Those signs are the scariest thing I've seen in a while... I had to repeat the Amidah five times before I got it right. Turns out, when you see signs, shul takes longer too. Next time I see that many signs, I’ll be sure to skip shul.
I did my part for the congregation, taking down the sign. That saved a good fifteen minutes the next morning... One guy said, “I don’t even know why we have the sign. That Gabai whacked the table so hard, I had to bench Gomel.” Gomel is the Bracha you say when you survive a near-death experience. Which according to many can include a Chazin singing Hallel on a weekday.
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Why Do They Hate Us This Week12/24/2025 
People really hate Jews. They hate us everywhere. I'm not just saying that. I've been to shul. The membership there doesn't even like each other.
After watching the news this week, it seems they are coming up with more reasons to hate us. I didn't know that was possible. At this point, is it necessary? They have so many reasons already. They’ve kicked us out of their countries because we were successful. They kicked us out of their countries because we were poor. They massacred us in their countries. Yet, they are still coming up with more reason to kick us out of their countries. Here are some new reasons I found out this past week to hate Jews. And some older restored reasons to hate Jews that they forgot about for a few years. We have all the money. Somebody told me Nick Cannon said this. So, there is truth to it. Wild N' Out is not just an improv rap show. It's a place to get a sense of the economic makeup of American society. Nick Cannon was hired by Jewish people at some point, and they must have had money. It doesn't take much to deduce that Jews have all the money, if you have money they used to pay you. Turns out Bill Gates is Jewish. He has money. I just deduced that. We have somebody involved in politics. We run that too. I deduced that too. They've been listening to the news. And the news says to hate Jews. And now they trust the media. The forecast guy can't get one thing right. But he knows the Jews are murderers. And the Jews run the news. The Jews want people to hate them. We got attacked. They hate us because they attacked us. We defend ourselves. They hate us more. We say it's wrong to kill the Jews. They hate us even more. And they want to kill us. Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson said to hate us. I believe there is a shared quote, "We are mad at Ben Shapiro, so you should hate Jews." And because they are mad at Ben Shapiro, the Jews ran the slave trade. They were the sole owners of all slaves. And they drink the blood of everybody. And Tucker Carlson has not yet met a Jihadi Jew. Which means that Jews are racist. And we are not doing our part in globalizing the Intifada. The blood libels weren't enough. Candace is coming up with new ones. Like the Gemara runs the banks. And now she is monetizing the blood libels. I heard from a confidant that Candace Owens is producing a horror film starring Jewish vampires who are looking for the Kosher blood of Catholic babies. Mel Gibson has agreed to a cameo. I heard but I didn't really hear. But I did hear. If you know. She is also looking for Mashgichim to give their blessing to the blood, for Kosher certification. Jews are not good enough friends. As described by Megyn Kelly, good friends take up their friends' lies, and they don't argue with them when it comes to hating the Jews. And Tucker Carlson made it clear that Ben Shapiro is not one of those good friends. Which is why you should hate Jews. I personally am Jewish, and I have missed some birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese. Which is why everybody on my little league baseball team, The Carriage Cleaners, now hates Jews. Shanon Sharpe and his buddy, Ochocinco, said that the Jews are running everything. Nightcap is the podcast people get their information on football players from the nineties, how to be unfaithful to your partner, and in-depth political analysis on how Jews run the world. Which consists of, "Jews run the world." "I know they do." "Exactly. Everything." "The information is right there. We have the receipts." I believe that's how they proved that. I found out the Jews are not running their show. Which is why they hate Jews. It turns out the Jews run everything in the world, but NIghtcap. Nightcap is the only thing they don't run. Nick Cannon doesn't know the Jews run the world. He just thinks they have all the money. That's because he hasn't watched Nightcap, and doesn't know about the Beastie Boys. Who, as everybody knows, run the world of rap. I just deduced that. We run businesses. Unfortunately, many of them are profitable. We've acknowledged people who say they hate us. The people who hate us hate that. Using the word anti-Semite to define an anti-Semite really gets an anti-Semite mad. You can't use the word "antisemitism" anymore, unless if it's against the Arabs. The people of Gaza have claimed that, along with "genocide." Which I now realize I have been misinterpreting. Genocide, in modern dialect, means to protect oneself. Which the Jews are guilty of perpetrating. Jews defending themselves causes a lot of hatred. And on top of that, to claim that the Holocaust was a genocide, that is retroactive cultural misappropriation. Kanye West doesn't hate the Jews anymore. At least as of yesterday. That's a reason to hate us. I don't think I understand one thought of his. I am questioning if I should hate myself now. I heard Kanye West apologized to the Jews. Biggest mistake of his career. Now he lost all his fans to Dave Chappelle. And now people hate the Jews and Kanye West. We pulled out of Gaza. They wanted us to leave, we pulled back. Now they hate us because we listened. Hamas kills their own civilians. They're fine with their own people dying. And that is Israel's fault. They hate us because Hamas did... I truly do not understand any of this. And I still don't get how these people have money, when we have all of it. I am not good at deducing everything. The fact is we ruined the post October Seventh celebration they were all having. That was rude. And they hate us. They worked so hard hating us. You put so much effort into something, you want to see the fruits of your labor. I hope I’m not giving them more ideas. America. We live there. They hate that. The Intifada is being globalized. That's our fault. It would've been done already if we were Hamas. They teach it at the universities. So, it must be true. Qatar has a lot of money. So, they hate us. And Qatar is Jewish. I deduced that as well. We killed terrorists. Israel has taken out people who are trying to kill Israelis. Dave Chappelle has a problem with that. And thus, because he only shares facts in his show, it is true, and you should hate Jews. Those are the new reasons to hate Jews this week. We shall see what those wacky Jew haters come up with next week. Postscript To note, there are a lot of people who love Jews, because they know we have all the money. I deduced that. You see. I'll explain. If somebody has all the money, you want to be friends with them. This way, they can share it with you. The only problem is that, because of Ben Shapiro, Jews aren't good friends. Tags:
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Announcements
Marcie got no gifts this Chanukah, and she is happy. She asks that nobody gives her anything. She’s sponsoring Kiddish. To quote: “Kiddish this Shabbat is in honor of not getting anything I didn’t want. I’m so happy nobody thought of me this holiday.” Marcie also wants everybody to know, "I didn’t need any new winter accessories with Chanukah images that I wouldn't have worn on Chanukah. And that means I now don’t have to shop for people, for stuff they didn’t ask for.” We want to thank our funeral director, Mark, for showing up to the shul Chanukah party, just in case somebody from our shul dies too. We love having Mark at our services. We understand that other shuls also have a good chance of people passing away at services. The eighth night of Chanukah we will have a memorial service for our Jewish brethren in Australia. We ask Bernie and Marty not come. Note to Our Baal Tefillah this Chanukah: You don’t have to do every Shabbat Tefillah to the tune of Al HaNisim. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin Somebody’s Holiday with a Sale You Found at Five Below. Chesed Shel Emet- A Reason to Show to Shul. Chesed Shel Emet Part Two- The Financial Benefit of Caring for Our Loved Ones. When You Shouldn't be Present- People Who Are Not Comforting to See Like Bernie and Marty. How to Fit All of the Words of the Repetition of the Amidah to the Tune of Al HaNisim. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The famine starts... It wasn’t the shul Chanukah party, where the sisterhood didn’t make enough Latkes... (Bereishit 42:1) Yaakov sees there is food in Mitzrayim and tells his sons to g. And then he asks his sons, “Why do you make yourselves be seen?” Seemingly not much to do with the going down to Egypt. Just, "Why are you wearing your baseball caps off to the side?"... It's annoying. And I would appreciate it if your kids stopped doing that. It's not cute. It's annoying... "Why are you making yourselves conspicuous?" That is the question. And I ask that of our congregants who harmonize so off-tune. Tone-deaf... Yes. That is offensive to deaf people. I'm sorry for comparing you to these people with awful voices, Kimberly. Our deaf congregants sing much better than you... Kimberly. Please sit. I appreciate your support of that last statement. They do sound awful... Benjamin signs it and he sounds better than the rest of the conversation. At least his harmonizing doesn't ruin the song... When you have it better than others, don’t show that to them. Don't be a Baal Gayva. Be on the people’s level. Rashi quotes Taanit 10b, “Why do you make yourselves seen before the children of Yishmael and Esav as if you have plenty?!” For this kind of behavior, will lead to envy and ill will. Now. I know nobody in this shul has anything to show off. I've seen your homes. You all have it very bad. I see your lawns. It’s depressing... Your lawn only looks good now because of the snow... "I understand they were running out of food too. But don’t show them you are OK." Sometimes you have to look bad too. Like one of our congregants... Your harmonizing is not showing off. It's just offensive. When you have the big house, people will hate you... You go to New York. New Jersey. Everybody has to show off what they have. Yaakov asks, “Why do you make yourself conspicuous?!” Truth is the statement has nothing to do with going to get provisions. The Jewish way is one of modesty... I know it’s not. But it is. Jews should not show off... Why? Because Yaakov says it. Do I need more proof?! How much proof does this congregation need for every little thing... It's my parking spot, because it says "Rabbi's spot"... I see little Samantha showing off her Chanukah gifts. That’s not what Jews do. Unless if it’s one of those electric ride-ons. You get one of those, you show it off to everybody. And you don’t share... Because those are awesome. Being seen is not always good, especially when it’s our shul. We all saw what happened in the inter-shul basketball league... There’s a reason our shul sticks to Davening... Of course Marcie is happy not being noticed. She didn’t get any gifts. She has nothing to show off. She doesn’t have to thank people for giving her something she didn’t want... You’re going to flaunt a new scarf with Dreidels on it?!... For some reason, I will not be wearing my gifts. I got gifts and I am disappointed. Marcie is happy and she doesn't have to worry about people being offended that she didn't give them anything they didn't ask for... A gift is something I made a point of not buying. I had to write thank yous... Because I didn’t give them gifts. It’s either a gift or a thank you for something I didn’t want... Money. That makes sense. The one time to flaunt money is when giving a gift... What has Mark ever flaunted, other than his Lincoln Navigator... It’s a hearse. A little respect for Mark. He’s a great funeral director. He shows to all the shuls, because he understands that you go to shul for business. You’ve got to drum it up. Our shul is not the only synagogue where people die... Of course he spends his time talking to the old people... Marty. You ruined the Chanukah party last week. Nobody thought that could be done. But you made it worse than the sisterhood... Showing off your ability to down whiskey in front of the families... Marty seen at an event makes it bad. I am sorry for Shlomo’s Kabalat Shabbat. There is no Chanukah tune other than Al HaNisim or the lighting songs... Lecha Dodi to Al HaNisim... You did Kedusha to Al HaNisim too. We need another Chanukah song... I know you tried changing it up, but you got caught at Lo Teyvoshi and right back to Al HaNisim. You didn’t show off your ability to sing. Or to pick tunes. Very modest. Nobody is jealous of your singing... They were bothered by it... You only do the lighting songs for lighting. Because it's Mutar to do Chanukah carols around the Menorah... There are times to be seen, and that is when you need to be with the people. Show up to the memorial service, you selfish pieces of... You don't show off at memorial services. Marty and Bernie should not be seen... Bernie. They said "thank you for coming" right when you got there, because they wanted you to leave. It was like they were saying, "Thank you for coming. Now please go." You have to join. But you have to sometimes not let yourself be known. Be part of the people... My grandmother would say, “Don’t let them know how much money you have.” She always looked good. Made herself up. She was sick as anything. Nobody ever knew. She always had jet black hair. She was born with jet black hair and she went to Olam Haba with jet black hair... She could've been two-hundred. Jet black hair... It was always status quo. Going on a vacation. Status quo. Going to shul. Status quo. Going to get a heart transplant. Status quo... Don't bring attention to yourself. Only to your hair... You join in the community struggles and care for others. The point is don’t show your selfishness, and you might end up being a good person... I know you're selfish. If you cared about us, you wouldn't sing. Please just don't sing... We have enough troubles. Keep your struggles to yourself. Don’t ruin Kabbalat Shabbat for us with your inability to figure out how to fit Al HaNisim to a Tefillah. Don’t share your messed up family pictures from your vacation Don’t buy your messed up gifts that you had to find on sale because you’re poor... I am saying to be humble... Not when you give gifts... "Why do you make yourself be seen?" "Titrau." With an Aleph. "Titrau" with an Ayin means "make yourselves bad." The Torah doesn’t say that. Yaakov's children were not part of the Markowitz family. The Torah writes it with an Aleph. Even so, we can learn something... If you listened, you could learn something... We can learn that when you make yourself be seen, you make yourself bad. Being seen. A desire to be seen. To show off. That makes yourself bad. "Titrau" with an Ayin... I request you don't sing. Were Yaakov's sons singing? I don't know. Maybe they were wearing nice clothes, showing they had a lot of food, and harmonizing in front of the Yishmaelim. Maybe it's your harmonizing. That is where antisemitism is from... The reason nonJews hate our congregants is pure hatred. Nothing to do with money... You drive disgusting cars. You have nothing to show... You can't show off a KIA. Sharing Latkes with them would not help the situation. There are not enough Latkes to share. And the sisterhood did a very bad job with them... They would hate us for bad food. Our shul is not gloating with Latkes. If you're going to give a gift, make it money... Gifts are Asur because of Maarat Ayin. You see the package. You see the bad. You think it's going to be good. Then you open it and notice that Bracha found a sale... Rivka's Rundown Definitely not enough Latkes at the party. Crazy amounts of Sufganiahs, and nobody eats them. Maybe there were very few Sufganiahs, but nobody eats them. I can't tell you. One person ate the Sufganiahs and said they make you fat. So, nobody else ate them. After looking around, I just assumed that every member in the shul was eating them all year. The deaf congregants thanked the rabbi for letting the hearing congregants know how much better the deaf members sound than them. One deaf congregant said, "It's so painful. Every time they sing my hearing aid starts buzzing." The sisterhood truly didn’t make enough Latkes. I have a feeling they were taking Yaakov’s lesson to heart and making sure nobody had anything. They had nothing to show for. Just people asking why there were no Latkes at a Chanukah party. The rabbi gave a class on how Latkes started with the Chashmonaim, who created french fries. He didn't have sources. But he had a lot of intuition. I believe he said it was Ruach HaKodesh. He's been using the spirit of holiness to explain a lot of Jewish history and our traditions the past few weeks. I think he just got sick of looking up the sources. He was using the statement, "We learn this from Chazal." But he stopped using that when people asked him where that source of the rabbis was. Now that people have found a way to argue with the source of Chazal, he's went to Ruach HaKodesh. We got killed in the Chanukah basketball tournament. I have a feeling our shul is more religious. It seems like these other shuls keep in shape. We need another Chanukah song. These guys think that every Tefillah works with Al HaNisim. I must have sung Al HaNisim in seventy different forms this past week. Gifts are a pain. The rabbi suggested we get rid of the idea of gifts on Chanukah. To quote, "To bring joy to Chanukah, you give nobody a gift." The rabbi truly wants more gifts. Just in the form of money. He noticed that nobody was catching that message, so he banned gifts. By Sunday, the rabbi realized you can't get away without gifts on Chanukah, because the malls have Santa. How Santa is now affecting Chanukah gifts is something the rabbi explained based on Ruach HaKodesh. So, the rabbi started a Chanukah gift registry business for next year. He said that if you get people stuff they can't afford, it's appreciated. So now, for Chanukah you have to buy people dishwashers and fridges. Mark pops in every few months just in case the old members forget he can do their funeral. I am happy the rabbi finally called out the selfish Jews who just take. It’s the same people that take all the Kichel at Kiddish. They take the Kichel and flaunt their plate. I am happy our community is finally coming together for our nation. At least a quarter of the community showed up. The others didn’t show for religious reasons. They said Ruach HaKodesh told them they didn't have to go to the memorial service. I think the rabbi has to define who's allowed to use Ruach HaKodesh. Me and my husband went for a movie and we came back to find the babysitter had her friends over at our house. She said that Ruach HaKodesh said she should eat our leftovers with her friends, and pay her by the hour. Tags:
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And nobody is questioning why the toddler is lighting the Chanukiah. (photo: jewishboston.com)
My Talmidim have been asking me about what to expect at shul Chanukah parties. I did my research. They are all the same. I was at another shul and this is what I saw at the Chanukah party at Temple Breet. The same stuff they had at my shul. They also had a Chinese auction and no Chinese people.
I saw it at my shul, and I saw it here. Here is what to expect. Questions People will ask you questions. Like where you are from, why you haven’t shown up to shul, and why you are single and not good enough for their granddaughter. Sometimes they're asking for security reasons. I don't know what not being attractive, and having a pathetic job, have to do with the safety of the congregation. Even so, they will ask you why you're single. They will also ask how you make a living. And that they will ask if you can make a living that way. The first question is there so that they can ask why you're not a doctor. Which is the only way you can truly make a living. Kids Crying Kids crying is the centerpiece of the shul Chanukah party. There will be kids getting mad they didn't get the prize they wanted. Go expecting to see your child crying, because she didn’t win Chanukah Barbie. The Barbie edition where she puts on fifteen pounds from eating Sufganiot. The children want this and they will cry if they don't get it. Enjoy the experience of children crying. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a kid cry because they didn't win an eraser. Dreidel There will be a Dreidel competition. Do not play Dreidel with the youth expecting to make money. And don't chase your losses. I have been to Gamblers Anonymous and I've met many Dreidel addicts. It all starts with chasing your losses. Chaim keeps on landing on the Gimel. Let it be. These little Dreidel sharks will take you for everything. They learn this stuff at school. In class they're building Chanukiahs with slabs of wood and nuts, and they're learning how to land on the Gimel. If you have my luck gambling, you will lose every chocolate coin you ever earned. A Guy with Candy A candy man. A creepy guy who loves kids and loves to give them candies. And he smiles a lot. Don't worry. He's a good guy. May not be allowed back at the Chanukah party next year. But he's a good guy. Too good of a guy. He's too nice to people. And that scares the parents. A Shul Band There will be a shul band. If you're lucky, they worked on the Dreidel song this year. If not, they shall be playing the Dreidel song in the G chord again. That's what they worked on. They have that chord down. That is the song they will be singing. G chord. Half of the performance will be watching the Gabai and the other members of the band, who Daven together, trying to tune the guitar. How do you get accepted into the band? You show up to Minyin. People Singing There will be people who think they can harmonize. And you will have to hear it. If nobody is singing, they harmonizers will break out a song. And there will be no melody. Thank Gd there aren't too many Frum Chanukah songs. Just Al HaNisim. A lot of Al Hanisim singing. We repeat that one. So, get Al HaNisim down. We've worked on holiday songs for other holidays. Chanukah is just Al HaNisim and a bunch of stuff reform people sing. One of the harmonizers will start singing one of the English songs, as they converted recently and still enjoy caroling. Chanukah caroling is what they love about Judaism. I suggest you watch out for the harmonizers. There are many of them. Usually, they talk in an elegant voice. If you hear somebody enunciating, move to a different table. Anything about their youth in a choir, do not stay. Somebody brings up how much they love Aaron Neville, run. Latkes and Sufganiot Got to have Sufganiot and Latkes. Why? Because there is oil in them, and somehow, the Menorah in the Temple stayed lit with fried potatoes with applesauce, and a jelly doughnut. Our history is important. Latkes are the Chanukah falafel to the Israeli event. They don't do the Israeli deserts at Israeli events. They would have baklava at every Israeli event, but nobody can clean that stuff up. And they don't need to add a cleanup committee to the other five Israel committees. I am sure the Maccabees did not have Sufganiot. They never have enough jelly and they Mashmin. If you hear any Hebrew on Chanukah from an Israeli at the shul, it will be "Sufganiot make you fat." No Chanukah party ever have enough Sufganiahs. Yet, there are always leftovers. Another Chanukah miracle left out of the Book of the Maccabees. Kids Running Kids will be running around. I don't think the little guys know what's going on. They're just at shul again, and that means running. And you will not find their parents. Yet another Chanukah miracle. How kids make it to shul without parents. A Bouncy House It's a community event. Therefore, there will be a bouncy house. This is Jewish tradition. In the times of the Greeks, the kids would've never played Dreidel if they didn't have bouncy houses. You should not jump in the bouncy house. There is no age limit written on it, which makes it quite confusing for the forty-five-year-olds who want to have a good time. And again, that was not fair to the candy man. If he would've known, he would not have been rolling around the bouncy house. Mincha Minyin In the middle of the event. That's how Frum Jews celebrate. We go to events to catch Minyin. Is there any place better to find a quorum than shul?! Hence, the Chanukah party at shul. Make sure to bring your Latkes to Mincha. If you don’t, they will be gone. Menorah Lighting A community Chanukah Menorah lighting will take place. This gives the kids something to run around. The Chanukiah lighting is a chance for the harmonizers to harmonize to whatever is going on in their head, and for the band to play the G chord. I guess there are a couple more songs. At the Chanukiah ceremony, you will sing Maoz Tzur. And then everybody will break into their Hanerot Halalu. They will commit to their Hanerot Halalu, thinking their’s is the only Hanerot Halalu. And they will be convinced the other people are singing the same song. And this is what harmony does. Oh. How our people express themselves with song in a very awkward way. My advice to any beginners is to just go to the party and eat. That's how you fit in. Eat a lot. The more you eat, the more you look like a member of the shul. Again. I suggest you watch out for the singers. They will try to pull you in. Just pray they don't start a dancing circle. If they dance and try to make you join, I apologize. I pray they don't do that to you. Nothing brings more discomfort and awkwardness to a Jewish event than a circle dance. Tags:
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 4:1-412/18/2025 
Laws of Foundations of Torah... All plagiarized from the Rambam
Laws 1-4: Everything is made up of four things and then they die. That is science. Why I needed a whole year of high school chemistry to learn that is an anomaly.
Law 1: Everything comes from fire, wind, water and earth. Everything is formed from that. If you saw Captain Planet, you would know the fifth element is heart. And that is how you save the world. The Rambam didn't have sources like TBS. Just the Gemara. Which is why his facts may not have been a hundred percent correct. Law 2: Fire and wind go up, and earth and water go down. Fire is hottest and dry earth is coldest. Fire is the lightest and earth is the heaviest. These four are the foundations of everything. That all makes sense, until it's in a plane. Modern technology can complicate the study of Torah a bit. Everything has different extrapolations of these four, forming different beings and objects. And this explains how mermaids exist. This explains counterfeit coins. I studied ancient science. Ask me any question of any object and I can tell you the amount of what element is in it. "A cup full of water?" That is made up of a lot of water. The four main elements combine. And they combine in different ways to make different beings. There are some people who just don’t look right. How too much wind can make for huge ears that don't match a face is a study in itself. Some things have more fire, which is why they are warmer. Whereas stones are dry because they have a lot of earth. In some beings you'll see more cold. Like my ex. Law 3: Everything, even gold and rubies, split back to the original values, and separates back to fire, wind, water and earth. To its foundations. So, is it really worth it to invest in gold? Is Mark Levin to be trusted in this case? Law 4: Then why say by man that "to dust you will return." Because most of what he is made of is dust. Everything returns to its original source. Except for my sunglasses and my left glove. I can't find those. I have nice mitten for my right hand. Keeps it very warm. Lesson: You will die. And you will become dust. And I have a mitten made of fire. Tags:
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Announcements
The community lighting program will take place in the park. Chabad is taking more chances this year with the fire safety laws. They decided that the rabbi carrying torches on scaffoldings is not dangerous enough. They want trees around. Marty will be drunk at the community Chanukah party. Thought it would be good to announce that. This year he will be drunk too. There will be a bouncy house. It’s a Jewish holiday. Tradition is very important. There will be a bouncy house and drunk Marty. No more family pictures are allowed to be shared by our membership. This is a Psak from our rabbi. You all look bad. When your families get together and smile, it’s a horrific experience for everybody. To add, nobody wants to see your family smiling. Nobody wants to see your family happy. The rabbi has forbidden the posting of you and your family having a good time on social media. This holiday, keep your pictures to yourself. Nobody wants to see that you were down in Florida. And nobody wants to see you in sweaters. Contemporary Halacha Classes: At What Point Is It Pirsumei Nisah- The Yearly Growth of the Community Chanukah Menorah. The Mitzvah to Get Drunk on Purim and How Marty Thinks Every Holiday Is Purim. The Mitzvah of a Bouncy House at Every Shul Event. How to Get Other People Mad- The Art of Sharing Pictures of Your Family on Vacation. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Happy Chanukah. Bert went down to Florida last week. B"H. It is a Happy Chanukah to all... (Bereishit 38:7) Yehuda's children get killed for spilling seed... It’s rude to drop sunflower seeds in Israel... We’re talking about vacation and sexual promiscuity. Not following the proper way of intimacy. And people like Tamar remind you. It will catch up to you... Women can be evil. Just like Larry. He went on vacation. Met a woman. Got married. And now he has a family. Vacation will mess you up. Bad things happen on the road and they stick... (Bereishit 38:25) As Tamar is being brought to be burned, she sends word to her father-in-law, Yehuda, “I am pregnant by the man to whom these belong.” Now. All the sudden. Nobody has a signet ring. In all of Israel, not one signet. Amazing how everybody is quiet about the signet when there's a child. And she adds, “Whose signet-ring, cloak, and staff are these? Please acknowledge that you are the father.” Catch this. It was Yehuda’s ring and cloak. And like a kind man, he decides that they don't have to burn her... Women will remember stuff. That is the lesson... Acknowledging you are the father is a hard thing in this shul. We all see little Yanky. An embarrassment. I get it. None of you want to acknowledge these are your kids. They’re messed up. (Bereishit 38:26) Yehuda says it is his. And the twins that come out don’t die so quickly by Gd, like his first ones... No apology. They didn’t say “I’m sorry” back then. They gave cloaks. The lesson from Yehuda is to be honest. And never give up your signet-ring, cloak or staff... Your bad catches up with you. And that is why you shouldn’t have fun on vacation... On vacation, you should be learning Torah. You go to Disney World. That’s how you celebrate Chanukah. Now you're paying two-hundred dollars for a picture with Minnie Mouse... I am trying to say, as you go on your vacation, do not enjoy it. I came out here. I thought the job interview was a bit of a vacation. Now. I’m stuck... You pay for your vacations. You get caught when you take things for granted. Yehuda's kids took their progeny for granted, as did Yehuda. When you take your responsibilities for granted and don't take ownership of them, that is when you are cursed. When you don't fess. I have not seen any fessing around here... You need to fess more... Chabad takes responsibility for lighting huge Chanukah Menorahs... It’s fine to light with a candle, unless if you’re Chabad. It’s Chabad tradition to use torches and bonfires in the Chanukiah. They have more faith than you... I know lighting Chanukiahs around trees is dangerous. But Chabad is spreading the light of our people. And for that the Chabad rabbi take chances. They take chances for what they believe in. Something Yehuda didn't do. And he was brought to justice for it... I know he’s not a builder, but he was up in a scaffolding lighting last Chanukah... The Menorah is now up to forty feet tall. It grows around a foot every year... Of course we can find the Menorah. It's huge. We know that belongs to the community... Don't give anybody your Chanukah Menorah, or they will claim it is your child. Being drunk is where it starts. You’re drunk. You make a mistake... Dumb decisions. Like our sisterhood serving potato waffles... It's pancakes, Sharon. Latkes are potato pancakes. What happened to tradition in this place?!... I need to be honest, so we can have some morality and a future of good children. Like Peretz and Zerach... Not kids in our shul. Yehuda and Tamar's kids. Has anyone in our shul named their child Peretz or Zerach?... Exactly. That's why things are messed up here, and nobody takes responsibility. And the kids don't clean up after themselves... Well. That's the party. That’s the shul Chanukah activity. Marty being drunk... Marty being drunk is shul tradition. There will also be prizes for the kids... OK. Call it Chanukah gifts. I don’t call the Chinese finger lock thing a gift. It’s a prize... You give somebody a finger cuff thing and a fake nail through the finger, or a kazoo as a gift, and they will not want to be Jewish. They will convert to another religion for the holiday. One that gives better gifts... Of course there will be a bouncy house. It’s a holiday. We have tradition here... We cannot keep Marty out of the bouncy house... Then you share your vacation pictures. And people hate you... Vacations are an issue. You see what happened to Yehuda... Did he share pictures of his signet ring?!... There would've been more problems for Yehuda if he shared signet pictures. No family pictures anymore... You all look off. People see pictures of your families smiling and... Nobody wants to see your family happy, Chani... If you’re always so happy, why is it that you’re always screaming at each other at shul... You bother people with your vacation pictures. Take responsibility for being decent to others, and not posting your family smiling in the "Schwartz" T-shirts... Marty in the bouncy house is a mistake. And taking a picture of it ruined our shul's reputation. It's the signet ring our shul doesn't need. But we have to take responsibility for our members... Bracha happens when we take responsibility. Raise our kids right. Which is why there is no Bracha on the board. We have to take care of the next generation... Not with bouncy houses or drunk Marty. Not with annoying pictures... A nice Chanukah candle lighting in the house is a good way to do this. See the importance in your progeny. Take pride in your work. And get them off the Bima for crying out loud. I'm giving a speech. Whose one is this one?... Pick her up and take her out... Yes. Not having your four-year-old in the sermon is the proper thing to do. And no pictures... I don't know if you take Shabbis pictures. A bunch of heretics here... Acknowledge your mistakes. Take responsibility for Yanky... It is then that we can have redemption. That people can be saved from evil. Once you are honest. Acknowledge how you've wronged your rabbi... If you don’t, the women will remember what you did. They’ll remind you. Point is be careful on vacation. You might have kids. And you might have to acknowledge they’re yours... You can’t run away from them at Disney World. They have cameras... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi got out a lot about his wife in the Drasha. Yet, he then thanked her for making him accountable. And as he was accountable, they went on a vacation together for Chanukah. Got out of town. Took his family to Disney World. Took pictures. He said she made him. I have never seen somebody so happy to not see Bert. After the sermon, the rabbi had to explain to everybody that learning Torah is fun. To quote the rabbi, "I was just saying you guys don't find it fun... Then have your face show it. Maybe smile every once in a while." There was something in there about baby fathers and Yehuda living in a low-income community. The rabbi tried bringing the idea of vacation into shul, so people would be happy. He called it "Shacharit Vacation." You come to shul on Shabbis morning as a vacation from your regular life. It turns out there is no sun in the shul in December. And it turns out, nobody posts social media of themselves at shul. Why? Because their families don't smile at shul. The rabbi made us have a second Chanukah party on Sunday to redo the depressed shul feeling. It was really just a meet up for a shul portrait with some Latkes. Everybody had to line up at the Chanukah party, standing sideways and smile. It was not easy. Our congregants are not good at standing sideways. We're the only Jewish people in the world that take Simcha pictures standing straight. Looking straight at the camera. You could see how awkward it was. The board made an executive decision to not post the picture. To quote, "I have never seen such unhappy people." For the next shul party they've decided to bring in a beach. After researching the social posts of our membership, they said the bouncy house is fun, but the beach seems to bring our congregants smiles. They're going to have the bouncy house on the beach next time. They just haven't thought it through yet. Always need a bouncy house. It’s part of Jewish tradition for every holiday in our shul. Latkes and a bouncy house. Purim is Hamentashen and a bouncy house. Sukkot, the Sukkah is a bouncy house. The shul Chanukah party is not a place I would take the family. Forget about Marty being drunk. The gifts are so bad. I got a bathroom spray and shampoo. It's not gifts. It's prizes. I think the flyer should say that. Like the rabbi said, "Prizes... and your children won't want to convert." If it was prizes, I would've enjoyed it. Gifts are a gesture I have to repay. Something somebody put thought into. If they put thought into a nail through the finger, I am not happy. I get a nail through the finger prize, I'm good. It's like a trophy. A very cheap trophy. I’m always worried about our community Chabad rabbi when he lights and takes chances at such extreme heights. Four years ago, he lit on a tightrope. Walked on a tightrope to the Chanukiah, holding a torch. It was definitely a community miracle, as our Chabad rabbi is now eighty-five years old and uses a walker. So, the rabbi Asured vacation. He said his trip to Florida is not a vacation, but a necessary tour. He even called it a "furlough." He views his job as a military operation. His assignment is to stay away from congregants. Nobody can stand the happy family pictures. It’s the worst part of the holiday. “Look at them. On vacation. No wonder we didn’t see them in shul." We are now teaching our children to keep their pictures to themselves. They are attacking each other. But at least they're not sharing their pictures on Instagram. Tags:
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Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 13:7) teaches that one must work with all their energy, as it says by Yaakov Avinu (Berishit 31:6) “With all of my strength, I served your father.” Somehow, there is no Mitzvah to complain about your boss. Nothing in the Rambam says to complain about having to work. Why he left that tradition out… This is why you never hire kids nowadays. They're lazy.
And you don't support your daughter marrying a son-in-law who doesn’t take out the trash or help around the house. Lavan would've never put up with that. And you must be careful to not steal from your boss or neglect any of your work. It says nothing about pens. (Pirkei Avot 5:10) “One who says ‘what’s mine is mine and yours is yours’ is a regular person.” That sounds right. Regular people say stupid stuff. And they don't like to share their toys. Adults have a very hard time playing LEGO with eachother. “And some say it’s the Sodom character trait.” Point, your not sharing Sunkist fruit gems destroys. Like Sodom, you’re selfish. You don’t invite people to your house. You don’t give to the poor. And you take all the choolante meat at Kiddish. Sorry. I was just at a Bar Mitzvah. It’s the “all about me” attitude. And that’s how regular people are. Regular people never share their gummies. And that’s why Sodom got destroyed. And that dad was right for armbaring the kid who didn’t share the Bar Mitzvah fruit gem bags. Lesson of Love: By sharing your Paskesz, you can save the world. And Shmuli's dad won't hurt you. (Bereishit 32:33) Since the angel struck Yaakov in the thigh, “Bnei Yisrael can’t eat the Gid Hanashe.” And now there’s another cut of meat we can’t have. Thank Gd the angel didn't hit Yaakov in the brisket. We would be left without any Yom Tov dinner. Rambam (Hilchot Megilah vChanukah 3:11) teaches that it’s customary in many places to repeat the verses at the end of Hallel. Saying each of them twice. And ever since, every Jewish song repeats its sentences. This way the words rhyme. It's the law. Tags:
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The mall, ensuring that they allow the Jewish children to enjoy the full Chanukah experience.
Do not go to the mall for your Chanukah experience. I was walking through the mall, got home, and I found myself humming songs about mistletoe. And that was in August. That seems to be when they start celebrating Christmas.
I was shopping for Chanukah. Not fun when you have to buy stuff for family. And I realized I can't enjoy shopping for Chanukah in the malls of Upstate New York. There is nothing Jewish, other than Christmas songs written by Jews. You can't have a Jewish experience shopping. They have taken over every store. Even the CVS logo now is red and white. It's all Christian. They decorate the mall with every Christmas reef and pine tree, and red pair of socks they can find. Then you see a Chanukah night light they found at the Dollar Tree. Stores are decked out in red and white, and a tiny Chanukiah in the corner. A little electric Chanukiah, just in case the lights on the Christmas tree go out. Got their huge tree and a Chanukiah ornament for the Jews, to let the Jews know they can shop at JCPenney. Christians deck. They deck out the whole area. Decking halls. Jews, we place. We have been relegated to the placement of an electric Chanukah Menorah. Don't take the kids to the mall for the holiday experience. It turns out Santa is not Jewish. That was a shocker the first time I found that out. It's called Ma'arat Ayin. He’s got the beard, but then he's got the red hat. That should've been a dead giveaway right there. It might have been because I was used to the Chabad rabbi with the Tefillin in that spot at the mall. The mall will try to do a lot of stuff to make the holidays good for all. And that means that Santa will also let Jewish kids sit on his lap. How Santa gets away with that?! Our rabbi once shook a kid's hand and got fired. I for one don’t consider it a Chanukah experience to have our children lighting a Chanukiah night light with Santa and his elves, on Santa's recliner. And then he gives the Jewish kids gifts too. On his recliner?! He’s creepier than the candy man at our shul. It’s called proselytizing. They even claimed candy canes. You can't even even eat candy now without being a heretic. Nothing for your Jewish kid to enjoy. Nothing blue. All red. The mall is all Christian stuff and a blue snow cone. If you're lucky. And they probably don't sell those during the Christmas season. Which starts in July. They can't even give us Chanukah. We can't get eight days. Just eight days. Still hearing the Christmas songs on the radio. The mall is blasting Christmas songs. And the Jews now write these songs now. Might as well write the songs. "If you can't beat them, make money off them." That's what I say. They start playing the Christmas songs half a year in advance. Thanks to Mariah Carey they now have enough songs. "Twelve Days of Christmas." Their song should be "Twelve Months of Christmas with Mariah Carey." It's Chanukah and they're celebrating Christmas. They're offended if you wish them a Happy Hanukah. Even leaving out the "Chet," they get offended. You have to say "Happy Holidays" on Chanukah, a month before Christmas. And shopping for the kids isn't fun. For some reason, I don't like spending all of my money. My advice. Don't go shopping. Don’t buy your kids anything. If there is one thing that ruins the holiday, it’s going broke on a new gaming console. For some reason, something that can make your kids feel so good can make your feel so bad. And now that Christmas Tree Shops went out of business. I can't go anywhere to get my Chanukah stuff. The best place you could find in Upstate New York to find Chanukah decorations was the Christmas Tree Shops. And now that it's gone, I have to ask Santa to help me get some Chanukah gifts. I expected to see something Jewish at the mall. Nothing. The closest thing I saw was a two for one sale at Kohl's. And that was at a strip mall. Santa doesn't sit at strip malls in Upstate New York. After the first four months of Christmas, it gets to cold outside. Can't even buy clothes. I wanted a sweater. They've cornered the sweater market. All Christmas. Even the Chanukah sweater was a Christmas sweater. A woven Christian Chanukiah. I can't buy anything knitted till after the first of January. And then I was thinking of sending my friend a holiday card. Nope. Can't do that either. No Chanukah cards. Just Christmas cards. Nothing. Everywhere. They're even wearing the hats in November. In November now. They encroach on us. Can't give us anything. Christmas is supposed to be one day. And the Santa hats don't even keep you warm. I was trying to find Chanukah candles. That's what led to this. I needed Chanukah candles. Couldn't find them anywhere. Not even at Wegmans supermarket. Though, the Kosher section had tinsels. Then, I show up at Target. Thank Gd they have all that Christmas stuff there. They had just enough Christmas stuff to be able to justify their Menorah candle bin in the corner, next to the Silly Putty. All I am asking for is eight days to wish people a Chanukah Sameach. The rest of the year, enjoy Christmas. I just want some Chanukah. Something. Everything is red and white. Stop signs. They even have stop signs. Every time I need to slow my car down, I'm reminded of Christmas. For eight days. That's all I ask. Blue and white stop signs for eight days. One song. Even have a Jew write us our song. Something Jewish. Something about Chinese food. Eight days of something other than a Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" and the Dreidel song. Something other than the Dreidel song, which I am sure has something to do with Christmas. With all this, I want to thank Chabad for trying to bring the Chanukah spirit to my shopping experience. Chabad, fighting for the Army of H', brought in one of those huge Chanukiahs. An eighth of the size of the Christmas tree. I know they did, because I peeked behind the tree, pushed aside the branches, and was able to see one of the candles, giving an extra glow to the ornaments. I understand if you can't avoid Christmas. It's everywhere. If you have to, do what you can and make your Christmas at the mall a Chanukah experience. Go to the mall and sit on Santa's lap yourself. When was the last time you sat on a grown man's lap?! Ask Santa to talk to the rabbi about making his sermons shorter. Maybe write a song about deer and snow, and make money. They've claimed snow too. Go shopping in January, during the first month of Christmas, when they have the sales. Make it a positive Jewish experience. Give your kids Chanukah gift cards so they can enjoy Chanukah after Chanukah. And that is how Yeshiva Week began. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: VaYishlach12/7/2025
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We have a gambling issue in the shul. The board seems to be betting on members paying their dues to help support the shul’s electric bills. Odds are we won’t have heat in the chapel this winter. We will not be giving out football cards to the kids anymore. They’re too expensive nowadays. The Gabai apologizes to the parents. To quote, “The shul can’t afford for your children to believe in Gd.” We are coming back with the shul Bingo night. A great religious tradition. One that has inspired many generations of our people. We will not be hosting Chumash class anymore. The board voted and it turns out that Bingo is more inspirational. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Will Congregants Pay Their Dues- A Class in Bookmaking and Working Odds. How To Teach Your Children Without Baseball Cards and Other Impossible Tasks. The Jewish Tradition of Bingo in the Gaonic Period. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... When you’re satisfied with who you are you can have peace. Which is why everybody in this shul is so tense... None of you are comfortable with who you are. Always looking at Melanie's hats... The huge ones. Be happy with you are and your pathetic little derbies. Esav sees his brother and is overtaken by emotion... He cried. He wasn’t a board member who is ice cold and has no care for their rabbi. (Bereishit 33:9) Upon Yaakov insisting Esav takes his gifts Esav responds, “I have plenty. Achi. Let what is yours be yours.” And to this day, we Israelis refer to each other as Achi. My brother. And to this day, that is how you get somebody to buy hats and sunflower seeds from you... We are happy with what our brothers have. Especially when they invite you for dinner and they have brisket. Esav was content. Didn’t need to feel hatred. He was happy with himself. He is fine seeing someone else's success. Not like Simon who curses people when they do the Mishebeyrachs for all their family members... I understand some of their families are too big and it takes way too long for them to get out all the names. And the Kugel gets cold... Cursing them is fine. You’re right... Hating gifts is what allows for peace and love. You all expect gifts and then Chanukah comes and you get gifts, and you're mad, because the gifts are real bad... Esav was thinking, "All he gives me is a herd..." The problem is you’re not happy with who you are and what you have. And that is why you are always fighting over the armrest. Can the shul be happy with what it has? Can we be happy seeing other people’s success? Can we be happy with Shloimi’s new fedora... Well stop talking about it Simcha. I see you cursing out his new hat every moment. During the Amidah you were saying, “Gd. Please strike down his new hat. I hate him and I hate the feather.” And Fran’s new hat is also ugly as sin... Who in this shul has plenty??? Well. Bernie. Nobody sees it... Because you share none of it with us. You... Achi!!! You’re gambling with the shul... I don’t know what to do. But depending on Harry for heat is not a good idea... And we are cancelling the shul casino night... Giving out baseball cards is how you get kids to love Gd. Other than that, I’m at a loss. I say pull the kids from Jewish day school. There’s no hope... Take them Comic-Con and they will be religious. Learning Rashi has never brought a kid closer to Gd... Giving out baseball cards was a great tradition. But. Who can afford it now? I can’t even afford to go to a game... Football cards are expensive too. Baseball cards is what you call football cards... How their parents can afford to buy them cards, I have no idea... A pack of cards is half of dues. Have you seen these packs. Two cards and fifty dollars. Then you got to send in a decent card to get it graded, for thirty dollars. So, you get back a four-dollar card you spend eighty dollars on, and the kid will only believe in H' if you buy him another pack... If the Gabai would work overtime, he would be able to afford it. It’s on him. He doesn’t care about Chinuch... Jewish education is the chance of getting an Aaron Judge. A Patrick Mahomes. Or an ulcer if you're the parent buying it... It's about Shalom. When you buy people stuff. When you give, there can be peace... Barbies are also too expensive. We don't think our shul will be making any good Balabastas. And this is why there is no Shalom in the shul. Nobody can afford anything... Bingo is how you get adults to love Gd. At least people show up for Bingo. Minyin, not so much... Calling out "Bingo" is a religious thrill... Of course, Bingo is Mutar. It’s not gambling if the money is going to shul... We host Bingo for religious reasons. Have you ever heard anyone yell out "Bingo"? It’s inspired. The Divine has come through them. Emanating into the world through that card. Has anybody ever gotten that feeling from understanding the Pshat in a Gemara... Everybody, right now, say it with me, “BINGO!!!!” I can feel it. Can I get a "Bingo!" Yes. One more time. From the congregation... Bingo jealousy is wrong. It makes for a noncommunal event... Menachem will always lose. Accept that. And be happy for others. Find the "let what is yours be yours" inside of you. And we can find brotherhood in this shul... Achi!!! Yaakov's brotherhood is found in his belief. (Bereishit 33:11) Yaakov sees it all as coming from H’. We are going to need Gd’s help, because none of you support the shul... Yaakov says, “Please take my blessings that I have brought for you, for H’ has been gracious to me, and I have everything..." He may not have everything. But he doesn't have a board. And that is a blessing. Are you content enough to cry?! It is contentment that brings Shalom, and an electric bill that gets paid for. It's contentment that allows you to pay the mortgage... That may bring tears. Wherever it comes from, if you are content, if you are happy with who you are and not Rachel the shul president, you can have peace. You can express emotion. You can be vulnerable. You can cry. It's about hating gifts. It is that one who hates gifts who is content and ready for Shalom... No. The shul loves gifts. The shul needs gifts to pay for heat. And to give the rabbi a raise... So your rabbi can be content... Not getting a raise can also make one cry... The lesson is Bingo. Bingo is a more important tradition to our people than learning... Even more important than baseball cards. Bringing generations together... Be it wealth or belief in H'. We must find kindness and giving in our hearts. The point is to be happy with what you have. Even if you can't yell out "Bingo." To have that kind of true happiness, where you can cry with others. A Shalom where you can be honest and let Shloimi know how annoying that feather in the hat is... Feathers don't belong in hats... Rivka's Rundown I think that feather in the fedora message brought the whole sermon together. The whole shul started calling each other Achi. It felt like I was around a bunch of Arsim. Our congregants are very tense. You can see they don't have Shalom. They don't even say it to each other. Just a bunch of tense angry people who grunt and think somebody else is going to take their armrest. When you don't have an armrest that you know is yours, you're not happy for other people and what they have. Especially when that's your armrest. I'm not going to lie. When Gideon gets up there and goes off for ten minutes with family names after his Aliyah, I'm cursing him out. I wouldn't mind if there were less births in that Mishpuchi. Maybe I mean less family members he cares about. If he chose the family people he loved and just said their names, I would be fine. I can't imagine he loves them all. Especially his oldest daughter. The Achi thing stopped after Kiddish, when people realized they had expenses to pay on their homes. It was a quick lived communal expression of peace. In my shul nobody calls anybody Achi or Achot Sheli. They just curse each other under their breath. The problem is way too much hat jealousy in our shul. Many people had a problem with the rabbi calling people Achi. They had a private meeting with the rabbi. It was an intervention. They had to remind him that he was the rabbi. They also said he couldn't go by Tzachi. When he asked if he could go by Chuck, the intervention team said no. The rabbi insisted that Chuck is an Achi kind of name. It didn't work. The congregants insisted their rabbi be somebody who is not personable. Somebody they could look at and say, "He is not my friend." They also told the rabbi that he shouldn't support people's gambling addiction, even if it makes the shul money. Thanks to the rabbi, the day school folded. It turns out the rabbi is a bitter baseball card collector. He was mad the Gabai stopped giving him cards. People argued that if the casino is in the shul, it should be fine to take people’s money with slot machines. To which the board felt like they were onto something and decided to open a non-for-profit casino. The idea had every happy, knowing that the electric bill would finally be paid. And they all agreed that gambling is wrong, and for that reason, betting that Harry would pay his dues was Asur. Huge arguments were had, until it was decided that slot machines do belong in shul, as people pray at them. In the end, the rabbi agreed that we can restart the shul bingo night. Thank Gd for heat and Bingo. The rabbi turned Bingo into the most religious experience anybody in our shul has ever had. And now we know how to get all Jews to love Gd. Adults is Bingo. Kids is Barbie and cards. And the women's section is to throw out Melanie and Fran's hats. The rabbi's new Kiruv through Cards program is revolutionary. Many shuls are now opting for this over NCSY. All the kids are into collectibles. To quote the rabbi: "Making Frum kids is more important than charity." And for this reason, all money that was given to the shul for the Toys for Tots drive was used to purchase cards for the children of our shul. Who are now much happier than the poor kids. Our congregants are also into collecting Barbies. Records. Matchbox cars. How you light a cigarette with those cars, I still can’t figure out. The shul has planned collectibles show for Gd. Between us, I don't know if it's collectibles or the fact that nobody in our shul likes to throw stuff out. The kids at our shul are now a bunch of hoarders. So, Bingo is Mutar. The only Jewish tradition our community keeps. Shabbat. Not so much. But the casino night and Bingo. The Psak of the rabbi is that it is all fine if the money is going to the shul. They also had a shul person auction. Mutar to auction off people for the shul. Being casino night was banned by the local casino, with concern that money coming out of slot machines would be used for something positive, we are back to simple Bingo night. And to this day, all religious communities agree that Bingo is for religious people. "People of Gd play Bingo." Plans were in for Bingo night. After hearing they had to volunteer, the congregants voted to ban bingo night. It’s on the schedule, so now the crowd comes, runs it themselves. Basically, the congregants come and play the game. Best social event the shul has ever had. It turns out that since the congregants started playing the Bingo, they've been calling more Bingo wins than ever before. The congregants come to shul, smoke and take the shul’s money. And they still don't pay dues. I have suggested that having Bingo in the shul may not be the greatest idea. My membership was revoked. The Bingo Committee said that all members of the shul should be fine with indoor cigarettes and to not be party poopers. One time, they called for Mincha Minyin during the full card play. Everybody booed the Gabai and said he was a bad Jew. I am happy to see that our shul is connecting to one great Jewish tradition. Bingo in the Gaonic Period was a meaningful class. It was so inspirational to hear how Rav Sadia Gaon shouted "Bingo," which inspired a whole town to return in Teshuva. Tags:
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It took Noach 120 years to build the ark. The gopher wood was busy doing stuff for other people. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The wood Noach used was gopher wood. A gofer. It was too busy running errands for other people. If you you're a boss, this one works great. Try to find the errand runner and workshop the pun. Your staff will hate you more. What do you say when eating a leafy vegetable that’s been peppered with a little salt and a dash of citrus? Kale Melach Leemon. (Mordechai) You get it? Instead of Kel Melech Ne’eman, which is said before Shema- when said alone. Kel is Gd’s name but not. It’s Gd’s name pronounced un-in-vain. In this prayer, you spell Gd’s substituted name more phonetically correct to suit the vegetable and the pun. Melach is salt. And Leemon is lemon, for those learning the correct Hebrew word. Or you can maybe just say the Ha’adama blessing, as it’s from the ground. A lot of thought went into this pun. And heresy. How many people died when the fire came down on Sedom? A Lot. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A lot. But this is a Lot. Lot was saved by the angel/s. They spent a Lot of time getting him out of Sedom. I have no idea how a Lot works with a lot. To help, Lot is not pronounced like “lot.” That also doesn’t help the pun. If Keanu Reeves would’ve said this in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, it would’ve work. Those committed to puns will change their accent when needed. It was a family of sinners living in Chevron. All those children of Chet. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Chet means sin. They were the children of Chet. Chet with a “Tet” is sin, but this family is Chet with a “Taf.” So, it is still a pun. But it makes no sense. And this is where puns as educational tools are questionable. It depends on the teacher, and if they are fine with their students not knowing how to spell right. When is it OK to leave on your watch when putting on Tefillin? When you’re strapped for time. (Mordechai) You get it? Tefillin are straps. Strapped for time. How do we know Rachel paid her maidservant? She’d Bilhah. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Bilhah. Bill her. Rachel’s maid was Bilhah. Zilpah didn’t charge Leah. How do we know that? Because she didn’t Bilhah. Thank you. See how I brought that pun back around for you. Why was Yaakov’s name changed to Yisrael? Because he struggled with Gd. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Saritah. Root is “Sar.” He struggled with Gd. Puns are about education at the Kibbitzer Magazine. Sometimes the pun is right there. Deliver it like a pun and it can be a pun. It's all about how you say it. The Torah is full of puns. "He made Sukkot, so he called it Sukkot." Silly Yaakov. The punster. ***Note: Education in the pun world is of paramount importance. We suggest you do much research, and understand your students' literacy level, before using the Chet pun. Tags:
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As a Jew, what is American. That is the question. It was just Thanksgiving, I was just down in Nashville, Tennessee, and I am inspired. I am inspired to talk about what truly is American, and that is The Lower East Side. That’s America.
I've done much soul searching as to my heritage. My Pinte LYid wants to share with you. Join me in becoming a better Jew. Let's spend some time going into detail of what really makes us American. Our Gishmak history and half sour pickles. New York is American. New York Kosher Style pizza is America's main cuisine. Some people who aren't Jewish forget that. They even consider deep dish pizza American. They have no idea what they're talking about. Deli, bagels, lox, pickles and anything else that sounds anti-Semitic when you're talking about Jews. American. Borscht. Schav. Belch Vassar. American. Taking what Americans do, such as burping, and saying it in Yiddish, and then drinking it. That is at the foundations of American life. Pickles out of a barrel is very American. Hollywood. That's America. Movies with intermarriage are very American. Is there any greater feeling than seeing a guy with a Yarmulke on the screen. No. The answer is no. The Borscht Belt. That's American. Naming your activities after a dish your mother made. Oy. How Americans have forgotten their native cuisine. Borscht and entertainment, it doesn't get better than that. Nu!!! Fast food is American. And that means choolante out of a bowl on Thursday nights. Premade. Ready when you get there. It’s the most American thing you can do. Would America exist without Monsey?! Sports are American. Baseball is America’s pastime. But America’s game is stickball. That's what our ancestors played. Trying to hit a pink ball with your mom’s broom is fundamental to our culture. Joy when you reach the second sewer. No greater feeling. Yelling “Game off... Game on,” is American. Traffic patterns as part of the competition. Watching out for oncoming cars is at the root of American athletics. Paper football. Very American. I have never seen kids play that in Israel. It's American. Hot dogs. They sell those in delis. American. Shmatas. The Shmata business. Rags in the form of a $1,500 blazer. Towels as evening wear. Very expensive rags on sale for a lot of money. Where the name comes from? Parents who knew their children would amount to nothing. Your parents belittling your factory because Jewish parents don't believe their kids have any abilities, American. "My kid is pulling in a million dollars in the Shmata business... He hires people who know how to do the work." It is unAmerican to believe your child will accomplish anything. Yet, you are still the greatest. Sales are American. Signs saying "sale." Getting the sales price yelled at you is what they do in other countries. Bloomingdales knew what they were doing. They knew what their people needed. Working in a sweat factory. That is the American dream. For years, Europeans dreamed of coming to America to work in sweatshops. And this is why we feel so bad when we hear that people in other countries get to work in a sweatshop. That's our dream. Blaming Jews is American. Beeping at Jews is American. Yelling "Jew" at people walking to shul is a fun thing to do. And American. Wearing a baseball hat when traveling is American. When done for safety. Freedom is American. And that means government subsidies and the right to hate Jews. Oy. How some forget our traditions. A Shanda. Oy is American. Why? It just is. Being broke is American. Being broke and owning a home with three cars. Complaining. American. Tenements are American. Very American. That evolved to unaffordable housing in Brooklyn. Let’s not forget our tradition. And that is not being able to afford a decent home. Music is very American. Strings, horns, drums. Mordechai Ben David is American. Inspirational holy words of "Nay Nay Nay." Nothing more American, and why the Beatles used those lyrics. Writing commandments for people to follow. Mitzvahs are very important. This is why we have the American Constitution. Restaurants with checkered bathroom tile flooring. Turkey on Friday night after Thanksgiving. Nothing more American than eating turkey on Shabbat. And even more American is eating turkey in deli form. How something is more American than the most American thing is a miracle found in America. A Nes. Now you know what makes for the foundations of the USA. Maybe I'm just a traditional man who loves our Gishmak American heritage. If you were to ask Parker from Nashville, you might get different views of America. But he doesn’t know from the Lower East Side. Speaking English in Yiddish form is American. Tags:
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These love birds at shul, they both had such soft skin. So much Ahava. You get it? Ahava is love. Ahava is a company that sells Dead Sea products like lotions. They had a lot of love and hand cream. Ahava can be used for both. That's how this one works. 
For some reason, I don’t trust the crossing guards. I don’t know what kind of course they took to run traffic... Truthfully, I don’t think they were properly trained in road regulations. I’m afraid that one kid is coming at the other to attack him with the sign.
I have a feeling these third graders are not taking their job seriously. No work ethic. One kid gave up and took off the vest. I’m thinking that your parents should let you cross the street alone, before running crosswalks. 
Click on the picture for tickets to share laughs with David Kilimnick in Jerusalem on Thursday, February 12th
(Shemot 22:4-5) If your animal ruins somebody else’s field or you start a fire, you have to pay. You have to pay for being an idiot that nobody likes. And if you slam your locker at my gym, it’s a Mitzvah to smack you. That's a Psak.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
12/31/2025
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