Announcements
We ask that congregants stop detailing their sins to the other members when asking for forgiveness. There have been way too many physical altercations since our community learned the idea of asking for forgiveness for specific sins you have done to others. Please stay away from exactly what you said that set off the divorce. They say you shouldn’t sleep first day of Rosh Hashana or during the rabbi’s sermon. Please stay awake during the sermon. The sleep apnea in this shul is very disturbing. We thank security for keeping everybody out of Shul this Rosh Hashana. They did a great job of not recognizing people they know. We also ask you allow members into the shul for Yom Kippur. We hope people show up for Yom Kippur. We don't want to have to refund seats. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Understanding Your Annoying Self. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Stay Away From the Annoying Members of Our Shul. When Falling Asleep Disturbs Everybody in Shul- Hy and How Loud He Snores. How to Keep A Safer Space- A Shul That Keeps Out Its Members Stays Together. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... This is the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. Why do I have to hand out sources?! You guys need to see fifty sources and you're satisfied. You need it printed... The effort is there. I don’t need to write a whole Torah and hand it out. Moshe wrote it and handed it to the Kohanim (Devarim 31:9)... Because the Kohanim don’t lose everything. You still haven’t returned my rake... I let you borrow it last fall. I need it now. But you lost it... Point is Moshe didn't have to hand out sources. He gave us the Torah. The Torah is not a syllabus. (Devarim 31:11) Moshe tells the elders and Leviim, “You shall read this Torah before Israel, in their ears...” "This Torah" is the Torah. There wasn’t another Torah, Simcha. Ever since you got involved in security you started questioning everything, even people you know. You don't have to question Torah now... They don't come to shul because you don’t let them in. You stopped letting them in... You have to read it in your ears because you people don’t listen... Now do you understand. Now that I said the Dvar Torah in your ears... Phil. You can't hear anything. Everything has to be said right in your ears. If it was for Phil, Moshe would've said to scream it in their ears... At the end of Sukkot at the end of seven years. Hakhel... When you read it all the time you end up with Baal Korehs like we have at our shul. If you guys read faster, like Menachem, maybe we would read the whole thing every week... (Devarim 31:12) Hakhel. "Gather the nation. The men, the women, and small children and your stranger... that they will hear...” We need everybody there to hear the Torah, because you don’t pass on anything. You don’t educate your kids. At least once every seven years they hear they have to shut up during Davening and clean their room... Hakhel. Not heckle. Which is all you do Bernie. You heckle the rabbi. Hakhel is listening to me... We read and we learn the Torah. The Kohanim, the tribe of Levi, guard it for us. But we have to know it. We have to hear it. You have to listen. Everybody. Even the kids. Please listen already!!! Let me give a sermon!!! These are things you have to do... We don’t trust you, because you're not Kohens. But you still have to do it. Now listen. It is almost Sukkot. It’s time you finally listened to something. With your ears... The way you people listen with your... I don't even know what you're listening with. You hear nothing. LISTEN!!! Don’t detail the sins. To Gd, detail them... I don’t think Shlomo needs to hear how you told everybody how he steals everything from his job. He's been unemployed for six years, because you said he took a pen... We all know Faye is nasty and jealous. No need to let her know you said that. And we know her hat selection is quite disturbingly hideous. Just ask for forgiveness. How do we stop Lashon Hara? That is the question... I have no idea. With annoying congregants that don't listen, it's hard... Don't go into detail, Brian... Brian. You went out with his wife after they got divorced. And you were the one who... Everybody should do atonement for falling asleep during my sermons. Brilliant sermons... And you slept first day of Rosh Hashana. Didn’t even do Tashlich. At Hakhel they didn’t fall asleep. If they would've heard Hy snoring at Hakhel, an ambulance would've been on top of that. Hatzalah would've jumped up... There were a lot of hockers back then. A lot of Hatzlaha guys. But they all listened. They heard. We have to get Simcha off security.... Because he's not a Kohen and he has no Seichel. And he doesn’t listen... You kept them out and you know them... They didn’t have a ticket?! It was your daughter... It’s a uncomfortable. You eat Kiddish with them every week and now the relationship is a ticket. And why call it a ticket??? Are they going to a High Holiday concert?!... That’s why it takes so long. The Chazin thinks he’s performing. He was performing for very few people, because Simcha kept everybody out... It's pathetic. You say, "We need your ticket. We have set seating." Look. Do we need set seating? Do we need set seating when there are 250 open seats?! Why did you say seats were reserved?!... Guy got inside. Snuck in. Sees 10 people... No. I don’t think they had our congregants running security for Hakhel. Nobody would’ve gotten in if Simcha was running security... You can't hear the Chazin's Davening when you're not allowed in shul... It is loud though... At Hakhel they let the Jews in. The Kohens should’ve been trusted to watch over who gets in for Davening... Stop listening to all the stuff the people are feeding you. Listen to the Torah in your ears... It rings. I know. Especially when Chaim is the one Layning... The point is to listen. Our people are called together to listen to the Torah. Not to talk during the rabbi's sermon. He's still talking. Bernie! It's a sermon... "Hakhel." Not "heckle." You listen to the Torah... It is Shabbat Shuva. The Shabbat of repentance. Where we return to the way of Torah... You never do Teshuva, Bernie. What are you talking about?!... Still talking. Listen. If you listened, there would be Teshuva. The community would let in the members to shul... Why they pay membership to not be allowed in by members is very weird to me. But I guess that is security. We're safe, as long as Ethel isn't in shul... If we had Levites running security… Not talking allows us to be better people. Not hearing you... Everything you say is Lashon Hara. We just need to listen to the Torah. And that means letting Jews into shul... You can't hear it if you're not hear, gathered with our people in Topeka. Repent by being quiet. How you guys listen with your mouth... Rivka's Rundown The way the people usually listen is by looking at their phone. But they're not allowed to bring phones into shul on Shabbat. If securities job was to keep phones out, I would say that having Hymie and Bernie sitting outside is safe. If they're sitting outside checking phones, and the guy with the gun is checking people, our shul is in good hands. The rabbi called him up and said the Shabbat Shuva Drasha in Melvins ears. Melvin is hard of hearing. Phil is 98. These people can't hear. I don't think the Jews entering Israel with Yehoshua were that old. Then, the rabbi walked over to Bernie to finish the Drasha. He said the ending part in Bernie's ear. The rabbi put no effort into his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. If I don’t see printouts with source numbers, it's not improvised. I need sources. You hand me a source packet, I respect you. What you say means nothing to me. I just like the feeling of knowing the rabbi went on Sefaria to cut and pasted the stuff. Our congregation would be happier if we didn't talk. If we just listened. Brian truly ruined that marriage. He shouldn't have said anything. If people heard what I said about them, they would be egging my house. I ask for forgiveness. They all know I spoke Lashon Hara about them. I talk, it's Lashon Hara. I can't help it. You see people like Brian ruining that marriage, and then you see the renovations committee making quilts because they ran out of money for a curtain, you have to talk. The only positive is knowing Melvin and Phil can't hear. I don't think Fran can hear either, which is why she's on the security force. Thanks to their inability to hear, my Lashon Hara sin count is sixty percent lower than it would've been. A hard of hearing congregation is good. The rabbi tried having a class on Lashon Hara. They just spoke more. It started with, “How do I not talk about Penina? She is so annoying.” And it went from there. They talked about Penina for half an hour. The rabbi then went into the annoyingness of each individual to get out the idea of Lashon Hara should not be spoken. Then somebody told the story of the Chafetz Chaim on the train. Where he said he deserved to get hit for talking bad about himself. So the rabbi called up Penina and had somebody hit here. The idea of speaking good about people came up. But that turned out to be Avak Lashon Hara. Dust of Lashon Hara, which causes people to speak bad. Anything good said about anybody in our congregation turns bad. The kind thought of Bernie always showing to shul turned into a tirade of how the guy doesn't shut up. So, final decision is that people in our community should not talk. Which I don't like, because every time I need salt now, I have to stand up at Kiddish and walk around the table. Then I have to go to the other side of the table for the dressing. Rosh Hashana was hard. I couldn’t sleep. I tried falling asleep by counting my sins. It’s hard to fall asleep counting those. I tried going with the regular way of falling asleep by counting sheep, but then I started thinking about all of those prayers where we’re Gd’s flock. And then I thought about passing under His staff and how I'm going to hell because of my sins. And I started counting those again. A lot of sins to count. They do snore loud. For some reason, everybody can hear Melvin and Phil when they snore. Even Fran wakes up. I thought snoring was fine. I don't believe it's part of the lexicon of COVID yet. Coughing isn't fine. You cough, you're accused of trying to land others in the hospital. You cough in our shul now and they attack you. They get security on you and throw you out for intent to kill. Somebody sneezed by accident, they got carried out of the shul. I held in a sneeze out of fear of being tossed into the street for murder. The thought of somebody killing you will stop you from sneezing. It probably helps with hiccups too. Next time a hiccup is coming on, I'm going to think of the possibility that a member of my shul will see me and shoot me. I do believe that the new reaction to sleep apnea was a bit much. Renouncing people's memberships was a bit much. The office said to my friend Sheindel, "Until you have health, the community doesn't want to see you." How that works with the blessing "you should have health" that everybody says, I do not know. We stopped saying that blessing. Nobody cares about sick people anymore. They just want sick people away from them. I think they changed the blessing to "all people who are not healthy should stay away from shul." And how it all works with the idea of visiting the sick?! I do not believe it does. The new idea is to leave them alone till they die. I checked with the Gabai. It turns out the Mishebeyrach blessing for sick people is only for people outside of the shul. If somebody is sick in shul, they are not part of the blessing, and we find a way for them to die. Unless if they are wearing a mask. The Gabai said it's fine if they sneeze into the mask. The fact that they're wearing a mask they blew their nose into is pain enough. They're thus allowed to stay in shul. There was nothing about the Yizkur appeal cards to give money to the shul for family members who died. Nothing said on Yom Kippur. Nothing mentioned. No talk of monetary appeals. The shul finally gave up. They realize nobody pays them. They put out the cards and then said nothing. They just had the cards out there. By the way. That was a Chutzpah. Right after Kol Nidrei, they hand out appeal cards. Right after we annulled all our vows and oaths, we are asked to flip a tab that says I'm going to give the shul $500. And now, they want another vow that I'm not going to keep. Now with security nobody feels comfortable in the shul. Forget about the discomfort of flipping the $1,800 tab on the appeal card, getting into shul to pay it is too uncomfortable. You have Simcha on everybody's back for not being trusted as a member. And I agree with Simcha. I wouldn't trust any of the guys in our shul to do a decent job Layning the Torah. The security is truly off. With questions like "where are you from?" It's awkward. I heard six people in a row say, "Topeka." And that makes sense. Our shul is in Topeka. Interrogation is done better by EL AL. If we had a guy at the door asking people who packed their Tallis bag, that would be legit. And then after the interrogation of what address in Topeka they live at, which is the same one they've been at for fifty years, they have to show their seat number. They get inside and see 250 empty seats. 250 empty seats. Apparently, all reserved for not you. This all has you questioning if the shul wants you. And that is what makes the High Holidays meaningful. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album L9/26/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the extra shwarma-sized toilet paper and people making money on Ben Yehuda in Israel, all while not supporting Chinuch education of children blowing Shofars they’re not buying, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on why he can’t take off weight fast days, while eating.
That is a huge toilet paper roll they had by the sink at the restaurant in Israel. Shwarma will do that to you.
That guy is still having the going out of business sale. He’s been now going out of business for forty-three years... He even has new going out of business stickers. I’m just happy his business is thriving, and that he can afford the new signage. And more years of going out of business. He should get many years of use out of those signs… That guy has made it a point to sit there till they close the store. He's been waiting there the whole time.
When Chinuch, child education, goes too far. Now there is no way I am buying any of those Shofars… Real cute until I’m spending 300nis on a fourth graders’ spittle. And the mom is fine with it. Because she’s not buying it. And that guy walking by was about to buy the Shofar… Nachis is your child shooting phlegm in a store and you not having to pay.
Somehow, I put on weight last Yom Kippur. I find that I get fatter on fasts... I have to slow down the intake of my whole kitchen before and after the fast. And that was the first course. Then we brought out the leftover shwarma and pargiot, and Kugels. Then doubled up on the croutons. Plane croutons, just in case we starve over the next few hours. And we didn't clean up, as that takes away from pre-fast eating time. The not being able to eat for a day scares me. I’m always worried the rabbis will throw another Yom Kippur on us. Tzom Gedaliah truly has me worried.
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He's got the job next year... The arm spread is a little extra. Not necessary. It might help with the reach of his voice. Not sure.
The High Holidays are here and it's your time to shine as the Chazin. Known as the cantor, we are going to call you the Chazin. If you don't know what a Chazin is, you don't know what a cantor is.
Before we get started, don't be discouraged. You don’t need a good voice to be a Chazin. That has been proven by who my shul chooses to lead services every week. Nonetheless, a good voice can put you in the one-percenters of Chazins that people like. No matter your abilities, you want to lead Yom Kippur services and look good. Here are some techniques you must employ. The One Note Technique Get all the words into one note. When they wrote the Tefillahs, they didn't have tunes. Hence, it is your job to pick a tune that was not meant for the repetition of the Amidah. The Levites weren't singing the melodies from the early two-thousands in the Temple. The rabbis didn't have the tune of vZakayni in mind when they wrote Naartizcha 1500 years ago. You've got to get every word of Kedusha into that note. Though incompatible, it must fit in that semibreve. Not easy, but a seasoned Chazin can do it. It takes much practice to master this. It's preferable to first work on a twenty second Shofar blast. Once you have that down, you might be able to do Kedusha correctly with the note from vZakayni. The Long Note Hold Hold a note for real long. Don't stop. Do not end the word. Keep it going. If you pass out, the congregation will be on their feet, applauding. This technique should be used at the end of every prayer. Hence, adding to the length of the service itself. That will get you the money. Nobody is paying ten thousand dollars to a Chazin who's finishing the services in three hours. The Tune that Doesn't Fit I reiterate. Very important to never give up on a tune. Especially when the tune doesn't work with the words. You pick your tune and commit to it. If you truly want it, vChol Maaminim will work. The Throat Clear You clear the throat, they know it's real. Chuch that. Get out a decent sized phlegm wad. A Chazin has to let the congregants know he's about to start. A huge bit of mucus will have them ready for Kol Nidrei. When they hear that Chuch with the wad, they'll know a real Chazin is about to start. The Tune Everybody Knows They will all get into it. Know this in advance. Before making the decision to sing a song they know, understand that you will have to listen to them. They all think they're the Chazin when they know the tune. They will pay six-hundred for the seat, just to drown you out. They all think they have a good voice. When you're singing in a group, all the badness unifies into one. And thus we have what is known as congregations. If you're up for a lot of off tune harmonizing, this is the time to pull the song everybody knows. Second Warning: Only do this if you can handle it. I've seen Chazins give up right in the middle of the Torah ceremony. They started singing, the Cantor turned around and said, "I can't handle this. I have no idea what you are all doing on the left side of the shul. I thought we were supposed to be singing 'Etz Chayim Hi.' I'm out of here. I'm going somewhere where the congregants don't know the songs." Davening Extension Extend everything. The longer Davening goes, the holier the prayers are. Everybody knows this. And you get more pay. The extended Amidah is quite important as well. Do not let the rabbi beat you. Wait till the rabbi finishes, then take your three steps back. The Shema prayer. Go longer. And if the rabbi jump dances, you jump higher. NayNayNays work great for this. You can extend any prayer with a NayNayNay. You can get an extra couple hours out of Musaf with the employment of the NayNayNay Method. Note: The congregants will complain about the longer Davening. That is OK. This is what they're bringing you in for. They want something to complain about. The Kvetch Cry as much as you can in your Davening. The people connect to that. They also have to be in shul for fifteen hours on Yom Kippur. Cry when talking to people. They tell you how their kids are doing, cry and sing "Sunrise Sunset." Your job is to cry. You cry, you have job stability. You're the High Holidays Chazin. They pay you to cry for them. The congregants feel like they have a place in Olam Haba, the world to come, if their Chazin is crying. Wear a Huge Gown They like that. Huge gown and huge top hat. That's how you become famous. As Sadie Sarah Leah said last year, "I'm sure he had a good voice. His clothes were fifteen size too big on him." The Eye Close That looks like you're connecting to Gd. You close your eyes, it's spiritual, especially when you don't do anything. Just space out for a few minutes, and the congregants will understand that their Chazin is connecting to Gd. It also adds to the prayer length. Remember, anything that adds prayer length is good. Nobody asks questions of whether or not a Chazin is holy when he's sleeping on the job. Dramatic Pause Technique Quiet people. Anytime you make people feel like they did something wrong, you have power over them. And Chazin needs power. You quiet people with silence. Your stop will make everybody uncomfortable, having them question if they truly were the reason for the Al Chets, the "about these sins" prayer. This technique just looks good. I would suggest a shush every once in a while. You want there to be a shush. Note, it's best if somebody else shushes for you. True leaders have other people doing their shushes. The Kermit the Frog You want to sound like the Kermit the Frog if he resonated real well. You don't need a good voice to be the Chazin. You need techniques. So, practice the above. Get down your Kvetching, songs that don't fit the words, and a huge top hat that doesn't fit, and you will have gigs. It's all in the singing. This isn't a dance performance. You don't need to do the arm stretch. You're the Chazin. That takes enough energy. You don't need an arm workout. You're not ensuring the sea remains split. Don't overlook the singing. No matter how bad your voice, you sing it. If you have enough confidence in your inabilities, somebody will love it. And remember. Don't let the rabbi outdo you. If that means giving a sermon in the middle of your repetition of the silent prayer, then do it. That should get you a gig. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Nitzavim9/21/2025
Announcements
The Chazin for Rosh Hashana will be doing the services very fast. We will be out of shul by 3pm. No need to wait till the High Holidays to donate money to the shul in honor of your loved ones. You can give money right now. You can always give us money. The office of the shul is always happy to help take your money. We are raising money for honey for the poor. The rest is on them. Though, our congregants have graciously volunteered to make sure poor people have the condiment. We ask people to calm down with the Shofar blowing. We understand it’s exciting to see somebody blowing a horn for more than five seconds, but we do ask people also think about Davening this Rosh Hashana. We ask that you don't break into discussion because we did a Mitzvah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why the Chazin Thinks People Want to Be in Shul Longer on Rosh Hashana- Discussion in People Who Think Other People Want to Hear Them. Why Rabbis Are Amazing and People Want to Hear Them. Why You Should Give More Money to the Shul and Why the Rabbi Deserves a Raise. How Donating Honey Helped Nobody in Our Community. Shofar Blowing and How Exciting It Is to See Somebody Who Has No Idea How to Blow a Saxophone. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Everybody was in front of Moshe when he was talking. The whole people. Where is Binny?... Well. He’s not here. He’s a little child. Somebody should be watching over him... They watched over their children in the Midbar. The desert... (Devarim 30:3) “Then H’ your Gd, will bring back your captivity and have compassion upon you. And He will return you, gather you in from all the nations that H’ your Gd has scattered you”... It's not a prayer to bring back captivity. "Bring back captivity" means to bring back the captives of our people... I know it sounds like having more captivity. But we don't want that. I don't think. And this is why I don't like translating things for you... Because you take what I say and think it's the correct translation of the Torah. That's a problem. Now listen to me. H’ is in charge... I don’t know why there is all the scattering. Maybe we bring it ourselves and H’ allows it. Have you seen the Finkelman den? Toys are scattered everywhere. A lot of scattering. H' has to bring us back from that... It's not up to H' to clean the Finkelman's family room. Lesson is we mess up. We need H's compassion. Without compassion nothing is happening. If our congregation was organizing the return of our people to Israel, it wouldn't happen. No amount of compassion could... The board can't even get seats right. Scattering people all over. If the board is in charge, we’re not having services this Rosh Hashana. Nobody is getting a seat. H’ stepped in. We did Selichot. We asked Gd for compassion, and somehow, some of you got the seats you wanted... It was the same seats they had last year, Ruchel. That’s what they wanted... No. I don’t want to sit next to the Gabai. But it seems that I have to... The word is “then." "Then H' your Gd will bring back your captive." That sounds better... After what? After we return. We return after we return. We are returned to Israel after we return in Teshuva... Teshuva means to return... If repentance meant Bernie returning to himself. Something is wrong here... We have to do Teshuva and “listen to H’s voice” (Devarim 30:2). The Pasuk starts, “And you returned to H’.” Before H’ brings us back. We have to return... You should probably return Nachum’s Siddur to his spot. That is the correct thing to do as well... After that, we can talk about redemption. After Nachum's Siddur is back in his spot and Sam and Sarah Finkelman cleans their house... There's a preamble to returning. And that is effort. It is only when we put in that little effort... When have you put in effort, Sam? You clean your house with a Swiffer. No elbow grease. You slide the thing over the floor like you're petting the dirt. Redemption begins with our efforts. With our noticing we've done wrong. With looking at the shul renovations and the drapes on the Shulchan... What table has drapes?... That is not a table cloth. That is a drape. It's on the side of the table. It's a drape... Then get a table cover. Let's return to table covers... Redemption begins with Teshuva. Returning to normal things. With not listening to the board of this shul... Where is He bringing us back to? Not to Topeka. B"H... The effort this congregation puts in... You're all scattered. That’s the problem. Look at the seating charts for the High Holidays. Geulah comes with our effort. It is then that H’ helps us... We need help. Look at how everybody is sitting scattered around the shul. Everybody's worried they're going to have to share an armrest. Those things are tiny. I told you to double up on armrests between seats. The way the chairs are, you can't sit next to anybody without an armrest fight... It’s then... It’s only a seven-hour Davening?! That's not effort. That's painful. We will miss the redemption... Fast is two hours. I will be sure the Chazin doesn’t go over three hours... I will heckle him. I will be on top of him, hemheming and tapping my watch. I will say faster. I will blow the Shofar during his uNitanah Tokef if I have to... You saw that I did what I could with Shacharit. But the Chazin sung a song. I even gave a fast tap. It did nothing... Point is I put in effort to make things better... You can always donate in memory of a loved one. That's a good way to put in effort... I understand that you sweat when you give your money to charity. It's like a workout for you. How much it pains you... The shul is a good place. I also have the rabbi’s discretionary fund. You should give to that. A very worthwhile charity and everybody knows where the money goes... Your rabbi. That is me. I have discretionized the funds to go to me, for charity reasons and holiness. Because your rabbi puts in that effort. And you get a place in Shamaim. In heaven... And thus, you will be deserving of H's compassion... Honey for the poor is important. But what about all the other food they need for the holidays?! Kugel? Gefilte fish? Soup? What about brisket? They have to buy their own?!... So, we supply the honey to put on the brisket. And that doesn't even taste good. What about garlic powder?!... Honey for the poor. The most useless charity I have ever heard of. Again. No effort. It’s like “Gd will provide for the poor.” There’s no commandment for Gd to provide for the poor. We’re supposed to give Tzedakah... "Gd will provide" is what you say when you've given up. Whenever someone asks me how the shul is doing, I say "Gd will provide." First we give Tzedakah, and then maybe they’re helped. It's a communal deliverance and therefore we are our brothers' keepers. Give more to the poor. Some effort... You can give love. You can invite them for a meal. As long as it's not the Horowitzs who have the worst food... Last time I was there for a holiday meal, I asked for more honey. I just had honey on Challah... The Shofar guy puts in effort. You saw his face got red... The Shofar blowing turns into a whole conversation. “Ooh Ahh. Hebrew a Shofar for eight seconds.” In my day, I could go for fifteen seconds... Are all the kids here? Time it. I will hold my breath. Check out how long... And that is your rabbi. It takes effort. Practice. And it is with H’s help, I’m still alive after holding my breath that long... Why the blowing gets applause and a discussion?! You should do it for other Mitzvahs. "Oh. Did you see?! Bentzi just laid Tefillin!!! Oh Yeah. Bracha washed her hands for Hamotzi. Oh Baby!!! Awesome!!! Got all the way to the wrist. They just buried Simon. Chesed Shel Emet. High Fives!!!" And that is how redemption happens. If we don’t put in effort and watch our children, will they be at the Geulah?! No. Because they got lost. If somebody can please return the Torah to the Aron right now. The fact that hasn't happened yet is messed up. Why the Torah is still out. The Gabai put in no effort to find a decent Torah carrier. The Chazin doesn't want to hurt his back. No effort... Gd will help us if you don't show up to shul. If you weren't here... May we be deserving of H's compassion. May we put in at least that effort to have help from H' and to get out of Davening quickly. May we have a year of normal seats, where we don't have to fight over an armrest... A year where people are quiet for Shofar blowing. When they blow the Shofar on Rosh Hashana. Just then. Put in some effort to not talk... It takes more effort for you to not talk, Bernie... Rivka's Rundown The armrests in the shul are truly tiny. Every fight in our shul, all hatred, comes from sitting next to somebody during Davening. The rabbi brought up pews. The shul even picked up a couple of pews for Rosh Hashana, to check them out. Each person insisted that the pew was their seat. Just a big one. The thing holds five people. It's a huge chair with no arm separations. One guy sat at the end of his pew, and still fought with the guy in the pew next to him over the armrest. Morty started a new cause, "One pew per person." The rabbi held his breath for six seconds to make the point of working hard. “If you keep in shape, H’ will keep you healthy enough to hold your breath for six seconds.” That was his message. Between us. The rabbi wanted attention. I think the rabbi is jealous of the attention the Shofar guy gets. The rabbi puts so much effort into his translations. I appreciate him telling us that his translations are not correct. "We return after we return." Confusing but brilliant. The congregants truly put in no effort to anything. Cleaning with a Swiffer. That's how they do it. They drag the thing. Mark opened up the ark halfway for vChol Maaminim. Sadie put Schach on her recycle bin and said it was her Sukkah. The new roller recycle bins are huge. The High Holiday seating was truly messed up. You had Ethel next to Faye. Not smart. You had Bernie next to Sy. Sy passed away. That was the only positive. Sy didn't have to listen to Bernie talking the whole time. The rabbi was strong with the Chazin. Very forceful. He clapped to get the Chazin to move faster. He knows some of them can have Kavanah. And that’s not wanted. The rabbi pushed the Chazin, and we were able to get out of shul by supper. The office doesn’t want to wait till the High Holidays. They don’t trust the congregants will ever give. They’re trying to get whatever they can right now. They know who they’re dealing with. As the office staff says, "Always be closing. We want their money and we don't want them coming back to shul." The appeal cards, those never get paid. I think the office is trying to say to not wait till Yom Kippur to donate in your loved one’s memory, because they’re worried the appeal cards will only be a verification of what the members already didn’t give last year. That's what the congregants are doing. They think the cards are there to let the office know they haven't given that amount. That's the amount they will not give. We all know where the discretionary fund money goes. The money from the Rabbi’s discretionary fund went to the rabbi’s new car and summer home last year. Which the rabbi said are holy objects. “Give more to the poor” is the rabbi’s new slogan. And he also added “And the rabbi’s discretionary fund.” Many people showed up to the packaging day. They each took a jar of honey. It should’ve been a “package your honey for yourself because you deserve as much as the needy” program. Edith said Krogers was charging too much, and "that ruins the holiday spirit." The holiday spirit is getting a decent deal. The rabbi just wanted to show off about his Shofar blowing skills. That was the real point of his Drasha. The kids were enthralled. He called in the kids for the end of his sermon, so they could hear the stories of the legend, their rabbi. The rabbi wanted the Shofar attention. That's all it was. Tags:
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If you can't read what you wrote, you don't have to do it.
We’ve been through resolutions that good Jews make on Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, to connect to Gd by not eating more chocolate. In the past, we also spoke of resolutions to be closer to Gd because you want a raise, as well as other resolutions made in shul because Rosh Hashana services are way too long. But nobody keeps to those resolutions after the High Holidays, unless if they get stuck at a Carlebach Minyin and they start singing with the NayNays. Those will have you resoluting in the middle of the year that you will show up to services on time, if you never have to sing a NayNayNay prayer extension again.
This Rosh Hashana, let us focus on honest resolutions. Ones that you will keep. To make your holiday and year more meaningful, here are resolutions that I know you will do. I will not learn what the blessings mean. I will say them and not understand. I will probably end up saying the "Shehakol" blessing for everything, because it is too much effort to find out how an almond grows. I will say it in Hebrew and treat all prayers as if they are Slichot hymns of which I understand not a word. I will get caught saying "Amen" at the wrong time, and I will look like a fool, because I yelled it out with pride. I will speak Lashon Hara. Talking bad about other people is enjoyable. I do not want to lie. But I will lie about Shlomo's work debacle, where he let one go in the cubicle, because I can't stand him. And he chews his Kichel real annoying. I will say that I won’t speak Lashon Hara, to do Teshuva and be forgiven, but then I'll do it. After I cement my place in the good book, I'll be right back on Shlomo and how he ruined his marriage. I will get married. The divorce rate is up. I have a chance this year. I will go to weddings and buy gifts that I found on sale, even if it looks cheap. I will first try to come up with any excuse to not go to weddings. I can't afford the cheap gifts anymore. I will get married so I can blame my spouse for not being able to show up at Simchas. I will learn that book about Lashon Hara, and then do it. I will express anger if there is not enough milk in the fridge. I will blame my spouse for that, yell at them, and plan a divorce until it gets cleaned. I will watch what I want to in the house. I can care less if my wife is happy, we are not watching the Hallmark Channel anymore. I will not spend more time with the children, even if it helps my wife. Those things are very loud. I will spend extra time at work for some peace and quiet. I will not tell my kids I call them things. Though, I want to. I will be angry all the time. I have a car, and I end up at mechanics sometimes. I also have bills. I will not go on vacation. I am broke. I will get yelled at for not doing the dishes. I will not do the dishes. There will be no me time. I will not eat healthy. I said I would eat healthy last year. That didn’t happen. I will put on weight. I will not go to the gym. I will buy a membership though. Which is the least I can do for my health. I will not be able to afford vacation because I paid for that gym membership. I will be too tired to cancel my gym membership. I will start eating chocolate again, in a week. I am going to be thriftier when it comes to my kids. I will not purchase any gifts for my wife, because I genuinely forgot the date of her birthday. I will still buy a gym membership, because I am an idiot. I will not go to the gym. Last year I said I would go to the gym. That didn’t happen. I will then say I'm not getting a gym membership again, but I will forget to cancel. And they will sign me up for another year. I will not make resolutions like these again. I will not sin. Yes, I will. I will do those sins I said I will not do again. I will sin a lot this year. I will not get angry, unless if other people are wrong. Other people are always wrong. I will prepare more for prayers by sleeping through Shacharit and doing it later, on my own. I feel the best way to connect to Gd is by sleeping. I will flip the Yizkur appeal card, and I will not pay my pledge. I will not lie unless if it comes to doing Teshuva. I will end up doing what I said I will not do. But maybe that's not true here. I think I can stick to not working out and not helping around the house. I shouldn't be making resolutions, as that's like a vow. Maybe I will keep these resolutions. I can find a way to stay angry at the mechanic and talk about Shlomo. Maybe making resolutions to sin is wrong. I will be confused. Tags:
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Though it’s tradition to bother ELAL flight attendants by standing in prayer, rabbis suggest to sit and hit the person next to you with your Tallis.
Some rabbis say it’s forbidden to raise livestock in Israel, as it may graze in someone else’s field and steal. To steal in Israel, you have to do it yourself. Definitely, if I see your sheep in my backyard, I will not be happy. It’s an apartment on the fourth floor. It’s AstroTurf, and we don’t want your ewe grazing there. If you’re going that far to steal our chaise lounge, that’s a bit much. Rav Hershel Schachter says, if possible, one should visit Israel for more than a month or even a full year. As the Mitzvah of visiting is to lose your job… It would appear Rav Schachter comes to this conclusion as the Magen Avraham (248:15) says it’s a dispute as to whether visiting Israel is a Mitzvah, or if it’s only living there that counts. And people have really nice houses in Teaneck. It would be Halachikly incorrect to give that up for Israel. Until Israel can offer the same lawn and foliage abilities, and easy access to Manhattan, it's questionable as to whether it is correct to live there. "If someone comes to kill you, rise and kill him first" (Sanhedrin 72a). This is why I don’t go to Krav Maga classes with Frum Jews. They take the laws too seriously. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Ki Tavo9/14/2025
Announcements
The world lost a righteous man this week. A man who stood up for Israel and moral values. Unlike our congregants who have a hard time eating falafel in a pita, without the tahini getting all over their shirt. The commemoration of Nine-Eleven ceremony will take place this coming week on Nine-Eighteen. Nobody realized it was Nine-Eleven until they saw the screen on their computer, which had the date in number form. We ask from now on, everybody purchase calendars without names for months. Just numbers. This will also help when reporting your birth date to the office. We will be singing "Acheinu," the song of brotherhood, all week long. Until you get it right. And sway together correctly. It is the new song of our people, because nobody knows the words to Hatikva anymore. So we’ve given up on that. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why It’s Fine For Liberals to Laugh at the Death of a Man Who Talked- The Forbidden Nature of Talking to People. Numbers in Month Form- A Seminar on What Numbers Correspond With Which Months. How to Sing Without Messing Up a Song- The Art of Saying NayNayNay. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Moshe talks of going into Israel right after he speaks of Amalek... He didn’t have you as congregants. He had Amalek. Right after Amalek, Moshe talks of going to Israel. You have to keep in mind those who want to kill us. That’s why we have Israel. And for good Kosher falafel. With the basket you bring, the Bikurim, you bring up Egypt and thank H'. You speak of how H’ saw our suffering and redeems us... Israel is what Gd gives us. It’s our safe place. And we have abandoned that by not being thankful... Yes. You can say what you want in Israel. It's a safe space for Jews. Gd brings us there, but we have a side of the covenant we must keep. And I know that responsibility bothers you all. Which is why our Chazin will be doing all of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur Davening, as well as opening the Aron himself... (Devarim 27:1-4) When you get to Israel, “set up great stones and coat them with plaster.” The commandment isn't to do renovations on the stones. If you were doing renovations on the stones with a committee, they would've never got plastered... I don’t know. Weather ruins things. Weatherproof the stones. “And you shall write on them all the words of the Torah when you cross over.” It’s there for Torah. Israel is there for us to practice the Torah. To read it. To preserve it. Preserve it with plaster... We’re not putting plaster on the scroll over here. It costs too much... They didn't have Sofrim charging 150k back then. That's why some of the rabbis say they didn't write the whole Torah on the stones. With the scribe fees, it would've cost the community too much... The stones are our foundation right when we get to Israel... If you would've put in a decent foundation on the Sukkah, it wouldn't have blown away last year... Are you protecting the Torah. The covenant of Gd that we must keep safe, so that we are safe. Are you protecting the foundation. If you would've plastered the walls of the shul correctly, we wouldn't have water damage... What makes it our safe place is the Torah. Is our guarding and protecting the Torah. We have to waterproof it, because we need to guard our will. Amalek, the Egyptians, those who attack us and our supporters, attack our will. Like the board, who attacks every decent Torah idea. Such as learning. The board decided learning Torah wouldn't raise enough money, so we don't learn in our shul... The Torah idea was to learn Torah. I understand that's too simple for a committee to discuss. So, it didn't happen. We should plaster "Learn Torah" on the walls of our shul... Because, it's a simple idea, Bernie. And it doesn't change... You should be in Israel... I’m not there because I have a job. Israel protects us and we must learn Torah there. We must practice Mitzvot. It is written on the foundation stones to remind us of morality... Because it's plastered. And they had decent masons working on the stuff. Not a millennial who... Are we preserving the Torah? Are we fighting Amalek? Are we truly thanking Gd with our gift baskets? If the Purim Mishloach Manot I received from the members of this shul is any sign, we are not doing a good job. Israel isn't complicated. The Knesset is complicated. However, the Midot, the traits of Israel are simple. Be good. Fight evil. Get money from tourists... Israel is about morals. The Olam lost a righteous man this past week. What do you stand for? What are your morals? How are you going to continue his legacy? Are your Jewish kids safer on college campuses now?... Because they're not plastering the Torah on their walls. Because the college life is based on immorality, one cannot be safe. They have pictures of Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar... I don't believe they were what Moshe was talking about plastering. And that is how you lose morals. It's what you plaster on the wall. And at this shul we're using Sheetrock. Drywall does not represent morality. Neither does hip hop or the Swift family. Nor does a poster of A Minecraft Movie. Building an immoral society with nothing on it's foundation stones... Laughing at a Tzadik’s murder??? Your sense of humor is off... Things to laugh at would be the board's choice of wallpaper in the social hall. Charlie saw the immorality in America and attacked it. He was trying to plaster truth on the walls. What moral values do you fight for?... Giving tips at Flavor Cafe is not a moral value. Fifteen percent does not make you a person with scruples. There's no Mitzvah to be a big tipper... You haven't given Tzedakah in years... Tipping is not charity. And the fact that you gave your Mayser money, your tithe, to tips... A tithe is a tenth. One tenth. Not one and a half tenths... We must talk things out. Plaster the holy words of H' on the rocks. In his way, Charlie Kirk tried doing that on the campuses... I am not suggesting graffiti. The Torah reminds us of history and our hardships. The Torah we practice is in the face of evil. We preserve it in the face of the board and our synagogue committees... Commemorating those who have gone is important. Which is why we have memorial plaques, plastered on the wall of our chapel. And you can donate money in honor of your loved ones who've passed on... Morals are based on them. Moral acts we preserve, the Torah, is all based on how we treat death. The past. Chesed Shel Emet. Kindness of truth. And our will to live by Torah even when we’re under attack. How we commemorate... The problem is we called it Nine-Eleven. If it was called September 11th, everybody would know when that is... Calling 911 is not the right thing to do on NIne-Eleven. You do a moment of silence. Prayer. Commemorate it. Torahify it. Maybe fight terrorism. Have we waterproofed our Israel?! We are going to be singing Acheinu all week. It’s for our people, and we're going to sing it all week. At least till you get the song right. You guys mess it up every time. How do you mess up a song of brotherly love so much?!... It's because you don't love your people. The song makes me cry every time I hear it. How all of our people come together and sing. How you all sway and sing off tune. Your harmony is so off... Well. Then you're singing a different song. Didn’t even repeat the verse. You repeat verses in Jewish songs. Always repeat the verse... That's how you make sure the song rhymes... Of course "Acheinu Kol Beit Yisrael" are the lyrics. We have good lyrics written 2k years ago. We don’t change them, Chaim. It was in the Machzor Vitry. We sing that... We’re not singing Yanky’s new song. I don’t care that it was inspired. And we're not singing Taylor Swift. And now your swaying is off. We are going to plaster the words on the wall... So you remember them. Or at least look at them and don't mess them up... I know it's written in Hebrew. Learn Hebrew. Those lyrics protect us. If you all understood the idea of brotherhood... And sisterhood. I get it Rachel. You would sing together... Let’s sing now... The way you're singing now promotes brotherly hatred.... Sisterly hatred. Sorry... OK. You’re right. There are other songs for our people. We’ll also sing Kol HaOlam Koolo and Am Yisrael Chai... And Hatikva. It’s our national song. The fact you guys don't know it... Will we remain stalwart?! Are we plastering the cornerstone of our religion?! And now it’s offensive and bothersome to say we lost holy brothers in Israel this week?! Acheinu. Our brothers... And sisters. Exactly Rachel. America is not a safe space without Israel... H’ Yismor. Plaster that on our wall. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi got into the singing. He turned his sermon into a Kumzits singalong. Once he got into the songs, he started crying, because Bernie and Ruchel were so off tune. Nobody wants Mishloach Manot in our shul. I understand the rabbi. If the Bikurim baskets were anything like what I got for Purim, it would not be thanking H'. I can't imagine that people were bringing Gd poppy seed Hamentashen. Due to the rabbi's message of waterproofing Israel, our membership started a campaign to raise funds to purchase wood stain and sealant for Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. Jerusalem claimed the stone is already waterproofed. By design. As a board said, "That sounds biblical." Committees in our shul need something to discuss. At the last meeting, the renovations committee discussed the idea of if Torah is important to Judaism. It was a committee. It was a discussion they had to have. They had a meeting already planned. They had to discuss something. It would appear that Torah is not important to renovations in our shul. The rabbi made a beautiful point about antisemitism and Israel being our place to live. Nobody cared. They claimed the flights to Israel are too expensive, and the real Amalek is EL AL. The congregants were mad the rabbi could say such a thing about Charlie Kirk. One member screamed out, "How dare you say he was a decent human being?!!" It turns out our congregants hate Israel and Jews. They also hate morals. Some of the left-wing of our shul, at Kiddish, started laughing about Charlie Kirk's death. It turns out that they’re against guns, but pro-gun violence Now the liberals in our shul want to kill any child who talks. To quote our left-wing Kiddish table, "If they talk, one day they might debate. The decision is easy." The most moral thing one of our members has done is to give a big tip. "A big tipper." That's a Tzadik. "She gave eighteen percent. She has a place in Olam Haba." Yet, they steal pens at work. The rabbi ended up giving a whole mathematical explanation of tithing. From then on, Chaim only tipped ten percent. The left-wing table claimed Charlie Kirk never tipped well. A Rasha!!! The rabbi saw an opening when he mentioned the plaques for family members who passed, and he started going into an appeal. He's warmed up for the High Holidays. He's good. The rabbi started a statewide campaign to call it September 11th, so people would remember the date, before seeing the bottom right of their computer screen. Every year, we miss Nine-Eleven. We need a ceremony to commemorate it. We need another name for it. Not to get rid of Nine-Eleven. Just to change the name. Because they are not good at reading dates, some of our congregants commemorate it every day. Every time Bernie looks at his clock when he gets to shul, he mourns. The moment of silence was not a meaningful idea. The rabbi is always asking the congregants for a moment of silence. He just wanted the congregants to shut up. Many congregants were offended by the concept of fighting terrorism. To quote, "Terrorists have a right to be who they want to be. If that is how they identify, we have no right to stop them." They congregants have also been through a lot, dealing with violence in the shul. They had already dealt with Simchovitzs’ Hagba fiasco where he took Galigla from the kid. The anger expressed when the kid didn't wrap right. They're still talking about it. Some claim the look was a terrorist act, perpetrated by somebody who doesn't identify as a terrorist. Which the left-wing table said is wrong, as "that's misappropriation." It turns out that looks can be terrorism too. "A terrorist look." And that is more offensive than killing people. I think that is the congregation I belong to. Due to the suggestion, we are now singing all four songs after Davening, every time. Not just Acheinu. And the rabbi has also insisted on the NayNayNay parts, adding an extra five minutes to each song. As he says, "That is the one part all the congregants know." Such bad singers in our shul. The rabbi required music classes for all. The rabbi also brought in a dance instructor to teach us how to sway right. He said the classes were for all the victims of having to be members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. And to honor the victims of Nine-Eleven, whenever that is, by not ruining more Jewish songs. After all the talk of hardship, death and commemoration, everybody had a great time at Kiddish. The connecting numbers to month names seminar lasted three days. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XLIX9/9/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the hours at the bank in Israel, the Mangal BBQ waving mechanism at the shuk and the men’s side at the pizza shop, all while haggling for a slice of pizza with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on soda the community has enjoyed at an excellent price, from Price Rite, without haggling.
Women’s and Men’s sides. That’s why I never met anybody hanging out in Meah Shearim... By the way. That pizza place is not religious enough for me. There should be a Mechitzah there. I’m not going to lie... I like the fact that women can’t cut me in line there. I have a hard enough time trying to deal with guys cutting me off and taking my pizza.
Speaking of great Israeli inventions. The Mangal Nifnoofer. Used to wave at the fire. The idea is to keep the BBQ going by waving at it, in hopes the fire will continue by being nice to it... And then the greater invention. The Mivtzah. This is where you wave at the guy working in the Shuk in hopes that you will get a deal.
What you drink when you are part of a community. Fruit punch in carbonated form… Also see stuff that only tastes good in shul. Also see stuff that makes you even fatter than Coke. Also see stuff that you would never drink if Kiddish wasn’t free.
They haven’t changed the hours for years. For some reason, I still show up when they’re closed. Something about changing hours every day. Keeps me on my toes, and missing work. And I still kissed the Mezuzah… They have a picture of a dog leading the guy. The bank understands that there’s more of a chance that the dog will get the hours right.
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Since the beginning of the war, and the recent tragedies that befell our people, American Jews have made it a point to do stuff for Israel. Some have sent packages. Some have went shopping. Some have went out for dinner. Some have even vacationed in Panama, for Israel.
I feel it's time for me to do my part. And that is why I wrote this love sonnet of support for Israel. An imprecise sonnet in song. And now, THE SONG FOR ISRAEL: I dedicate this song for you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. I went to the mall for you. Picked up some shoes for you. They were UGGs. Cause I support you. Israel I support you. Then I got a Sundae at Friendly’s, because it was Sunday for Israel. Then I renovated my house for you, Israel. Put in air-conditioning for you. Because it was hot in Rochester. And it’s hot in Israel. I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Went on a walk for you. Went to the park for you. Had a picnic with a checkered blanket for you. Israel I support you. We ate pasta for you. It was a sunny day for you. Played pickup basketball for you, Israel. Called a foul for Israel when I got hit on the layup. Then I played pickleball for you. Israel. It’s like Matkot with a net and a different ball. I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Had a BBQ for you. With my family. In solidarity. For you. In New Jersey. For you. Israel I support you. We had a Bar Mitzvah in our shul for you. Packed up fruit for you in the grocery. We loaded up our fridge for you, Israel. I gave money to my shul for you. In Rochester. A huge Kiddish in honor of you. Then I went out and got drunk for you. I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Went for lunch. Dedicated my hamburger to you. The crunchy fries for you. A blooming onion for you. Israel I support you. Dunked it in mayonnaise. It was blooming. And the fries were crunchy. For you, Israel. The crunchy blooming country. Israel. Was going to do the army. But I bought a necklace for you. With a heart and a picture of my girlfriend in it. It was a locket necklace of a heart for you and my girlfriend. For you, Israel. I was going to get the dog tag for you. I got a dog instead. For you. I bought a Maltese for you. Israel. To protect you. I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. I was going to join Tzahal. I volunteered at the kennel for you. I wore a flag for you. Wore the blue and white, and red for you. Israel I support you. And I went on that trip for you. To Spain. Had a layover in Maine. There was rain. I was in a plane. For you, Israel. The rain is Spain stays mainly in the plain. For you. Israel. Cause I support you. And then I moved to New York for you. Bought a house in the Five Towns for you. Israel. Israel. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. I didn't make a donation for you. Israel. Because our love is deeper than that. Our love is deeper than money. Because I love you. I support you. Israel. ***Please note: "Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you." That is the chorus of the sonnet. If I understand sonnets correctly. I now feel like I've done my part in support of Israel. And every Israeli that eats blooming onions knows it. Tags:
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Announcements
We’re sorry that our announcements are going backwards a month to September. We thought August was October. And thus, they were written as October. Our secretary is from Florida. She’s used to hotter weather in the summer. She thought it was already winter. To not worry. The Shabbat handout will have October after September as well, when it's October. It turns out there is another October then too. We will not be celebrating Menachem’s Bar Mitzvah again. The Kiddish the first time was Shvach. The rabbi says everybody has to go to Israel. He does not want to see you in our shul. Israel needs volunteers. To quote our rabbi, "The shul does not need volunteers or congregants. Hopefully you don't ruin Israel to." The rabbi suggests everybody purchase new Kippahs, because the shul membership looks like a bunch of Apikorsim. You all look like heretics with the silver tinted satin Yarmulkes, doubling as safety reflector Kippahs. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Miss School and Holidays by Listening to Our Board and Reading Our Shul's Announcements. How Long to Spend Trying on Kippahs for Purchase- The Art of Not Wearing Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke as a Style. The Chiyuv of Moving to Israel and Away from Topeka- An Obligation to Not Be a Congregant in Our Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Help people... Yes. The Parsha says to be useful. There's a Mitzvah to help. The Parsha does not say to be a congregant of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah... Forget about a horse. You didn't pick up Bernie's phone. He dropped his phone and you left it. You said, "There goes my back. I don't have to keep Mitzvahs"... (Devarim 23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Have you seen the kids at Camp Rachok MeiHorim? Little devils. There's not even a war... We learn that this is for those going out to war. Rashi teaches, “Because the Satan goes offensive at times of war.” You think you're fighting the Canaanites and the Amalekites. Next thing you know, you're fighting Satan. You have Ruchel coming at you from one side. And the shul renovation committee coming at you... I've always been against Color War. Color War also brings out the worst in people. They go to battle, they start singing "Bang Bang Clap B-Bang B-Bang Clap Clap" and it turns ugly real quick. Evil overtakes. Next thing you know, they’re never wearing blue T-shirts again... The blue team was the Amalekites. That's what my kid at Camp Rachok MeiHorim said... It’s easy for those in battle to sin. As the Ramban talks about the stress. Color War is a curse. And then that capture the flag thing. Like taking captives and sinning... It's all stressful. Losing at the wheelbarrow and egg on a spoon race is very stressful. It's our homes. Our neighborhoods. When people are out, we have to keep our camps holy. Those left in the camp have to keep it going. That’s the task of the non-warriors. The shopkeepers. Not to try to steal when war brings their business down. To keep the business going when nobody is buying anything. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are excellent at being unsuccessful... Morality can get lost when you’re dealing with chaos. When people are far from home. This is why I tell you to not go on summer vacations... You go on vacation. Nobody is taking care of the shul. And then you can't afford dues. Have we kept our camp holy?! In this time of war, have we guarded from evil?! It’s easy to lose a sense of morality when something so serious as war is going on, and when you have a membership like ours. The Mitzvot of acting right. Helping others with their animals. Not acting perverse like Shmuli who tells the dirtiest jokes... Not in Shul, Shmuli. The one about the priest and the imam has got to stop. We're in shul. Do you know how easy it is to tell dirty jokes in times of war... And so many things went wrong due to you all losing sight. We can’t let Satan have us lose sight as to what’s important. Even in times of war. And that is a decent Kiddish. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was awful. Kichel?! Gefilte fish balls?! It's a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish. At least have loaf fish... When you go on your vacations are you wearing Kippahs... Yes. You should wear Kippahs in war too. How war and vacation are the same thing is baffling. To this American congregation, going to war is making sure you don't get cut off on line at Disney World. Battling to keep your spot at the Snoopy Roller Ride... In war, you camouflage. You don't wear Menachem's Bar Mitzvah silver foil reflector Yarmulke... Trying on Kippahs from the Bar Mitzvah Kippah box is messed up. HaKipah is a brand. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah- October 18th 2025, is not a brand. And it was August 18th 2025... You look like idiots. Like Satan got into your Kippah. Guard against looking like an idiot. Satan is in your Satin... The board went the whole month calling August October in the newsletter, and nobody said a thing. Is that Satan?... I understand it's the board. Same thing... Nobody reads the Shabbat announcement. Nobody said anything about the fact we missed Rosh Hashana in August?!... Nobody reads it Ruchel. I don't know how you can call it announcements if nobody reads it?... Announcements to nobody. "We are announcing the Shiva to nobody." That's why nobody shows up. Because they don't read it. Maybe if you made announcements like normal people, with the correct month, people would show up at the right time... I don't know what we're going to do with all of Mencahem's friends and cousins who are planning to come in October... Wherever we are. Whatever we do. Even if we're showing up in the wrong season, because of the board. We have to be strong in our convictions of following the Mitzvot. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was evil. It had people fighting to try to find decent food. It was a Satan filled Kishka... Nothing is the same as being in Israel. Keeping the Israel camp in Israel... Camp Rachok MeiHorim has a Hebrew name. But it is not in Israel... It's not keeping the camp of Israel holy... No. It's not a summer camp. It doesn't cost 12k. It's our people-hood. Where we're supposed to live... You talk about it. You send stuff. If you’re not there, you’re not on the front lines. You're immoral. You're not keeping the camp from evil... You can go to Israel now. You can leave our congregation. There is no COVID... OK. So there are missiles. Satan keeps you from helping your people with missiles. You are letting the war keep you from what is right. (23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Which is why I'm trying to get you all out of here... Don't let war take away your moral compass. That is Israel. Israel is our camp. And it's cheaper than Camp Rachok MeiHorim. There's a war going on. Go to Israel. Volunteer. Help... I am not telling Nachum to go. The guy hasn't helped with anything. He will just bring dumb ideas with him. He will hurt Israel. He'll probably start a committee... The Mitzvah is to help fight evil. To help your people remain strong. The Mitzvah isn't to go to Israel to complain about your back... You have to purchase the Kippah correctly. You don’t just take one. You fit it. See how it hits the back of the head. You take two mirrors... You guys just slap the thing on your head. It looks pathetic. And you don't even pass on morals to your children. I saw you drop a Kippah and you didn’t pick it up. Your child didn’t help. There won't be morality and Mitzvahs in time of war, if your camp is already not Mitzvahdik... Your home is the camp here. You have to guard something from evil... It's not your new wall to wall flat screen. It's Mitzvot... I understand the Kippah was ugly. I know. I saw it. Guarding your reflector satin thing perched on your skull is maybe not something important to you. Make sure you have something to guard, other than a decent TV. You don't even have Max... Give them values to guard. Your child didn't help pick up the Kippah because they have no values. That’s what they teach these kids at Color War... Acting with purity, even in times of war. (Devarim 23:15) “For H’ your Gd walks in the midst of your camp, to rescue you and to deliver your enemies before you. And your camp will be Kasdosh. And He will not see a shameful thing in you and turn away from behind you.” When H' walks in the midst camp. You have to guard that. Why this shul has so much security now makes no sense... What are we guarding? The new quilt you put up on the wall?! It's not holy... It's not even a community quilt. Brenda donated it because she had to get rid of it. She put it in the laundry and brought it. For some reason, the renovation team decided to hang it up... Not all quilts bring community together. She didn't even bring the duvet... I know. You would've hung it up if she gave it. The quilt is shameful. It’s about holiness. Even in war. Keeping the Mitzvot in the hard times. Not messing up August for everybody. Having them worried about snow days at the end of summer... Something to guard. We have to create something to guard. Something worthwhile to keep Satan from it... Is it in the camp that we must guard, or those who are out to war?! I propose it is both. We must guard against board members everywhere... Our holy people of Israel have acted properly in this war. Keeping Mitzvahs. Tefillin... Don’t know if you're supposed to lay Tefilling while being shot at. They wore their Kippahs correctly in Gaza. Not shiny Yarmulkes. Also, in the communities. They wore their Kippahs proudly. Everywhere except for Topeka. Their kindness was guarded. Quilts were donated. Not by our community... Why we put one up on a wall, when kids can be sleeping with it. And in our camp of Israel, everywhere, we kept it good. We still saw H'. A holy people... When we are weakest, the Satan is there for us. Be it temptation. Be it war. Be it Nachum’s back... We must keep morals no matter what. For Gd. Even at the worst of times. Even in battle. Even at Menachem's Bar Mitzvah... We have to keep whatever camp we are in holy. To guard against our evil at home. And that is the board. We have to do something about the board. Maybe get them to move to Israel... We have weak kids. Not one of them made the high school football team. Evil is in that camp. There's too much arts and crafts going on at Camp Rachok MeiHorim... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi blamed the problems in our congregation on people too focused on vacation. Our congregants can care less about war. They forget about Gd when they're on vacation. To quote Nachum, "It's a battle every time we go to Orlando. It's so crowded." Our Jewish people have been an Ohr LGoyim in this war. A light amongst the nations. And Israel has gotten blamed for it too. Israel has fought off Satan. As the rabbi said, "Some of our members visited Israel, and Israel still survived." Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was not an Ohr LGoyim. If nonJews start serving post service refreshments like that, people will leave their religions. I agree with the rabbi. The things that go wrong in Israel are because our membership makes dumb decisions. I believe he called the members of our shul Congregites. Here are things that go wrong: Kippahs. Messed up Yarmulkes that shine. I can't Daven in shul with the glare coming off the Kippahs, hitting my Siddur. The wall hangings. They should be meaningful. Not somebody's bedding. I thought community quilts were made with meaning. Not slept in. Kiddish without loaf fish and schmaltz herring. They served the salty water herring. Taste buds have changed over the past hundred years. Our board. Committees. People showing up to shul. Everything goes wrong. And we wouldn't even know when it went wrong because I think we're in November now. Our congregants are just not helpful. They sin even without war. Our kids won't help if somebody falls. I believe Nachum said, "If somebody lost the shirt off their back, I wouldn't bend." It might have been, "If somebody needed a shirt. I would give them a decent place to buy one." Maybe blaming our members is a myopic view of the world. But at least it gives the rabbi and me somebody to blame. Somebody has to be blamed for the messed up Kiddishes we've had lately. I can’t believe I missed that they were calling August "October." I just thought we were having a very hot October this year. The leftists in our shul used the October mistake to prove their argument of global warming. The rabbi argued, “You can’t argue global warming is happening because our board is a bunch of fools. Brenda's community quilt for Shalom was worn out. It was an old blanket with fraying corners. The rabbi got many congregants to go to Israel. They all felt good being in the Holy Land after five years of not visiting. COVID, the war, and Yankel the tailor who wouldn't stop talking about how the price of flights to Israel right now, kept our members from visiting for a while. When the rabbi suggested our volunteering in Israel to our members, he was hoping they would volunteer to move there. The members were mad the rabbi said there was no COVID. That was more controversial than rockets hitting Israel. They wanted more COVID. One congregant yelled, "THEN WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE MASKS, RABBI?!!!" The guys in our shul truly look like heretics, walking around with reflector Yarmulkes. What Menachem's Bar Mitzvah with the free Yarmulkes did to them. They're messed up Kippahs. Due to the need for non-reflector Kippahs, so people don't get blinded when Davening, the shul purchased new Kippah box Kippahs. There is now a Kippah policy. We used to make everybody wear jackets for Davening. Now, they need to wear normal Kippah. As the rabbi taught, if you're Pinny, you might want to spend more time trying on Yarmulkes "because you look like a fool." I think the real message of the sermon was "Satan is in your Satin." Tags:
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In last month's lesson we discussed the historical development of the obligation to eat fifteen hours every Shabbat. But how did the rabbis ensure we would not take off weight once Sunday came around.
To note, this an appendix to last month's historical work. This is not a piece about your abdomen. I'm not privy to the history of your intestines. Modern Problems of the Summer and Diet The people do things and the rabbis have to create what's known as a Geder. A fence around the Jewish law to ensure the Jewish people remain steadfast in Torah and heavy. People may put on weight on Shabbat. Even so, Shabbat has its limitations as it's only one day a week. It happened one summer where Jews were going to the Catskills. Women started what is known as walking groups. With these groups, they did what is known as walks. This is the problem with women not learning Halacha. The Rav of Woodbourne proclaimed, "I agree. Our congregants have taken off weight this summer and they are thus not religious. If the women only learned Jewish law, they would not be this slim." Rav Nasan Himelwitz agreed. "The more time spent learning Torah, the less walking they will do." And this is how Modern Orthodoxy started. And then Malkie came up with this idea of what is known as a diet plan. It was clear Malkie did not get this from Torah. Nowhere in the Bible does Gd mention a diet plan. To this day, rabbis question if Yom Kippur was a mistake. Jews were taking off weight. Shabbat couldn't compete with this heretical idea of a diet. Arguments were had about this new concept known as health. People were questioning if thin people were even Jewish. "I don’t think Malkie’s keeping Shabbis," was heard back in the Shtetl. The lack of food was concerning. Pogroms were at a stand still. To quote Vlad, "What happened to all of the food?! What happened to the Jews?! There's nothing to pillage here." The rabbis declared, "If one does not have diabetes and back pain, we must check their Jewish roots." And so they checked. It turned out Malkie was Jewish. Unbeknownst to our sages, even people with Jewish ancestry could slim down if they didn't eat. It was all disheartening. The Response to Diets Something had to be done to bring Jews back to their divinely ordained weight. The rabbis realized that people walking during the week was inevitable. So, they focused more on Shabbat. The rabbis declared all shuls have what is known as Kiddish. This is also known as a Shabbat Kiddish luncheon in non-religious communities, as they eat less and are not as good of Jews. The Kiddish luncheon is where you eat lunch before lunch. Not being in the location of lunch, this added an extra hour of Shabbis eating. Done in standing formation for many years, in mid2004 many rabbis instituted the sit down Kiddish to slow down the metabolism. I'm sorry if the chronology is off a little. Give or take eight hundred years. It's somewhere within that time-frame that this all happened. This was all confusing, as Kiddish is the blessing on wine. Why the rabbis couldn't come up with a different name for Kiddish, other than Kiddish, is still a discussion amongst our sages. Nonetheless, the rabbis found a way to get more hours of eating out of Shabbat. They did what they could to fight this summer diet plan and walking. But it was still not enough. Simchas and Siyums The weeks still came and the rabbis had no idea what to do. “What can we do once Shabbis is over? How do our people eat during the week?” That was how the question was asked. The question wasn't phrased, "What's the deal with food?" So, they made it a Mitzvah to eat at every happy occasion. Simchas was thus developed. Hy shouted, "It's a Simcha. So, we'll call it a Simcha." And that's how Simchas got their name. One rabbi fought happiness with a prayer known as Tachnun. And then the rabbis made the Tachnun prayer of supplication real long. This mournful focus, and painful length of the prayer had people depressed and not eating. To quote Shlomo, "Why when Davening is longer, do we have a longer Tachnun? It makes no sense." In response to the pain, the rabbis declared, "When there is a Simcha, one must not say Tachnun." Following this decree, Jews found a way to celebrate everything. A Bris, a wedding, a kid putting on Tefillin for the first time, the youngest in the family playing Abba Shel Shabbat at Hebrew school. They even celebrated learning. Anybody finishing learning something, they called it a Siyum, which required one to eat cake. The rabbis were not going to let Tachnun and the keto diet corrupt their people. A Siyum party used to require one learn a Tractate of Gemara. But we needed more celebrations. So, the standard for Siyum was toned down. They said, learning a book of Mishna is enough. One guy learned about The Battle of Gettysburg. He called it a Simcha. They pulled out schnapps and Kichel, and had a Siyum. Celebrated it. Not one rabbi batted an eye. The Siyum was an old tradition that the rabbis made a point of bringing back to the community by making learning more accessible with English translations. Artscroll was behind this. Back in Spain, in 1459, it got to the point where learning a chapter of Chumash was enough for a Siyum. The rabbis already knew back then, that only through Siyums could Jews get fatter while learning. They had Siyums every morning. How the cake requirement became a thing is of much historical debate. Yet, all rabbis agree that the one who came up with that has a "place in heaven next to the Heavenly throne." Fast Days and Mourning Periods People thought to lose weight during the days leading up to Tisha BAv, by keeping Jews away from meat. But the people found a way around this with festive meals of mourning. Jews even started learning a lot of Torah, just so they could have a Siyum and eat meat. As it is written, "There is no greater joy to the Jewish people than a festive meal dedicated to the destruction of the Temple and not saying Tachnun." One could never outdo the joy of not saying Tachnun. And then the rabbis declared, "One must enjoy Yahrzeits too." So, every shul required its members to bring schnapps and sponge cake to celebrate death. Even with the celebratory meals of suffering, fast days were an issue for a few years until our leaders came up with the idea of a break-fast. Where you have to break the fast by eating. Then, the most celebrated rabbi, known as Rebbe, created what we know as The Seudah Mafseket, the meal of stopping, where you gorge before the fast. Using the Hebrew terminology "Seudah" made it a Halachik requirement. As Rebbe said it in Hebrew, no one could argue. It was in Hebrew, and thus held Halachik weight. Hence, canonized. Now, we eat a lot before and after a fast, to put on weight. Our rabbis of great knowledge and Ruach HaKodesh, divine spirit, found a way to ensure we get fat during fasts. People Kept Taking Off Weight The rabbis saw people were still taking off weight. It might have been the summer heat. It might have been the loss of Raisel Chana's choolante recipe. Generations will never know. The rabbis started telling people about this thing they have, known as a Neshama Yeteira. An extra Shabbat soul. A crafty move, they told people that the extra food on Shabbat goes to their extra soul. The people caught onto this when they realized that souls don't burn calories. Nonetheless, you can't argue with your rabbis, so everybody got fatter. And the Neshama Yeteira now stays all week. For some reason, the Neshama Yeteira also puts on weight at Simchas and Siyums. I noticed my Neshama Yeteira getting fatter over Tisha BAv. And when you're not eating on Shabbat, you must do an Oneg and delight in Shabbat by eating more on Shabbat. Which in Meah Shearim, translates as popcorn. And this ensures your Neshama Yeteira will at least add a pound a week. And the extra Shabbat soul has a very slow metabolism. Historical Lesson For All Jews How Yom Kippur made it into the Torah is still a Halachik anomaly. How the Siyum is a Simcha, we still don't know. But it allows us to eat more during the Nine Days. And that's what matters. With more and more people moving to Israel, the rabbis have done all they can to fight the Middle Eastern Diet. Just seeing the word diet has caused an uproar. And it was this Middle Eastern Diet that is the foundation of the Charedi community, and the refusal of the ultra-orthodox to join Tzahal. And now, with all the necessary walking one needs to get around Jerusalem, our rabbis are trying to find ways to add whatever they can to pita. Thus, packing on more calories. They developed the falafel, forcing people to put their salad in bread. As Yankel said, "It's a start." Recently, they've developed the concept of Chipsim, where fries are made soggy enough to squish into the salad that's in the pita. And Yankel received his Olam Haba, world to come, in one moment. And the number one way to keep one at the religiously ordained weight is still learning Torah and Halacha. To this day, when people learn Torah, it's always in a sitting position. No tradition has started to learn Torah on the bench press. Recently, the rabbis came out against "fat shaming" to help encourage proper Middot and that our people eat more. And then the rabbis declared Kosher food most have a lot of salt. Tags:
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We suggest to take a picture, to help you remember the hours. It's hard. Though, they may change by the time you show up. It appears Bank Discount suggests you use a seeing eye dog to get you to the bank at a time they're open.
I've spent years trying to memorize the Israeli banking hours. Nothing has worked. Hence, I wrote this song to help you remember when your bank might be open. I cannot promise that they have not changed the hours since the song was written. At least it would've helped last Wednesday. These hours were still in effect last week. In the middle of the week.
Here is the song. Bank Discount Hours Song (to "Happy Days"- a catchy fun song, so you can still smile when you show up on time to the bank and they're closed- I kept the name of the song simple, as I don't want to give you something else to memorize- focusing on the hours and which bank they belong to is a hard enough task) Sunday Monday Wednesday 8:30 to 1 Tuesday Thursday 8:30 to 2 Monday Wednesday Opens again at 4pm Friday they close early too When it’s a holiday I have no idea what to do These hours change every day. Change every day. Bah Ding Dong Why the siesta on Monday and Wednesday. Bah Ding Dong Why don’t they return from their Siesta on Tuesday. Or Thursday?! (Remix) The hours. What are they?! (outro addition) The Doar hours, I have no idea. They changed those again. The other day. Please Note: Those are 8:30am to 1pm. 8am to 2pm. Opens again at 4pm. I don't believe it's 4am. But then again, they give military hours, and I can't account for what those mean. I cannot account for siesta hours. They might return at 1am. I cannot promise. To help, I also took the liberty to add a few beats to the verses. For those who don't know, the Doar is the post office. I tried including the Doar in this song, but the Doar hours are different from the bank hours, as the postal workers have different siestas than the bank tellers. And some siestas last a day. Sometimes a week. I can't account for that in one song. And I cannot take responsibility for you receiving the new lyrics weekly. I believe the lyrics "Bah Ding Dong" express the message of the song. Tags:
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The shul had a juicing event. Bernie said, “I didn’t come to shul for a choir.” You get it? Juicing sounds like “Jews sing.” Juicing is how you make smoothies. They were making smoothies. They were also singing. Jewsing. 
Grave of Chana and her sons. I love visiting graves of Tzadikim in Israel... The greatest miracle that I believe my tour guide discovered is that every person who was buried a long time ago was famous. The dentists didn’t get buried, unless if they were a dentist who wrote the Mishna.
We saw an unmarked grave. Our tour guide was on it and made sure to figure out what Tana it was. 
International stand-up comedian, David Kilimnick, brings The Humor Hour of laughs to the resident seniors at your facility…
Also book David (Israel's "father of Agnlo comedy") for your shul Stand-up night and community Comedy Kumzits Singalong Show- To Book David to bring the joy and laughs contact [email protected]
(Rambam: Teshuva 7:2) For Teshuva, always view yourself as if you’re about to die. It also forces you to think more when going down a flight of stairs.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
9/28/2025
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