Announcements
We want to thank the Simkin Mishpuchi for sponsoring Sufganiot by following the Jewish tradition and going to Dunkin Donuts.
 
We will not be hosting a shul Chanukah party due to not wanting to ruin people’s holidays by having to see members of our shul.
 
The community candle lighting was a huge success. We want to express the community sentiment that we’re happy the Chabad rabbi is now safe. Being held up by a harness fifty feet in the air, we’re happy he made it down safely. We’ll be hosting a fundraiser to higher a construction crew to light the Chanukiah next year.
 
Davening will be at 8:30am in the morning for the holidays. The rabbi asks that people show up for Minyin and remain Jewish, even though they have off of work.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin Chanukah with the Wrong Sufganiot: Picking Out Sufganiot Like Morah Betsy with No Jelly. How to Ruin Chanukah by Seeing Congregants. Saving Lives and The Height That Makes a Chanukiah Asur. How to Sleep in and Not Show up for Minyin, Like Our Congregation.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

It’s about blessing. And that comes from connecting to Gd and not seeing congregants. And with that, you don’t suffer. Hence, Yosef called his kids Menashe and Efraim... He wasn't making fun of them. Those were their names. Their excellent names. I call you stupid face, because you're annoying.
(Bereishit 41:51-52). “Menashe for H’ has made me forget all of my suffering.” And Efraim because “Gd has made fruitful in the land of my suffering”... It’s "Amali" and "Aniyi." Different words, but the same meaning according to Artscroll. Suffering... Names have meaning.
Here, at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I called one of my kids Dror, because the shul wouldn’t get me an extra cupboard in my office... I could’ve used another few drawers.
My second kid, I called Max. Because the congregation is the bane of my life.

Two different types of blessings. They're both strength Gd gives us to deal with issues. Congregants. I have not found a way to deal with congregants.
There are two ways to approach issues. One is to forget and one is to tackle them head on. Our board chooses to forget. Which is why we end up with messed up Sufganiot and a leak.

This is what makes Efraim greater... I don’t know how. It’s the tackling. He doesn't avoid the issues. No matter how many congregants he has to deal with, he concurs the pain and makes it a success. I will be hosting classes in my home, to make everything a success.
Approaching hardship head on allows for the opportunity to change good to bad. Kind of like how I took Chanukah in this community made it a point to not see Bernie and made it beautiful. Fruitful in a way...

Artscroll teaches Yosef did not run away from his father. He wanted to do Kibud Av vEim. His brothers barred him from that. Kind of like the shul that bars me from doing Mitzvot. Menashe represents Gd’s help with Yosef dealing with the pain by having something else to thing about... Congregants just add to the pain.
That pain of being estranged was something he had not control over. That kind of pain, you can't make it fruitful. You can push aside and move on that way... What did I do with the Morah Betsy Sufganiot. It was just pain. Very painful...
No. Artscroll is not Rashi. Bernie.

How do we deal with our suffering here? How do we find the blessing? Do we mask it and let people die alone or do we face it straight on and turn it into something beautiful?! I know our congregants don't visit the sick. You haven’t visited Amelia in the Home yet. She’s alone. You should visit and make her cancer beautiful for a day... I am not suggesting Bernie visit. That would just be adding to the suffering.

The shul Chanukah parties are something to forget. Gd granted me that strength so that I can enjoy the holiday and serve this congregation. I do that by forgetting this congregation...
No. We are not having a Chanukah party this year. We don't want anybody to suffer on Chanukah... We had it before Chanukah. I will explain Fran... Well the other shul that is celebrating Chanukah on Chanukah is not Frum. They're not religioios. It's called Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot. You want to be quick to hurry to do Mitzvot. So, our board thought to celebrate the holiday quickly, before the holiday. To do it at the wrong time...

If you would've got Boston cream Sufganiot, like Israelis, I would've enjoyed the holiday. I am asking for better donuts.
Why was there Danish at the Chanukah party last year?... Donuts are not Sufganiot. They’re donuts. There’s a reason they’re called Sufganiot. Because it’s Jewish. Dunkin Donuts makes Sufganiot... Tradition is Boston cream Sufganiot. That is what they ate in the Temple. The second Beit HaMikdash... They didn't eat Sufganiot in the first Beit HaMikdash. In the first Beit HaMikdash they had Danish...

It's a matter of where we see the blessing. We can concur every dealing with the congregation with both modes of overcoming issues.
Sometimes the blessing is in lighting at home... Seeing you on Chanukah ruins my Chanukah...
The community lighting ceremony was off. There is nothing about Chanukah that says a rabbi has to risk his life to light a Menroah... This is why I'm not a Chabad rabbi. I’m too scared of heights... Yes, Fayge. This is why it's called Crown Heights. Very good...
We just hope the Chabad rabbi stays safe being held up by a crane... I don't believe it's a Mitzvah to risk your life to light a Chanukiah. They didn't have Menorah crane lighting in the Beit Hamikdash. Just stairs... The rabbi had to rappel down.

Both ways of dealing are gifts from Gd. When you have the power and strength to deal, you do. When you have support, you can deal. When there is no support, H' sometimes grants you that strength to forget. Which is what I do when I get home every Shabbis. I forget shul. The same way Yosef had to put aside in his head that he is estranged... Being in this shul, I feel I am estranged from my people...
The Minyin has no support. That means you don't show up...
No. We're not doing the late Minyin anymore... Because you guys sleep through that too. And we can't do a late Mincha. That's too late to Daven already...
Before you have an opinion or an issue with it, first show up for Minyin. You took off all week for Xmas and you took off from shul. Yosef would've shown for Minyin...

I don't want to deal. I want to forget. There is no way of making having to see Bernie and Merv at Minyin every day beautiful...
If we had anybody in this shul that was smart enough, I would make him second to me. I would give him the power, like Paroh gave Yosef.
The Gabai is wise. He shall be second to me. Not the Chazin. The president shall be of no importance. The president only causes suffering.

Paroh tells Yosef, (Bereishit 41:44) “And without you, no man shall lift his hand or his foot in all of Egypt.” Paroh had Yosef deal with everything. The same I shall do with the Gabai. People must have permission from my second in command...
Our Gabai has dealt with enough. It's time we listen to his wisdom and allow for us to find that Bracha of salvation. No more giving yourself an Aliyah. You will have to wait for the Gabai to be called to the Torah. You will only be able to open the ark with the Gabai’s approval. You can only get a shul locker if the Gabai says you're showing up for preMinyin aerobics. This is how we shall deal with famine in our shul... That calling yourself for your own Aliyah you all were doing was crazy. We had eighteen people go up for Cohen. All called themselves... There are only two Cohens in the shul, Bernie...
Shmuel. You are an amazing Gabai. No arguing. The great must bear the burden...

With this we can name our kids normal names, like Brian. But only with the Gabais OK...
Next year, we will have a Chanukah party, and I will choose a wise person to run it and get Boston Cream Sufganiot... No purchasing of Sufganiot with Shmuel. My second in command. Traditional apple fritters are up to him.

Sometimes, it's just too painful. And we have to forget. When I get home at night, I forget the congregants... From now on, any issues go to the Gabai. My second in command. He will make it all good...

Rivka's Rundown
I do not believe that people getting up for their own Aliyah without being called constitutes famine.
The rabbi threw all the shul's issues onto the Gabai. That was his way of dealing with the suffering of the congregants. That is what I call throwing under the bus. I think the rabbi is trying to work less.
The rabbi threw himself into Yosef’s issue, blaming us for his suffering. I guess that’s the point of Bereishit. To personalize how annoying your community is.
Congregants are issues. When the Torah speaks of hardship and suffering, H' is speaking of our congregants.

How Max means “bane of life” I don’t know.

The rabbi stopped hosting classes in his house, and started having them back at shul, when the board said they were going to cut his salary. We all suffer at a price.

Sufganiot are donuts. Both are deep fried. Both have jelly. However, Dunkin Donuts does not claim to be Sufganiot. The way most of the people in our community make Sufganiot, Dunkin Donuts doesn’t want to ruin their reputation. Dunkin Donuts is fine being mistaken for Krispy Kreme though.
The board took the Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, hurrying to do Mitzvot, comment by the rabbi to be a compliment. They started doing everything early. The secretary suggested they start doing Shabbat on Thursday. To quote: "It wouldn't be a problem. It would still be Jewish. No other religion celebrates the Sabbath on Thursdays." To which the treasurer said, "We don't know. We were surprised when summertime Ramadan turned was celebrated in the winter."

I think we have to work on our community. When a community doesn’t want to see each other, there’s an issue. When you pay dues and don't want to see those people at a ceremony or celebration, you start to think if this is the right religion.
I believe the rabbi said, "Anything with the words 'community' and 'ceremony' is going to be painful. No joy."

It was scary to see the Chabad rabbi up so high. One light went out. The whole community insisted the rabbi not go back up to light it. They called in a construction crew to relight it.
These Chabad rabbis risk their lives to publicize the miracle. They didn’t have construction crews lighting the Menorah, or harness belts, in the Beit Hamikdash. There’s a point where it’s too much. Maybe have a community slab of wood nuts made by the nursery school Chanukah Menorah. I think the rabbi was competing with the Topeka Xmas tree. He saw the Christians get eight stories, a scaffolding and clean windows. Jews should too.

People take off of work and they take off Judaism. Vacation is vacation.
The congregants were not happy about the late Shacharit Minyin for the week of Xmas break. To quote Baruch: "Shoot. Now we have to go."
I don't think Jewish day schools should have Xmas break. They tried having Chanukah at a different time of year, but it falls out around Xmas. I asked the Gabai and said we can't change Chanukah.

Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... Teaching that you can't repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
 
(Devarim 24:5) First year of marriage man must be there for his wife to delight her. Then reality sets in. She’s happy when he’s gone.
“When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out in the army.” After the first year, he goes out to battle. It’s better than fighting in the home. Which happens after the first year.
 
(Shabbat 21a) Lighting Chanukah candles is until people finish walking home from the Shuk. Which nowadays is 3am Thursday night... That’s when the parties finish in the Shuk on Thursday nights- you get it.
 
People wanted to know when Chanukah candles are lit. You light them on Chanukah. The fact we have to explain this. You don't light them on Sukkot. I can keep going with this joke...
You should light them from nightfall. If it's Shabbat, you light the Chanukah candles before the Shabbat candles. The Chanukah miracle is not greater than the miracle of Salatim on Challah. Olive oil poured on Chumus Yerushalmi is more miraculous.

Make your Chanukah more meaningful with song. Inherently educational, here are some of the newer Chanukah songs for you, and some explanation to bring that extra meaning and joy to your holiday, when the gifts don't pan out and you end up getting knitted socks.
We will stay away from the Hallel and Al HaNisim, as those are the songs we were initially expected to sing when the rabbis implemented the holiday. Which means most Jews don't know them anyways.

Chanukah Oh Chanukah
"Chanukah Oh Chanuka come Light the Menorah." Love the song, because it tells you what to do. Some Jews forget to light the Chanukiah (Chanukah Menorah). They start singing the song, and they're thinking, "I have to light the Menorah.  We should play Dreidel and eat Latkes." And then they start dancing the Horah around the table.
It might be awkward to dance around the table, but if you're going to dance around the table as a Jew, it should be the Horah. It's more meaningful than doing the Bachata around Sufganiot. Bachating doesn't bring the Jewish meaning to the holiday.

Educational Songs
"I Had a Little Dreidel I Made it Out of Clay." Amazing and educational. Before this song people were making Dreidels out of hay. Hay doesn't spin.
Many have asked why they weren't making the Dreidels out of cloth. That's because cloth doesn't rhyme with play.
"Svivon" is a great song. Svivon is a Dreidel in Hebrew. It goes around, so you turn around. The dance mimicking the Dreidel movement to exemplify the song, Amazing. If you see children spinning around on Chanukah, it's only because they're connecting with the Chag.
"Chanukah Chag Yafe Kol Kach." Chanukah is a beautiful holiday. Sometimes I forget Chanukah is a beautiful holiday. I take the snow for granted and call it joyous.
I'm a big fan of the Hebrew songs. I feel more connected to the Maccabees when I sing in Hebrew. I know they weren't singing "I Had a Little Dreidel" in 163BCE. They were definitely singing "Svivon Sov Sov Sov. Chanukah Hoo Chag Tov." The Dreidel goes around. It's a great holiday. Just a factual song. No need for explanation.
If Hebrew is hard, I suggest you NayNay these Hebrew songs and call it a day. There's no reason to learn a whole language for a couple of songs. Chassidim for centuries have refused to learn Hebrew, opting for the lyrics of NayNayNay.

Xmas Songs
If it wasn't for Christmas, how would Jews enjoy Chanukah.
There is always the Xmas songs. The radio plays them for Chanukah. Written by Jews, the Xmas truly bring out the holiday feeling, capturing the feeling of snow. Not something they captured when writing the "Hallel" and "Svivon Sov Sov.”

Don't Learn Laws From Songs
Be wary when singing songs. If you want to truly practice Chanukah correctly, you should learn the Code of Jewish Law, and read a cookbook. If you want to bake a Dreidel correctly, I don't know if "I Had a Little Dreidel I Made it Out of Clay" is enough direction.
I'm a big fan of the English songs, as I also went to Jewish Day School. However, songs like "Chanukah Oh Chanuka come Light the Menorah" can be misleading. Great song, but the end of it isn't good education. Poor Chinuch. The line, "We light one for each night," is very misleading. You light six on the sixth night. Seven, including the Shamis (the middle light, there for use- we can discuss this next time, my pupil). We have many generations of illiterate Jews due to songs like this. You light one for each night if it is a Yahrzheit (the commemoration of somebody's death), and Yahrzheits candles should only be used as shot glasses, according to tradition.
You light the amount for each night plus the Shamis. The song should go, "We light one on the first night, with the Shamis we lit… 4 on the fourth night, plus the Shamis we lit… 8 on the eighth night… And that is because we light like Jews. Oh Chanukah… Come light the proper way like Jews should, the menorah. We will dance other dances that or more Jewish than the Horah..." And then the song should end "Yiddel Dydel Dumb" because that makes it a Jewish song. Maybe add in some Oy Oys and NayNays. Jews don't add Ho Hos. And neither do Christmas songs that are written by Jews.

There are many more classic Chanukah songs that weren’t written by Adam Sandler. Nonetheless, they are also meaningful. The only issue is they're not on the radio.
For true Chanukah meaning, check out songs in other languages as well. There are always beautiful Yiddish songs about lighting candles and pogroms.
Next year, we’ll focus on more Chanukah songs of the religious nature, like “Haneirot Hallalu,” “Maoz Tzur” and “I’m A Latke and I’m Waiting for Chanukah to Come.” Which truly captures the holiday spirit. We are all Latkes.

Announcements
The preChanukah Party will happen this Monday. We will celebrate preChanukah with Latkes and Dreidel playing. Due to the popular request of Katie, we will celebrate Chanukah before Chanukah.
 
The shul is going to be selling Chanukah candles that work. They will not break on you.
 
We ask everybody pay their dues before Chanukah so we can turn the water back on and celebrate Chanukah before Chanukah.
 
The shul Chanukah vacation this year will be the week after Chanukah. This year the vacation will be in the Miami-Fort Lauderdale-Boca area.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Turn Every Jewish Ritual into a Program By Not Doing it At it Right. How to make Not Oily Latkes Nobody Likes, Because There Was No Miracle of Oil Before Chanukah. Where to Vacation: A Session on Places to Go in Miami, Fort Lauderdale and Boca.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They hate Yosef. When they hate you. they hold that... They hate him because they’re not happy with themselves. Kind of like the board who hates any good idea you share with them. Like doing a Chanukah party on Chanukah... Kind of like most of our congregants who can't stand Simcha, who likes to share his dreams all the time. It can be annoying, Simcha. It's annoying hearing every detail, and then hearing, "And then I woke up." We know you woke up...

(Bereishit 37:24) The brothers take Yosef and they throw him in a pit, “and the pit is empty, there is no water.” Kind of like the Bergstein Bar Mitzvah where there was no schnapps. You asked for it, you flipped the bottle over. Tapped it. Nothing in there. And they still expected you to give the kid a gift... This is why people hate the Bergsteins... I'm not suggesting to throw Simcha in a pit.

Rashi, answering the question “why does it need to say no water when it is already empty,” tells us that there were snakes and scorpions.
There was no water. No life. When you lose the love of family, there is no life. Then there is no connection and hate, there is no life. Just snakes and scorpions, like the board...

What’s saves Yosef’s life? Connection. Their hate would’ve killed him. But they realized he has the same blood. I believe O+. (Bereishit 37:27) Yehudah says “let us sell him to the Yishmaelim, and let not our hand be on him, for he is our brother, our flesh...” You don’t kill your own flesh. You sell them as slaves...
This is why the mothers at this shul slave in the kitchen. And the fathers talk in shul...

There’s a lot of hate here... Bernie deserves it.

And now the shul is left with messed up emptiness. Emptiness and some people trying to make it bad for everybody. Snakes. Stealing the meaning from everything we do. Ruining the joy and love of Yiddishkeit...

The preChanukah party sounds like a Chanukah party. But it's not a Chanukah party... Because it's not on Chanukah. If it was on Chanukah, you would call it a Chanukah party...
I understand you want to prepare for the holiday. You do that by buying the stuff you need for Latkes, and a Dreidel... No. You’re celebrating it the day before Chanukah... What makes it more exciting?... Thank you. So. Before Chanukah, it’s a program. People don’t like tradition anymore. They don’t like Mitzvot. They like programs...

People rightfully hate the Chanukah candles... They’re not Chanukah candles if they don’t break. Those are Shabbis candles. You're using Shabbis candles on Chanukah. The shul fundraiser is to sell Shabbat candles for Chanukah...
It's like your programs. Done at the wrong time. Might as well do Sukkot Matzah. People love the Sukkot Matzah that tastes just like bread. Thursday night choolante night... I don't care if they do it in Monsey. This is Topeka. People don't even know what choolante is here. More people would come to the program if it was Thursday night overcooked stew night...
Everything you do shows no love for our tradition. A hatred for our people.

The shul water is off because of hatred. People hate paying dues. And this is why the sink has no water. It's empty...

You can’t even do a Chanukah vacation right... After Chanukah is not a Chanukah vacation. Its winter vacation... You like it more because a Chanukah vacation on Chanukah is tradition. After Chanukah it’s more of a program. More fun...
Isn't the vacation always to South Florida?... Just making sure. Then I am going to Orlando this year... Our activities committee is calling it a program.
It's not a program. People are going on vacation. If it's not organized by the shul and it's not a tradition, it's not a program...

We should all find the love back in our lives, so we can end the hate and get the water turned back on in the shul. So that we can vacation without having to see each other...

I hate your preChanukah Chanukah... It's not Chanukah. If you put a "pre" before something, it's not that. "Pre" means not the right time.
No. PreChanukah is not Chanukah. You can’t light for Chanukah preChanukah.
I know many have started eating choolante on Thursday night. It’s still not Shabbat...
I hate doing Jewish tradition done as a program. I will hold that hate.
I love this shul. So I will not destroy it. But I will do whatever I can to get rid of the programs. I will bring snakes and scorpions if I must... Serpents sounds better. Serpents are scarier. Serpents and scorpions. Even worse. I will add more people to the board...

We pray that the kids learn to like the Bergstein boy, and not blame him for his parents not having schnapps...
Maybe come to shul, not like your dad, and people will like you. They'll see you as Jewish flesh. Connected...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi truly connected with the Bergstein boy. He spat on his parents and sat in a different section of shul. I think the rabbi just said people who don't come to shul are not Jewish flesh. And I think the Bergstein boy does not like his family.
We can all agree that going to a Bar Mitzvah and getting nothing to drink, then having to give a gift, causes hatred.

Beautiful teachings. The board is full of snakes. Poetic. The rabbi was making a strong point saying that you sell your brothers as slaves.

The board decided to have the CHanukah Party not on Chanukah, because of Katie. Whatever Katie wants, Gd apparently does. Katie wants Purim in the fall, the shul decided to host a drinking party in October.
Our shul has decided to now only run programs. People show up for programs. On Sukkot people didn’t show for Musaf. They came for Hookah in The Sukkah. They then ran a Musaf program, where a Chazin leads in the Musaf prayer. Finally, people came for Musaf.

That was a fundraiser. To sell Shabbis candles for a lot more than they’re worth. It went great with the preChanukah program. People spend more when they get stuff they're using for the wrong reasons.
The rabbi insisted it would've been a Chanukah miracle if they were Chanukah candles that didn't break.

The shul got the water turned off. We need money. I think that is the true lesson of the Parsha. Money saves lives. It saved Yosef's life when the Yishmaelim bought him, and it allows for us to have Kiddish.

Many people were mad with the rabbi for suggestion that going to South Florida in the winter is a not a Jewish tradition.
The vacation to Miami-Fort Lauderdale-Boca was to Fort Lauderdale and Miami, and Boca last year too. It seems to be the same vacation every year. It's where the Jews go to get away from Jews.
They love programs. Even their vacations are now programs. It just happens to be when everybody goes to Florida. And they all go. So the shul is taking credit for the program.
The rabbi found a way to take advantage of this new program thing the board is pushing. The rabbi heads down to South Florida for a day, takes a picture with a couple members, says it a shul program, and he calls it work. No vacation days used on his vacation.

What do you call a Mashgiach who's traveling to Israel? An Overseaer. (Mordechai)
You get it? Mashgiachs oversee. Kosher supervision. Now he's traveling overseas as the overseer. Hence, Overseaer. He spend the whole time on the plane checking the food. Maybe he's not checking the food. I'm not sure. The spelling on that pun was hard. That can happen with the art of pun writing. But you push through for the people who need to hear it.

What did the people of Sedom learn? Gomorrah. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Sedom and Gomorrah. Gemara is what we learn. Gomorrah was wicked, along with Sedom. They wouldn’t have been wicked if they learned Gemara. This pun doesn’t work in Hebrew, as it’s Amorah. Amorahs are rabbis who wrote the Gemara. A very confusing pun. Sometimes, you have to leave the people not understanding what the point of the pun is. If Gomorrah was learning Gemara with Amorahs, they would've been on the right track.

Avraham’s nephew got his name because he wanted a Lot of land. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Lot. A lot. Lot’s herdsmen fought with Avraham’s over land. Next time maybe we'll talk about Lot's lot. You get it. 'His lot.' That's two puns right there. Again, educating with words used in a way they were not meant.
 
Went to a matchmaker. They set me up with great stuff to light my Havdalah candle. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Matchmakers set people up. This one makes matches. Matches to light things on fire. Not people. Sure, this has been used before. But this pun hasn’t been used enough. There is so much more it can give. “Set me up with a box.” A matchbox. Just throwing that out there. So much more.
 
I handed in a paper about the importance of putting up a Mezuzah. It was an Assay. (Mordechai)
You get it? A paper. An essay. Mitzvat Assay or Asei. A positive commandment. You hand in an Essay. Not an Assay. Though it’s important to tell kids that it’s a Mitzvat Asei to hand in an essay, so they do their schoolwork. Mezuzah is a Mitzvat Asei. You need to learn Torah to understand this pun. I hope that inspires you. Next time you get an assignment, make it a Mitzvah and hand in an Assay.

Esav was mad his Birthright didn’t allow him a free trip to Israel… He was already there. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Esav sold his birthright to Yaakov. Birthright gives free trips to Israel. Esav didn’t get that. That’s probably the reason he was mad at Yaakov. If he wasn’t living in Israel, he still wouldn’t have got it. They didn’t have Birthright back then. Birthright brings families together.

What song did they sing for the Chassid with a red Bekishe? “Jingle Belz.” (Mordechai)
You get it? It’s the season for these kind of puns. Belz is a Chassidic sect. Chassidim usually have long beards and eat. Some have the big stomach. A Bekishe is a robe. You put one of those on a heavy guy with a big beard... “Jingle Bells” is the song. Here, it’s “Jingle Belz.” What do bikers with a red robe sing? I don't know. That's why we didn't answer that question.

For many years the new generation of the Wise Men of Chlem have lit the Chanukah Menorah, known as a Chanukiah or candelabrum for those who like tiny candles, but they never knew why. They were fine with that, until now.
To make Chanukah more meaningful, they had a committee meeting without the rabbi. After much discussion about different types of meditation, they decided it was impossible to make the holiday more meaningful. To quote Sadie, “If we don’t close our eyes and meditate, it’s not meaningful.”

Yankel Shares His Idea
Known to cause problems, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha always makes everybody say his full name. Yankel told everybody, “I learned at Yeshiva that you're commanded to publicize the miracle of Chanukah. This is why we light.”
Berel the Gabai, one to never allow for heresy, jumped in, “You fool. This is how you make of meaning. I learned in Yeshiva too, and our rabbis taught us that we must light the Chanukiah. He knows from nothing.” The Wise Men cheered at the brilliance of their Gabai and his argument against Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha. Fayge, captivated by her Gabai, reinforced, “Our Gabai is so wise. How he makes such sense of the rabbis’ laws!!! Now we have meaning.”
After a bit more debate, they decided that they should light the Chanukiah on Chanukah. To quote Felvel, "The Gabai is correct. We light the Chanukiah on Chanukah."

Yankel Still Makes a Stink
Bothered by this idea of publicizing the miracle, Yankel exclaimed, "All Berel says is true. But we should still publicize the miracle." "What miracle?" Rivka Bayla asked. Yankel restated, "The miracle of Chanukah."
To humor Yankel, they decided they must find a Chanukah miracle. A Chanukah miracle they could show to people when they're walking home from work, as Yankel insisted it had to be publicized when people are coming home from work. To quote Felvel, "As if they need to be bothered after a full day's work."
 
What is the Miracle of Chanukah That We are Publicizing?
The Wise Men and Women of Chelm searched and searched for a miracle. They needed to find the miracle of Chanukah, for they wanted to know what to share with the public.
Lazer, the head of the youth group let them know, “Last Chanukah I got an amazing gift. I received a hoverboard.” A silence never heard before was disrupted with a gasp of awe. “Miracles do happen. Hoverboards are awesome,” Chaya Tova replied. Even Duvidel was in awe, as he received a pair of socks last year that his Bubbie knitted for him, and they did not stay up. As Duvidel showed his socks gathered at his ankles, he gleefully shared his joy in Lazer’s hoverboard, “People can receive gifts they like.” He continued to share his newfound hope, “I can use some wireless JBL earbuds.” To which nobody cared.
 
Displaying the Hoverboard
They decided to put Lazer’s hoverboard on display in the window, when people were walking home from work. But nobody saw the hoverboard, as they all worked from home.
The next day, Duvidel shared his concept, “We can buy all of the children hoverboards and they will see the miracle of Chanukah.” Menachem interceded, to keep the group in line and focused on what was really important. And that is saving money. “Who can afford hoverboards? I can’t even buy one for my kids. Not everybody is as wealthy as the Shwartzawitzs. They even have a flats screen TV.” Bayla, not a fan of Schwartzawits either, added, “If the Shwartzawitzs paid their dues, that would be a miracle.” To which everybody laughed and wished they had a hoverboard.
 
More Chanukah Miracles That Are Easier To Share
Chaya Tova recounted yet another miracle, “We didn’t have to go to school today. It’s a snow day. A Chanukah miracle.”
And the miracles of Chanukah kept flowing. “The Latkes last year were out of this world. Crunchy, yet beautifully moist on the inside,” Rivka let them all know. “We must let all know. This is a miracle,” responded Menachem, with a joy that could be felt by all who love potatoes that are fried.
The kid with the disease they all prayed for, who recovered and was back in school, was not mentioned. They didn’t want to publicize chicken pox.
Oily food was a miracle. The snow day was a huge miracle. But none could outdo the miracle of Lazer’s hoverboard and socks that did not fall because they were not made by Bubbie.
 
How Do We Publicize This Joyous Chanukah Miracle of a Hoverboard?
The Wise Men and Women of Chelm decided it's time to publicize the true miracles of Chanukah correctly. Ads in the newspaper were too expensive. There was supply and demand and only a group of eight people read the newspaper. Even so, the Wise Men and Women were not deterred from their goal. “We must find a way to advertise the miracle of Chanukah!”
Taking initiative, as he does, Duvidel arose with fervor and took to the streets with his megaphone. All the people of Chelm were in shock. They don’t understand Yiddish. “What’s he screaming?” the people asked. He reverted to English. For English is what they speak in Poland nowadays.
The rest of the Wise Men and Women at the meeting were inspired, as they followed with megaphones they had amassed in the shul’s food collection bin for the hungry. Cheers were heard all over the streets, “Lazer received a hoverboard.” One fine scholar came to his door, for he heard the cheers of the Wise Men and Women and thought the shul had just received a new Torah scroll. How happy he was to hear that it was Lazer’s hoverboard. He didn’t want to have to go out in this weather to follow a Torah.
After hours of cheering for Lazer, none of the townsfolk came out to join the parade of Lazer’s hoverboard. There was three feet of snow and nobody had shoveled their walkway. The only way to share the miracle without taking out an ad was through the window. So, to celebrate the holiday correctly, they decided to light Lazer's hoverboard. And that miracle only lasted one night.

Epilogue
And Berel, the Gabai, let Yankel and all the committee know, “That is why we light the candles on Chanukah.” “Exactly,” Said Fayge. “Do you want to pay for hoverboards for all the kids of Chelm, Yankel?... You see? This is why we light candles. It's too expensive to buy eight hoverboards.”
And Yankel preached in protest, “We light because the one jar of oil lasted eight days. It should’ve only lasted one.” Berel the Gabai responded to this ignorance one last time, “This fool still doesn’t understand. We light eight, because there are eight nights of Chanukah.”
On the eighth night, the Wise Men and Women, along with their community, lit their Chanukah Menorahs with the nine candles, including the Shamish candle, to remind them of the Menorah in the Temple that had seven lamps because of the eight nights of Chanukah.
 
Extra Notes on Chanukah
The kids didn’t go to school, but they did learn that on Chanukah a great miracle of amazing Latkes and hoverboards took place. So, they lit the Chanukiah for those Latkes. And they lit their hoverboards and their parents grounded them for Chanukah.
Duvidel never received earbuds or a hoverboard. However, hoverboard sales in Chelm went up. Duvidel blamed his Bubbie, who took up knitting a few years back.
Lazer never road his hoverboard again, as it was too dangerous and banned from use in Chelm. Lighting the hoverboard was not looked upon favorably by the law.
That Chanukah the whole community was able to see the Schwartzawitzs’ huge flats screen TV, as the Schwartzawitzs’ publicized their new 120-inch television. The Wise Men and Women knocked on the Schwartzawitzs’ door and asked them to pay their dues. And they did. The miracle of Chanukah was complete.
Some people burned Latkes and they said, “This crunch is even a greater miracle.” Discussions continued as to whether the Latke miracle was true, or if it was Tater Tots.
Yankel lit his Chanukiah in his window and all tried to figure out what he was trying to prove. To quote Fayge, “This guy never stops.”

Announcements
Our guest speaker this week is Phil. He’s a member of this congregation and he will be giving the sermon about how his kids don’t call unless he's sick, to find out if he’s dying.
 
The planning meeting for how we’re going to attack the mice in the shul is this Sunday. Bella suggested weapons. We are going to stay away from military grade. Last time military weapons were used against mice, we ended up having to do a full demolition of the shul.
We are offering congregants shielding gear due to fear of little things.
 
The Simcha for the Feldblums this Shabbis gives us all hope that their son will not be like them. He should have a beautiful family with children that respect and appreciate shul.
 
Kiddish club is planning a party, where they will be drinking more. Less than at Kiddish club, as the party will not be before Musaf and the Kiddish club members don't need to drink as much when they're not Davening.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Get Your Children to Call Even if They Know They're in the Will Already. How to Attack a Mouse on Shabbat Without Scaring a Whole Shul. How to Show Love Not Like The Feldblums. Kiddish Club and How They Found a Way to Drink More On Work Night.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Like Yaakov, I planned for a fight against the board... No. I didn’t give them any gifts. I have no money for gifts because they haven’t given me a raise....
Yes. That’s the reason for the law of not eating the hop sinew. Yaakov injured his hip fighting with the angel (Bereishit 32:32-33)... Yaakov had sciatica. The whole back left of the men’s section has had sciatica. You want to eat it???
I injured any chances of making a decent living fighting with the board... Great speech Phil. You can sit...

(Bereishit 33:1-3) Yaakov sees Esav with four hundred men. He splits up the camp. Goes in front of them and bows to his brother seven times... I have to give the background because you all talk during the Layning... Seven was the number in those days. Bowed seven times...
(33:4) “And Esav ran to greet him and he hugged him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept....” After seeing this, Esav runs to his brother.  I don't think I even saw the Feldblum kids hug. I think they just shook hands and said, "Good to see you too."

Love is always there, somewhere, when you're not dealing with a board. You have to take the first steps. You have to bow the seven times... Without bowing. It’s Asur to prostrate to people. A bunch of Apikorsim. You bow to H'.
So Yaakov bowed to his brother... His brother wasn't an idol. And I will never bow to the board...

Rashi teaches that Esav’s compassion was aroused by the prostrations. You see. Prostrations. Now bows. His compassion was found through the prostrations. Through Yaakov's show of deference. Sometimes you need to give in a bit. Let the other know that you are there for love, and they will return that. Unless if it's Phil's kids... Or the board.

Esav had all that love inside of him. He showed it. And you can’t even greet your rabbi with a decent "Shabbat Shalom." A handshake. You shake hands like a Mensch... Your handshaking is off. It makes nobody want to hug you or kiss you. When they shake your hand, they do not want to cry. No emotion.
Now Merv. You shake Merv and Mr. Greenberg's hands, you feel emotion. You want to cry. They squeeze your hand. Like a vice. They clench your hand with the jaws of their fingers. You feel that...
You are so not giving. So unkind. Everything with you is a fight. I get sciatica just listening to the congregants. The handshakes in this shul give me sciatica...
I'm talking about love. About finding love through peace. You do that through being kind and compassionate. It might come back to you...
You don’t even welcome guests...

Beautiful speech Phil. The way you were able to give a sermon with no Torah...

You plan for kindness. If that doesn't work, you have to be ready to fight. We have been kind enough to the mice of the shul for many years. Food all over the floor. The children of our congregation have not cleaned up after themselves...
We have to plan how to attack the mice. Gifts. We tried giving them cheese and peanut butter, they ate it. They took it right out of the mousetraps. I feel like the traps are food trays for feeding mice.
Splitting up the camp, we had different traps...
We tried. It's all out war. You already won the environment discussion. We have recycling in the shul. We are going to kill the mice. Straight out war. We've got to come in strong... We did it all. We fought. We sprayed everywhere. We even used poison. Nothing has worked yet. We need to come out stronger. Hit them from all sides...
You're more scared of mice than Gd.
And now we have a secretary who adopted a mouse as a pet... I am saying we also have to show love to people, so that some people will want to join our shul...
If people come to our shul and we hug and kiss them, and cry on them. They'll feel loved and they'll want to be congregants...

Dr. and Dr. Feldblum, you prepared your son correctly. He’s learning in Yeshiva. He is kind. He’s a good athlete. He is nothing like his parents. You did a good job. But you need more love...
Your Simcha has no affect. No love. Not even a Yasherkoych when cousin Ralph came down from the Aliyah. Nobody even tried to whip candies at the Chatan. You tossed them.
No emotion involved in your family. No love. Esav has more love than your family.
If one of your family members wanted to kill another, they would do it...

R’ Hirsch teaches that Esav wept genuinely, as crying can only come from one that is moved. Even Esav had the ability for compassion. The human ability we all have when he is moved. Your grandma isn’t even crying. Not moved by her grandson getting married. The Chatan's grandma is just sitting there like her whole face is full of Botox... Well. Then that is the reason...
The only one crying is the guy that came back drunk from the Kiddish club...

What is the Kiddish Club Party? Is it just you drinking more?... It's a weeknight. You have to go to work the next morning. It's drinking more on a weeknight.
Talking about the Kiddish club because they're not here. They're still out drinking. Pregaming Musaf...
Phil. You already talked. Now you're interrupting. You already let everybody know you get no love from your family, even though they're not the Feldblums. We get it.
A true party is when there is the joining of sides. The joining of enemies in love and embrace. Reuniting... The Kiddish club has not reunited with Mickey in years. Let him back into the Kiddish club. I don’t want to see him in the shul for the sermons...
A decent handshake for crying out loud. That's a party...

Will the Chatan come up here...
To love is to want to kill... Embrace your wife, not like your family embraced you.
Kiss her. Hug her. Cry on her. If you don't cry on your spouse, is it really a relationship...

Rivka's Rundown
"To love is to want to kill" is a very strong statement. I believe the rabbi was trying to say that he doesn't love the board, so they shouldn't worry.

I agree with the rabbi that we need more emotion in the shul. More sisterhood fighting.
The rabbi truly went off on the lack of passion behind handshakes and why there is much hatred in the shul because of it. His message: If people shook hands harder, families would be together. To quote, "Families that shake together, stay together." The rabbi just makes it all so meaningful.
After the sermon everybody shook hands. It was an emotional moment for all. Women were standing up, shaking each other's hands and hugging.

The rabbi asked a congregant to speak. He didn’t want to try anymore. And then, once he heard Phil speaking, he got up, kicked Phil off and still gave his sermon. Truth is everybody loved Phil’s sermon. The no Torah added to the message truly made everybody feel more connected.
The rabbi just kicked Phil off, and took over the sermon. He heard enough about people not calling. The rabbi was worried the congregants would start to think that the rabbi would want to get phone calls from them.

The rabbi planned for the war. I had mice in my house. I used his plan and killed four mice.
People heard there was a mouse and they didn't show up to shul for a month. They figured that would be their excuse this year, as there hasn't been much snow yet.
It all started last week when Bella yelled, "Mouse!!!!" Everybody ran and there was no Minyin.
The Filermans aren't coming back. It's amazing how you can't lose the reputation of having a mouse. Every house gets mice during the fall, but when people hear about it, you're branded. Our shul has been branded and the rabbi is happy.

I was for the friendliness and the new hello thing, until Merv kissed me, cried on me, and the chuched his phlegm all over me. I think we need younger men, who won't hock a loogie on the guests, welcoming people.

The Feldblums took such Nachis knowing their son is not like them and won’t eat in their home.
I don't know if they love each other. I don't even think there was one real smile the whole Simcha. After the Chupah, the dad shook his son's hand. The rabbi noted, "At least it was a solid handshake. It's a start."
The family might be mad that another member, this new wife, is joining the family, and she might also have a claim on the inheritance. I even think that when the dad shook his son's hand, he said, "Prenup." That was his Mazel Tov.

The rabbi kept on saying "The Chatan." He forgot his name. Not as bad as the time he forgot the name of the deceased at their funeral and he was calling her Mrs. Wichita.
The family at the funeral was fine, until one of the members said she lost the pageant.

The Kiddish club parties have less drinking going on than at the Kiddish club. Usually the parties aren't happening during Davening. As the rabbi noted, "There's no real reason to drink if you're not praying to Gd."

You have to pay the matchmaker. I did the research. It's true. Many people don't know this. They get hit by this shocker and make the mistake of getting married. They think they're just paying for the wedding hall, and now they have to pay the Shadchan. You must be prepared to budget for the caterer, the band and the person who finally set you up with somebody you did not find hideous.
I want you to be prepared to lose your money when you get married. So, we are going to talk about how much you have to pay a Shadchan.
Before starting, I would like to give credit to the Shadchans for doing this great Mitzvah of setting people up. They deserve our respect and appreciation. Without matchmakers who knows how many more people would be married.

The Source
For some reason, I can't find an original source for this law. But I know it's a law, as I just saw it on Saw You at Sinai, an online matchmaker site that you thought you already paid for.
The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 87:39 and 264:7) teaches that the Shadchan is like any worker. Thus, they deserve a fee. I believe that fee is two-thousand dollars an hour for the email they sent with a name of a girl that might be perfect, because she is Jewish.
You're paying for their labor. It would appear that according to the Rama, if they're on shift at the docks unloading containers from ships they should get paid, even if they're a matchmaker. Which is why most cargo ships don't hire Shadchans. Yentas are not very helpful with manual labor. Standing there trying to make sure none of the guys sprain their backs does not help work get done. Telling everybody, "You shouldn't be lifting such heavy boxes. You'll hurt yourself. And you should dress nicer," is not what they want at the ship yard. They don't need people bothering everybody else on shift, trying to figure out why Vlad is still single, bringing up great ideas they have for Shayna Maidel non-Jewish girl. They don't need a caring mother telling them, "If you had a better job, you'd be more of a catch."

What Is the Labor
It's the time, the research. That is what you pay a Shadchan for. Many say that they have to put in time for all of those Shidduchs that don't work out. Which is their main focus. They're spending most of their time trying to figure matches that are bad ideas. And then they present that to you. It is thus important you pay for all the bad ideas and painful dates they set you up on.
All the bad dates you went on over the years, thanks to the Shadchans, you have to pay for that. They put the time into ensuring that you meet somebody you're not attracted to. They put the time into pushing ideas of matches that live eight thousand miles away. They put time into blaming you for being the issue for thinking the unattractive guy, eight thousand miles away, who refuses travel to see you, is a bad idea.

How Much You Must Pay
If the Shidduch works out you must pay $1,200, $1,500, or 13K if you ask a Shadchan.
If you use SawYouatSinai.com, you have to pay more. App membership doesn't cover the matchmaker. Making it the most expensive dating website, if it works. The hope is it doesn't work, and you save on the Shadchan fee.

Who Pays?
Does the guy have to pay this too? That seems to be a yes. They guy is supposed to pay for the dates and the Shadchan. Some say the woman should also pay, which is why most people are not for progressive Judaism. This is the one thing that is keeping the Frum women from joining the feminist movement. They don't want to pay the Shadchans.
If you ask the Shadchan, each side has to pay the 13K.

Do Shadchans Pay for Bad Dates?
No. Shadchans don't pay for bad dates. Many have asked this question.  Excellent question. There are no rebates.
I've personally saved receipts. Rabbis have addressed this and made it clear you can't hand those in when you get engaged. You can't go to the Shadchan with a forty-dollar receipt from Starbucks, "This was from the worst three hours of my life. I would like money back for your not putting any thought into that previous girl you set me up with."

How to Avoid Paying
Avoid Shadchans, unless if you're extremely desperate and wealthy. Which doesn't happen. The Shadchan will have already ensured your marriage years ago.
Avoid Jews. Stay away from anybody with an idea for you. Do not converse with Jews. All Jewish people have ideas. Any Jewish person who hears you're single will throw out an idea. Anybody at shul, at a wedding, at a Bris, they're all trying to make money off you. Stay away from them. Avoid all Simchas.
Stay away from friends. A friend can claim they mentioned the name. Now you're inviting them to your wedding, paying for their food, and you have to give them a gift.
And they're tricky. Everybody is a Shadchan. You think it’s a family friend. Watch out. Anybody who mentions a name, say you already knew the parson. "I was already thinking about dating her." It's your only out-clause.
Watch out. They will throw out names. If you're at a Simcha and somebody starts rattling off names. Get away from them. They are setting themselves up for payment.

What If You Already Like the Girl
Let's say you meet somebody that the Shadchan mentioned and you start to like her. Run. Don't date her. They'll charge you. You think it's just a drink, a meal, a wedding, a ring, a caterer, a house, kids, Jewish day school, Jewish summer camp. No. You have some random person who mentioned Bracha eighteen years ago. You owe her. You should've run.
It makes no difference the Shadchan didn't mention the last name. You have to pay. Stay away from all Brachas.

However you see it, you have to show respect and appreciation for those people out there talking about you and how you're overweight and you have a really bad job, trying to help you get married.
The real question the Rama should've addressed is how much you have to pay an app for a Shidduch.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about people being religious and using Kosher laundry detergent, while he speaks of Israeli dancing requiring guns and graffiti not being the way to stop people from peeing on your wall, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing support for religious Jewish models who come heavier.

Announcements
Our guest speaker, Max Filmore, will talk about investing money and saving. The last speaker spoke about giving Tzedakah. He was shunned. We shall never again bring a speaker who suggests people should give more to charity. Unpopular. We ask your forgiveness.

Shoshana Chana is starting a Bikur Cholim Committee. Nobody is showing up. If anybody has a heart, please show up. We also ask the Markowitz family visit their parents. Shoshana Chana is not their daughter.

The Shul will be honoring Simcha next month at the annual dinner for his accomplishment of being popular and knowing people. 

We ask people stop speaking Lashon Hara about Sue and Mark. They’re annoying. Very annoying. Show up to shul late all the time.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose Congregants by Asking them to do Mitzvot. How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care For Your Parents. How to Choose An Honoree Who Has Accomplished Nothing with Our Board. Lashon Hara and How it Enhances Our Lives at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. Yaakov left Israel, because his brother was going to kill him. I was going to leave this shul, because I wanted to kill you...

Rachel had no children. An example to our congregation. One of our Imahot, and she never bothered other people in shul with a baby carriage sitting in the hallway. She never had her kids running around the shul, screaming, “I’m going to kill you if you don’t give me a Sunkist fruit gem..." The kids here are crazy...
Rachel wants children. And not to steal all the cookies at Kiddish... Maybe she would like little league baseball. True mothers like the little league experience... Mrs. Shwarztein. You have never brought anything other than oranges on your snack day. This is why the kids don't like you. You can't play baseball after peeling an orange. The kids end up with sticky gloves...

(Bereishit 30:1-2) “She said to Yaakov, ‘Give me children, and if not I am dead.’” No woman values her husband that much. We know this. We can see this with the Felstein family, where Dr. Felstein’s wife always tells him, “You should die.” A regular Kiddish conversation when she doesn’t get herring. “If I don’t get herring, you are dead.” A little different than Rachel, who wanted a child... Some women want herring. That is fine, Bernie. To each their own.
A lot of death in this week’s Parsha. Not enough in our shul. There hasn't been a funeral in a month, and I'm going broke... Mrs. Felstein, do what you must.

Rashi quotes the Midrash and says that she asked Yaakov to pray for her. Yaakov got mad. That's usually my immediate response when people ask me to do a Mishebeyrach. "Why don't you do it?!"
Yaakov got mad at Rachel and retorts, “Am I instead of Gd that has withheld from you fruit of the womb?!”... Not Fruit of the Loom. They didn't have the cotton gin back then. It was much more uncomfortable. And you complain about boxer briefs... I know they fall on the leg. Very not comfortable. Somebody should talk to Fruit of the Loom. But Rachel is dealing with fruit of the womb. And I am sure Yaakov would've written a complaint to Fruit of the Loom...

Why was he mad? Because he didn’t do anything wrong here. Her father wronged her and stole from her. She was blindsided by everybody...
But she is asking him to pray. Sometimes, when you’re alone, and nobody is there to grieve with you, you feel dead. You have no kids for all that time that Yaakov is hanging out with Leah... I understand the husbands in this shul are off playing softball all the time. The only shul that plays softball in the winter. That's how out of shape you guys are. You can't play anything other than softball...
The reason nobody asks the congregants to pray. Your prayers are off. I believe Ethel got sicker because of your Mishebeyrachs...

Yaakov getting mad doesn’t help Rachel feel alive. She needed him to pray. To understand her and be there with her in her grief. To feel so badly that he would entreat H’.
Sometimes you need somebody to be there with you. To understand your grief. If people would just listen to my sermons...
So she gives Bilha. That’s a great way to have kids. It's like one of your pyramid schemes, Shlomo...

Are you going to join us when we need you?! To not think of us. But to care enough to pray for us, and put aside... When I asked the shul to pray for a new addition to the building...
We figure that the shul won’t get any money from the congregants anyways. Why talk about Tzedakah... We want to show people are coming to shul programming, so we are going to teach people how not to tithe, unless if they are getting a huge tax break...

Are you there with the people who are sick. Or do you get mad that they didn’t leave you enough money in the will...
Shoshi Chana is there. She understands when people need a prayer. She doesn't show up and get mad at them. She doesn't start yelling at them, "I am not Gd. Feel better yourself." She doesn't yell, "You're the fool who raised Mr. Markowitz Esq..."
It’s Bikur Cholim. It’s a Mitzvah. Nobody is going to show.

Shoshi Chana is considered not popular because she cares and wants to give... I understand that Shoshana Chana is a bit too much of a name. But she is doing something beautiful... Visiting the sick is beautiful.
Beauty and kindness are not liked by our membership, unless if there's an inheritance...
I get you're a lawyer, Mr. Markowitz and you don't need the money. But just because you have a job does not mean you throw your parents in a nursing home and don't visit... I understand the aides are close with them and have built up a relationship cleaning them up after they go to the bathroom... The problem is you are a bad child. You're a curse to your family...
You blamed Shoshi Chana for not being there for your mom. For your mom not being bathed correctly the other day, and the fact that nobody went to visit her on Wednesday or Thursday. Why are you blaming Shoshana for being kind...
Why are you blaming her for not cleaning your parents. It's not her job.
She's your mom. You visit... This is why your mom feels dead. You give her nothing, other than a paper to sign for you to take money from her account every once in a while...

It's death. It's death when people don't care about you. When you have a son like Mark Markowitz...
And Lashon Hara. All our membership does is kill people’s reputation. If you care about somebody, you don't gossip about them. You tell them how much you can't stand them. And I love this congregation... What did she do to you Simcha? She didn’t agree with you? Makes her bad?...
Why are you siding with Simcha? He’s obnoxious.
That's why we’re honoring him at the shul dinner. We’ve learned that our congregants give money for jerks... It makes them more popular.

What has Simcha done to get honored? He talks and leaves shul to drink. He drinks a lot of alcohol in shul, around kids. That's why we're honoring him... He's the only member who finds it necessary to pray under the influence of schnapps. That's why you like him...

Do you care enough. Do you know enough to actually pray for Ethel?
Or do you just want to give money to the annoying people who rub their money in your face?

Rashi teaches the Bereishit Rabbah that Yaakov is mad because he’s saying he’s not Rachel’s father. He wouldn’t hold back anything from her. He takes the issue as his. Rightfully, he dealt with so much lying, as Rachel did, from her father... That's not what Rachel needed. Rachel needed congregants that are not Simcha or Mark Markowitz. She needed Shoshi Chana... And you blame her for that.

Are you going to keep bringing your issues into the shul. Or will you let us grow. Will you finally pay Shoshi Chana to be a daughter, so that she can get some of the inheritance... When will Mrs. Felstein find joy?!

And you should tithe. Some people need you to listen to them, and then they need Tzedakah too... Sorry for bringing up the "T" word...

Rivka's Rundown
The true issue of the shul seemed to have been boxer briefs. Only our rabbi can bring that into a sermon, finding the spirituality in undergarments.

It would appear the rabbi was insinuating that Mrs. Felstein should kill her husband. People at Kiddish would appreciate the extra herring. That guy never shares. By the time I get to Kiddish, crackers and herring are gone.

The rabbi was saying that the grief is his congregation. Like Rachel wanted children, the rabbi doesn't want congregants.

Giving Tzedakah and tithing was not met with popular acceptance. Some said that we should get rid of a rabbi who feels Tzedakah is a good idea. Mentioning Shoshana Chana had a good idea with visiting the sick and being kind to people almost got him fired.
The board met to find out if there is an out clause for a rabbi who speaks of such stupidity.

It turns out, nobody in our shul has a heart. The most they did when they heard Thelma was in the emergency room by herself was say, "That's a shame." They felt by saying that, they're good Jews.
Shoshana Chana truly lost friends when she thought it a good idea to visit people in nursing homes. Nobody wants to talk to her now. They say she’s only doing it because she can’t find a job. By the way, Shoshi is successful and works full-time. Markowitz runs a firm. I believe he vacations full time.

The Markowitz family stopped coming to shul. They were offended the rabbi suggested it's on them to visit their mom and grandma every once in a while. To quote Mark, "I have a job."
The Markowitz family is there for their clients. They were very mad at the rabbi for saying they're not there. They made it clear at Kiddish, "We have been there for our clients whenever they need us. When they're sick or in a nursing home, we're there for our clients. If anybody needs good representation, here is my card."
It turns out that jobs exempt people from Mitzvot. Business seems to also not require one to wear a Yarmulke.

They speak Lashon Hara like it’s a Mitzvah. That's the one Mitzvah they can do at work.
The Lashon Hara class drew a lot more members to our congregation. They figured, "If this is a congregation that knows how to speak Lashon Hara, I want to be here."

It seems like being a jerk is praised in our community. You can’t do anything kind. If you're a jerk, they honor you. If you ask me, Simcha is a loser. He can't even hit a softball. He shows up to those games too drunk to hit the thing.

Everybody appreciated the How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care for Your Parents Class. The questions in the class had everybody focusing on how they don't have to visit, and how to get Shoshi Chana to care for their parents. They found it to be more financially helpful than Max Filmore's speech.

Visiting the sick takes away 1/60th of their pain (Nedarim 39b). That’s how little it helps. The annoyance of you being there, they feel the 59/60th. They feel that a lot.

(Ketuvot 10b) One should live in Israel, even in a city full of heathens. This is why I’m a supporter of Tel Aviv. Point the rabbis were making is that anything is better than New York... And all of the sudden they're offended. Even with my support. And every American is asking, "What about Teaneck?"
 
You have to pay a Shadchan if the match works out. The rate is $1K, $1.5K, or $12K if you ask the matchmaker.

(Rambam- Avoda Zara 5:7) A false prophet who commands something Gd did not must be put to death (Devarim 18:20), even if he didn’t add to or diminish from the Mitzvot. Lesson: Don’t share new ideas, even if Gd told you. Don’t fall for that, or you will die.
And this is why I don’t share Chidushim. You will never hear an inspired novel Torah thought from me, because I don’t want to die through strangulation for an idea.

Announcements
We want to apologize for not enough eggs salad and tuna salad at Kiddish. We understand they’re an important staple in our shul and for the Jewish community at large. We know that nobody came to shul the week after the last egg salad two servings for the whole community fiasco. No good Jew has a meal at shul without egg salad. And that includes Shalishudis.
It is under investigation. We don't know who the fool is that thought deviled eggs was a good idea. We apologize for that faux-pa. We are kicking them off the Kiddish crew.
Again. We are deeply sorry for the lack of egg salad. We don't have anybody who can Layn the Parsha this week. If you know how to read the Torah portion, please let us know.

We are going to make a shul family tree. We want to honor the shul with it, so please leave out anybody from the Pintzkowitz Mishpuchi. Also leave out anyone related to any man that Davens in the back left of the shul. The rabbi made it clear that he wants to forget them.

Michelle and Mike purchased an apartment in Israel. We want to wish them a Mazel Tov on their view. We hope to not see them in shul anymore.

Contemporary Halacha classes are also classes about Halacha. Halacha hasn't changed. The laws have remained the same, even if you drive to shul on Shabbis. You are still sinning.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Importance of Egg Salad in Shul and Hiding the Taste of Simi’s Choolent Which Nobody Likes. Laws of Israel and How a View Can Be So Beautiful and An Apartment So Ugly. Why You Don’t Have a Family Tree And Why Your Family Doesn't Visit You. What is Contemporary Halacha and Why You Haven't Shown Up To Contemporary Halacha Classes Yet.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
And they quarreled over wells. A lot of well quarreling... Well. They quarreled.
How did it start? It didn’t start because Rebecca pulled Sarah Freida’s hair. We will ask the youth director to do something about that... She has done nothing since taking over the job... Well stop the fighting at least. Aren't groups supposed to be going on now? Why you’re in for the sermon is an anomaly. You’re the youth director... Rebecca is not an anti-Semite, even though Sarah Freida sounds more religious. Sarah Freida a more religious name. The double name makes her more religious. The more names...

How did it start? (Bereishit 26:13-14) Yitzchak moves back to the Gerar Philistines area and he became great. “until he was very great.” Not like our Gabai who has just put on a lot of weight. “And there was to him flocks and herds, and a lot of business, and the Philistines became jealous.”
Jealousy. Jealous of someone else's success. Where all problems start... Jealousy is forbidden, Bernie. Even if you don't like the rabbi.

(Bereishit 26:15) So, they stopped up the wells dug by Avraham's servants. Kind of like the time they took away my parking spot, and then put cones there saying, “It’s dangerous to park here.”

This is what jealousy does. It destroys. It ruins even stuff that's good for you. In our shul, it leads to bigger hats in the women’s section... Are you trying to protect your kids from the snow with that thing? I think it’s forbidden to wear that thing on Shabbis. It's a tent.

The Philistines stopped up Avraham’s wells. They even violated Avimelech’s covenant (Rashi). Due to this jealousy, they lost a sense of their values. Kind of like when we left Gaza and they decided to destroy the green houses. Are you idiots?! It is just like when I left the shul for a Shabbis and the Gabai gave the sermon. Just like the Chazin when he sings. You all ruin everything. You destroy the enjoyment of shul...
You wanted it, and now you don’t have it, because you destroyed it. Real smart.

They couldn’t take the wells going back to Yitzchak. The rightful heir to the wells

When there is jealousy you violate tradition. You violate values. You violate agreements. And then you have a board that can't give a rabbi a raise.

Halacha doesn’t change with jealousy or wealth... But we will take your donations...
It’s Halacha. Why does it have to change because we have Bernie in the shul?!
I feel like the laws change when it comes to Shaindel’s new hats store... Shaindel’s Heimish Hats will not sell in Topeka. The hats wouldn't sell in New York. Heimish does not go with style. "Oy! What a Gevalt Fedora. It's Mamish Heimish." Nobody is paying for that, unless if it's a side dish. "Oy! What a Gevalt tuna salad. It's Mamish Heimish." I'm paying ninety dollars for that deluxe Mamish tuna.
Just call it Shaindel's huge hats... You can't sell them in shul. We had an agreement that people would not block other people's views of me with their hats...

Ancestry is important. Offspring? We can see in our congregation that it’s not always a blessing.
Have you seen junior congregation?!
And that is what quarreling and jealousy looks like... I told our youth director to call every one of them up to the Torah when they do the fake Layning at junior congregation. If not, there will be fights... Well, they learn from their parents. Jealousy over Aliyahs. And now we have to buy a new Torah. 45K in the hole, because jealousy caused Torah rippage... Max. You attacked the Gabai and knocked over the Bar Mitzvah boy's cousin, who was doing Galilah...

It is this jealousy that causes things to get ruined. Like Kiddish this week, where there's no egg salad.
Without egg salad you don’t have Kiddish. You can call it "a depressing post service non-Heimish conversation with Bernie and Ethel." Not Kiddish...
Egg salad is the condiment and main of choice at Kiddish... Your choolent is disgusting without egg salad...
Deviled eggs?! No. Deviled eggs are not egg salad. They're the devil's eggs because they keep people from coming to shul...

And now Michelle and Mike are talking about their view in Israel. Trying to make people jealous... Always a view. In Israel, you’re always showing off your view. Because the inside of the house is disgusting. "Look at my view. From my house, you can look out and see something really nice."
The Philistines would've blocked the view...

When you don't have appreciation, you do stupid stuff, like stopping up wells and overflowing the toilets... It was clogged already, Bernie.
Like Rav Dessler teaches, you can't have jealousy and takers, and then appreciation. They can't coexist. And this is how you end up with no egg salad.

Like the Philistines. Jealousy affects our heritage. It destroys people. And then you end up with the president of our board.
It ends up being a Kiddish with no egg salad. And Rebecca hitting people for Oreos. Pulling out hair...

And that is Halacha.

Rivka's Rundown
Exactly. A Kiddish with no egg salad. Says it all. Not much more to say.

The rabbi made it clear that the Philistines are not Palestinians. Though Abbas said they are also descendants of Arafat.

Very true. The more names you have makes you more religious. That includes parents' names with a Ben or Bat before them. If your name is Rebecca, you better have a mother with at least four names to get a good Frum Shidduch out of high school. Rebecca Bat Freida Blima Shaindel Bracha.

Nobody showed up to the Why You Haven't Shown Up to Contemporary Halcha Class Yet Halacha class. I am guessing they didn't know why they didn't show up to that class either.

Little Rebecca is crazy. She hates all Jews. At least it looks like that at junior congregation.
The rabbi is correct. The youth should not be in for the sermon. There are enough grownups there that can’t pay attention for the forty minute sermons.
The rabbi was saying the youth should be at youth groups. Makes sense. They're youth groups. Though, I have a feeling our new youth director took them into the sermon for safety. She figured Rebecca wouldn't pull hair in front of the Aron Kodesh. But she was wrong. Rebecca pulled out a chunk of Sarah Freida's head.
After the rabbi said, "And that's Halacha," eight men jumped on Rebecca, to keep her from attacking anybody else, and to stop the possible idol worship ritual.

Since when did big hats become something people get jealous of?
I’m 100% with the rabbi. Yiddish does not match style. You can’t be posh and speak Yiddish. No French designer is out there selling Heimish clothes. You sell Heimish food. And that means egg salad. Heimish egg salad.
Sheindel is also not a designer name for anybody not selling nightgowns and Tichels.

Nothing was mentioned about Thanksgiving in the rabbi's sermon. I think he was extremely not happy to see all of the families visiting. Anything he was thankful for was overshadowed by the congregation.
Most rabbis say, "It's great to see the children and the grandchildren." Our rabbi just gave a look of unhappiness and talked about stopping up wells.

The rabbi considers congregants to be offspring. Therefore, offspring is not good.
Offspring of who? Probably bad people.
The Message as I Understood It: Ancestors are good. Grandparents messed up. So grandparents are bad. Grandparents are not ancestors. Ancestors are at least three generation ago, according to our rabbi.

The shul family tree did not work out. It turns out that even though the Chachkin cousins married each other, the rest of the shul is not family. It also turns out people don't even know their parent's names for Yarhzeits. Calling up Aliyahs to the Torah sometimes takes fifteen minutes before somebody remembers the guy's father's name. Last week we had to help Steve. It took forty minutes before anybody could figure out the name of the guy who owned the corner store. That was Steve's dad. By the time they found out his name most of the congregants thought the sermon was over.

That was a tricky move in the announcements. There was no egg salad. That was going to keep people from coming to shul, until they found out that there was no one to read the Torah and they could get out early, due to the lack of our membership's commitment to Mitzvahs.

What kind of fools don’t put out egg salad at Kiddish?! One woman said, "Chumus is good too." Yes. If you’re having falafel. Which they serve anytime we have something going on that has anything to do with Israel. They had falafel on Israeli pizza night.
I agree with the rabbi and the board that deviled eggs are not enjoyable. Paprika has to be mixed in for eggs to taste good. With all that paprika on top, it's too dusty.
I feel bad for Maxine. Maxine made deviled eggs because Cheryl was saying, "No more egg salad." She thought she was doing the next best thing.
Now she's going to have to do her cooking at home, and that costs more money.

Purchasing a view is not a good idea on the money front. You get there and you start to think you should've bought your neighbor's house. The good one. “Look outside my house. Now that is nice. My neighbors. Now, that's a nice house.”