Let us not blame the Charedim, ultra-Orthodox Jews of Israel, for not wanting to do the army. It’s understandable. You can’t truly focus on Gemara Daf Yomi when you're getting shot at. And we all know that Dati Leumi, religious Zionist Jews, don’t really learn Torah. Which is why it's fine for them to serve. This is why they actually want to serve. Because they’re not learning Torah.
I will call Haredim "Charedim," because I like to spell Hebrew words in a way they can't be pronounced. Point is, I want to help the Charedi community find their way into the service of our Midina, Israel. Here are ways Charedim can serve. Let Rabbis Run the Army Charedim follow rabbis. Nobody cares what the general says. If the general doesn’t have Das Torah, nobody is doing pushups. And Yair Lapid is not a rabbi, even if he makes decisions for religious Jews. They need Das Torah. If Das Torah said to do the army, every Charedi Yeshiva Bachur would be happy to never learn Torah again. Rabbis running the army is good also for relations. Any military action the world condemns, will be met by Rav Dovid Levy. You get the Rosh Yeshiva of Ponevezh out there as army spokesman, it will be accepted. It's a Psak. You can't argue a Torah decree. Charedim are Great Soldiers They listen. If the rebbe says it, they listen. Charedim are in shape. I’ve never seen people walk so fast. I don't know if it's Shabbis training or Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, rushing to do a Mitzvah, but they fly. Can’t explain it. They glide with the power of Gd. So fast. They don't run. They walk. I would put a Charedi walking up against any Chiloni running. Charedi will win. Point is, they don’t work out, but they’re good walkers. And good walkers make good soldiers. They’re very good at climbing. At the protest yesterday, they were on gas stations, light poles, highway exit sign gantries. And camouflage. The Bekishe is perfect for urban warfare. And many Charedim already smoke. They’re ready to serve in the IDF. I ask my Charedi friends to really think about it. You’ve got it in you to serve the country. National Guard You can't say Nachal Charedi is Charedi, unless if you're a Charedi guy who's looking for a Shidduch with a woman commander in pants. Tight pants. Which they are. If the Satmar Rebbe would just find such Shidduchim for the young men, he would make his people happy. National Guard will be theirs to run. They will protect the homes with Mezuzahs. That’s how you protect a home. Mezuzahs and a chandelier. Without a chandelier your home is not religious. It’s not a written commandment, but Frum homes need a chandelier. Guard the Religious Sites Have them in charge of holy sites. There will be no more arguments. They wouldn't let anybody in until Mashiach came. A Shalom Peace Corps So many ways to help the Midina. Serve the country by standing in the shuk and asking shopkeepers to stop yelling. “No reason to scream 'two shekels.' If they want apples they will see the sign.” They can also hold the stop signs for kids leaving school. Why a six-year-old is directing traffic is beyond me. It's just another cause for internal conflict. They can make the beaches safer by getting people to wear clothes. Nobody needs to see the eighty-three-year-olds in underwear. It's about Shalom. The Shalom Corps will let people at the supermarket know it's rude to ask me to watch their cart and save their spot on line while they go shopping. That is for me. I’m getting very frustrated. And they can help people build Sukkahs. That’s where the Shalom Peace Corps’ construction abilities stop. Sukkahs. Our peace corps is run by religious Jews. Don't ask us to build something that lasts longer than a week. We'll help the poor people get by till next Shabbis. Educate People How to Protest Charedim show up for that stuff. They had around 500k at that protest on Thursday. You’ve got to treat it like a funeral. Funerals are a big draw. You go to a funeral, you stand on a light pole. However they do it, my Charedi brothers know how to organize. Charedim have protesting down. And they do that thing where they lay down on the street. They know how to stop traffic. With their protest abilities they could've blockaded Hamas and stopped flow of supplies in a minute. Let Them Run the Mossad Charedim have a secret underground network of information. How do so many show up for these protests? They know how to network. You need to find a decent doctor, get in with the Charedim. Charedim should be doing the undercover Mossad stuff. Get some Ger guys. Big guys, so might be noticeable. Take a chance. Some shtreimels are a little smaller. You can probably go undercover with those. Warriors of H' Brigade A grown man Tzivos H’. Tzivos H’ is the Frum brigade’s ROTC. We need Mitzvahs spread, and the Warriors of H’ brigade can do that. The Kiruv unit will be there to bring people closer to Yiddishkeit, by throwing rocks at Jews not keeping Shabbis. Tefillin unit, run by Chabad guys- as they’ve mastered Tefillin wrapping, will make sure there are Tefillin on every Jew. Start wrapping Tefillin on the anti-Israel Arab population, they will run. They will get as far away from Israel as possible. Tefillah unit, praying when in battle. They will say Tehillim. Every religious Jew knows Psalms is how you win a war. I don’t know any Jewish mother in America who thinks their Tehillim is not the reason Israel was saved. Did you see the rally yesterday? The amount of Kavanah, connection and intent on those prayers. They were meditating, and crying to Gd. Gd had to answer those prayers. If they concentrated their Tefillah on the lives of those going to war, we would win in a second. Sheirut Leumi, National Service, won’t happen. You can’t learn Torah when helping the elderly. Acts of kindness, Chesed, is paramount to being a good Jew, unless if helping Jews. If doing Chesed is serving the country, it's forbidden. Other than that, your life should be only about doing Chesed. The problem is doing Mitzvahs for Israel. You’re not supposed to help. Respecting your elders is a Mitzvah. Again, Mivatel Torah. Wasting time from Torah. You're supposed to learn about the Mitzvahs. You're not supposed to do them. I hope this helps. I think this plan can work. We just need a rebbe’s Haskama letter. Let the Charedi community run the army. Rules will be followed. And if you don't follow the law, you'll be put in Charim. Excommunication is a form of imprisonment nobody wants. You find people not keeping the law, they have to get a job and wear jeans. Come to think of it, you can learn Daf Yomi. They have those podcasts. Some listen to Rage Against the Machine when they go out to war. There is no problem with our Chayalim listening to Baba Basra and Zevachim at double speed. I'll bet that's what those Dati Leumi heretics do with their smartphones. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke V: Noach10/25/2025 
Announcements
Winter is coming. We ask people stop coughing again. Samantha coughed the other day. She shouldn’t have. She was wrong for trying to kill everybody. She’s evil. If she ever sneezes, she belongs in Gehenim. People can come back to shul. The holidays are over. There will be no appeals. The shul has given up. We’re going to pray that the congregants at least pay dues. H’ Yishmor. Gd should protect us from our board and renovations. Many people have complained about the Grossmans’ family last week. They hosted the relatives, and the cousins didn’t bring gifts. We want to let everybody know that the Grossmans did give bags of stuff for you to give to their guests that were staying at your homes. That is considered a gift. You missed the Simcha last week. If you didn’t see it in the announcements, it wasn’t there. You missed the celebration. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Cough on People and Feel Fine About It - A Congregation With No Manners. The History of The Hidden Families Who Are Not Seen at Shul - The Hidden Jews of Appeals. What to Expect From Your Guests and The Torah Mitzvah of Hosting People to Get a Bottle of Wine. How To Miss a Simcha With Our Office Staff - A Series in More Announcements They Forgot. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We ruined the world, but Gd orders us to go back and work it... We’re descendants of Noach. And the board has ruined the shul... After being on the ark for a year, the land is dry and Noach is told to leave the ark. (Bereishit 8:16) H’ tells Noach, “Leave from the ark. You and your wife and your sons and your sons’ wives with you.” Sometimes we have to be told to go out. Leave... No. I mean it. Bernie. You are a disturbance. Every sermon, you talk. Leave... When you go from the ark, you have to take your wife with you. I think we all understand that Noach might have wanted to run from the kids. Those things can ruin a vacation. Having to deal with them on a ship for that long... H' had to make it clear to go from the ark. Noach knew what he had to do. H' told him. He had to leave the ark. Mitzvahs are easy. H' tells you what to do. You keep Shabbat... If you believe and are not a heretic like Gideon, it's easy. But when you all come to me with questions like, "Can I at least go on a little trip on Shabbis?" No. You can't. It's Shabbat. It's easy. When you're not trying to weasel your way out... Only thing complicated is the president of the board. You take direction from her and you're stuck asking what the... Shul is easy. You have an ark, an Aron. That's the command. A Bima... Your ideas ruining shul renovations. You're renovating quilts. Things aren't clear when you put your "personal touch" touch on it. Because you're selfish. The land was dry. Noach could've figured it out. It's dry, you can go outside. It wasn't Topeka in the fall. Why didn’t he just go outside?... It was a year. He was used to being inside. Have you seen the pale members of this shul? Been inside for two hours and this is how they look. We have to be told to go out. Children have to go outside sometimes, or they get chubby like the junior congregants... Paper football is not a way to keep in shape... You don't run in paper football. It's football with a paper towel... When we're stuck. We lose a sense of clarity. We have to be told. And this is why I am telling Bernie to leave... B"H. He let. Elokim is used here to tell Noach to leave. Elokim, Gd, in his aspect of judgment tells us to leave the ark. Sternness. We need a push. You get stuck. After more than a year of hardship and catastrophe what do you do? After a year of seeing how much renovations can kill a decent looking shul. How much damage a committee can do. You leave that place and you start anew... I am proposing to get out of here, because this place isn’t safe anymore. The committee has ruined the structure of the building... I don't trust Fran and Duvidel with decisions of construction... Duvidel ruined the Sukkah when he touched the screwdriver. He just touched the screwdriver and the Sukkah fell. Didn't even use the screwdriver. His being around tools breaks things... The foundation of our shul is compromised... I understand you've worked in foundations. But we are not asking donors to reinforce the concrete... Haamek Davar teaches that to leave the ark, it is the Elokim, Gd who created nature. Not just Gd of judgment. It is Gd who rules over nature. Gd's aspect of judgement created nature, because it needs order. It needs understanding. It needs people that are not part of our shul to run it right... We must outsource all committees. From now on, all shul committees will be outsourced to non-shul members... Creativity comes once we first have the sternness. We have to be told to work nature. Told to bring out the animals. When overcoming trauma, we need a little push. A promising push. And now that we're overcoming the board, I am giving a little push. We need a push. We need to be told it's fine to go... And be the ones to take out the animals. We need to be told to have compassion. When we are finally out in nature, we need compassion to continue it. We have to bring the animals with us... We have to follow in Gd’s ways. We are now told to come together. To not hurt one another. To not kill. The youth of our shul have to hear this. I have never seen such violent paper football... People have feared coughing since COVID. You need to be told you can cough. I shall say it. You can cough! Some of you haven’t coughed in years. You should all be thanking Samantha. Her Yom Kippur cough open the floodgates of COVID. You heard here cough and you started hacking away. Sneezes... All afraid of being deemed evil for sneezing. Now you sneeze... Thanks to Samantha for letting us know, it’s fine... All afraid of being evil and getting others sick. Shlomo sneezed in his mask. Disgusting Shlomo. Leave the mask... I for one am happy COVID is over. Cough deprived. Menachem held it in for 5 years. People haven't been able to chuch without being kicked out of shul. For years. We're here to tell you it's fine. Samantha did the Chesed of letting us know you can chuch... Loudest chuch I've ever heard. Five years of chuching. Now Merv can finally turn a page... He needs to chuch to get out the spittle, so he has the stickiness to turn the page. If I have to explain... Masks came off, all the sudden these people aged five years. In my shul that's twenty. You guys look twenty years older. You are being told. "Leave the mask"... You are leaving the masks uglier than I remember them. You guys look better when I can just see the eyes... Due to Samantha's Chesed and my telling you to leave, you can finally be kind again and visit the sick. Till now, the COVID protocol of Chesed was to stay away from the sick and let them die... If for nothing. Thank you, Samantha, for giving us that moment of relief. Even if the Finkelwitzs think you're evil for having allergies... And once the masks came off, one or two of you even smiled. Disturbing. But it was a relief. You can come to shul now. This is something you can do... I thought nobody came to shul for the holidays because you were worried about appeals. The shul is just full of bad Jews who don't show... I didn’t even do appeals this year... You still haven’t given your appeals from last year. Once you're out in the world, going to shul, you have to act right. You have to give a gift for meals. You go to a house, you give a gift so people don’t complain... A bottle of Manischewitz doesn't suffice... The big questions is, “Do you have to give a gift when crashing at somebody's home for a Simcha???” I have no idea how to answer that... They did you a favor, but they don't know you... I agree. The favor was for the Grossmans. Nobody knows their cousins from Ottawa. It’s on the Grossmans. It was their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah... It’s a Chutzpah for the shul to get involved. They didn’t even announce the Bat Mitzvah. It shouldn't have been in the announcements... However, the Grossmans didn’t even give one of those little paper bags... Henry. You have to give a little paper bag with handles. What you put in it is not important. A paper bag with handles and flimsy scrunchy paper... Yes. The flimsy scrunchy paper needs to be a color!!! We're not talking about the Finkelmans now... They did give you a gift. I know they came over for dinner and they gave you wine. A bottle of wine is a gift? Is it not?... It wasn't Manischewitz... Manischewitz peach wine?! That's better than wine. That suffices. That's value. They don't even make that anymore... How much do you need to spend on a gift? What do you expect? There is no end... I don't care if they bought it. Our board put up a quilt Sarah Malkah messed up and said it was valuable... They should've coughed on you. And stop going off on the Grossmans. Are they supposed to do renovations on your kitchen for hosting the mother’s sister?!... I am trying to help you all become decent people, but it is hard. Gd has compassion. He smells Noach’s offering and has compassion. Right after the flood, H' is compassionate. (Bereishit 8:21) Because we are bad from our childhood. “Man’s heart is evil from its youth.” Like the kids of our shul. H' realizes that the only way to deal with these evil people is to be compassionate. Again. We must follow in H's ways for this world to exist... H' would've been fine hosting without receiving a gift. It's called Hachnasat Orchim... Having guests is the Mitzvah. It's clear. Giving gifts is not clear. Hence, people don't want you as a guest, Bernie. Why is he back?! Chamas. Robbery. This is why H’ wanted to destroy the world. It was destroyed already. They didn't have compassion on each other. The world can't exist like this. You rob people of life. You rob people of coughing. You rob people of wanting to come to shul. You rob people of enjoying a good brisket at your home... Because you invite them to bring you schnapps... How do you enjoy yourself as a guest when you paid more than the what you're getting out of the meal... Enjoyment as a guest is a mathematical equation. You subtract the retail price of the gift from what you ate at the meal. If the cost of your guest is within ten dollars of what you ate, you got ripped off... There have been meals where I overstuffed myself, so that hosts could get the Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim. If I paid forty dollars for a bottle of whiskey, I have to eat a lot of brisket and kugel. Otherwise, the host is going to Gehenim... Hachnasat Orchim is beautiful, but you people mess it up. You turn having guests into an Aveirah. Thank you for owning the fact that the board ruined another Simcha. Thank you for letting us know we missed out on another Kiddish, because the Grossman Bat Mitzvah was not in the announcements last week… It was a Bat Mitzvah. If it was a Bar Mitzvah, nobody would've wanted to be there. Do you really want to be at those things? Do you want to hear those kids Layn?... It’s better to not know. To have to listen to that kid messing up the Torah reading... Like the people in the time of Noach. You have brought down society. You make Simchas not enjoyable. Celebrations with you causes hatred and violence... Simchas don’t cause hatred and violence?! Did you see what happened to the Gabai when he called up the wrong uncle up for an Aliyah?! After we have the clarity of what to do, we need to do it with compassion. Push yourself out to the world. And when you’re there, have compassion. Don't bother your rabbi when he's trying to relax in his office with peach Manischewitz... Go out. Work a little. Do something decent. Be useful, unlike Katherine, who still hasn't coughed since COVID. Don’t eat the blood of people, like the board who are a bunch of parasites... How do you celebrate when you have a board? I want to apologize to the Grossmans. It takes acceptance. We have to accept people suck... I have given up on you doing what's right. On you being decent people. We need compassion. That's the lesson. With a membership like we have. With a board and renovation committee that let you down. The only way for us to continue is through compassion. My Bat Mitzvah from last week. We're proud of you. If you're still here. Get out there. Take a chance with these people who don't give gifts and don't pay dues. Invite them for dinner. They'll be bad conversation. Don't fear. You can't mess up more than our congregants. Take that screwdriver. No matter how many generations of messed up trauma and parents telling us we are Jews, we have to push ourselves out to have that confidence... Don't use the screwdriver on Shabbat. It's Muktzah... Just look at the kids of this shul. Issues. They have issues. And we have to have compassion... Without compassion you just want to hurt them... Rivka's Rundown After much convincing that the building won't collapse, even though Fran is in charge of construction, the rabbi allowed us to keep the shul. In his argument for a better world, and H' not destroying it, the rabbi talked of how it is forbidden for members of our shul to make decisions. Our members involved in anything is bad. I think that's what the rabbi was saying. That is the clear message from Gd in the Parsha. The rabbi started outsourcing everything. He outsourced the board to the church. He outsourced the building committee to what he said are builders. It turns out it was just nonJews, and a guy who knew immigrants. That no coughing announcement was crazy. The board is crazy. I think it was a committee decision. The shul still has a COVID Committee. It’s an alliteration so they think it’s a program. I am getting sick of the left-wing members. I want to be around right-wing people who are fine getting other people sick. I think the rabbi was telling the congregants it's fine to go out from the shul. It's fine to leave the shul. It's fine to not be members anymore. He wants them gone. The rabbi almost got fired for saying COVID is over. Some of the Jews had no idea what to do, without a cause that made them better than you. They needed a new cause. One or two defected, went to New York and joined a campaign to vote for Mamdani. People were thanking Samantha. Opened up the floodgates of COVID for everybody. We're just happy for Menachem, who's now allowed to finally cough in his house. After five years of no coughing and sneezing, he owes Samantha a thank you. The rabbi is correct though. The membership is a lot uglier with masks off. There is something to the niqab. If the singles in our shul went with that style when dating, they'd have Truth is the shul just gave up. They didn't even do a Yizkur appeal this year. They know nobody will give anything. Everybody’s given up. Even the fundraising committee has given up on fundraising. When a committee says they’re not going to meet, there’s a problem. These are people who have nothing to do. The committee is all they have. It's got to be a day of not wanting to bother the rabbi for them to give up. The fundraising committee hasn’t even paid their dues. Arguments as to what gifts are necessary from a guest has taken over the community discussion this week. Israel has not been mentioned once. I think our community is more worried about a bottle of alcohol than Israel. At least if they have to purchase it. And not one member of our community has ever brought a bottle of Sabra liqueur for a dinner. The lack of Israel support is almost as bad as their lack of support for shul. The board has decided that when you visit for a Shabbat dinner, you have to bring more than one bottle of wine. This is the Manischewitz Rule. Due to the worry that our members will go Manischewitz on gift cost, the two-bottle rule is there. When crashing at somebody’s house, you don’t have to bring anything. The Baalei SImcha do, as they're the ones who have the guests coming in from out of town for the Simcha. The conclusion is the community is doing the Baalei Simcha a favor. The family guests coming to town are Simcha bystanders. It's not their fault the girl is having a Bat Mitzvah. Expecting gifts is crazy. I don’t want anybody to bring anything. Just themselves. The Frum people say to bring nothing for dinner. They’re worried we’ll Treif up the kitchen With this whole gift discussion, I don't want to be a guest anymore. I'm going to start staying in hotels. It's cheaper. And I will make it a point to not tip them. Due to the rabbi not wanting the board to make a decision, because it will lead to disaster, the rabbi came up with Takana Gifts. When you're a guest, you can only give a gift up to ten dollars. This is the decree. Now people want to be guests again. And nobody wants to have guests. No more Hachnasat Orchim. It follows the idea of Takana weddings, where the families running the Simchas only pay up to forty dollars a head, and nobody wants to show, because they know the brisket will be dry. And they will skimp on the pigs-in-a-blanket. The idea is that now all Simchas cost less, and nobody comes. The true idea is to figure out a way for people to not want to be at these parties. Nobody likes them. They just want to go, smile for two minutes. Let the Chatan and Kalah know they were there. They want to hear that they don't have to give a gift. It's really about getting out of gifts. The rabbi is right. And in our shul, it's also about not wanting to see people. The Stuff That Our Announcements Missed class turned into a list of stuff they forgot to announce. High Holiday seats were forgot. The shul softball team tryouts were forgot, for the better. Danny's eightieth birthday. You don't miss an eightieth. You can miss a wedding. Not an eightieth. People here an eightieth and they get a warm feeling of love in their heart. They hear about a wedding and they're trying to figure out "how?!" And you don't announce it when it's a woman's eightieth. Very complicated what to do in that situation. You just celebrate. Call it a Bat Mitzvah. I am fine with them missing the announcements. There's too much celebrating. I like hearing when I missed a Simcha. There were a lot of chuchs in the class. The board called off Minyin, as there were worried somebody would catch COVID from a chuch. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Since Sukkot, I've been watching a lot of JNS TV, J-TV, The Israel Guys, and other people who are on my side. I guess I am biased. But if they're not reporting it, I don't see it. It makes me feel good when I watch the news I want to hear.
Here is what I've garnered. Donald Trump went to Israel and then Egypt, giving beautiful speeches about peace. Boy. That got a lot of people mad. Talking about peace will have you hated by people who want peace. The 20-point peace plan is on stage eight, but still on stage one. Hamas has to disarm and disband. After thinking about it a little more, Hamas thinks that's not a good idea. It doesn’t seem a good way to continue Hamas. Turns out that part of the peace deal is Hamas can still attack. Turkey is fine with this. JD Vance told us that the getting rid of munitions is going to take a long time. To fire all of your weapons at Israel is not something that can be done in one day. Candace Owens has convinced everybody that Israel runs everything. Israel is blamed for the Gazan guy with no legs, as he blew them off himself. To quote Fleur Hassan-Nahoum from JNS, “Look what Israel did.” Why do you think Gazans mess up so many bombs? Israel. And Israel put together that curriculum to teach the Arab children to hate Israel. With the paint by number pictures illustrating the Mitzvah to kill Jews. Hamas executes their people. Still, nobody is protesting Hamas. Protests are still against Israel, as Israel runs Hamas. Candace has made that clear. And it's Trump’s fault for talking about peace. Trump expressed ideas of a peaceful world. That was the mistake. I believe it went, “We should have peace. Peace is beautiful. The peace plan is beautiful. You’re beautiful. It's a beautiful peace plan. A lot of beautiful people here who want peace. Peace in the Middle East. Sounds beautiful. A world of peace.” And “Screw Trump!!!” I believe that was the response. He was talking a lot about beauty. Something about peace too. The response of Americans against tyranny, “I hate you. What is this about. What the... You suck!!! I hate you!!! Go to hell!!!” Hamas hasn't returned the bodies of the deceased hostages, because they can't find them. Israel’s fault. Pallywood news is reporting, "Some of the Zionist bodies have run away. How Israel does this." Hamas won the war. Winning the war by saying, “I won the war.” And that is how you win a war. And then killing your own people. That was a statement. "We can kill our people better than anybody." Turns out Wikipedia hates Jews too. Genocide now means trying to save the lives of civilians. See Gaza Genocide on Wikipedia if you want to puke. Candace Owens is their main contributor. The way you prove something is a genocide is by saying “it’s a genocide.” Reason and definition are not important. And that is the new debate technique that I use when I have no idea what’s going on. How a population grows during a genocide, I do not know. But it’s a genocide. Greta Thunberg has not been in the news standing up against the public executions of Gazans by Hamas. She is still trying to figure out how that affects global warming. There are New York Jews who want to vote who hates Jews and wants their people to die, because it makes them feel more Jewish. Zio has become the term used by university students, who now major in Pally Sci. Thank you. I came up with Pally Sci. I’m very proud of that. My one contribution to the debate. My understanding is that classes are A World Run By Zios and Reasons We Can't Buy Anything Anymore. If a university will allow me to audit, I would love to learn more about Zios and how the Jewish nation are the only ones who’ve never experienced genocide. For some reason, the only thing Israel doesn't control is how Zionists are referred to. Personal Note: I love the shortening of the term to Zio. It's quite cool. I feel hip being part of the Zio movement. Oxford University is harboring football hooligans who can't rhyme. To quote, "Gaza, Gaza, make us proud, put the Zios in the ground." Which was "workshopped." If it was workshopped with talented songwriters, it would’ve been “put the Zios in the crowd.” Poor education. All the amazing stories of inspiration from the hostages and soldiers, of hope and value of life, is proof of genocide. To quote, "I hear that the Jews are praying, and wishing for peace. And then they bring food to the Gazans. Just to kill them. It's all murder. Mass killings. How else do you explain the seventy-thousand births in Gaza over the past two years?! Genocide!!! I hate Trump. Evil man, spreading his genocidal ideas of peace." Outcry for the mistreatment of the terrorist murderer prisoners in Israeli prisons, held in Israeli prisons hostages, has been heard around the world. Another war crime done by Israel. Taking terrorist murderers as prisoners. And there are even stories of them being treated as prisoners. Again. A war crime. Many are worried about the welfare of the terrorists released from Israeli prisons. Don't worry. They will be OK. They made a lot of money in prison and they are free now to go out and kill civilians. All is OK. They are free to execute their people. And how do I know that prisoners are now called hostages? Wikipedia. And now sports hate Jews too. Indonesia refuses to give visas to Israelis for the World Artistic Gymnastics Championship, worried the gymnasts may attack with floor exercises. I now see Israel is harboring athletes like Artem Dolgopyat, the defending world floor champion, who is known for violent genocidal twirls and a hula hoop. And then that thing he does with ribbons. All not safe. Israel soccer fans are banned from England. Maccabi Tel Aviv has to find new fans among the lovers of Zion in Birmingham City. Birmingham fans are ready to support Maccabi Tel Aviv with the new chant they’ve workshopped. “Israel, Israel, make us proud. Put the Zios in the crowd.” UK Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, recognized a Palestinian State, which the Palestinians don't recognize. Israel has to give up Judea and Samaria. This is a new part of the peace plan that JD Vance created. Otherwise, it’ll be too hard for the Muslim Brotherhood to attack Israel. And the Chardim are the reason for all of this. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
This month we focused on some of the not as well known Halachas of the holidays. Now that the holidays are over, and you don't have to worry about doing these Mitzvot, you can learn about them.
We do Hatarat Nedarim, annulling of vows, the morning before Rosh Hashana. This way you don’t have to follow up on hurting everybody at shul. Kaparot, meaning atonement, is a custom where we transfer our sins onto a chicken by flipping it around our head. Why the chicken is now blamed for you being late to shul. That’s how the world works... I for one am going to try to stay away from sinners who have the ability to flip me around their head. Some say if there’s discomfort you wouldn’t have in a home, you don’t have to sleep in a Sukkah. I hold by that. My home has walls not made of linen. And I don't feel it's right to argue with rabbis who say you don't have to sleep in a Sukkah. They're doing what they can to help the people. The originally Chabad rebbes felt the Sukkah is too holy. Which is why they couldn’t sleep in it. Only a Tzadik can come up with that good of a reason to not sleep in a Sukkah. Even more so, Chabad Chasidim don’t sleep in the Sukkah, as they follow their rebbes. Which is why Chabad has grown so much, gaining many followers over the years. During this season it’s much more comfortable to sleep under a roof that doesn’t have holes in it. After much study, it appears that Rav Nachman of Breslov didn't suggest to not sleep in a Sukkah, causing for a decrease in the number of Chasidim. To quote Chabad.org (https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/article_cdo/aid/2300191/jewish/Sukkos-The-Sukkah-and-Sleeplessness.htm) “The Mitteler Rebbe once asked his chassidim: ‘How is it possible to sleep in Makkifim d’Binah?’ This means that the sukkah is illuminated by an extremely lofty level of holiness. As such, the Mitteler Rebbe expressed astonishment that his chassidim could sleep there, in keeping with the verse (Bereishit 28:16): ‘Behold, G‑d is found in this place, and I knew it not,’ upon which Rashi comments: ‘Had I known, I would not have slept in so sacred a place…’ So when one is clearly aware of the holiness of the sukkah, the law allows one to sleep in his home. For when a person knows he will be unable to fall asleep in the sukkah, he is permitted to sleep in his house… This is why the Previous Rebbe did not sleep in the sukkah...” And this is how you know the Mitteler Rebbe was a true wise man who understood the depths of Torah, a Talmid Chacham. Only a true Talmid Chacham can come up with such a brilliant reason to not do a Mitzvah. Before this idea of not sleeping in Sukkahs came up, Chasidim didn’t follow their rebbes. It was only after this decision that all Chasidim took it upon themselves to follow everything their rabbi does. Unless that means learning too much Torah. It’s tradition for the one doing Hagba, the lifting of the Torah, on Simchat Torah to cross the hands so the Torah flips around in the air, and for the congregants have an anxiety attack. Jews have anxiety attacks when they’re worried they’ll have to fast. Another reason given is because Pirkei Avot (5:26) teaches that when it comes to Torah you’re supposed to “turn it over and over, for everything is in it.” Even so, it does not say to flip it around. Nor does it say to do a somersault while balancing the Torah on your forehead. Nor does it say to make the whole congregation jump out of their seats in fear that you called the weakest guy in the shul to lift the Torah. It turns out, most have taken that Pirkei Avot to teach us to constantly learn Torah. And I have not witnessed many people sitting in the Beit Midrash flipping Torah scrolls all day. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke V: Bereishit10/19/2025
Announcements
No more playing in shul. It turns out that fun is very dangerous. Due to fun, Sara ended up in the hospital. We will thus be banning the Bouncy Bima for two weeks. It’s the beginning of the year. Bereishit. The first Parsha. Please don’t kill it for the congregation again. Do not do what you did last year. Be a different you for the rest of the shul. Just don’t be you. Simchat Torah was dedicated to the living hostages coming home. It was also dedicated to the soldiers and all of the victims of the terror attacks since October Seventh. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Get Injured at Junior Congregation- A Psychological Study of Children of Our Congregants at Play. How to Not Be You- The Art of Making Other People Happy. Simchat Torah and How Our Dancing Embarrassed a Nation. How to Forget Something Very Important and Then To Dedicate It The Next Week Because Your Board Got A Lot of Complaints. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Bereishit is about the beginning. In the beginning Gd did not create you. It was the Garden of Eden. Things were good... If He would've seen our membership right away, He would've destroyed the world before Noach. It's good we came around six thousand years later. It’s the first Parsha. Everything you did last year was wrong. It’s time for resolutions. Resolutions of you not to mess up again... You’ll be able to apologize for the new resolutions that you mess up, again this year, when the High Holidays come around next year. In the meantime, I pray that at least the Baal Koreh reads Bereishit right... You messed it up last year. The way you read it, I was starting to think that octopus was created on the third day. It was like you were reading "and the serpent was good"... Well, that's how your reading sounded... Nobody wants to hear about your vegetable patch in your backyard, Fran. Gd didn’t care for Kayns... Let’s talk about kids. Wild brothers. Kayn and Hevel. Now everybody listens. This speaks to you. You see the kids in our shul... Hundreds, mid-thirties, kindergarten. It was all the same back then... Kayn kills Hevel. I wouldn’t be surprised if something goes down at youth groups. Paper football is the cause of much violence... We're talking about Cain and Abel. But we're Jews, so we pronounce their names correctly. Menachem. (Bereishit 4:10) Gd asks Kayn, “What have you done?” Kayn throws off responsibility like any member of Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Plays dumb. "Oh. I don't know what happened to the ice machine"... Then who threw it out?! No fessers. Nobody fessses up... Like he didn't do it. Kayn then throws this line, (Bereishit 4:9) “Am I my brother’s watcher?!” Of course, this is after he killed him... Guarder is more correct than "keeper." I know "keeper" sounds cooler. But you are not cool. Watch you brother... You're not coole enough to not care. Nobody here cares about anybody else. Care about saving life at least. Can't even do guard duty at the front of the shul correctly... You let in Pinchas. He's annoying. What have you done? Ruining Shacharit for everybody... I thought we all knew Moishie walks real loud, getting in his steps in the back of the shul. Keep him out. We all have the responsibility to be decent to people. We can't disregard our responsibilities in this Olam. In this world, you're supposed to keep a Mitzvot, and a tidy home... There is a chance for Teshuva. Even if you work shul security and bring your kids to shul to run around the Bima. Kayn threw off the responsibility of guarding his brother. And Rashi teaches, when H’ asks “Where is your brother” it's in this soft tone to give Kayn a chance to do Teshuva. And he throws off that responsibility to repent too. At that point, what do you do? In our community, you don't invite him over for Friday night dinner. And that is rude... We have the responsibility to guard our community. To watch over it. To care for each other. And you all throw that off. Not very far. None of you have a decent arm. We saw that last summer, on the shul softball team. Couldn't even throw to home plate from the infield... What have you done? Like Kayn. You messed up the shul. I ask "what have you done" at every board meeting... He is cursed after he doesn’t take the blame. Again. We speak of responsibility. Take responsibility. For your kids especially. They’re crazy... Fran. You care more about the vegetable patch than your grandkids... "Am I the guarder of my children?" Yes. "Am I the watcher of my children?" Yes. "Am I watching too many series on Max?" Yes. It is now time to do Teshuva. We ask parents to watch their kids. A big ask. That won’t happen. Maybe a New Year’s Resolution... OK. A Bereishit Resolution to watch your kids. At least watch that they don't bother everybody else... Yes. They bother people. Your cute little kids? Nobody likes them... If it’s not a Bouncy Bima, why are they doing floor routines on it?! Simchat Torah cannot happen again. No more fun in shul. This Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Playhouse Funhouse is chasing away members and families... When kids aren't having fun because other kids are having fun... The kids are crazy. I saw tumbling in shul, a kid running across the Bima and the stage in front of the Aron, yelling out during announcements. And then I saw a commando crawl in front of the Aron. And that was one kid… It was your kid. He was yelling, "What's up, Doc?" Where does it say that in the Torah. No. Show me. Where does it say that in the Siddur. I want to know. Kayn didn't even say that... During announcements, the same kid re-apologized for the shul president and yelled, “He said he apologizes!!!” Between us, still people hate the president, and I can't stand him. Then your child stood on the chair and repeated, "He said he apologizes!!!" Be a dad…. How did you not see that. The whole shul saw it. You should apologize to the shul. Where are the parents!!! There's more. I saw a kid bouncing a ball during Layning. Other kids were throwing a ball during Ein Keylokeynu. I saw them playing over the Mechitzah, like it was a game of Newcomb. I saw three girls picking up their skirts. But I did not see that. Want to make that clear… The girl with the pink checkered jacket with matching purse was cute. Cutest thing we ever saw. Which is why kids are allowed in shul. I saw kids tumbling the aisle. Cartwheels. Followed by a somersault. I saw a kid running the back aisle. Doing laps… Probably gets it from Samantha who gets her steps in during Davening. Wait. Kids were yelling…. Crazy thing. They were all in shul. How? I do not know. Where are the parents!!! No Teshuva. No ownership. This is why we read Kohelet last Shabbat. Because this is what happens when there is... Why is this child up on here right now?! Where are the parents!!! You lose a sense of life and our duties and everything is Hevel, vanity, or kids going crazy... Other people cannot whack your child. So we will have a police force to sign off on our public servants enacting the law. They will parent for you… Like a Kibbutz. The great thing about Kibbutzes is that everybody parents your child. So it's legal to tell your child to shut up... Potching is allowed. We want to thank our police force for keeping kids quiet during Adon Olam. All parents have to sign that they can lock up your children if you want to bring them to shul. The document reads, "If my child's parent is incapable of shutting up my child during the Torah reading, my child will be sentenced to elementary school in prison." They got a child police person. Need these kids fearing lock up for them to behave. They now call the junior congregation service “the yard,” because it’s violent. One kid, a third grader got his head bashed by a Tonka, due to fun. Got to stop fun. Fun is dangerous. Where are the parents!!! Whenever there is fun, we must ask, "Where is your brother?" And your kids overreacted on Simchat Torah... It’s your fault they couldn’t handle the three pounds of candy in a responsible way... The dancing was for our people. Commemorating our nation. Our living nation. It was a resolution to live for our people. Still have no idea what Merv's dancing was about... First we must take ownership. Bereishit resolution... Yes. Another resolution. Rosh Hashana resolutions, you already messed up. Three weeks and you're already eating chocolate. The resolution this congregation needs is to change everything. Your kids... Not to adopt new ones. Just change your kids... And change the toddlers too. At least clean them. Disgusting little things. A resolution to not talk about your tomato patch. H' wants Teshuva... Yes, I'm talking in a soft voice. That's how you get people to do Teshuva... Teshuva cannot exist with justification... No justification for your children. This passive justification leads to Kayn becoming a "wanderer on earth" (Bereishit 4:12). When you shun responsibility. When you damage. When you don't fess up. You are a wanderer. Kind of like your kids who wander the halls and destroy the shul. Without ownership, our deeds remain wrong. You end up with a shul board. Let us take ownership so we don't become wanderers. Pay your dues. Fess. We need more fessing. Where is the Yad for the Torah? Who took it? Fess up. Rivka's Rundown People ran to Kiddish after the sermon. They thought the rabbi was saying to Fress. The congregation agrees. Hearing about Fran's vegetable patch is getting annoying. I am beginning to think our shul has a lot of board meetings. And it seems like they're doing nothing there, other than throwing away important stuff in the shul and not fessing. And it’s this lack of fessing that leads to softball team where everybody thinks they’re good. Boy, is that annoying. When they think they’re good and for some reason nobody can catch a ball. The rabbi dealt a lot with brothers. vZot HaBracha he talks of Zevulun and Yissachar. Here he speaks of brothers that don't get along. Our congregants like the Cain and Abel relationship more. To quote, "I see my kids, and I like to think they're kind of like those two." Why they couldn’t do two bulletins, one for vZot HaBracha and one for Bereishit. I think it's wrong. VZot HaBracha never gets its own thing. Just because it wasn't on Shabbis doesn't mean it's not a Parsha. VZot HaBracha deserves more credit. That’s all I’m saying. Maybe the shul should give it a little more of a shoutout in the announcements. Anyways, I hope the sermon got parents to accept that they suck. Nothing about Israel for Simchat Torah was mentioned. No announcement last week. That is usually how our office works. The announcements go, "We missed the Simcha last week. Wish the Grossmans a Mazel Tov on their daughter's Bat Mitzvah. We hope people showed up. We also missed the Israeli Parade of Support. But we support it now. Walk around the block for Israel if you can." Did the rabbi ban Simchat Torah next year because of little Brenda and Barry pulling hair during Adon Olam? I don't know how Kayn messed up the shul. I think that was part of his message. I know the kids destroyed the hallways. The rabbi was hoping Bereishit would help make things good. A new start. But as he said, "There are still congregants." "No justification for your children." That hurt. Crazy kids in the shul. They are whacky. No question about that. The rabbi used safety and security to get everybody to agree that fun has to stop. You say safety and security nowadays, the shul has to do what you said. We have security in junior congregation. It turns out that when there's security, the kids focus better during the Chidon HaTorah quiz. We also implemented the cop presence at playgroups. Which has led to less biting and more sharing of the huge non-eatable LEGO bricks. The rabbi proposed somebody watch the parents. The security watched the parents. It turns out, the parents don’t watch the kids. The security team reported back that they watched the parents not watching the kids. I've never seen so many parents in support of their kids going to the state penitentiary. Everybody cheered for the police force. A bunch of left-wingers who are against locking people up, unless if their kids who make noise in shul. But they're still worried about their kids eating candy. I don't know if the locking up of children who talk during Torah reading is enforceable. Even so, the bylaws were written into shul policy, and police have thrown some of the children and parents out of shul. We have brought it to city council and city court. They are still discussing whether biting in playgroups and jumping on the Bima during Adon Olam are criminal offenses. And then there was a Bar Mitzvah on Shabbat Bereishit. The amount of candy is crazy. Now the kids got more candy. These parents don't want their kids eating the candy, yet the kids are loading up bags. I have a feeling these parents are using it for Halloween. Parents are stashing the candy, saving money on the Laffy Taffy. Then they give it out on Halloween. That's why Simchat Torah gets so many people showing up. Save on the Walmart trip. The Bar Mitzvah wasn't mentioned in the announcements. They might announce it for Parshat Noach. "You missed the Bar Mitzvah last week. If you want more candy, show up to the Lefkowitz home for Halloween. They will have Kosher candy." It's hard giving a Drasha in a Frum shul. The rabbi can’t even say the words of the prayers. “Keylokeynu.” I started picking up that when the rabbi uses a lot of Ks, he’s referencing Gd. You see how Frum I am. When I reference Gd, out of respect, I don’t write Gd. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
They were funny pioneers. They kept Kibbutzing. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kibbitzing means joking and banter. Kibbutzing is when people on the Kibbutz, the pioneers, do it. I came up with that. Thank you. They were interested in bacon, because they were Apikurious. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? An Apikores is a heretic. Epicurious is being interested in food and new dishes. If Torah interested them, they’d be Torahcurious. They wouldn't be curious in eating nonKosher food. Apikurious people also want to eat the food. The definition of Apikurious is not out there yet, so I have taken the liberty to define it. I would be curious to hear a differing opinion. The men declared that the Piyutim, liturgical poems, were for them. "Which is why they are called Hymns." (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Hims. Hymns. They sound the same. We call the hymns for Selichot, Piyutim. The women wanted to read Hyrs. But those don't exist. The men in that community should share the Hymns with the women, as they're for everybody. To give historical context. For the sake of peace and nonjudgmental living, homophones are for straight people too. This New Year has been going real well Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Thought I would share that. So far. Here it’s Shofar. It’s Rosh Hashana, and the guy had a lisp. And I’m also feeling good Shofar. I played poker against Satan's lawyer. I was playing devil's advocate. (Mordechai) You get it? The Satan is the devil. His lawyer advocates for him. You shouldn’t play poker with the devil's lawyer before Yom Kippur... It gets confusing. Is Mordechai the devil's advocate, or is the lawyer the advocate? Or are they both? I got a crazy citron this year. The guy selling it said it was an Etrogue. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? The citron is the Etrog we wave with the Lulav. It went rogue. It was on another table, doing its own thing. Hence, Etrogue. It went rogue. EtRogue. If Adam was president Chava would be the First Lady a second time. (Mordechai) You get it? First Lady. She was the first created lady. It’s a pun. A two word pun. That counts. We’re talking about Adam HaRishon. Greatest last name ever. Not Adam Cohen. Please note, we know this is not a real situation. This couldn’t happen. Chava and Adam HaRishon passed away a while ago. Adam only lived for around nine hundred years. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Respect Muslim People for Peace Sake10/16/2025 
It is now that we must reflect on our relationship with Muslim communities. With the discussion of peace and the Abraham Accords, we have to search into our soul to understand our Abrahamic brethren. Which is why I look to Google AI.
It may be hard for some to see peace with people that want you destroyed. But that should not be a deterrent. It appears many Muslim countries are accepting of Israel, now that they already tried to kill us. Turkey not wanting Israel at peace talks about Israel should not stop peace for Israel. The point is we must learn to respect our Islamic brethren. With that in mind, we must appreciate our Islamic brethren. I must say, many Muslims are committed to their faith. They take their religion seriously, and I respect that. Here are things I respect about our Muslim brothers. Not brotherhood. I want to make that clear. I’m still not a hundred percent about the Muslim Brotherhood and their commitment to peace. Again, let me be clear, all I know about the Islamic faith comes from Google AI Overview. And here is what I appreciate. Muslim fast for a month from dawn to sunset. Jews, we fast for a day and complain for a month. I'm still complaining about Yom Kippur. They're ready to fast at any time. No idea when it's going to fall out. You never know when the month is. You could be waking up. "It's Ramdan today?! Mid-March?! Couldn't worn me?! I was going to do the Jerusalem Marathon." And they fast. And run the marathon. A religiously resilient people. Christians have Lent. That's where they skip snack. "I'm going to not eat Snickers for a month." I believe their definition of fasting is where they eat a meal and then have a couple smaller dinners. How that is fasting? Ask the Vatican. Maybe Jesus is fasting for them. All I know is Muslims fast. Muslims eat nothing, run a marathon, and then they have fireworks. A devout Muslim will not drink alcohol. Drugs. But no alcohol. But if you want to drink, that's fine. It depends on who you ask. And is a Pina Colada really alcohol?! Some say you shouldn't do drugs either. But you stay away from those imams. That's respectable. I understand. Only a fool would go to a rabbi on Pesach who says you can't eat Gebrokts. You have to respect that. Staying away from intoxication and gambling because it's Satan's work. I think we can all agree those people running the casinos, taking your money, are Satan. I consider my mechanic Satan too. Note: If you don't understand a reference, look at Google AI. Muslims are committed to their holidays no matter when they fall out. Just pops up. But they keep it. They really have no idea when they’re coming. It’s different every year. All the sudden, it’s the ninth month mid-winter, and Eid al-Fitr. You're celebrating. It was in August. Now it's March. They love their holidays. I know, because I’ve seen fireworks. You got the two main holidays, known as the two Eids. And this is why marital purity is important in Islamic tradition. In serious Islamic countries, you don't cheat on your spouse, you marry another woman. Very big on fireworks. I don't know where that is in the Quran. But it’s there. I truly respect the commitment of the religious. Muslims are praying all the time. They've got dawn, midday, afternoon, evening, nightfall. They are praying. Sleep. They're praying at sleep time. Mid-conversation, that's prayer time. You thought you already did the midday service. Nope. It's time for the afternoon service. How you have midday and afternoon, don't know, but they do it. Same time, different prayers. They get on the floor five times a day. No problem. We get on the floor once a year and it's a huge deal. Yom Kippur comes and it's a whole to-do. It's a production. We start bending, grabbing onto the chair, we're trying to figure out what people do when they drop stuff. We tell the guy to close the ark, as we're embarrassed Gd will see how out of shape we are. Bernie is yelling, "Get the towel." Starts cleaning, "I'm going to get on the floor with all this shmutz?!" Two minutes later, "There goes my back. Not doing this again." We hit the gym and we can't bend. They're hitting the mosque to get in the daily ruku, salah, sujud exercise plan. They've got eighty-five-year-olds doing burpees. You see a Jew on the floor and it's not Yom Kippur, it might be a medical situation. If a Jew is cleaning his floor with anything other than a Swiffer, check to make sure all is OK. They take the laws seriously. You end up in Iraq or Sudan, you fall in. You break the law, they will kill you. Literally kill you. You follow the law. It's not a, "Maybe if I walk fast, I'll make the light." It's, "Maybe I should stay here, or they will cut off my foot." Cut off the hand. That's how you make sure people pay full price for baklava. You go to the souk, you don't haggle. You pay what they're asking. Just in case. Public executions. That's how you get people to listen. And we waste time with Kiruv. We're doing Jewish outreach with Shabbat meals. You want somebody to start keeping Mitzvahs, you cut off an appendage. Do you know how many more Jews would be Frum and keep the laws of family purity if we just had public executions. The religious Muslims believe in their faith. And there is so much beauty in it. Very honest about what they mean. When they say they don't like you, they mean it. When they say they want to kill you, they mean it. When they say that you're their friend, they're trying to sell you something. They're committed. If we can just get them committed to peace. With enough appreciation for each other and oil, it’s possible. We can have peace. We just need to respect each other. And that means our Muslim brothers must also learn to respect us and what we brought to the Middle Eastern cuisine. They must learn to appreciate Kneidelach, Holipshas and pizza. I hope this article brings peace. This is all written out of love and a hope that there can be peace. Anything that offends you, that's on Google AI. I truly respect Muslims and Christians who actually fast. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Announcements
We ask people get their exercise at home. People are complaining about congregants getting in their steps during the silent prayer. It has been reported that Moishie walks very loud. Kids have to be watched over by somebody. We are asking anybody other than parents to help. Anybody other than their mothers and fathers. We have given up on those people. We will be throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. So make sure they don’t get excited. Please do not injure children with candy. We are asking for Simchat Torah safety. We also ask people dance normally, out of respect for the Jewish people and our nation, Israel. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Annoy People in Shul with Walking Groups During Shacharit. How to Not Parent- The Art of Bringing Your Kids to Shul. When Hitting a Child with Candy is Fine- History of the Bar Mitzvah. Dances That Are Offensive to Our People- Merv and The Evolution of a Messed-up Hora. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Chag Sameach My Pupils... Let us dance with our nation this Simchat Torah. Not Merv. No idea what he's doing with the Torah. He thinks he's doing a salsa out there... It's for our nation this year. So, let's do it correctly. Let's keep it simple and stay in circle form... We end vZot HaBracha and immediately start the Torah again, with Bereishit. Because you already forgot it... You don’t keep the Mitzvot and your kids are already messing up again... How do we practice the Torah again? Let's look to Moshe's blessing of Zevulun and Yissachar. Zevulun and Yissachar had a good relationship. Unlike the Schwartz kids who can’t get along. And run around the shul like a bunch of Vilde Chayas. They were two brothers who benefited each other. Zevulun provided the money and Yissachar learned and provided the spiritual reward for both of them. And for some reason, Yissachar didn't complain. He wasn't being supported by his parents like Yankel who's now spending time at Yeshivas Shaar Yashuv, due to his complaints about his parents being heretics. Which they are... The shul benefits nothing. Even the last benefit wasn't a benefit. We lost money... (Devarim 33:18) Moshe tells Zevulun, “Be happy in your going out, and Yissachar in your tents.” Be happy in what you do... Going out means working. It doesn’t mean getting hammered, you drunk... The answer is to practice with happiness, in your going out. I'm not Rav Nachman of Breslov. Even so, as we learn from his lessons, being with this congregation does not lead to happiness... Maybe, if Nachum wasn't a downer when he's going out with the ladies... You're happy when fulfilling your role. And our board has done nothing. Which seems to be their role. To do nothing of help... I don’t know what Ben and Simcha’s roles are in the shul. I don’t know what Menachem and Baruch are doing here. Nobody knows how to lead the Davening. Can’t read the Torah. You even mess up the Torah blessings. You messed up an Aliyah... Moishie's role is to bother people while they're Davening. Which is why he's a happy person. It was their strengths. The brothers were happy with their strengths. Please let me know if anybody here has a strength... Zevulun made money and used it for something positive... What have you done with your money other than the membership at the country club?! You haven't even paid your dues... The shul renovations are not positive. And they're not your money. You can't spend the shul's money on the shul and call it your Tzedakah. The shul is now poorer... Why are we all depressed here? Not happy. Because our role as a community is to be kind. To give. Like Zevulun and Yissachar. We don’t share anything. You told the guy to leave the shul because he took your seat. You didn't even say, "This is my seat." You said, "Leave." You could've at least said, "Leave. This is my seat." He thought you were a random guy kicking him out of shul. Bullies aren't happy... No responsibility. This is why you're all depressed. You're doing nothing. You're on the board. On committees... Exactly. Doing nothing. Can we be happy here? No. Let us explore your roles... Your role is not to get in more steps during Shabbis Davening... How do you get in steps during the silent prayer. It's the Amidah. You have to keep your feet together. How do you get steps in, standing in one spot?!... No walking during the holiday. There's enough walking around on Simchat Torah. You don’t need to get more steps... It's not a dance. What you guys are doing is walking in a circle. I think Moishie has gotten two hundred thousand of his yearly steps in during Musaf. I know because I hear each one... Fifteen thousand a day. Crazy. Maybe you'd be happy if you trained other people. Gave them some of your steps... By the way. On Simchat Torah we will be throwing candies at your kids. But watch them. Make sure they behave. Make sure your children are not wild when they have all of Hershey's and every gummy of every creature thrown at them... It's not hard for them to not to be excited. Just have them look at you and they will be reminded of depression. I see you at shul and my excitement is gone. I'm not happy anymore. You bring depression to my holiday... Yes. We are saying you're not good parents... Your child is getting whacked by candy. No helmet. No vest. Just slacks and a button down. No knee pads. You're fine with your child getting hit... You don't even let them eat candy. Find your rule. Moishie and Rivki know their role is to throw candies at kids and to get in steps... We read Kohelet last Shabbat. I was uplifted. After seeing the members of this shul, Ecclesiastes was a pick-me-up... If he would've seen our membership, King Solomon would’ve said "there is no time for these people." There is a time to walk and there is a time to not walk. And the time to walk is in shul... You don’t walk in shul Harry... There is a time to be with congregants and there is never a time to be here... This shul is Hevel Havalim. There is no time for Merv to dance. There is never a time for our shul president to be involved. If the board just stayed out of shul decisions everybody would be happy... Your calling is to stay out of shul decisions... Watch your kids too. The time to watch your kids is until 10am and after 11am when groups end... Zevulun and Yissachar will be nourished by the sea (Devarim 33:19)... I don't know if they liked salmon. I would like to think they did... You eating squid is forbidden. Don't try to use the nourishment argument for sin... Rashi makes it clear that the Torah mentions both Yissachar and Zevulun, because the sea gives them both money in abundance. How is Yissachar benefiting? Because Yissachar receives the money from Zevulun's going out to sea. And the shul has benefited nothing from its membership... (Devarim 33:20) Gad who is on the boarder, protecting Israel, is living like “a lion.” Not like a middle class family in Topeka... You couldn't protect the shul. The new security team of the aging with earphones... You're listening to music on Shabbis. Might as well be eating squid. Both Aveiras... Have you seen squid? Not Kosher. Doesn't look like sardines. Maybe eating squid is worse than protecting the shul. The point is Gad would've at least had Byrnas... Artscroll teaches that Gd gives us gifts that are “commensurate with responsibility.” Which is why nobody in this shul got anything last Chanukah... None of you live up to anything you're supposed to do. A responsibility to see how depressing our congregation is. A responsibility to not get your steps in in the middle of Davening. It's Simchat Torah. We have a responsibility to not injure our children, and we are given the correct amount of candy to do it. And that is what leads to happiness. When we follow our responsibilities. Take Gd’s gifts and use them right... Not Gad. Gd. Oh Gd... You have the gift of candy from Gd. Throw it at kids... H' provides the nourishment from the sea, because that is what Zevulun and Yissachar needed... Don't blame H' for the board. The shul needs other people... H' provides. But we first need to know take responsibility. Maybe somebody can have a relationship with Merv. A Zevulun Yissachar relationship, where they give him dance lessons, and he gives them nothing. Somebody who has the gift of not looking like an idiot when they dance... Merv truthfully has nothing to offer. Just salsa dancing with the Torah. Which still makes no sense... Our new members from Puerto Rico had no idea what you were doing. They thought you were tangoing with it. May H' provide people who don't look like fools when they dance. If Merv danced not like an idiot, we would have a chance at communal joy. Somebody just has to take responsibility. Responsibility and blame... It takes two to Hora. If we lived up to our responsibilities, we could make this a happy congregation... Throwing candy at kids is how you find joy?! Throwing candy at children the way you do it is wrong. It's too violent... Is the Bar Mitzvah boy a child? No. The Bar Mitzvah is a man. Bar Mitzvah. I whipped that sucker at the Bar Mitzvah man!... And maybe the shul could get some money. How about this? Be a Zevulun to this shul and donate something. You don't learn. None of you learn Torah. Maybe give money so your rabbi can get a raise, and you can be happy too. And when we have our roles down, H' will provide... Your role is to not talk during the sermon... You should be Zoyche to live your role. Good luck. Rivka's Rundown Getting back the living hostages right before the holiday brought the inner communal Simcha. It added to a sense of not hating everybody in shul. The dancing was meaningful. We took responsibility to dance for our people. It was beautiful and it brought joy. Still have no idea what Merv was doing. I am happy the rabbi made it clear that we cannot be happy in our shul. I think the rabbi's message was take responsibility and you will be happy, which is why nobody on the board is happy. Or the message might have been to be happy in your work and hurt children by throwing suckers at them. Hurt them but don't injure them. The president talks about the shul's money like it's his. He said he gave Tzedakah to the shul, because he used the shul's money to pay for the new dry wall in the garden. What idiot puts up Sheetrock around a gazebo?! The rabbi left it at "good luck." He doesn't see hope for any of us. A lot of walking in shul. That's how they dance too. They walk in a circle. That's it. There is no skipping or jumping, or hopping. Just a walk. A leisurely pace. That's how our men dance. They dance to get in steps. Moishie took the rabbi's lesson to heart about training other people. Now, he has a walking group in shul. Seriously. The guy walks around shul. Not even in the back. He goes up and down the aisles now. To quote Harry, “I feel like I get more steps when I go around the shul.” Moishie truly took that lesson and flipped it on the rabbi. The rabbi is doing what he can to stop the walking in shul. The rabbi is now promoting less health, so people can concentrate on the prayers. And then all the candies. The kids are filling up huge bags of candy. We're throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. Tons of candies. Anything that can hurt. They've got black and blue eyes from candy whoopings. They're stuffing their faces with the taffy, loving it, and their parents are there. The parents that don’t let them eat sweets. I've given up on the parents. It's these same parents that don't let them play sports because it's too dangerous. Yet, they bring them to shul to get a candy whopping. I don’t get it. Candy violence has to stop in our shul. It was hard to figure out exactly when the rabbi is saying that throwing candies at kids is fine and when it's not. I am guessing that when you're passing them in a car, whipping candies at them is wrong. Even if they love it. In our shul, candy is meant to hurt the kids. The congregants are fine with the kids getting that sugar, as long as the kid gets hit by it first. The candy committee argued that it's not abuse if it's with Ferrara Pan. I don't know if that is their Jaw Busters ad. But it sounds wrong. And then everybody blames the kids for being too wild. How we expect kids to be responsible when the rabbi is dropping every candy from heaven. I'm not going to lie. I get candy thrown at me, I'm happy. If it's candy, I will jump on the floor, kill the skirt. I don't care. I'm happy, even with a black and blue eye and a broken arm. Why they threw the whole box of Dum-Dums. Idiots. But I got the lollypops. Injured, but with some lollypops. Bittersweet moments. The fact that they need an announcement to watch the kids is messed up. Though the kids are crazy, and I can understand parents being fine with their children running away. That sounds wrong. The kids in our shul walk. They're very out of shape. The point is, they're crazy. With all the candies, by the end of Simchat Torah the kids were skipping with Harry around the shul. Bar Mitzvahs do not compare with Simchat Torah. So much more candy on Simchat Torah. I hope the candy added to the meaning of our nation. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Last time, we discussed how our first Sukkah Hoppers risked their lives, walking unannounced into people’s Sukkahs. We have them to thank for our modern tradition. And we shall forever celebrate them. From the time of the Cossacks, there was around four hundred years of no Sukkah Hoppers. The Cossacks were not kind to hoppers. Yet, as Jews, we don’t let anybody steal our tradition.
A Youth Group Revives Ancient Tradition NCSY was a growing youth movement. In the mid-70s they were looking for a program. They had a board meeting. And thus, no program happened. The following year the NCSY youth had no board meeting, and thus the program happened. It was at this moment in history that the community came to the realization that nothing happens when you have a meeting. The youth advisor in Fallsville said, "We should Sukkah Hop. There's an ancient tradition to go to people's homes and ask for food while they're hosting others for brisket, steak and Huliphches." "What do we get?" one child asked. To which the advisor responded, "Not that... If you're lucky, you get a taffy. Many times, without even a joke inside." As it was a youth event, they naturally skipped. But the event was over in four minutes. The advisor, Sharon, didn't take into account how fast kids move when they're skipping. Thus, the following year, they coined the program "Sukkah Hopping." Arguments among the NCSY youth were had. "But Sukkah Hopping doesn't rhyme." "It's also not an alliteration." Nonetheless, NCSY took the chance and sent out the Sukkah Hoppers. They declared, "We do not want to pay for a program. Other people's Sukkahs are free... The people of whom the Sukkahs belong will pay for the food for the kids." And so, the NCSY youth hopped along. And they hopped. They disturbed people's dinner. NCSY took a chance at being the first organization to put together a program that neither rhymed or alliterated, and is thus revolutionary. And why teenagers don't Sukkah hope anymore. And have instead opted in for Hookah in the Sukkah. But the kids heard about this idea and they started hopping all over. Sukkah Hopping Takes Off Sukkah hopping grew. It was greater than NCSY. Children from all over the Jewish world noticed there was candy. And this candy was not in their homes. It was in Sukkahs. And to this day, Jews still haven't learned how to fortify their Sukkahs. The candy was thus there for the taking. Jewish children around the world started hopping. Nobody reports hoppers to the police. Nobody calls in a hopper with gummy worms. Parents stopped caring about their children in the year 1996. As such, Sukkah Hopping became an activity for all ages, including crews of preschoolers. Parents wanted their kids to stay home for dinner, but children were adamant. "We eat candy on holidays." The parents of the Five Towns Settlement (protested very much in the news for their occupation of land in Long Island) told their children "Jewish tradition is to eat brisket on holidays." Protest came back, "But I have never seen brisket gummy candy." And brisket is now not a Jewish holiday tradition anymore. Sukkah Hopping Is Done Simchat Torah came. Sukkah Hopping was over. Children didn't want to be Jewish. To quote Benjy: "If there is no candy, I want nothing to do with this religion." What do we do? There are no Sukkahs to hop to? It was shameful. Kids around the globe protested yet again. Little Sarah asked, “Why did we stop hopping?” Here mom, Mrs. Finkelman, answered, “Because we are not eating in the Sukkahs.” At this moment, Little Sarah renounced her Judaism. This was the first case in history where are parent allowed her child of eight years old, to make her own decisions. Which led to a sex change. The Finkelmans noticed the absurdity of no hopping. Thus, at Simchat Torah 1998, they started throwing candy at children. The children once again wanted to be Jewish, and the children were pelted with sweets. To quote Benjy: "I love this religion." Benjy was scarred by the Twizzlers. Why a parent would throw a whole pack of Twizzlers at a child for celebratory reasons is a study we have not fully delved into yet. However, we're still trying to figure out how Sukkah Hopping turned into child abuse that children love. And even during Simchat Torah children where happy and started hopping again. They were not walking. They were actually skipping. Skipping and jumping on the floor to get the candy they were attacked by. Epilogue As it's not run by NCSY anymore, Sukkah Hopping is actually done by skipping. Still called Sukkah Hopping, people want to get it over with. They want their sour sticks and they want to get them fast. Skipping is more efficient. Some places, where people aren't scared of skippers, they've now changed the night to Sukkah Skipping. After many millennia of intermittent hopping, the Jewish community has come to the conclusion that nobody can hop for more than two miles. It took many years of continued injury to come to this realization. Hopping also ruins the Simchat Torah dancing circles. It slows them down. Nonetheless, for some reason, many kids still hop. In some communities in Modiin, it won't stop. Candy gets kids to hop. Especially Butterfingers whacking you in the face. Skipping and hopping is now quite confusing. It depends on your community's tradition. I believe most communities skip now. Some communities tried stopping Sukkah Hopping and Skipping in 2008. Yet, that was a failed attempt. Kids realized their parents weren’t buying them enough candy. It turns out people are fine buying candy for children that are not theirs. It turns out people also give gummy worms to people who skip. We have evolved as a people over the last three thousand years. In 2018 the Rabbanut decided it should be called Sukkah Hopping, as reports have shown that many burglars do skip. This decision was made as per the Responsa of Rav Eginger, where he said to not put a stumbling block in front of a Sukkah. It was the first consensus of rabbis since the destruction of the Second Temple. Though the name is "Hopping," the rabbis do allow for skipping. Sukkah Hopping still exists, due to the modern development of gummy worms and gummy fish. But only the ones from Trader Joe's. Because they taste better. Why Sukkah hoppers still can't get chicken and Kugel, I do not know. I do suggest it be studied by a scholar. It may have something to do with board meetings and decisions made by committees. Some youth started driving. They got cars and they started going to 7-Eleven. That was the downfall of NCSY. To this day, the number one reason for children choosing to convert to Judaism in elementary school is the candy received before Halloween. Christina Leah Malka told me, "I couldn't wait a whole month. I decided I'll be Jewish and pack away my candies. It turned out, with the advent of Sukkah Hopping and the Simchat Torah sweets, I didn't even need Halloween anymore." Next time, we shall discuss the history of your child spending eight hundred and fifty dollars at their Jewish Summer Camp canteen, and not having enough candy to make it through the holiday. We will also discuss the rise in the cost of gummies, due to Sukkah Hopping in skipping form, and the Finkelmans’ involvement. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Announcements
Please keep your Carlebach singing to a minimum. Since Yom Kippur there has been a lot of Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, due to the hatred of people for having to be in shul longer. So, please just say the words quickly, so that Jews can get out of shul and love each other. And do not add any NayNayNays to songs. NayNayNay is not a word. We will have a Kiddish in the Sukkah on the second day of Sukkot, and it will not have dried out pastry (like the stuff we now serve every Shabbat). We’re hoping the rain will bring some moistness to the Danish Sharon has been bringing lately. The board will not do renovations over Sukkot. Otherwise, we will be measuring the shul in handbreadths and elbows. Our contractor has been doing a bad job with measurements, even when using tape measures. He has a very weird handbreadth, and he has been listening to the board, which all leads to a messed-up foundation. The rabbi has declared that he will be choosing people’s Lulavs this year. There are safety concerns from last year with people who have no Lulav control. They will receive smaller Lulavs with rounded edges. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Injure People With Mitzvahs- Bernie’s Lulav and Why Nobody Sits Next To Him. How to Lose Every Member in Your Shul With A Tune That People Like- The Carlebach Method of Extended Prayer. How to Choose Really Bad Pastry- A Day of Shopping With Sharon at Latkes Bakery. Techniques Used By the Board to Ruin the Building- A Guest Speech from Our Contractor. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... What provokes H’? It’s ignoring and snobbiness and people who sometimes say "Hi"... You greet people even when they're not popular. Even when they're not part of the committee that is messing up this building... I am saying you are not good people. Exactly. Annoying, snobby people who only say "Shalom" when you think you'll get something out of it. Shabbat Shalom. My Congregants... Yes. I am angry. Because you’re angry people. I am angry because you mess up everything. You are the worst congregants. The worst people. Shallow... And this leads to kids who don’t follow Torah. Like our youth group. We’re the only synagogue youth group for atheists... Our shul's chapter is called My Parents Raised Me to Hate My Religion... I don't know how National Torah Youth accepted our chapter. Kiruv, bringing people closer to Judaism, only works so much. I think the name is MPRMHMR. They acronymized it... When an acronym is impossible to say, I don't know if it's useful. The point is the problems come from ignoring. You all ignore Gd. You ignore people. You ignore kindness. And that is how you get junior congregation... Junior congregation where the blessings go, "Blessed be standing straight. Blessed be wearing clothes. Blessed be preparing men's steps..." No Gd. You can't say Amen to that, Bernie. Your grandkids are not Nachis... I have no idea what preparing steps consists of. I don't believe it has anything to do with the pacing Shalom is doing in the back of the shul right now. Will you please sit... Pacing bothers the sermon. Correct. As does ignoring... You ignore H’ (Devarim 32:18). You ignore me too. Ignoring people makes them angry. I would appreciate if you ignored me and didn't ask questions. But you still bother me with questions. (Devarim 32:19) H’ sees this and He will be provoked by the “anger of his sons and daughters.” The rabbis ask why daughters are included... Women should be included Bernie. Disgusting... You didn’t say it, but I saw your look... the general term for sons always includes everybody... That includes daughters too. Bernie. Daughters are part of everyone. They’re people Bernie... even before women’s rights... You provoke Gd’s anger when you pray to clothes and steps. Ramban teaches this has to do with the First Temple destruction where women were idol worshippers... Not everything about women is positive. They ignore. They definitely ignore Nachum. We all see that. They don't talk to him. The guy is still pathetic and single... Women's rights is about the negative things women do. It's about how they mess up everything, like men... It starts with ignoring. Something that women do to Nachum. And the would've ignored him in the First Temple, because his shoes are never polished. It's attitude. Ignoring leads to hate in your heart. Your snobbiness leads to hatred. Your selfishness leads to anger... I will say it is the sons and daughters. The family. The family that messes up shul with anger. Gets mad when Davening goes a little too long. (Devarim 32:20) Gd says, “And I will hide My face... for they are generation of reversals, children whose upbringing is not in them.” Because you all messed up. Anger leads to Gd hiding His face. And that is how you get our congregation... Because you raise the kids wrong. When they look at you in your anger and the dried our Danish, they want nothing to do with that. And how can you not be angry when the shul has a board?! A bunch of idiots, throwing out everything. Who throws out the shul’s history?! You threw Gd out of the shul... You threw out our original shul document from 200 years ago. You throw out history. That can only come from anger... You threw out the Mitzvot. You literally threw out the Melachot chart and the Chesed Kindness Mitzvah chart. And it is that throwing away that can only come from anger. Leading to kids like our youth who bless clothing the naked... They're blessing clothes and people getting in steps... Ignoring is what leads to H' hiding His face. Let’s not ignore the issues of our shul. Let us not be angry. But deal with the stuff that makes us angry, so we can have a Geula... Coming to shul makes us angry, because we have to see you... Now that Bernie is gone, let's deal with the other issues we have ignored. The other issues that hide Gd from this shul. Sam has now left. And Francine is not in the women's section right now. OK. We can now deal with girls not talking to Nachum... Where does the anger come from? Let us not ignore the issues. There's a lot of frustration in our shul. Yom Kippur Davening took more than three hours. A problem. Again. Causes anger. Faster Davening will bring Shalom. If we got in an eighteen-minute Yom Kippur Shacharit, there would be happiness. H's presence in our shul. Friday night Davening has to be quicker as well... You sung Yehi Shalom which is beautiful. It’s the kind of song that will get all the congregants mad... It takes too long. They come to shul because they want out. The Yehi Shalom brought the Kehillah together. All frustrated... At least you didn’t NayNayNay it. Mizmor LDavid gets at least one NayNay run-through. The only song that has a NayNayNay in its lyrics is Mizmor LDavid. A NayNay verse is there. Written in by Carlebach... You NayNayed the NayNay verse. Again. Anger... Because we ignore. We have anger. We will have a Sukkah Kiddish. There’s a Mitzvah to pay happy. vSmachta bChagecha. To be happy in the Chag. And that is where Gd is found. And the pastries the shul has been getting has gotten nobody happy… Yes. Happiness is found in food. Not in dried out Danish... Dried out Danish. It’s disgusting Sharon. With the Hamentash filling. Nobody likes it. Especially five days old… Of course, the bakery gives a deal on it. It’s disgusting. And the sponge cake. No Simcha in a sponge cake. They only put out the sponge cake at the weddings because the Temple was destroyed. We must bring a bit of mourning to our Simchas... Of course the sponge cake and Danish was eaten. It was the only thing they put out. Ever see the peanut butter squares with the crystalized peanut butter and then the chocolate on top. You don’t see them because they’re always gone… I know people eat the black and white cookies. Because there’s nothing else. All the other stuff is gone. So, they eat it at the end of Kiddish. Something finished at the end of Kiddish doesn’t constitute... You get to the Kiddish table five minutes in, you think all they're serving is black and white cookies today... You didn't know the Mitzvah to be happy on Chags because you threw out the Mitzvah chart. It's on the chart. You have to be happy on holidays, and you have to serve Green's Babka... Because it's amazing and it brings Simcha. Sharon. You're the head of the sisterhood. Delegate Kiddish. Delegate it to Little Debby. Great cakes. Moist... Nobody cares about preservatives. It tastes good. Don't ignore what tastes good. You ignore what tastes good, you ignore H'. And that means exile. H' doesn't want to be seen around dried up pastry... Flaky dough is fine... No. We don’t measure biblically anymore. Even if the rabbis say we must for the Sukkah... It’s not an excuse for Shul renovations. The renovations got people mad. Because you ignored decent ideas. Godly ideas given by your rabbi... Tables were placed in front of the pews. Great idea??? Allows for a place to put down the Siddur??? Now there is no room to stand. People can’t get into the row... You put the tables where people stand... Yes. People like to put their Siddurs down where they sit. If there is no room to sit... Tables in the Sukkah?! It's a pop-up Sukkah. A four by six Sukkah... Calm down with the tables. They don't fit. The community Sukkah seats three, without chairs. And now we have a messed-up foundation... The building too. Very messed up. When you ignore Gd, you end up with drywall that crumbles... When you renovate by throwing out tradition, you end up with a pop-up Sukkah... Gd is permanent. Some people need the rabbi to choose for them. You can't ignore safety. People get hit with a Lulav, they get mad, and it leads to idol worship... I will choose your Etrogs and Lulavs, to bring Simcha to your holiday. And to ensure safety. Rich. You get a small Lulav this year... You injured Merv and Pinchas with your Hodu Lulav swing last year... You should've turned around first to make sure nobody was there, when you pointed your Lulav straight out... You don't ignore safety. You point the Lulav up... Rich. Like you care. You don’t even know that the willow is the Arava... I know Arava sounds more like a myrtle. Hadas should be a willow. But it’s not... This is why I learn Halacha... Because you’re not big Lulav worthy. You also injured Faye last year. Your Lulav went through the Mechitzah and knocked out her eye... We can’t let this anger us. We have to deal with it. Make it good. Make our congregation good. Stop the cause of anger. Keep out Bernie and Francine. Bring Gd back into what we do. To not ignore Nachum. Maybe talk to him and let him know you're not attracted... Lulavs hitting me in the face causes anger... And this shall bring Gd back into our lives. Long Davening is a reason to be angry. I understand. And where are the Mitzavh charts... And the stars. Yes. The stickers. The star stickers. You put them on the Mitzvah chart. And happiness through better pastries to bring H' into our presence this Sukkot... Let us bring Gd into Sukkot without our membership. A reason to pray to Gd. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi had everybody yelling at Bernie for being a chauvanist. He said nothing. He just sat there. I didn’t know a look you got when you sneezed meant women don’t deserve the right to vote. We truly have the most heretical youth. They had a Halloween pumpkin carving event for Sukkot. A bunch of pagans. They didn’t even have a Sukkah hopping event. They had a Sukkah Treat event. For a shtick they called it Sook-or-Treat. It is messed up when you leave Gd out of blessings. Blessing steps??? "Blessed are steps." It makes no sense. I can understand why Gd is mad. You leave Him out, you ignore Him, and you start making blessings to counting how much you walk in shul. Now you're worshipping treadmills. From what I understand, the order is we ignore Gd, Gd hides Himself, girls ignore Nachum, we end up with children, and then the sisterhood picks up dried out Hamentash filled Danish. It's a rabbit hole. And then you start making blessings to what your trainer told you to do. There is a new thing in our shul where the president just throws out stuff. No questions. No thoughts about what is good for the shul, what is good for the structure of our shul. No thoughts of tradition. They threw out the Torah covers. Said it was an old towel with some guy's name who dedicated it in honor of his grandparents. No tradition in our shul anymore. Nothing has meaning. They threw out Merv's Yom Kippur lifetime seat reservation. He threw out a pole. A structural pole. The president thought it was tradition, as the pole has been there since the shul was founded. So, he threw it out. It's this new idea of "new is better." So, they're making everything of sheetrock. Nothing old is good. The rabbi feels awareness is important. He brought awareness to how awkward and alone Nachum is. A lot of ignoring and snobbiness in the shul. And Nachum can’t get a girl to pay attention to him. I believe the lesson the rabbi was giving was that it's fine to ignore Nachum if he scares you too. He's an old single guy. He scares people. The security team, headed by Ethel, agreed that for safety, you can ignore him. The shul came up with a NayNay quota. No more than two rounds of NayNayNaying for any service. We have the worst Kiddish food. This generation of Kiddishes is awful. That is one thing we can all agree on. One thing the board is behind as well. The rabbi gave a class on what makes a good pastry. And it all came down to anything not made at Latkas Bakery. The rabbi shot down the bakery, saying it's an illegitimate bakery, as he said, "Latkas aren’t a pastry." People have been now watching over dessert. They did the study. It turns out the rabbi is right. The Danish and black and whites only get finished at the end of Kiddish. I even saw plates filled with them. One bite and then they leave the rest. They said I can’t say blacks and whites anymore. I have to say black and white cookies. I apologize if my explanation of pastries is racist. I just understand that everybody likes the peanut butter chocolate squares. It turns out that the study showed that those got finished right away, and there was no leftovers on plates. And countless EpiPens were used as well. I really hope Sharon got the rabbi's message. Which was "believe in H' and don't ignore His amazing Danish. The fresh ones with cinnamon and chocolate." The most profound lesson of the sermon is that sponge cake is for mourning. I was always wondering why they have a non-moist dried out sponge cake in marble form at Simchas. It's to remember the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. They truly measured everything tiny, like idiots. Like they're building the shul as a one-person Sukkah. Walls are a handbreadth. That was a discussion at the board meeting. Nachum learned some Halacha, and he thus argued that like a Sukkah is fine with a handbreadth wall, the back of the shul Mechitzah counts as a wall. Now the back of the shul is fully open with one handbreadth jutting out. Nachum also said that the handbreadth Mechitzah is fine. The Frum membership will understand it's our religious duty if they know we measure it with handbreadths and cubits. The contractor is an idiot. The rabbi said he ruined everything by listening to our congregants. The rabbi blamed the contractor for the poor Yom Kippur appeal results. Nobody went with the rabbi's idea of him choosing Lulavs for people, due to safety concerns. They wanted a chance to figure out what would hurt other people the most. People took to the Lulavs, trying to figure out which one would cause the most damage. Bernie asked the rabbi, "Does a pointy Lulav hurt more, or a very sturdy hard one that you can swing?" The Lulav and Etrog choosing this year was way too much. We had people looking for hours to figure out which Etrog to get. They have no idea what makes a good Etrog. Marty was like, “This looks like a lemon.” Took him two hours to come to that conclusion and choose it. People Davened in the Sukkah. They said it is more structurally sound than the shul. To quote the rabbi, "The board had nothing to do with the Sukkah. So I trust it." In a sense, the rabbi was trying to not ignore Gd, by going back to tradition and letting the board now he hates them. The Techniques Used By the Board to Ruin the Building- A Guest Speech from Our Contractor class, was really just a board meeting. The rabbi gave the meeting that name. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The first Sukkahs were made in the desert, the Midbar. The Jews lived in them. At first people were very protective of their little huts. It turns out that breaking into a Sukkah is very easy. You've got to stand guard at all times. They didn't have security conduct codes back then for Jewish communities. They didn't have Hamas back then. People weren't that scared of Amalek, and everybody knew where the community programs were. They announced the location, and people knew where to go, even before deciding on going.
Many thought to not announce the precise location of events, for safety and security reasons. However, those sects didn't take off. Their traditions got lost, because nobody could find them. This is how the tradition of the Essenes was forgotten from history. It was a Pharisee who exclaimed, "Not knowing where the event is was how we got stuck in the Midbar in the first place." The homes were not safe. Some of the homes even had walls that were a Tefach, one handbreadth wide. The rabbis said that constitutes a wall. The fact the rabbis said it only needs three walls, shows how not fortified the dwellings were. The Sukkah builders always skimped out saying, "The rabbis say it's a wall." To quote Ahron, "This guy took me for all I have. These Sukkah contractors are worse than my mechanic." How Sukkah developers became a business is another piece of history we will get into another time. When we talk about how the Reichmann family got started. Needless to say, Sukkah hoppers were not welcome. The First Sukkah Hoppers It's hard to sleep at night knowing your dwelling has a handbreadth as a wall. A lot of food was stolen. And people did not hop from Sukkah to Sukkah, or dwelling to dwelling. They walked to their neighbors' homes in the desert. And the first Sukkah hoppers got shot. Known as walkers in those days, we still call them the original hoppers. They were shot by bow and arrow. They didn't have guns back then, and the Byrna had not been developed yet. The Byrna could've saved many of lives. Some historic accounts have a sword being used to keep the neighbor away from the Chumus. To note, though it's historic, I don't decorate my Sukkah with the illustration of the guy reaching for the Chumus with the sword jutting out of his heart. For safety reasons, the first Sukkah hoppers were sliced by the sword. Nonetheless, we have them to thank for the tradition. Hadrian and the Modern Sukkah When the Jews first came back to Israel, in 1273 BCE, they were still building huts. It took a few winters and rain seasons before the Jews realized that the rabbis were not good contractors. They would see these walls and ask "Where is the rest of it?" When Rabbi Shloimy said to Pinchas ben Nachum (who nobody knows about, because he wasn't a rabbi, and he wasn't famous, and I have never seen his grave, and the only people that they buried back then were famous people- as I know from my travels in the northern parts of Israel, where every grave is of a famous person who passed- non-famous people didn't die back then) "that's a wall. It's a handbreadth," Pinchas protested and said, "Well I feel a draft." Upon this protest, the rest of the community joined Pinchas ben Nachum and hired Hadrian, which led to exile. Nonetheless, their homes were built better. It might have been Barthalemous who was the main contractor then. I might be 1400 years off with this account. All I know is the walls on their huts finally connected. Nonetheless, they still used Schach for their roofs. A problem during the rainy season, but at least they had walls. It was a start. Rabbi Shloimy said, "You have to listen to the rabbis." The rabbis said Rabbi Shloimy wasn't a rabbi, and he only dressed religiously to close on deals with Jews, like the mechanic. It turns out people trust a mechanic with a Yarmulke. Kippahs are supposed to remind you Gd is there, and to help close on deals. It was at this moment, still living in huts, they realized they were starving. Food was hard to come by. It was hard times. People needed to find a way to get food. Whatever happened, at some point Hadrian took over Israel because they had faulty roofs. And it was during this time that Sukkah hopping was revived. In Israel They Start to Hop First living in Sukkahs in the Holy Land, due to rabbinic building ordinance and small handbreadths, nobody had a lot of money. Hence, the ancient Israelites hopped from Sukkah to Sukkah in hopes of food. It turns out, when you see somebody hopping, you feel bad for them. You ask why they're not using their other leg. And you offer them Twizzlers. Some of the kids skipped, as they were in Israel and joyful. However, nobody gives candy to people skipping. They're moving too fast. It's hard to chase them down, yelling, "You have too much energy. Here are some sweets." Children skipping look too happy to receive charity. Hence, the tradition of only asking for charity in disheveled dress. The Walking Era People went years walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. The Mesorah, tradition, passed from generation to generation was lost. The Jewish people didn't know if they should skip or hop. In the 1600s the community of Krakow was found walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. They said they were "getting in their steps." Nobody fell for this. They knew they were trying to get gummy worms. Speaking of the quail who were stealing the gummy worms, many Jews in the desert were using the gummy worms, especially the florescent orange ones, to fish. Using gummy worms to fish in the desert didn't work. Which is why nobody uses gummy worms to fish today. Even in Lake Erie. Nobody got much food walking. They would maybe get a little tea with a biscuit. Kids stopped joining for the walks. Due to the lack of food given to random people walking into Sukkahs, the community of Krakow stopped getting in their steps. And the children were not hopping. Not even for relay races. Without the candy of Sukkot, they started getting diabetes. Then the Cossacks came and Sukkah walking, came to an end. Some hopped. The Cossacks didn’t like hoppers either. After all the destruction, even the Baal Shem Tov and the Chassidic movement couldn’t get people to hop anymore. They would only go for a Shpatzir. Shpatziring ensued. And nobody who Shpatzirs on a holiday is going to stop in a Sukkah. Epilogue The Cossacks had a lot to do with the modern-day development of Sukkahs without flimsy walls. Needless to say, the tradition of Sukkah Hopping is steeped in a dark history. Next time we shall discuss the reemergence of hopping with NCSY youth. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
Many people know Sukkah songs. However, poetry adds depth. Poems make the holiday more meaningful. Here are a few poems I wrote in third grade, to bring spirituality to your Sukkot holiday.
Sukkah Hopping Sukkah hopping is hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah I hope we don't have to hop Thank Gd. If we did. I would stop And go back home I don't think I can hop a mile even when I'm not alone That's it?! All this Sukkah has is soup?! Now I know why we have to go to another Sukkah More candy?! From Sandy?! Is this Sukkot or Halloween Instead of a house, we're hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah Hoping for some ice cream We wouldn't have had to hop if just one Sukkah served a meal I don't want an orange peel People throw out the peel Or compost it Even with chocolate on it You will notice that I chose poetry over the report. The teacher said that for my report to do well I needed punctuation. You will also notice that we were hoping, not hopping, for ice cream. A little play on words, which I tried saying. It didn't work as well in oral form. When I recited this composition in third grade gym class, my fellow students asked what "hope" has to do with "hopping." I had to explain that it was a work of literature. Why Are We Sitting Out Here (I wrote this one in third grade about Sukkot - I was inspired) It's freezing- why are we outside I understand there is a cover you call Schach- but the cover has holes in it The chair is made of metal- where should I sit It's freezing- I said the chair is made of metal That's your forearm- who measures with a cubit If this is our home- I want out of this family For seven days I can do it- as long as we have brisket and hot pastrami It's still freezing and brisket tastes good inside too I truly love hot pastrami. I would've sat outside on the frozen chairs, in the uneven cubit Sukkah, for the hot pastrami. I got a bad grade on this poem. My Torah and Mishna teacher was not inspired by my words. I Love You Holiday Oh Shabbat How I love you Pesach, Sukkot You are the joy of every Jew Shavuot, Yom Kippur I love you too I love every day When we don’t have school Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, even though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ Wrong of her, as I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ Schoo and Jew rhyme. I believe that is quite clear. Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
|
What do say when eating a leafy vegetable that’s been peppered with a little salt and a dash of citrus? Kale Melach Leemon. You get it? Instead of Kel Melech Ne’eman, which is said before Shema- when said alone. Kel is Gd’s name but not. It’s Gd’s name pronounced un-in-vain. In this prayer, you spell Gd’s substituted name more phonetically correct to suit the vegetable. Melach is salt. And Leemon is lemon, for those learning the correct Hebrew word. Or maybe just say the Ha’adama blessing, as it’s from the ground. A lot of thought went into this pun. And heresy. 
I felt bad executing the bagel. But I did what I had to. There was lox.
Sunday- September 14 at 3:30pm Rochester Fringe Show at the JCC… Click Here for Tickets!
David performs his original songs of love and peace for the gentile. Performing all over the globe, David galvanizes the fans…
And Book David for your community Comedy Kumzits Show- [email protected]
Yad Soledet Bo, temperature at which a hand gets burnt, and retracts, is 113 to 160°F. How do we know this? The rabbis got people to test it. They would have people risk their hands. When the person screamed, they were like, "That's the temperature." Some people didn't scream right away. They tried toughing it out. And when they passed out, the rabbi was like, "That's the temperature..." And the students of the rabbi were in shock, "I can't believe he made it to 160°F." And thanks to Reb Shloimy, who is no longer with us, we were able to figure out the highest degrees of what would be considered cooking on Shabbat. If he didn't risk his life, we wouldn't have known.
Categories
All
Archives
October 2025
|
Your Weekly Jewish Humor Magazine for a Gazunta Laugh about Life
We found
results for you
We've got nothin'!
RSS Feed
© 2025 Kibbitzer Magazine and JHF. All rights reserved.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
10/31/2025
0 Comments