You want to shop at the shuk and not get ripped off. Equip yourself with haggling techniques. First step is not being frightened by people yelling at you in a language you don't understand. If you have the courage to get passed being berated for standing in the produce section, near the avocado, here are haggling techniques to help you save the money. Mind you, shuk vendors are very passionate about their avocado.

The Methods
The Third Method
Always respond with a third of whatever price the vendor says. Some people say half, but I that’s very poor methodology. Half is where you might end the negotiation. He says 30 shekels, you say 10. 6nis, you say 2. He says 100, you say 33.3333333. The product isn’t important. He says, ‘Pears are 200.’ You say, ’66.6666666.’ He goes for a crazy number like 102nis, walk away. You don't have time to start figuring out those calculations. Only negotiate with round numbers. If they start playing that game they play, where you have to start using divisibles that have nothing to do with 3, run.
You get him down on the loquats from 70 to somewhere in the teens, you did good. You might be overpaying, as you do not know the going rate for tiny citrus fruit, and you made the mistake of sticking around with a weird divisible (it happens). Yet, you're still getting a deal. You might have no idea what a loquat is. Remember, haggling a mindset.

The Walk Away
This is a great way to get a deal. Just walk away. This allows for the vendor to haggle with himself. The haggling will happen if you're involved or not. You walk away, they're saying, 'OK. I go down.' You keep on walking, they're saying, 'Oh. A hard bargainer. I give you thirty shekels off.'
Shuk vendors are excellent at haggling. Pros. Don't get involved in the negotiation. He can bring himself down to 0 shekels with ease.
No vendor is satisfied with not making the sale. He will follow you through the shuk and abandon his store for you. By the time you are at your car, he'll be placing the almonds and sunflower seeds in your trunk at no charge.
The key here is to walk away and not talk. If you're on your phone and don't even realize the vendor is talking to you, all the better. You'll get an amazing deal.
 
The Product You Don't Want Method
For this to work you have to not want the product. The greatest way to get a deal is to get something you have no use for. Something that will absolutely ruin the look of your home.
This method has been overlooked by too many people. The best way to haggle is to go shopping for stuff that is useless to you. Purchase something you truly despise, you'll always come out a winner.
This is the next step in The Walk Away Method. Here, you are walking away and saying, ‘I do not want it. I didn't even ask for it. Why are you following me.’ And you truly don't want the handheld fan. If you use this method correctly, they will pay you for the product.
This is the reason I always go shopping for paddles with the attached rubber ball. I don’t like the game, don’t want the paddle and only get frustrated when I use it.
Many times this works best when you don't initiate anything. The shopkeeper asks if you want a bango, calling you his friend. You say no. Next thing you know, he's giving you deals on this bango you don't want. Due to this more advanced technique, I've been purchasing stuff I didn't even know they had. One guy was trying to get rid of a butterfly amulet. Didn't want it. I have no idea what butterflies have to do with Israel, or screaming at me. Didn't even know I bought it. He said, 'Here. Give me a shekel and take it.'

The Yell Back Method
You yell at them. You scream loud enough and scare them. That's when you get the deal.
Note, you have to be louder than them. They're only scared of people who can shout the cost of that day's avocado louder than them.
This method also works well with violence. Get this method down, and you're running the shuk. Deals are endless. You might get locked up. Either way, you're getting an excellent deal on dinner.

You Name the Price Method
Show up at the store and tell them how much it costs. This technique is a lot of fun, as you the customer decide the price. And you the customer are always correct, if you're loud enough.
If you decide on the price, what can they say? Nothing. Exactly. Disregard any markings. You want to pick out a new shirt with the Beitar Jerusalem’s logo on it, you don’t like the price, tell him ’20 shekels.’ Better yet, you don't like the logo, bring the price down to 12nis. You feel there should be a sale? 50% off on the 12 shekels, you're only paying 6. It is up to you. Place down the money, and do a fast walk away.

The Stand and Eat Method
If you don't ask and take it. It's free. As long as you don't ask for a bag and eat it there, all produce is on the house.
Note: You cannot use this method with the Walk Away. Once you’re moving, you have to pay.

I hope this gives you the courage to get a decent deal on avocado.

Announcements
From now on, we will be singing Acheinu at the end of every service, in honor of the loved ones of Israel we lost the past year and the Achdut (unity of our people). They should have an Aliyat Nishama. We ask that out of respect for the fallen that none of our congregants harmonize.
We understand that many congregants are mad they will not have as much time to golf, due to the singing. Even so, we do expect that the extra prayers will help with your game.

We ask Bernie to not pray for rain. We have a feeling his prayers are not answered. Ever since he prayed for Rachel to get better, and her cough turned into a tumor, we don’t appreciate his prayers.

We lost members because of the Yizkur appeal. They said they’re never coming again on Yom Kippur due to these surprise chargers. To quote, 'Our parents would be rolling over in their grave if they knew the shul was still collecting pledges from them.'

Sukkot decorating this Monday is open to kids of all ages. That means under eighteen. Over eighteen people are scary.

The Felsenblums love each other. You could see that love when he handed her the Lulav and Etrog over the Mechitza. True love.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Sing Acheinu Right and Not Ruin a Good Song Like the Back Left of Our Shul. Yizkur Appeals and How Your Loved Ones Go Up To Heaven When You Give the Shul More Money. How We Suffered a Drought Because of Bernie's Off-key Singing. How to Purchase  Sukkot Decorations When You're Over Forty: How Not to Scare Children By Making Paper-plate Pomegranates with Them as an Old Person. The Love of a Religious Couple: How an Etrog Saved a Marriage.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Our hearts go out to all the families and the loved ones we lost in the tragedy last Simchat Torah... It goes from vZot HaBracha into Bereishit... I know it's painful. Right after, that Shabbat, we read another Parsah. I know it’s a lot. I have to deal with the Chazin too. We all feel the pain...
I have no idea what (Devarim 33:13-17) ‘and with the bounty of the moon’s yield, with the quick ripening crops of the early mountains...’ I have no idea what early mountains mean. I don't know if mountains get sleep. I'm not a geomorphologist.
Maybe it has something to do with people going to early Minyin not needing to waste their whole day hearing a Chazin go off on some harmony, or a Torah reader Layner guy who still sounds like he's reading his Bar Mitzvah Parsha. The early mountain guy gets gets to go to work, because he doesn't have to hear the people in our shul... No. I don't know what the moon yields.
I do know that Yosef’s kin receive blessings of prosperous land, as he was separated and he gets that ‘crown’... You’ve done nothing, which is why you live in a shack and your grass is dried out... Simeone. You grow dried fruit.

It’s because of ancestry. That’s why your kids get no blessings... It's because of you.

Moshe doesn’t mention wives in the blessings. He’s talking about the nation... You need a wife. When it comes to the individual not messing up and getting decent land, you need somebody telling you you messed up.
The wife keeps you on the moral path... People would've thought it was a curse if Moshe brought the wives into it...

(Bereishit 2:20) Adam names all the animals, ‘but for Adam he didn’t find a helper against him.’ Somebody against him to tell him he messed up...
Problem is man was naming all the other animals, thinking about them, but he had nobody to think about him. Nobody giving him a name. With a wife, you have somebody to tell you you're a Yutz...

I understand there is a lot going on this weekend. Calm down. It's sermon time.

(Bereishit 2:25) ‘And they were both naked, man and his wife, and they were not ashamed.’ They weren't as out of shape as our membership.
It is because they ate from the Tree of Knowledge, Etz HaDaat, they realized they were naked. And B"H. I wouldn't want to see the back left of this shul without clothes... I would've realized you were naked. So out of shape. When you have knowledge, you realize you don't want to see Louis without a shirt. You know that much... I'm not going back to the JCC pool because of you.
That's why you need a wife, Chaim. You have no style. You'd be better off naked.

I don't know who would've eaten from the Etz HaDaat. If you did, you would've realized how off you are. How off your singing is. You would've realized the Yutziness of this congregation. The nakedness of your moral aptitude.

Singing Acheinu is beautiful. It had me crying... It’s the swaying. The melody. Singing it with you guys off-tune just brings tears to my eyes... Partially because I’m thinking about our Jewish people. The ones I like.
The harmony is wrong. Your singing is the antithesis of brotherhood. Your singing Acheinu is pulling our people apart...

We do ask our congregants don’t pray for the nation... Bernie. Your prayers are a curse. It’s like a curse when you say Tehillim. H’ does the opposite...

And you still haven't paid your appeal card pledge... Sukkot is already over...
Of course we do it on the holidays. It’s an appeal. It’s a High Holiday appeal. It’s tradition... You can’t appeal the appeal... You pay dues and then the appeal...

If the wives of this shul would just tell your all how messed up you are... That's why I have to do it.
Even eighteen year olds showing up to Sukkah decorating is weird. There are seven year olds there... No. You shouldn't be coloring paper plates past high school.
It’s for kids Bernie. You’re not a kid. You’re ninety years old.... Feeling like a kids does not make you a kid. It makes you creepy.
Seeing you cutting out a paper chain is creepy. Seeing you in a swimsuit is creepy. Hearing you praying to H' is scary...

That’s true love. Handing your wife an Etrog over the Mechitzah is romance... Saving money is romantic. Buying two Lulavs and Etrogs is not... Buying extra beds and extra fridges is not romance. Sharing is.
Well Mordy. How do you express your love?... Passing your child over the Mechitzah is not love. That's you trying to get rid of the thing. Passing an appeal card is also not love... We understand you don't want to pay the pledges. You haven't paid your dues...

(Bereishit 3:6-7) They ate of the true of good and bad. ‘Their eyes were open and they knew they were naked.’ If anybody here was smart, they'd realize they haven't paid their pledges... It might have been an Etrog. How would I know?! It was probably ginger. That stuff wakes you up...
And if you have the wrong wife, you’ll make dumb decisions and eat from the one messed up tree. In all of the garden, you’ll be eating the only fruit that aren’t ripe. It will be like you're eating from Simeone's garden... I know you take pride in it. The shriveled up fruit...
No. Wear clothes. Wear clothes but be pure. Marry a woman who is pure...

Our nation is still mourning the loss of this past year and Mark is worried about getting in an extra round of golf...

So, like Adam, make sure you marry well, unlike Marleen who married Rich, and enjoy the correct blessings of the land. Marry somebody you want to pass your Lulav and Etrog to over the Mechitzah. Somebody who well help you decorate a Sukkah normally. Not like Bernie, who thinks it’s decorative to put streamers and pomegranates on a walker. Somebody you’ll want to sing Acheinu with...

Rivka's Rundown
How the rabbi knew the word geomorphologist, I have no idea. I don't even know shapes.

‘Your kids get no blessings because of ancestry.’ I believe that’s a shot at the parents of the kids in junior congregation. He considers those things a not blessing. The rabbi was also hitting the immigrants to America five generations ago. The Felsenstein family didn’t have it easy. They purchased that home. I think the rabbi should’ve told them that without renovations they won’t be blessed. Without renovations and watering their lawn during the summer.

How we can dance on Simchat Torah. It's that joy through tears. A greater sense of the responsibility of Simcha. Happiness as a people is not always easy in our shul. It would bring some happiness if the men in our shul just didn't look so pathetic dancing. Walking around looking depressed. With the arms on each other, it looks like they're just trying to keep their balance.
The weird thing in our shul this Simchat Torah is nobody was holding hands. Since COVID they all dance six feet apart.

Acheinu had me crying too. I think it’s the sway. The rabbi is right. But why did we stop singing Hatikva. I think Acheinu is the new song of Israel. The new anthem. It's good the feminist population hasn't caught onto the lyrics yet. It's better we don't sing it in English.

Some congregants had an issue because Acheinu adds time to Davening. They feel it's more important to have time to golf. They actually expressed their frustration. I didn't think that day would come where their golf was more important than the survival of our nation.
It's the same people that are mad there is a Holocaust Remembrance Day. One of them actually suggested a Holocaust themed mini golf course.

The biggest worry is that the board didn't mention an end date for Acheinu. If they would've said, 'It will be till the end of February,' the golfers would've been fine with it. They say that they can sometimes get in some good golf in March. And that is more important than the survival of our people.
Most of our membership is against Jewish unity.

Most people were crying because of how long Davening was. And for three straight days.
The naked talk in shul had most of the women's section wanting to run. Thinking of any of their husbands naked brought flashbacks of horror.

People have started asking Bernie to not pray for them. Congregants have started standing by him during the prayer for the healing of the sick to make sure he doesn't say 'Amen.'
I have a feeling our congregants are vindictive and they pray for bad stuff to happen.

The Sukkah decorating was off. Older people decorating had some weird arts and crafts projects popping into the Sukkah. One guy brought his walker to hang in the Sukkah. He called it modern art.
I think we have to stick to crayon drawings on paper plates.

The rabbi and the board is still appealing. They had a Sukkot appeal. They appeal whenever they have a chance. We went apple picking and there was an Apple Appeal. Any time there is one word, they have an appeal. They had a Kiddish Appeal. We even had a Costco Appeal when the rabbi wanted his own cottage cheese in a five gallon container.
We had a Paper Chain Appeal. The shul said they needed money for 'the next generation.' They even called them 'the next generation' as that brings out higher numbers on the appeal card flips. The rabbi got somebody to donate the paper and they still asked for money. Total cost was eight dollars. Total monies brought in during the appeal was four thousand dollars. Total monies of the appeal pledges received, zero.
The appeals are getting annoying. I flipped the tab just to get the shul office to send me a letter to pay stuff I won’t. I feel like it at least has them doing something for the dues I paid.

I am happy the rabbi clarified what makes people creepy. For me, it’s when an old guy talks to me at Kiddish.
They should be able to talk to me at Kiddish. It’s just that they spittle when they talk.

It was very romantic. The way she shook the Lulav at him and injured his cornea while smiling was romance.

They didn’t see the duck in the shul. They were orthodox, but not all orthodox people are observant. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Observant means observing the Mitzvahs. Orthodox means following the Mitzvahs, observant. Not the fact that waterfowl is in your shul.

He said his new house in Jerusalem is better than his home in America. He said, ‘In Israel, I have a Bayis.’ (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A house is a Bayit. Could be a Bayis if you're Ahskenazi. Bias. An Ashkenazi Hebrew pun. A bias for his Bayis in Israel. It might take time to get that pun. Try reading it again and stress 'Bayis.' Enunciate it for a good three seconds.
 
They wanted social services, so they all talked during Davening. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Services are prayers. Social services are usually for care of people. Talking in shul is social too. It was a social service because they were talking during Davening.
 
I purchased a Jewish papercut for the house. It was full of blood. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? I purchased papercut art. The guy who did the art had an actual paper cut. He was Jewish. I knew it was a real Jewish papercut. Because he cut himself. I felt good paying for the real thing.

I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. (Mordechai)
You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar.

I was going to do Kaparot, but I chickened out. (Mordechai)
You get it? Kaparot is the atonement ritual done before Yom Kippur. Done many times with a chicken. I chickened out. Meaning I didn’t do it. I chickened out to do it with a chicken. Two uses of the word chicken.
 
The price of Sukkahs has gone through the Schach. (Mordechai)
You get it? Schach is what we cover the Sukkah with. The roof of the Sukkah!Instead of going through the roof, it goes through the Schach on Sukkot. We all have homes, what we cover them with depends on how religious we are, and the weather. 'Gone through the roof' is the known saying. Thought you might want to know that.

Simchat Torah is coming up. Hence, we shall discuss Jewish dances. In years past we've talked about the different One Hand Torah Hold methods, the Huddle Jump, the Arm Raise, Chest Bounce techniques, the Arm Interlocked Twirl Arounds, the Rebbe Approach and dangers surrounding it, the Run Fast, the most popular of Jewish dances, the Walk Around, and the Stand and Clap.
This year we will focus on some hora styles of Jewish dance, so you can look cool and traditional at shul this Simchat Torah.

Hora Circles
The Hora is about style. And style is what Jewish dancing is about. You walk around that circle and you look good.
The Hora is an Israeli style dance where you move forward and then you go back to where you started. It is a great feeling when you think you are moving and then, you are skipping and jumping back to where you were. The Hora is not just a dance. The Hora is a message. A way of saying that progress is not our goal, like the tradition of a nation.  'We are moving, but we are not.’
Even if the circle is moving, every once in a while, you make sure to take that step, back to remind the kids about to tradition and to hurt the guy behind you's foot who was moving too fast.
 
The Back and Forth
The Hora can be a letdown in the modern Hora circle, as it sometimes moves forward a bit too fast. Many people like the idea of staying in one place when dancing, which makes for a more perfect Hora. These people don’t do the Hora’s two steps forward and one step back. Instead, they created the one step forward and one step back. Affectionately known as The Cradle Rock, this is for people who like to stand in the middle of the sidewalk and don’t like to move while they are dancing. The Jew of tradition, this is Israeli dancing at its best.
A variation of The Back and Forth is the ‘Sit Down.’ Similar to a protest, the ‘Sit Down’ is where you take a chair, sit down in the middle of the dance floor, and take a break. At a proper wedding, you may be lucky enough to get some people dancing in front of you, confusing you for the bride and groom. If you play the Sit Down version of the Hora correctly, you might get some gifts too.
 
Half Beat Side to Side Jump 
Huge in the ultra-Orthodox community, and done at all Tishes, this is where you interlock arms with the person next to you, hold each other close, and rock back and forth. A great show of Achdut, Jewish unity, you don't move together. It’s similar to the Israeli Hora, but more Frum.
 
Leg To Leg Bop
The modern Hora dance used for everything in Israel, more bopping is involved in this hora. Still dancing in circles, you may do this dance alone. Known as the COVID, the distance Hora jump dance making its way to America the past few years, I would like to credit Effie Allman for noting the brilliance and multifaceted abilities of this dance.
Dancing the Chatan and Kallah to the Chupah, dancing at protests, dancing at football matches, the meaning may change. Yet, the Leg to Leg Bop Hora remains in its tradition of expression.
Due to the dangers of uncoordinated wedding guests, many do Leg to Leg Bop dance alone. Still in a circle, as it is Jewish. Never take a dance out of the circle. Heretics do that. Apikorsim. Once the dance is in line form, it's not Jewish. The 'Yiddin' is not a Jewish dance. Nor is 'Cotton Eyed Joe.' I understand that last statement will cause much controversy. However, it must be said. It's not in a circle. It's a line dance. It has no connection to a Hora. 'Cotton Eyed Joe' is not a Jewish dance.
Again, like The Run Fast Dance, you must be in shape to bop.
 
Next time we will deal with what to do when there are many circles. Also focusing on which circle to join when you're out of shape and not ready for a Leg to Leg Bop. We will also discuss whether The Train is Jewish, and if you have to perform The Train in circle form for it to be Halachikly permissible.

This Simchat Torah, claim your spot and do the Hora. Remember, like any good traditional Israeli dance, the Key to the Hora is letting the people know, 'I'm moving but I'm not.'

Announcements
The rabbi will be handing out his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He feels that you getting a booklet of thirty sources shows enough of his brilliance that he does not need to give the speech. The rabbi also said he will also not explain why it's not called a Shabbat Teshuva Drasha.
 
It’s the Ten Days of Repentance. Do Teshuva. Literally meaning ‘returning.’ The rabbi wants to make it clear that we do not return to ourselves. He said to return to Gd and not to what you were. To quote, ‘Our members were a bunch of sinners, annoying, and messed up.’
 
We need to watch out for our older congregants. Max and Hy ran into each other after not seeing each other years, though they both come to shul. Max told Hy he looked the same, hasn’t changed a bit. Hy said the same. Apparently, they’re both losing their eyesight.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Ho to do Teshuva and Become Something Else, So Gd Will Finally Love You. Seeing People For What They Are: Older.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
If the heavens and earth heard your stupidity...

Yes. HaAzinu is a song. This is a song... I don’t know the tune. Moshe might have written it to a lyre... I don't read lyre notes... Not all songs rhyme. It’s a song because it brings everything together in clarity and unity. When stuff makes sense, it’s a song. This is why the shul band hasn’t been able to write a decent song... Nothing here makes sense. Why I had to even explain this, doesn't make sense.
When bad gets punished, it’s a song. When you see a congregant, whose car got stolen, it’s a song...

(Devarim 32:13) H’ will ‘have him eat ripe fruits... He would suckle him with honey from the stone, and oil from a flinty rock...’ Yes. That’s a blessing and excellent lyrics. Flinty rocks are amazing. You can write with it. That amazing chalkiness. Everybody loves flint... Dylan couldn't have written that. William Hanna's Flintstones song is good, but 'suckle him with honey...' are much better lyrics than 'the modern stone-age family.' Great lyrics though...

(Devarim 32:15) ‘You became fat... and deserted Gd its Maker...’ Not all fat people desert Gd. It’s just that you become focused on physical joy, you desert Gd...
Yes. Bad stuff happens then. When you desert Gd for dessert, issues happen. You become heavy and sin.
And what has this congregation done this year, but put on weight...

This is about Teshuva. Not the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. It’s a different Drasha... Shuva is Teshuva. Try saying Shabbat Teshuva... Exactly. It sounds like Shabbat Shuva...

You have Bracha when you have the correct focus... Of course. Of Gd. Every week I have to tell you the same thing...
It is at this time that you return to Gd. To Mitzvot. To song not sung by our Chazin. Songs that make sense... That's the punishment we get. A heavy Chazin...
No Bernie. Don’t return to your best self. Your best self has messed up every time. Fran. Your best self messed up the community quilt... Didn’t think somebody could mess up a community quilt. A bunch of random sewn boxes by untalented members of our shul, and you messed that up...

Hy. You and Max don’t look the same. You guys look worse... That's not a curse. It's a blessing. It's time for you to finally focus on looking old... Old is a Bracha. Thin and old is a Bracha. Return to Gd and stop eating half a pound of babka at Kiddish... Because there are other people and that's selfish.
It’s beautiful to look worse. It’s part of Teshuva...
If your sight was good, you wouldn’t be wearing that suit. It’s a double breasted
This Rosh Hashana may we all be Zoyche to Brachas of decent flint and a good jar of honey... Flinty honey rocks are a Bracha if you don't eat too much of them.

The problem is you're focused on yourselves. On feeding your Tyvas. Your desires. If you had a Tyva to exercise...

Rivka's Rundown
I still don’t know how that’s a song. It was almost as bad as something the shul band writes. Maybe it’s a different type of song. Maybe the shul band didn’t rhyme stuff, because their song was spiritual.
The rabbi went off on how these pop songs make no sense. That part of the sermon took a really long time. The rabbi doesn't like Taylor Swift.
Questions about the Flintstones came up. Whole discussions as to whether or not a car should have stone wheels, even if it's made of flint, came up.

People are now worried that if they eat too much they’ll serve false gods. And the rabbi is happy that he can finally get to his egg salad without having to push away the members who are hogging it all.
The rabbi believes that if you have worse food we’ll serve Gd better. Though he contends that you can't make worse kugel than the sisterhood. I'm confused. I think the real issue is that our congregants eat too much of the stuff with no taste. If we had flint honey, we'd be good.

The message was food is the idol. The rabbi didn’t say that. I just took that as the message. I created my own sermon. Once they started talking about the Flintstones, I created my own sermon.

The Shabbat Shuva Drasha was handed out in Hebrew. The rabbi figured that not putting in the translation for us showed more of his prowess.

The rabbi went on talking about people’s best selves and how Shloimi’s best self has never shared egg salad at Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which the rabbi said is now forbidden because our membership is too heavy, which means they sin too much to eat Shalishudis). Shloimi hogs the third Shabbat meal. And by the way, Shloimi is skinny. Emaciated.
The rabbi said he would never share a Rosh Hashana meal with Shloimi, because he would get no honey. Shloimi wants all the Bracha for himself.

The rabbi still blames the board for the mess ups in the announcements. He said he would call it typos. But it's too messed up to call it that.
The rabbi went off on how the board also lost their sight. Claiming they have redecorated the shul horrifically. He also went off on the maroon hallways. Samantha thought coloring the halls maroon would brighten up the shul’s atmosphere.

It's good the rabbi threw in 'thin and old.' Otherwise, people were very confused.

For the last week, the membership has been on the new honey diet. They're claiming that's what the rabbi was proposing in his Drasha.

Yom Kippur is coming up and Jews should go to shul. But be ready for the Yizkur appeal. You paid your dues. You paid for the chair. There's more. When you see cards with flip tabs that recollect loved ones, stay away. Take yours, pocket it and make sure to throw it out when you get home. Otherwise, a rogue usher will get hold of it and you'll get more bills from the shul.
And I shall warn you. Try not to listen to the Yom Kippur Yizkur sermon. The rabbi will start talking about relatives that passed, plucking those emotional donation strings, you'll be flipping tabs and your kids will end up with no inheritance.
Here are a few jokes about the Yizkur appeal and paying Jewish community pledges, if giving away the inheritance is funny.

Lost at Sea
The guilt of a Jew follows them everywhere. Even when lost at sea, they're thinking about the shul.
Joke: Merv and Sadie are on a cruise and get lost at sea. The captain tells all aboard they're going to be stuck on an island. Merv and Sadie are excited. This island wasn't part of the itinerary. The captain then goes on to tell them, 'The island cannot be found on any maps. So, the odds they'll be rescued are about zero.'
Merv turns to Sadie and asks, 'Honey. Are our life insurance policies paid up?' 'Of course.' 'Baruch H". Thank Gd.'
'Did we turn off the stove in the house?' 'Yes.' 'Blessed be Gd.'
'Did we pay our pledge for the Yizkur appeal?'
'Shoot. I forgot to send the check.'
'Thank Heaven. The shul will find us.'
That's the one positive of flipping the tab on the Yizkur appeal card. It's insurance. The Jewish community will find you, at least until you paid. After that, nobody will check up on you. You won't get a call. Chanukah will go by without the rabbi calling. Once Pesach starts coming around, they'll call to hit you up for the next Yizkur appeal.
Merv usually calls Sadie 'Sweetie.' But in the spirit of Rosh Hashana, he calls her 'Honey' during the High Holiday season.
Baruch H' means 'Blessed be Gd.' Even if they're stuck on a stranded island, thank Gd their finances are in order.

Search Party for Mr. Cohen
The UJA was great at asking for money back in the day. They joined with the Federations and the name changed to the Jewish Federation of North America. However, UJA sounds much better than JFNA in jokes. By the time you're finished with the JFNA acronym you've lost the crowd.
Joke: Sid Cohen is lost. Nobody can find him for days. An elderly man, the greater community is worried about Sid. The community organizes groups to look for Sid. They go to the parks, the malls, the grocery stores. Sid is nowhere to be found.
Finally going into the woods, they send out different groups to separate into the forest, shouting, 'Search party for Cohen! Search party for Cohen!' Finally they hear a voice, 'If it’s the UJA, I already paid my pledge.'
Why grocery stores made it into the joke, I can't tell you. I can tell you, if you want people to not contact you, pay your pledge.

Finding Jews To Get More Money
Let's stick with UJA. UJC also doesn't work. Though it folded, it gives the jokes historical context.
Joke: Father McFarwell receives a phone call from the United Jewish Appeal. He answers, as he doesn't have caller ID. It was the '80s. He denies he's Jewish. The caller explains 'Father McFarwell. We’re the UJA. We don’t make mistakes. You’re Jewish.’ McFarwell explains, 'I'm a Father. I have crucifixes everywhere. My father was a leader of the church and my mother, Oleha HaShalom... She was buried years ago at Mt. Zion Cemetery. You shouldn’t know of such things. You should live and be well.'
I added 'you shouldn’t know of such things. You should live and be well.' I felt like it gave it some extra Jewish flavor. Like Tzimis.
Oleh HaShalom and Olav HaShalom (Peace unto her and Peace unto him). Using Oleh HaShalom shows how Jews can't avoid saying certain stuff. Hence, a Frum New York Jew who becomes less religious is called a tuna baygel. He will always say 'baygel.'
I'm telling you. Try UJC, it doesn't work. It doesn't have the same ring to it. Ever since the UJA stopped running the Jewish joke genre has died.

Conclusion
All good Jewish jokes are about losing money. We need the UJA back for the jokes.

Epilogue
Always be ready. When you hear anybody mentioning a loved one that passed away, they're going to be asking you for money. When you're poor, nobody wishes you condolences.
You can't get away from the community, unless if you're broke. If you're broke, you'll never receive a call from the shul office or the JFNA. You see? it doesn't work. You won't get a call from the UJA.

This is a service I'm doing for you, to help you bless people with more fruit and vegetable Simanim (signs) during the first night of Rosh Hashana. Most vegetation is used for Simanim curses and I’ve had many sleepless nights due to thoughts of Rosh Hashana pomelos attacking me like enemies of the Jews that have had citrus squeezed into their eyes. As I don’t want you to have nightmares this year, here are some blessings that you can use with your fruit.
It's more fun to curse. However, I understand you have some children and we don't want them to be afraid of foliage.
It turns out that we’ve had to limit vegetation curses due to the pun abilities of our rabbis. Not anymore. Here are extra blessings for you.
 
Bananas- ‘May we all merit to be like a banana and enjoy ice cream without the banana split. Just the ice cream. And a banana later on.’ That was a blessing from my heart. I truly don't like bananas with my ice cream. My nemesis should eat that.
Batata- ‘May this year be a year where you enjoy bata on bread, like a baseball batata that hits a ball round and sweet, like a potato with less calories. A year of healthy carbohydrates in a choolante with paprika.’ Evil people don’t deserve to know of batata. They don't deserve a batata life. They also shouldn’t know of whole wheat bread. They should eat the tasteless, unhealthy, white carbs. ‘Bata’ was used instead of ‘butter,’ because that rhymes with ‘batata.’ Ask any New Yorker. 'Batata' was used instead of a baseball 'batter.' New Yorkers can't explain that.
Carrot- ‘May we all merit to have care in our lives, as a family member habit, just as the rabbit loves the carrot.’ Now I can eat carrots again. I felt 'care' was close enough to carrot. Hence, we worked it into the blessing.
Gourd- ‘May we merit to never be bored like a gourd. Like a gourd in our Sukkah, hung up by a string, a decoration to the world.’ That is very close to a curse. You might not want to share that one with your children, if they like lagenaria. Gourd execution can haunt a child who likes to eat healthy.
Honeydew- ‘May honeydew be the dew of the land, all sticky…’ I couldn’t come up with a rhyme. We’ll try another. ‘I love you, like a honeydew.’ If you are looking to share Rosh Hashana with the love of your life, don’t use that one. You may lose them.
Israeli Salad- ‘May we all merit a very tasty Israeli salad, with onions and salt. May we all be a salad deserving of a ballad. Kol Od BaLevav… the soul of the Jew, Israeli and not pallid.’ I turned that curse into a blessing with onions and salt. I had to, for myself. I'm very Zionistic and pale. I don’t like the salad that much, but I want to be able to support my country and to not fear eating it. The onions truly help the Israeli salad. Truly makes it a Bracha.
Orange- ‘May all merit a year with a decent tan. An orangish tinge.’ Orange you glad I shared that. The kids love the 'orange you glad' blessing genre.
Peach- ‘May we all merit to go to the beach, and not get burned. May we all merit to teach the ways of the world and not feel like we learned. May we all merit to eat a peach, tasty, not full of bleach, like a speech that has turned…’ Poetry may also be used in Simanim. Not all people are sophisticated to grasp the depth of the blessing. Nonetheless, they should still be blessed. The poetry flows.
Plum- ‘May we merit to run real fast, like a plum rolling down a hill. Not a drum rolling down a hill, that will stop when it lands on the flat side.’ Sometimes you want to touch on continued blessings of life in a blessing. Plums are the perfect way to do that.
Pomelo- ‘May we all be kind and sweet to our fellow, like a decent, not sower pomelo.’ Just speaks to the heart. The Zionist heart.
Pumpkin- ‘May evil turn into a limpkin, a huge bird that enjoys a pumpkin. Not to fall asleep like a lumpkin, who turns into a bumpkin.' One day maybe I'll be blessed to know what that blessing means.
Start fruit- ‘May we all merit to see a shooting star, from our car, as we take a trip to a beautiful country not too far, on a plane, that serves star fruit in coach.’ Couldn’t use star fruit for a curse. It is too heavenly.
 
My knowledge of fruits after ‘p’ is fairly limited. But I did bring some blessings from the fruits of Israel. I did mention orange, which should be one of the seven species of Israel.

I would've just given you Rosh Hashana blessings. But I am not good at blessing people without plantae and flora.