Announcements
We commend our clapper. We want more people in the shul taking after Ruchel Tova and expressing themselves. Even if it is not to a beat and it throws off the congregation. We support the Carlebach inspired clapping, even if nobody in our shul is singing. The board has decided it’s too dangerous for our older members to dance. So, we shall not have a Carlebach Minyin. It might cause them happiness and that will lead to a heart attack. Our membership is not used to smiling. Support Israel. Visit. The rabbi has proclaimed that walking for Israel does not have the same effect as walking in Israel. Though, there is a nice breeze in Topeka. Kids are back at school. And they are back at shul. H’ Yishmor. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Support Israel by Never Visiting- Israel Thriving Without the Members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Carlbeach Minyin and How to Get in Shape for the Necessary Jump Dance and Walk Around the Bima. How to Walk in Jerusalem to Get in Shape and to Not Have to See You in Our Shul. Additional Prayers for Dealing with Your Kids. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Leviim do get something from the sacrifices... Because they have to deal with you. They deserve something with you and your questions. “Why do you slaughter with your left hand? Why not use a steak knife?” They should get more sanctified animals for having to deal with you... Why are you so against religious leaders not starving?!… I can use more money. (Devarim 18:13) “Be Tamim with Gd your Gd...” Well. Gd is your Gd... “H’ is your Gd.” Is that better?... Well H’ is Gd, so He is your Gd. That’s Gd. Gd. Do we understand Gd now, with all your questions about Gd’s phrasing... Tamim means pure... Not Tahor pure. But complete, sincere. Like a wholehearted pure individual that you can trust. Not like Cindy. Very fake. Not like Baruch either. We have very insincere congregants… If you paid your dues and didn’t talk about how you're going to pay your dues, maybe there would be sincerity. I’m just going to talk in Hebrew from now on, so I don’t have to explain anything... Exactly. Because you won’t understand it... Rashi teaches this means to go with Gd in Temimut... It’s better you don’t understand, as that is simple purity. That’s how you should go with Gd. Not understanding a thing. Like when you’re Davening in shul. “Rather than investigating the future. Instead, whatever happens to you, accept with Temimut, and then you will be with Him and be His portion.” You worrying about the renovations does not make Gd like you. The point is to not ask questions. “Where do we put the ark?”… Well, thanks to that question, the Aron is on the west side of the shul. So, we have to turn sideways like idiots to bow east… Because you ask questions instead of just doing the right thing. Be Tamim with Gd. The shul has no portion right now because the board made a dumb decision. And then they investigated it. And even after meeting with the architect they did it. And now we're broke... Broke because idiots investigated. Had meetings. And why did you decide to do it wrong?!!! What part of the research told you, "The wrong way is the best way?!" What good has ever come from you thinking about something? What good has ever come from your “creative approach” to synagogue living?… You can’t be in a relationship if you’re constantly investigating. You saw what happened with the Himelstein family. It killed that marriage… If there was no investigating, nobody would’ve known he was cheating. Investigations kill relationships. You need trust. You need to trust in H’… Yes. That’s Gd. Your Gd. I can’t explain this anymore. I can't explain death. Asking me about death when you don't even purchase plaques... You discuss buying plaques with your family. It doesn't happen. Because it's not Tamim... I’m done. And I don’t trust you… I don’t trust the board. Which is why I didn’t marry any of our membership. Don’t cheat on Gd. Point is your questions kill Judaism for me... Just Daven. Stop asking me why we pray. Just do it. Stop asking me what the prayers mean. The more you know the meaning of the Tefillahs, the longer Davening takes. And nobody wants to be with Gd, waiting for you to finish the Amidah... Be simple. Be pure with Gd. Thinking about the future??? The Siddur Emergency Fund for Siddurs that go bad. What's bad is the way you guy's Daven with no excitement. No simple enjoyment of praying to Gd. No clapping. Just clap and be with Gd… We need to have more tuna and peas and carrots cans. That’s what Gd wants if there’s an emergency. The point is you think too much. When our membership thinks too much, bad things happen, like committees… You worry about everything. How about you just do good and worry about Levites eating a decent sacrifice... Just be simple. A simple man... Lynyrd Skynyrd’s mom knew what she was talking about. Be present in your service of Gd. Present and offbeat... Why is Ruche clapping now? It’s the sermon. I am speaking. What tune are you clapping to?... Extremely offbeat. Beautiful in your Tamim expression of love, but offbeat. At least Ruchel Tova is excited... Ruchel is simple. She's in the moment. She hears a song, and she claps. I commend your excitement, Ruchel... So offbeat. Now isn't the time to clap. This is not being in the moment. This is after the moment for us. In her mind she's in the moment. She is serving H’ Tamim... Let's try to be Tamim at the right time, Ruchel... Because it’s off. The energy is off. Carlebach didn't have people clapping during his sermons and jumping up and down to a NayNayNay when he was talking. And I understand the harmony in our shul is off as well… They’re only three seconds off the melody. You’re fifteen minutes off… There’s a point where self-expression throws off the Chazin. He jumped to Anim Zemiort... That’s where he thought your clapping was. It was that offbeat. We are not a Carlebach service. Have you ever seen anybody in this shul smile?! Do not try to get us to dance. We shall not dance... We are not in Carlbeach Minyin shape. You have to be in jump dance condition. Our congregants have heart conditions. Ruchel Tova is living with H’. Not like Bayla and Nachum, sitting in the back of the shul working security… Most messed up security team. What committee meeting led to ninety-year-olds being the ones to chase away terrorists?! Ruchel is definitely not thinking. And that is why you’re our best congregant... The rest of you judging. Not with H’. Not going Tamim with Gd. Making dumb renovation decisions. Dumb security decisions. Dumb education decisions… When you make decisions, they’re dumb… You trying to understand. Stop. Do. Be in the moment Everything you do is in support of Israel. It helps just as much as your harmonizing to “Etz Chayim Hi”… Your shopping at the Topeka Center Mall doesn’t help Israel. Stop lying. You went out to dinner last night for yourself. Eating a hamburger “in support of Israel” somehow doesn’t help the food shortage in Haifa. You didn’t even say Birkat Hamazon… How do you support Israel? You visit... Not Florida. I know Israelis live there. All you do is think. You over-think. You thinking is over-thinking. Because you have dumb thoughts… I’m saying you program too much. Just do a trip. Stop planning it. Go to Israel. Stam. It’s an easy decision. Just be there… The last shul trip that went. That was twelve years ago. Would have been a great trip if you didn’t ruin every day with programs. If you just let people do what they wanted… They wanted to not show up to programs. They wanted to walk around, shop, support Israel… Exactly. We haven’t had a trop since then, because you all organized trips every year. If you just didn’t organize the trips, if you didn’t prepare for Israel, we would’ve went… Your money support isn’t enough. I’ve seen your donations. This is why we’re worried about not being able to afford Siddurs... Kids are back. We’re going to say Tehillim so that we can deal with them… Your creative approach to childhood education is how we end up with your children. And Sarah Malka gouging out eyes in the middle of Ashrei… I understand the chant bothers her… It’s a chant. A chant tune. If you want it to be a tune, that’s fine. But it’s a chant... We could have a funkier Ashrei tune. A funkier chant, if that exists. But then Ruchel Tova would be clapping even more. How she claps for the Ashrei chant now… Be Tamim and your kids will end up normal. They end up loving Gd… I get it. In our shul loving Gd is not normal. The point, deal in the now. Show respect for people in the now. Support Israel now… Fly there. Support by being there. Donate yourself not talking. That would help our people. Bernie not talking… Thinking about it?! Investigating it?! You're not with Israel. You’re not doing. Just be Tamim with it. If you think about Israel and the EL AL price gouging, you won’t go… Sarah Malka at least does stuff. She’s committed to her eye gouging. Somebody thought about it, privatized, and realized you can make good money off antisemitic airlines… I don’t know who hates Gd more. All the airlines not flying into Israel, or quadrupling the cost for me to visit my sister. They all thought about it… Cindy and Baruch are always trying to get something. Not Tamim. They don’t even look at you. They’re thinking what they’re going to get out of the conversation. That’s not a holy relationship. A holy relationship is where you clap for no reason. Ruchel is still clapping… (Devarim 18:9) “Don’t learn the abominations of the other nations to act like them.” Because that’s not being Tamim with H’. You don’t learn. What Torah have you learned… If you showed up to one of my classes, Mark. If you were Tamim… Going to the Baha'i revival class… That’s not supporting Israel. You don’t pass your kids through fire to support Israel... You really have to stop saying you support Israel. Your going for a Shpatzir in Topeka is not supporting our Home Land. You cheat on Gd by not being in the moment with H’. By not supplying the Levites with food. By learning about the forms of idol worship and splatter painting. You cheat on Gd when you listen to the dumb ideas our board brings up. When you have meetings, you end up with the youth that is screaming in the halls right now, missing an eye. When you show up to committee meetings and talk about renovations, you're not with Gd… Because at Gd’s committee meeting, He didn’t say to put the Aron in the wrong place… And it’s because of your dumb questions. It’s because you talk. If you didn’t talk, I would be able to serve H’ Tamim… You’re the only people who I think it’s maybe better you don’t visit. Israel. Just this shul. Now that I thought about it and investigated our congregants, it’s more supportive of Israel for you not to be there… Rivka's Rundown At least the rabbi was clear. Don’t be like Cindy or Baruch. They thought about it, investigated the best option, and decided to put the Aron in the wrong spot. The congregants thought about the rabbi’s sermon, and they forgot what he said. Don’t cheat on Gd was such a profound statement. This sermon broke up the Himelstein family. His wife had no idea, until the rabbi told everybody. But it was a beautiful lesson. Himelstein tried keeping his marriage intact by telling his wife he never cheated on Gd. Ruchel being in the moment is Ruchel being in the moment later. She’s more offbeat than the harmony coming out of the men’s section. She clapped mid-sermon. Might’ve been her Hodu prayer song clap. Might have been a song that was going through here head yesterday. The inspiration just finally hit her. Middle of the rabbi’s speech. She’s very inspired. She went to a Carlebach Minyin once. Been clapping ever since. At work, they’ve kicked her out of the cubicles. Her co-staff at the call center said the customers were wondering what the applause was for. Her boss said she was clapping to Ashrei. Now Ruchel wants people to dance. The rabbi told the ninety year old security in the back of the shul to kick her out if she dances in the middle of his sermon. The rabbi is just mad he has to spend so much on flights now. That’s what inspired his anger today. He hates that new owner of EL AL. The rabbi went off on the Israel programs in the community doing nothing for Israel. To quote, “Eating falafel balls from Costco has not helped the Sderot community. It did not boost the economy in northern Israel. And somehow, it didn’t stop missiles from the Houthis.” The rabbi’s point was that being in Israel is how you help Israel. “Saying, ‘This is in support of Israel’ does not support Israel. Even if the hamburger at Deli Kasba Kosher Grill was amazing.” The rabbi is very against Rachmanis. Israel doesn’t need sympathy. It needs our community suiting up and going to war. And it doesn’t seem like Ethel and Bernie are going to do that. The membership hasn’t gone to Israel in years. But somehow, they support it. They “think” about it when they’re at TJ Max. To quote Nachum, “My thinking of Israel is Israel advocacy for my mind. It’s Hasbara.” I’m happy the rabbi is calling out this fake support of Israel. The local Israel fundraiser day pulled in three million dollars less due to the rabbi’s speech. Some members even flew to Israel to show support. But they didn’t go out to eat or spend any money. The EL AL flight was too expensive. They flew to Israel and had no money to support it. We’re still trying to figure out what we should do as a community. The rabbi’s class sold us on not going to Israel to show support for Israel, because we make really dumb decisions with shul renovations. They actually said Tehillim to help the community deal with the kids back at home. Stopped saying Tehillim for Israel. But they said the Psalms for camps to last through the school year, so we don’t have to see the kids. Mark made a Mishebeyrach for his kids to get out of the house. “And they should all have a long life away from me.” Tags:
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Back To School Shopping Explained8/28/2025 
The new school year is here and the Jewish day school gave you a checklist of stuff to buy. Which has you questioning why you're paying tuition. And why tuition is eighteen thousand dollars.
They gave you a list, but they didn’t explain it. They didn’t explain why your five-year-old needs Post-its. And still, no matter how well they learned to read in preschool, they don't do chores. I’ve done my research of the Jewish day schools suggested back to school shopping lists and cannot explain how your $18,000 tuition doesn’t cover pencils. Nonetheless, I hope this helps you make sense of why you have to buy more crayons. The list is long. Hence this year, we shall focus on writing instruments and supportive tools. Something to Write On That's a good idea. I remember showing up to school one year and there was nothing. I had pens, pencils, erasers. Nothing to write on. Why they told us we needed erasers, when we had nowhere to write. Another anomaly. Something to write on means paper, if you want your kid to be judged for hating trees. If your child is in a religious school, you're better off sending them with parchment. It's better for Torah classes, and nobody is protesting parchment. Not as many people care about animals. It turns out, this doesn't include desks. Something that I was not aware of. I asked and the school said desks are not a writing material. I don't have more information on that. I hung up the phone before they could get me for the tables I ruined in elementary school. Computer Many schools are going green, showing care for the environment. This is why it’s important to purchase a laptop. Paper lasts but a day. Laptops can go for a whole year, until they’re useless. At that point you compost it. Pencils Voted the number one thing your kid needs, and you need to purchase. The day school did not mention a pencil sharpener. If they had that, the kids could use their pencils from last year. The day school also didn’t mention erasers. At that point, you might as well use a pen. Extra Pencils for Your Child People don’t borrow pencils, they steal them. They never return them. That is why all standardized tests are administered with number two pencils. Because the first one was stolen. Do they teach the kids about pen Geneyva? No. Pen thievery is alive and well. Halacha class is focused on the dimensions of a Sukkah and how to measure with your arm. And do the children remember this stuff? No. Because they had nothing to write down the lesson with. Who forgets writing instruments to school?! Some parents don’t even buy their children pens. I know that Ben’s mom never bought him pens, because Ben never had a pen. Ben would ask me for a pen. Truth is, Ben always stole my pen. Thus you need extra pencils, and a safe. The school did not mention the safe. Nonetheless, I suggest to get your child a safe, so Ben can't steal another pen. Ben needs a pen. Glue Sticks, Glue, Rulers, Scissors, Paper, Siddur The school provides absolutely nothing. Gym class doesn’t provide balls. The office needs the kids to bring printers so the teachers can make copies. Art class doesn’t provide paint anymore. You’ve got to bring your own paint brushes and paper mâché. The $18,000 doesn't cover schooling anymore. It definitely doesn't cover prayer books for the Shacharit morning service. I'm still at a loss trying to figure out what $18,000 provides. You may have to provide a teacher as well. Be sure to check your back to school checklist to make sure education isn't something you have to provide. Printers The grocery store is selling printers as back to school gear, if your child has enough room in their knapsack to schlepp that to school every day. This is not on the school list. Though supermarkets are selling anything they can. You can pick this up next to the condiment section. Which is helpful, as some of Frank's spicy sauces work as decent ink cartridges. Unlike pens, other kids don’t ask to borrow printers. Hence, there's less of a chance of the other kids stealing Hewlett Packard. Even so, most kids do forget to bring their printers to school. Crayola Crayons- 3 Packs, Crayola Colored Pencils, Crayola Fine Point Washable Markers & 2 Packs of Crayola Broad Tip Washable Markers, Crayola Water Colors This is what the local Jewish day school suggested. I have a feeling Crayola is giving them kickbacks. E. Steiger, Roseart and Cra-z-Art crayons won’t work. They must be Crayola. Maybe they don’t want your kids being judged by the kindergarten crayon snobs who only eat Crayola. I'm still convinced the school is getting kickbacks. Post-its Schools have stopped giving kids assignments. They now give them errands to run. Jewish history class had my nephew running a paper about Menachem Began and the Lechi. This also makes it easier to write nasty stuff to stick on somebody’s back. The process of having to find the tape and glue, takes too long. And then you have to ask them to stand still, so you can attach it to their back properly. Why there's any adhesive other than Post-its, makes no sense. Save money on Back to School Shopping The school didn’t suggest this. That would be a chutzpa after charging you $18,000 tuition and not providing desks to write on. Go shopping in October, when stuff goes on sale, after the Back to School Sale. That is when the back to school sales are in effect. Your child can carry the books and printer the first month and a half of school. You can also go to the airport. They will be able to provide you with a plethora of scissors, staplers and pencils. They have mine. Better yet, to save money... Instead of picking up the back-to-school pencils, paint and scissors, don’t throw out the school supplies from last year. Next year we will focus on school accessories, such as another new backpack and a basketball hoop. The school doesn’t provide that either. At least we now know that Post-its do not get kids to help. Your child still doesn't help out with the chores. Postscript A little extra for you. A poem I wrote in Third grade (even at eight years old I noticed the brilliance of rhyming “Ben” and “pen”): Where is my pen, Ben Whatever is best Whatever color the teacher uses to grade the test Get a Pen Ben Ben Get a Pen Ben Has No Pen Blue red black Ben please may I get my pen back Blue red black Ben, why don’t you buy your own Bic 12 pack Get a Pen Ben Ben Get a Pen Ben Has No Pen Get a Pen Ben Why does Ben have no pen Maybe it is in the den Ben Ben Get a Pen *I don’t think Ben’s mom got the checklist. Tags:
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How do we know Balak didn’t pay? He had to Bil-am. (Mordechai)
You get it? Bilam. Bill him. Balak called on Bilam to pay the Jews with a curse. If curses are currency. Not sure. If you say Bilam fast, it sounds like bill him. That’s how we know there was no prophet. But profit, meaning money. Another pun. Profit. Bilam was a prophet. Prophet. Profit. Brilliant. Same word. Almost. Do prophets make profit? I guess it depends on if they get paid. For forty years in the Midbar, Moshe didn’t desert the people. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? He stayed with the people. Midbar means desert. Desert has two meanings. Desert and desert. We used Midbar, the Hebrew word for desert, dry land desert, making the pun more potent in its delivery. Which is why you got a good hearty laugh from this pun. To be clear, for proper Torah education reasons, Moshe wasn't a cannibal. He kept Kosher. And he also didn’t feed the Jewish people dessert, which is why they were always complaining. He was hoping a chocolate syrup fountain would come out when he hit the rock. We will focus more on the desert-dessert pun genre next time. My friend lost a loved one and has been feeling down once lunchtime's been rolling around. So he started afternooning. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? It’s like mourning, but in the afternoon. Mourning. Morning. He thought you did mourning in the morning. Where you feel bad in the mornings. He didn't know you also mourned a loved one in the afternoon. He thought the pun was what you did. He didn't realize they weren't spelled the same. So, he afternooned. Now, he could mourn in the afternoon, like most people who are walking around depressed at work. Somebody gave a Tisha BAv talk last year. She was the keynote speaker. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Keynote. Kinot is what we read on Tisha BAv, lamentations. The keynote speaker talked about Kinot. So many have used this pun. It’s public property because it’s so brilliant. A keynote speech should be given on it. How should we sing Lecha Dodi over the weekend? In a Shabbaton. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? It’s Shabbat. Shabbatons are Shabbat weekend retreats. Tone. Shabbaton. That tone is the one you should use. Doesn’t have an “e,” but a Shabbat retreat is a place to sing. Singles have Shabbatons, especially around Tu BAv. Sing-les. If they were alone and singing, they would be Singles... Acapella groups are always looking for names. Names are only good in pun form. I’m here to help. A Jewish singles acapella troupe, The Sing-les Shabbatones. That's the best name, so people who don't get the pun will understand it. Hence, the dash. And they might be able to sell hotel rooms at the same time. For the retreat (if I have to explain- puns don't preclude business). The secretary took the minutes at the board meeting and then sent it to everybody. The minutes read “One Hundred and Twenty-Seven.” (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Minutes is what happens in a meeting. Not the actual time. The secretary gave the number of minutes. Silly. How do you know Kosher fish are musical? They have to have scales. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Scales are musical notes that sound good together. Kosher fish must have scales. Nonetheless, many Kosher fish hate to weigh themselves. Why? When they are overweight, they don't like to use their scales. Wanted to give you another funny. Just adding to the funniness of the pun with more brilliance on scales. To recap, fish have scales, scales are used for weighing things, and they are organized musical notes that are very heavy. Puns are best delivered in question form. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Re'eh8/24/2025
Announcements
Words can’t express the feelings on the loss of Harry and Silvana. We want to thank Jake for knowing about cars and picking up new tires for the president of our shul. Jake also knows English, if you have any kids that need tutoring for free. He does favors for free. Our shul is now open. The right-wing table has been getting traction at Kiddish. Conservatives in our shul can now express their opinion, at the table in the left corner of the Kiddish room. If you do express your opinion anywhere else, the board will see to it that you are kicked out and lose your job. We want to commend the Gabai on an excellent head nod given to the Bal Tefillah. The nod made it clear when to start the repetition. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Express Nothing at a Funeral by Saying “Words Can’t Express.” How to Give a Continue with Davening Nod Correctly and How to Space Out- The Art of Making People Wait Even When the Gabai Does His Job. Reasons to Never Tell Members of Our Shul You Can Help. How to Lose Your Friends by Sharing Your Opinion- A Torah World View and Why People Hate You for Loving Gd. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 14:1-2) Don’t cut yourselves and do not make bald spots between your eyes for dead people... I don’t know why people would do that Bernie. I understand your section is already bald. Them being bald is not a sin. Them driving on Shabbat is a sin... "For you are a holy people to H’, your Gd, and H’ chose you for Himself to be a treasured people...” And this is why people hate us. Because they think we have money. They think Gd chose us to give us money... Treasured people don’t make bald spots between the eyes. Or even at hairlines. Bald just looks bad. Treasured people at least wear toupees... Gd doesn't want to have to look at the bald heads. You show up to pray to him. He doesn't want the light shining off your... The baldness in the back left of the shul just looks bad. H’ doesn’t want to see that either. Put on a Kippah for crying out loud... I truthfully do not know why He chose you. I believe nobody picked any of our congregants to join their team in pickup softball last Sunday. Nobody chose any of our members. The point is you have to be a treasured people. You are definitely not athletes... The Perek starts with “You are children to H’.” Children have to act in a certain way. When you are children to the Minkowitz family you act like idiots... Children of H', Bernie, of course have to act in a certain way. Proper. Holly. Bernie. You are chosen to not act like any committee I have ever seen in our shul... The worst hairlines. Rashi teaches that children of H’ don’t follow Amorite practice, like pulling out hairs, like a fool. The hair pulling at junior congregation has to stop. The Amorites would’ve done that, Betsy... I think the Amorite kids would've scratched and bit also. We have to eat holy... I don’t know why the split hooves... Why are you asking me about the hooves? H' said we have to do it. We need hooves split. And fish need fins, because they swim better that way. And there are birds you can’t eat... You can’t catch a fish, let alone a bird, Simmy. Just eat holy food... Eat what you’re commanded to. That's what children do. They eat holy stuff. What they're told to... You can make a lot of good stuff out of brisket. The fact that your children listen to nothing is a problem. That's why we have a little Amorite gang running the youth group. Being treasured means eating decent salmon sushi... No hooves. Nobody likes P’tcha. As children of H’, a treasured people, we have to express holiness in all our actions. In the way we eat. The way we talk. To be a Kiddush H’. “Words can’t express”??? What were you expressing at the Levaya? Nothing. It was the worst funeral... If the board had something nice to say, ever, they would say it. "Words can’t express," because you have nothing to express. Harry and Silvana were great people. If anybody would've expressed that... And because you can’t express anything like a normal person at their funeral. Now, because you said nothing and showed no Kavod to such kind souls, everybody wants to pull out their hair... You don't express holiness by taking. The problem is you all take advantage. You all want for free. You’re takers. Not givers. Rav Dessler would’ve given you Musar... Yes. For free. He wouldn't ask for an honorarium to let you know how annoying you are. I am saying it because you don't care about eating Kosher. You care about getting Kosher food for free. What kind of a treasured people doesn't pay. Doesn't want to give?!... Jake. You should’ve never told anybody you know about cars. Now they're going to choose you to call when their car breaks down. Of course they’re going to call you. It costs $800 to visit the mechanic for a brake. You have free time... And then the president of our shul. Yes. You’re the reason no professionals come to shul anymore. Because it's free when it's in shul. There are no copays at Kiddish... Jake is not going to last here. You even asked him to pay for your tires... That's not help. That's charity... Because he was helping?! And now you're conspiring. I heard them talking Jake. "Jake knows how to work on cars, and he also knows how to pay for cars." Good luck Jake. The congregants like you. We have a shul of takers. People who have chosen to take... That's not what Gd wants. Thanks to our president, the only decent person around, who helps, will not want to be part of the community... He doesn't tutor. Jake did not offer to tutor for free... Would children of H' charge as much if they were mechanics?! Very good question. I can tell you, they wouldn't show up to shul... Finally, the right-wing people have a safe space... I want to thank the board for including them in synagogue discussions in their area... They understand that if they are heard, they will be kicked out... My fault. I didn't realized Bernie is left-wing. Bernie. I am sorry. You can express your views during my sermon... As you have noticed, I have only been speaking to the front right of this shul throughout this sermon. I have only expressed that we are chosen to the front right of the shul... The Gabai is a holy man. A child of H'. He stopped eating shark... The Gabai's head nod is a holy talent. The most important talent in shul... I know the Gabai can’t Layn the Torah or lead Davening. He bobs very well. This is why we chose our beadle... I still can’t stand Bob. He’s talking again. Bob, it’s a sermon now. Shut up. You're right-wing. I'll kick you out... You guys can stop cheering. I want to thank the Gabai for that look he just gave. You are so good at looks and bobs... The Bal Tefillah gives a lookback, the Gabai gives the head nod. That's the order of holiness in the shul... What do you want? The Gabai to yell?! Children of H' know of the holy head nod. All of the stuff you can’t eat, it’s about the holiness. The word used for what we can eat is "purity." Holiness depends on purity. And you are not pure if you can’t figure out when the Gabai is telling you to start the repetition of the Amidah... I don’t know all the Tamei, impure, birds. Do you know what a Yanshuf is?... I did not know that was an owl. Well, you can’t eat it. I do know that if you can't figure out when the head nod is coming, you are not pure and you shouldn't be leading Davening... H' did not task His treasured people with listening to Shloimi lead service... Children of H' are pure. Our Gabai doesn't eat Treif. He wouldn't nod for that... They don't eat carcasses Rivka... Because H' says so. (Devarim 14:21) “You shall not eat any carcass.” You give that to the stranger or sell it to them. They can enjoy it... When you’re called upon by Gd to be holy, you have to purchase Shechted meat. You have to pay more for stuff. That is what makes you a treasured people. Paying more. You're chosen to pay a lot... To mechanics too... It says any carcass. Why am I hearing now about rabbit foot?! And don’t cook a kid in its mother's milk. It’s wrong... I don’t know why H’ put that here. I truly have no idea... The reason. H' said so. Because you are children of H', you have to do this. And you also have to provide a brisket carving station for Kiddish... Rivka's Rundown I feel holy right now. I paid twenty-five dollars a pound for the brisket this past Shabbat. I believe everybody connected with the rabbi’s message of being the chosen people meaning that we have to pay more for stuff. They know that from the Kosher Mart which doesn’t sell pig for less than thirty-eight dollars a pound. The rabbi's explanation of why we have to keep Kosher was extremely profound. If Martin would've said to not eat shellfish, I wouldn't have listened. It really depends on who's telling me stuff. They back left of the shul looks bad. If Gd has to look at that, He is not enjoying listening to their prayers. Wealthy people wear toupees. The rabbi is correct. A treasured people invests in hair. There's a lot of hair pulling at junior congregation. I don't think the Amorites were as violent as our youth. They probably didn't play gaga and whack balls at each other in the name of fun. I have never seen a group of individuals have that much fun crying. I think Betsy is a bit of an Amorite. She will not stop pulling hair. Our congregants truly make everything out of brisket. They're worried that cooking anything else will deem their kitchen Treif. It's just brisket and Manischewitz. Nobody can express anything about Harry and Silvana. Losing them both at once was harsh. Their funeral was quite quick, as "words couldn’t express" anything about them. Their friends got up and expressed absolutely nothing. I had no idea what to think about them, other than they lived a whole life with very boring conversation. Jake is not coming to shul anymore. That was a quick stint for him in our community. After tires, and then changing brakes in everybody’s backyard, Jake decided it was a better financial move to go Christian. As Jake said, “Then I can charge Jews.” This is the same reason the population of Jewish doctors has went down in our town. At the heyday of Jewish pediatricians, this shul was packed with kids and parents asking doctors what to do about headaches at Kiddish. Never let anybody in our shul know you have a skill. Our membership liking you is the worst thing that can happen. The rabbi is right-wing. I don’t think he’s expressed his opinion for ten years. The rabbi now sits at the right-wing table. And he lost his job. He got the job back real quick. He got rehired, when he went to say "Good Shabbis" to the Democrats. The rabbi is worried about getting cancelled again, as a rabbi. To quote the secretary of the shul, "You don't talk Torah in a shul environment. It's offensive." He has started only speaking Torah to the front right of the shul. He's worried that if he addresses the rest of the shul with his views, they will cancel Judaism. We’ve had Gabai yellers in the past, because we’ve had idiots leading Davening who have no idea what a head nod means. Reuven's head nod is so blatant. No scream is ever necessary. You feel the wind flying off his hair smack you with the jerk of his head nod. He's an impressive Gabai. Very right-wing, as expressed by the bob of his head. We had one mourner who thought the Gabai had a twitch. That was the one time the Gabai had to yell, “Start. People here have jobs.” They then had to explain to the mourner that the Gabai's twitch only comes when you have to start repeating the Amidah. And then the Gabai went up to the guy, put that mourner in a headlock. "How to Give a Continue with Davening Nod Correctly and How to Space Out- The Art of Making People Wait Even When the Gabai Does His Job." I think that class was a complaint against the guy Davening. The rabbi was supporting the Gabai though. The Gabai gave a follow-up class on why it's Mutar, permissible, for the Gabai to give the Baal Tefillah a headlock. Tags:
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Dunking kitchen utensils made of metal in a Mikvah is a Mitzvah. Known as Toveling, it's not a good idea to do this when you're dunking yourself in the Mikvah. Rabbis have suggested that it takes a long time to get off that filth.
It seems you have to Tovel electric kitchenware. And the appliance stores are trying to figure out why Jews return stuff all the time. They’re also trying to figure out why every microwave they sell to a Jew comes back soaked. Due to mourning, it’s a Mitzvah to wear Converse All-Stars on Tisha BAv. Converse were made for Jews to mourn. Other than wearing Converse All-Stars, one must drink Gatorade before the onset of the fast. Other than those two, and not eating and smelling bad, I'm not very familiar with the other Mitzvahs of the day. The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 264:7) says you pay a Shadchan for the work. If they’re on shift loading ship containers, you pay them, even if they're a Shadchan… The Chutzpah to think they have to do manual labor for free. Next thing you know, the matchmaker is mowing your lawn and trimming your hedges for free. And then you're stuck with a manicured lawn and no prospects. Many rabbis say you can go in water only on Shabbat, but only for holy reasons. What do you do when it's hot outside? You go for a swim in the Mikvah. Many rabbis don't allow for a dunk in the pool or bathing. It's still an anomaly how my friend's Mikvah in his backyard has a diving board and water slides. But it's a really fun Mikvah. It's not an anomaly why people start to smell real bad at shul Saturday afternoon. Everybody enjoys going to my friend's Mikvah much more than the community Mikvah. If the rabbis would stop the Chasid from bathing in the community Mikvah on Shabbat, more people might go. Though, it is hard to compete with my friend's cocktail bar. Tags:
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The rabbis made sure that all Mitzvahs guarantee you will get fatter.
In the beginning our people used to exercise. That was put to a stop real quick. Bereishit didn't start with this, but it would've if it wasn't written by Gd. Rivka noticed that Yaakov was getting too much movement. He was in shape. She wasn't sure what the Aveira was, but she knew her son was sinning. Her son was too healthy to be devout. Rivka saw this and said, "You go and learn Torah." And then Esav was out there hunting alone, and he got in real good shape. He was ripped. But you couldn't see his abs, because he was too hairy. They hadn't figured out the ultimate sculpted look back then. Laws were thus created to not allow men to shave their bodies too much. But that is for a different time. Our people were commanded to work the land, causing much problem. "If we have to work the land, how do we put on weight," was the question. And then came Shabbis. At least one day a week where the Jewish people would be able to put on weight. And there were Mitzvahs to eat a lot. One loaf of bread wasn't enough. We had to eat two, just to put on weight. Times of The Beit HaMikdash People were still losing weight. TV didn't exist yet. Paskesz hadn't come into existence yet. It was hard to create a system where people would get heavy. There was no way to express devoutness. NFL RedZone wasn't an activity in the Temple. So, they came up with Kishka. Then they had choolante. The rabbis then said, "Put the Kishka in the choolante." They did all they could. How else can we slow down the metabolism? Schnapps. Schnapps works. So, the rabbis of The Great Assembly said, "You have to make Kiddish on wine or alcohol." I am not sure if that is an exact quote. Playing telephone over twenty-five hundred years can change some of the wording. I heard it from my brother-in-law. It's historically correct. Years later, there was a responsa, "If you can't drink alcohol, it has to be a drink with sugar in it. To thus fulfil the commandment of putting on weight on Shabbat." And this is why Kedem tastes so good on ice. And to say the rabbis didn't have Ruach HaKodesh, the holy spirit. The rabbis called this "delighting in Shabbat." Known as an Oneg Shabbat, they made it a commandment to enjoy Shabbat. And that could only be done through food. Rabbi Ephraim Ben Herkoman said a smile is a good way to delight. "Maybe people should greet each other and smile to bring joy to Shabbat." He was excommunicated for this dumb idea. The Jewish people stood no chance. With Shabbat coming every week, one could not Halachikly be in shape. King David declared, "We shall not have an Esav amongst our people." Which is a statement hidden somewhere in Tehillim. I believe the poetic wording King David used for that is, "My eyes look to the mountains." One rabbi asked, "Can't we delight with a walk?" He was excommunicated and then stoned to death. My brother-in-law reported that to me as well. The rabbis asked, "How do you eat while walking?" And thus, was created what is known as a Shpatzir. A Shabbat afternoon Shpatzir. Where you walk at a pace where you can still put on weight. Generally done with at least one hand behind the back, as arm movement makes walking an exercise. Modern Times and Summer By modern times, we are speaking of the last eighteen hundred years. The summer heat seamed to work like a sauna. People in New York were taking off weight due to heat. So, the rabbis made it requirement to go to the Catskills for the summer, where there was a breeze. Another issue of modern times, our sages spent many years creating air-conditioning, so people wouldn't sweat in their homes. Thus, cancelling out the effects of the summer months. Fighting this summer heat, and natural weight loss, the rabbis realized they had to capitalize once again on Shabbat. They said, "You have a long day on Shabbat. All that is permitted is to eat and sleep." The day of Shabbat runs for fifteen hours, with Davening, one must eat for at least ten hours of eating on Saturday. The rabbis realized that one can't take off weight sitting at a Shabbat table for that long. Sleeping was allowed, as the rabbis consulted these people known as dieticians who told them, "If you eat and then do nothing, you will put on weight." And thus the rabbis created this idea known as "a day of rest." All the people went for this. Pinny led the people in a parade celebrating this idea of not having to show up to work. Which then led to all the Jews getting fired in New York. Once again, even in the summer heat, the rabbis had found a way to help the people fulfil the Mitzvah of putting on weight. What else do you do with your Shabbis? Talk? While you're talking, what do you do? Eat. And thus, they made it a requirement to have three meals. Just in case people had thought the Shabbat morning to afternoon meal was over, they created the third Shabbat meal. Known as Seuda Shelishit, the Mitzvah here is to eat more. When asked, Rabbi Akiva said, "Eat more. That is a Mitzvah." For many years, in the Gulag, Jews had a hard time keeping heavy. During those years, the rabbis discovered potatoes. And thus, potatoes made it into choolante. The rabbis saw people in bathing suits and again asked, "How can we add to the Mitzvah of putting on weight on Shabbat during the summer months, when people might exercise by accident?" Hence, the rabbis came up with this idea of early Shabbat, where you bring in Shabbat early so you can start eating two hours earlier. Giving you a chance to eat for six hours on Friday night. And then they added the late night Oneg. Where after you eat for six hours, you delight by eating more. Jews were putting on weight. But they could do more. Shabbat was over. "What do we do Saturday night? There is no meal," asked Yanky, who lived during the Gaonic period. Rabbi Goldstein, another rabbi from the Gaonic period, responded, "After eating for fifteen hours on Shabbis you have to eat more. Are there any Mitzvahs that aren’t eating?! No. Exactly. As Rabbi Akiva taught us, 'Eat more.'" And thus, Rabbi Goldstein created the Melava Malka, where you escort the Shabbat Queen, who you escorted Friday night, by eating more on Saturday night too. To this day we practice the Mitzvah of Melava Malka, just in case you didn’t eat enough on Shabbat. This is where you go to a pizza shop on Saturday night to fulfil the Mitzvah of eating more. Historical Lesson for All Jews And we thus have eight Shabbat meals. These include pre-Shabbat Gribbenes where you eat chicken fat to put on weight before Shabbat in preparation of putting on weight on Shabbat, first Shabbat meal, Oneg Shabbat, Shabbat Kiddish, Shabbat lunch which includes breakfast and dinner, Shabbat snack, Seudah Shelishit which is another meal that starts right after lunch, Melava Malka to button up Shabbat by putting on more weight. How Shabbat snack worked its way in there is another miracle that came at the time of the Manna. You're going to get fatter. You have no chance against Shabbat and the rabbis. And then it's a requirement to have kids, to not allow you to get healthy sleep on the day of rest. That is enough for today's lesson. Next time we shall discuss modern day issues of diets and how the rabbis created new laws to fight this pandemic. We shall also discuss the meal of Kiddish which is named after Kiddish, which makes it confusing. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Ekev8/17/2025
Announcements
We ask mourners not be selfish. The Davening leader should be the person with the highest level Chiyuv requirement on the chart of tragedy. A fisticuffs shouldn't break because Steve's father passed away last year. We understand that nobody wants to hear Felvel lead. But he is going through Shloshim. Being that it’s the first thirty days, he leads, unless if somebody has Yahrzeit. So please be sure to be here for your Yahrzeit, so we don’t have to listen to Felvel. The rabbi is on vacation. The Chazin will read the Drasha. The rabbi wants everybody to know he feels it necessary you all hear a sermon, as you’ve all been sinning this summer, and you’re bad congregants. The rabbi forbids Malkie’s Fat Loss Clinic. You can’t be a Frum Jew, and get thinner, when there’s Shabbat... Vegan Shnitzel is forbidden. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Offend the Death of a Parent By Not Sharing the Amud and Praying in with Our Congregation of Heretics. Leading Davening Not Like Felvel So People Want to Stay Jewish. Healthy Diets H’ Hates - Because There’s No Kishka. What Makes You a Sinner- A Look at the History of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Rabbi Mendechem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 7:20) H’ will send the hornet swarm to get the hidden enemies. But that’s if you listen and do the Mitzvahs... The military plan doesn’t work if you’re all sinning. You have to keep Shabbis for it to work. I tried getting hornets to go after the board. A bunch of sinners... The idea is the hornets go into the tunnels, and they run out. I’m not a military expert, but it works, Bernie. It just works... Moshe fights for everybody, so you are still alive and H’ doesn’t kill you... He fights with prayer. It can work. I have seen the way you guys attack the Gabai. You're alive, not because we had our first decent shul softball game on Sunday. And you are only going into Israel because the other people are so bad. The Amorites and their cousins, the ites, are just sinning more... Basically. You’ve done nothing, other than get Gd mad. But Gd is madder at them... I know this, because I've been around this congregation for a very long time, and I've seen how Jews are when they're on a board. If it was the board making decisions, we would've never made it to Yericho... Exactly. The shul trip to Israel hasn't happened for four years now. Because the board is involved. Sinners... (Devarim 10:11) H’ tells Moshe, “... let them come and possess the land that I swore to their fathers, to give them...” Earlier in the Parsha we see that we'll get kicked out of it. Because we're going to mess up. Ruchel will get involved as board president and she'll mess up the finances... The rebellious people that we are, we don’t necessarily deserve to go into the land. We have to go all the way back to our forefathers for a reason for Gd to like us. Which is why we have plaques in the shul. To remind Gd that at some point there were decent Jews here. Jews who paid dues and didn't mess up the finances and ruin the rabbi's contract... The Levites get nothing. The Leviim don't get any land. Does that sound fair?... Well, it’s fair. I'll answer the questions I ask here. (Devarim 10:9) They have H’... Stop blaming the Levites. I know they do a bad job of handwashing in our Shul. But they're not the reason. They’ll be fine doing Gd’s service. We are talking right now about you guys messing up everything that your forefathers worked for... Let’s see. The Leviim didn’t ruin everything with the Golden Calf. Or a new Torah crown without silver. They're not a reason for us to not be in Israel. In our shul, they're a reason to think that maybe the Levites shouldn't be the ones singing Tehillim on the steps of the Temple. You all have just as bad of voices as the Chazin... I have to explain this. This is why we have sermons. Leviim don't need a physical heritage. They have Gd. Can you get over the fact the Levites don't get land. It's not a punishment. Smirking in the back left. It's called spirituality... Yes. It does make you feel better to have Gd when you're broke... The point is you can't do anything good. Our congregants are not the reason for anything positive. Even so, as I've witnessed, you are very good at messing things up. Like Torah reading... Don’t mess up everything. Gd is doing a favor to our forefathers and me, letting you into Israel... If you moved to Israel, Topeka would be happier. Stop blaming the Levites. They're not the reason. They have Gd. You. You. I'm talking to you. You don’t mess it up. Once you understand you’ve done nothing good, your heritage will be there. It will be protected, even through hornets... Your kid getting bit up at camp was your fault. The Torah does not say to not spray your child. Just don't do anything and your heritage will be fine... No Bernie. Just stop. You're bothering everybody. Mitzvahs. Do Mitzvahs. Everything else will be taken care of. There are things we have to do. Leading Davening should be done right... You want hornets on us?! Then don't mess it up. The rules are. To lead the Davening, you have to have something awful happen to you?! If nothing awful has happened to you, you can't lead services. That's what a Chiyuv means. That or a Bris... I have had to deal with you. That is why I lead services sometimes. It's a deep pain I feel. A loss of joy... If somebody had something awful happen to them, let them lead. Don't be nasty. There shouldn't be Amud, prayer leading fights... You’re selfish, Vitaly, when it comes to Kaddish, never joining the community tune... You are so off beat. And this is an Ashkenazi shul. You’re stuck doing this fifteen-minute Edut Mizrach Kaddish. Nobody knows when to say Amen... We're asking you to not mess up the decentness your ancestors gave our community. Don't mess with plaques. They're the only good thing we have left in this shul. To not cause more Galut. We are asking mourners to be considerate of other mourners. To not be selfish mourners... Felvel. You're not the only one to lose somebody... He said, “I lost my dad last month.” Your response, “Then I should be leading. Yahrzeit trumps Shloshim.” There were no condolences. No LAliyas Nishama. No Hamakom Yinachem. You told him to leave. That is not comforting... And then a fight with Steve. You got mad at him because he had a Yahrzeit. The day his father died, and you want to throw punches... And what’s a fisticuffs. Are you fighting 17th century style? Is this one of those things where you start hitting each other and nobody ducks the punch?! And stop singing. We are going to ask the Chazin to stop singing. His voice is off. If the Jews sang like this in the desert, Moshe's prayers and calling on our forefathers to help with H' wouldn't have done a thing. Come to think of it. Nobody leading Davening at the shul would bring redemption. You are all so bad at it. I ask that you all be better Jews. There is no way a good Jew can take off weight during the summer. With late Shabbis, you are eating till 9pm Saturday night. From 11am to 9pm. That is at least four pounds of babka. Shnitzel for. A popcorn machine. And Rose finally is making good Shnitzel. So, you are eating that... Kol Hakovd Rose for finally having a decent recipe and not messing it up. A thing that somebody didn't mess up. Rose is not the reason we are living in Galut. With her amazing new Shnitzel we would be in Israel. It's the board... And then you need a Melaveh Malka. That means Saturday night pizza. If you were decent Jews, you would've put on at least eight pounds this summer. So far. And what is vegan Shnitzel? Are you even Jewish? Vegan is not Jewish. Pareve is Jewish... The idea is to bring spirituality. To be connected to the elevated Leviim. To eat more Shnitzel. This is our way of being connected to Israel, where we can't afford homes... You're poor, because you messed up your ancestor's inheritance. The Levites get nothing. Are they part of this? (Devarim 10:8-9) The Leviim are commanded to minister to H’ and carry the Aron. A spiritual bunch. “Therefore Levi doesn’t have a share and heritage with his brothers. Gd will be his heritage...” Don't worry about the Levites. Worry about famine. When you're connected to Gd, there is good. You don’t need land. The Levites are good Jews. They put on weight every Shabbat... You don't lose that heritage of Gd when you eat. If the people don’t kill everything, the Levites will be fed by the tithes. And they'll have homes based on what they receive by the people not sinning... The problem is they're connected to the people they minister to. If there's a famine and no tithing, what do the Levites eat? And this is why my contract is messed up... The military plan is to keep the Mitzvahs. It’s to not do anything stupid. That’s the plan. Mitzvahs. And it will help run Kosher Mart better too. And it will help with Davening. Keeping Mitzvahs will have you leading prayers faster, because you will think about loving your neighbor, and you will do it fast. And where is the name Kosher Mart from? Is it named after a family member?... The Levites got this. And they got their lot with H’. Because they wanted that. They didn't mess up. If you don't mess everything up, we should merit Israel and hornets. Celebrate your ancestry... And they will not eat the plaques. And get some bug spray for your kids already... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi spent half hour explaining military strategy. It came down to, pray to H' and show up to shul on time. And that leads to safe living in Israel. So heritage means you've done nothing. And that is a good thing. The redeeming lesson is that we might have a chance to not mess up things more than we have. And that is a win for our congregation. Everybody felt inspired after the sermon to not mess up more than they have. I’ve ran into some nasty Kaddish guys. Especially from the women’s section. When a woman is saying Kaddish and the woman is on tune, they can't deal with it. They They go off beat even more. These guys are vicious when it comes to leading services too. Ralph says” It’s my Minyin.” Like the guy owns the Minyin. Like he's the best guy for it. Ralph hasn't even paid dues. To be honest, everybody hates Ralph. And he runs up there. He gets there early just make it uncomfortable for the mourners to kick him off the Bima, so they can rightfully lead. Felvel has to go over to him every day. “I lost my mom.” And then Ralph gives no response. Just a nasty look. And Ralph is worse at leading than Felvel. He runs up there because nobody would ever ask him to lead Davening. No matter what, he's leading. He considers his birthday a Chiyuv. This guy always leads. After this whole violent ordeal, Michael was looking to purchase a pair fisticuffs. He was bothered that he lost his last pair of cufflinks. "Get out of here" is how the men in our services comfort the mourner. And that announcement. "Be sure to be here for your Yahrzeit so we don't have to listen to Felvel lead Davening." It was like the shul was hoping that more congregants would experience more family death. Just so that Felvel doesn't lead. It's like he's even worse than the Chazin. I think mourners should be a little selfish when mourning one's parent. It shows Kibud Av vEim, honoring parents, when you're a jerk to others, in honor of leading people for Chiyuv. Faster Davening, and not having to listen to these people lead, is the greatest Mitzvah. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Seeing the anger expressed when other people lead, it is true. The rabbi left for the week and he still had a Dvar Torah. I think he just gets out his anger on us. It was inspired. He even threw in the how annoying Bernie is. He knew exactly where they wouldn’t shut up. The Chazin having to read his own voice is off. That hurts. Rose's new Shnitzel is amazing. I agree that she should be praised, as she is our only hope for redemption as Jews. I agree with the rabbi, our congregants have taken off weight this summer and they are thus not religious. Malkie is taking off weight. I don’t think she’s keeping Shabbis. Keeping Shabbis during the summer means ten hours of eating on Saturday. You can't take off weight sitting at a Shabbat table for that long. What else do you do with your Shabbis? Talk? While you're talking, what do you do? Eat. I never understood eating on Saturday night. After eating for fifteen hours on Shabbis you have to eat more. Are there any Mitzvahs that aren’t eating? I should ask the rabbi. When he got back, the rabbi ended up making all the vegans in the shul bring proof of Judaism. The rabbi being away, nothing changed. They all still talked during his speech. Which was really the Chazin's speech. Very confusing. Especially because in his speech he said we don't need or want a Chazin. He got back for his class later in the week because he didn't trust that the vegans were Jewish. Tags:
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I just learned you can say anything about Jews. Can't say it about anybody else. But Jews. You can blame a whole race, a whole nation, for somebody not making room for you on the sidewalk. A Mexican cuts you off, it's the Jews.
I heard The Young Turks going off on Jews. And I realized, they are so happy Hamas and the BBC have given them the green light since October 7th People heard Hamas saying how happy they were they killed Jews and your neighbor was saying, “Finally. I can say it. I hate these people. If we could just get rid of them, housing values will double.” Anti-Semites started popping up everywhere. Your neighbor, the guy you share a cubicle with, all of France. They popped up even at the circus. I went to see some acrobats and they were shooting a Jew out of the canon. The hatred is there and the world has justified it. Let me share some things you can say about Jews, but not any other people. Maybe because the other people aren't Jewish. But that's not the point. "I want to kill you. We all want you dead. Your whole people should die. Your whole people is annoying." This is fine because you're saying it about Jews. How "annoying" made its way in there. No idea. But you should be able to kill people for biting their nails. "Everybody hates you because you're Jewish. Get out of here. Jew! Nobody wants you." You can't say this about other people, because they're not Jewish. I think that's something we'll have to accept. They also haven't been kicked out of every country. If you could say this about other people it would be a lot of fun. More Massacre might be necessary. "You are murderers." How does this work? You're allowed to kill us. But when you fail, we're blamed for that?! Truth is that Jews should be blamed for all homicide. Son of Sam. Is he not Jewish with a father named Sam?... Wait. I just looked that up. David Berkowitz is Jewish. Let's move onto the next one. "You're Jewish scum. Everybody loathes you. You're hated by the world. Everybody wants you dead. You're swine." Wouldn't one of those have been enough? I think that's what Ana Kasparian of "The Young Turks" said. It did sound very nice and comforting, as it was in a soft tone. I appreciate that. Truth is, it's tone that's offensive. Anything The Young Turks say, you can say that nowadays and people are like, "That's right." It's fine for Turks to say that. And you have to empathize with them. In 1934 the Turkish government kicked out all Jews and got rid of them. And then you have to see them in America. That's not easy. That's a reason to kill them. I think we can agree with that. Canada understands. They did their job when they kept out refugees from the Holocaust . I believe the quote went, "None is too many." But that has to make you question, "Who do you murder at that point?!" "You steal land." How we steal our own land is regretful. How a Jew can live in Israel and not feel like a thief and a murder. And then some Jews have the gall to say that Israel is their homeland. Shame. Where should Jews live? Well. Not in Europe or the Middle East. Or America. I think the real problem here is Jews. "You can't drive." This isn't right. They're taking racial epithets against Asians and using it against us. You shouldn't be misappropriating hatred like that. "Cheap. Your people are cheap." It's true. Who doesn't like shopping at Marshalls. And you should hate people shopping at Marshalls. Especially people you see at the clearance rack. Because they're Jewish. Which is another reason to go to Marshalls and shop at the clearance rack. It's a good place to express your hatred of Jews. "You smell bad. You can't play basketball. Your people are the worst at badminton. The way you drink coffee is annoying." Have you ever seen my family drinking coffee with a straw, when it gets to the end of the cup?! It's annoying. "You control the media. You run Hollywood. You control the airlines." What happened to the good old days when antisemitism was positive?! When antisemitism focused on what Jews had. Those were good days. You don't want people forgetting Mein Kampf. And how many people know the sequel? A Mein Kampf sequel?! There was a public demand for more Kampf?! I think Kampf might have had some swine in there too. I think the swine part is where that book went wrong in its expression of Jew hatred. If it would've just focused on the fact that Jews run the banks, all would've been good. You know it's all in jest when you're quoting passages from Mein Kampf. "You all slaughter people. You think you're entitled and you steal our tax dollars." You need a reason to kill Jews. Otherwise, you might feel bad hearing a Jew was murdered. Even worse, if you think Jews are kind and charitable, you may not want to kill them. And that is unforgivable. And you can say it because they're Jews. "You drink Christian blood. People want to drink your blood." Let's bring the libel back up. You want this one back out there, just in case there is a chance people might start liking Matzah, and Streit's starts getting more business. And then, the Jews are also running the Matzah business. "You run the roller coaster at Six Flags." Might as well blame the Jews for that. "Slavery. Jews are the reason slavery." Might as well blame the Jews for that. "You are bad at making decisions. Jews can't choose what to order." If you say that with the right amount of hatred, you'll have a whole restaurant attacking a Jew. Maybe if you had a bit of empathy, you would realize we're bad at deciding what to order because we're cheap. It's not easy to figure out the best deal on the menu at a pizza shop. Then there's special requests. Sometimes, they're offering coleslaw, and you want a burger as the side. And then they have that part where it says, "Ask the waiter." Am I not supposed to ask the waiter? I follow rules. And what about "du jour"? What does that mean? "You say you're the chosen people. You're not even Jews." They're not even blaming us. I don't see this as antisemitism. They don't really hate us. They hate some other Jewish people. Come to think of it, this is the most offensive one. I have a right to identify as I want. This screaming at Jews and telling Jews you hate them sounds like a lot of fun. Telling a whole nation you hate them is very cathartic. I get why people like to do it. It's always good to tell people you hate them. It brings joy. It brings the world together. I want to get into some of those college protests and tell people I hate them. Or I can go to the next board meeting at my shul. Either way, I have some new things I learned about Jews that I can tell them. I did hear somebody say that all Guatemalans should die and be raped. I didn't jump on the bandwagon because they're not Jewish. And I think that would be wrong. Because they're not Jewish. I feel it is important to defend that point of view. Only Jews should be attacked. The world only needs one people to hate at a time. Tags:
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Dear Dave,
I noticed that the people at shul see singles in a certain way, and that is how they see me. And it's getting annoying. I think last week's letter got me thinking a lot. I am not sure though. I have to think about that. As I told you last time, anything I do as a single guy amazes them. And that's annoying. To be wowing people with basic life skills, like not smelling bad and tying my own shoes, got me questioning if I am different. By the way, it would be nice to hear from you. I hope you and your family are doing well. I didn't hear back from you last time. I would've thought you would've been impressed I wrote a whole letter and figured out how to email it. Now I know what's going on. They think I'm pathetic. I have some kind of disability. Which is apparently a Rachmanis. I heard them saying it in this soft melancholy tone. "What a Rachmanis." They're talking about what a pity I am. The patheticness of my life. It's like looking at a dying animal. You see the horse in agony, you think it's single, and you shoot it. It's a Rachmanis. Rachmanis is a different level of pathetic. Not just a pity. They see me as "such a pity." That's what "a" means in Hebrew. "Such a." It's an extreme form of pitiness. One that can only be expressed in question form without a question mark. "What a Rachmanis." A question with a shake of the head showing disapproval that you are still around, which causes them pain. And yet it's a statement. How that works. Only Yiddish can do that. You see, Dave. Even I do it. "How that works" and "you see" would be questions if it was said by anybody that doesn't go to my shul. They see you without a Tallis in shul. They all know it. A Rachmanis. That's what they're all thinking. And that's why your dues are so high. That's why singles have to pay membership dues at a rate of twice the amount of a family. It causes them such anguish to have to look at you, you have to pay the community a fine for that. It's a Knas for making them feel bad for looking at you. They reserve Rachmanis for sick people and singles. Every once in a while, you'll hear it when they're talking about a poor community member, like when somebody is living in a townhouse. "Such a Rachmanis. They share a wall with another family." "I know. It might even be a duplex." And then they walk passed, clench their lips and shake their heads side to side, to let you know you've let them down. It's real hard hearing that Rachmanis of disapproval when they're visiting you in the hospital on life support. Knowing you've let them down by almost dying. And with some of these community members, if you're in the emergency room and single, if they start feeling Rachmanis, they might shoot you. Rachmanis is their way of saying, "What a loser." "There is no way they'll every meet anybody. I hope I find another loser to set them up with. That will make them happy." Do you guys ever get Rachmanis as a family? It's good to know who gets Rachmanis. How would you feel hearing that? "He's been pulling in seven figures with his promotion at the firm. Has four kids, doing well in private school. What a Rachmanis." They see the single guy as pathetic. And this is why it amazes them when this disabled person can prepare a Shabbat meal, with food that "he even heated that up himself." This is why it amazes them that I live in a house, and it's not even a duplex. And then on top of that, I shower. By the way, I see those pathetic people who make their way and push through life with tasks such as bathing, to be strong. Not pathetic. I respect the old single losers. I think the old singles losers want to just be respected for standing tall, slicking back their hair, and still not attracting anybody. Still strutting their stuff in shul, Talissless. Hanging out at youth groups. Not realizing how they scare people. I will never forget the, "It will happen." That's how she started the conversation. I showed up to shul and she had that Rachmanis look, as if she'd just had that conversation with her friend about how much better her life is for having had the chance to not be David. As I'm passing, she looks at me, "David. It will happen." I was like, "I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'" I think "It will happen" is the next level of pity. I don't know how seeing me causes a visceral reaction of "it will happen." As if she needed to convince herself that Gd is not that mean. Gd must have Rachmanis. I think the point is, I want to be a person again so I can save on dues. And then they invited me for dinner. It's not that bad being a Rachmanis. You do save on Shabbis food. I don't know. They might have been talking about the Bar Mitzvah boy whose parents were divorced, and how the kid had to do go through his whole Bar Mitzvah without his dad showing up. But I know it was about me. LSimchas, David Tags:
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Announcements
The Tu BAv single people event is happening for all the divorcees. Old single people who have never been married cannot come to these events either. Or any shul events. We want to be clear. You also scare divorcees. The wall will be renovated for security. It will be a secure structure. This will keep out terrorists. The wall we have now does not keep out terrorists and it is always falling down. We will call it "The Terrorist Wall." We want to commend Camp Rachok MeiHorim for not letting the kids write letters to their parents for first two weeks. It’s good Chinuch. Kids learn that their parents don’t want to hear from them. A Kosher slushy stand is opening. That’s the best we’re going to get. It’s a place to go to and sit outside when 7-Eleven is too packed. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Build a Wall Correctly to Keep Out Singles. What To Do When Your Kids Try to Contact You and the Mitzvah of Honoring Your Parents Not Your Kids. Where to Move to When 7-Eleven is Your Best Kosher Restaurant. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... H’ made a Brit with you at Sinai... No. It wasn’t a communal Brit Milah. I’m dealing with idiots. A covenant... A Bris is a covenant and a Brit Milah. This is too complicated having to explain Ashkenazi vs Hebrew pronunciations... If you would know some Hebrew the sermons would be much quicker. After hearing he can’t go into Israel, Moshe tells the people it’s their fault, and then tells them they better practice the Mitzvot... Yes. It's your fault. How we end up with a Kosher slushy stand is your fault. That was not in Gd's covenant when He gave us choolante... Brain freezes are a curse. Not a covenant. Though they happen all the time, there's no Slurpee covenant that you shall drink it and feel like you are dying every time. (Devarim 5:1) Moshe says to them, “Hear Israel the decrees and the ordinances that I speak into your ears today.” Moshe doesn’t say to talk Bernie... Listen. Listen to your rabbi’s sermons. I am giving over H’s word and you don’t even hear it... Because you talk. There was never a commandment to talk. Because you say stupid stuff. This is why H' has to talk right into the ear. Because you guys don't hear anything unless I scream it in your ear... “And teach your children.” Or they end up like the kids in our shul who are athletes... Apikorsim. Same thing. No commandment to talk. There are Mitzvahs to listen to H’. To believe in H’. The only time they talk is when they are like “Moshe. Do it for us. Go up there and get the commandments for us. You do the work.” When you guys talk, you mess things up. Like your kids... At least teach your kids correctly... OK. First listen and then teach. The problem is you don’t listen. Then your kids end playing softball like a bunch of fools, kicking the ball... I know that's kickball. But you guys are coaching them and they think they're playing a different game, because you don't listen. When you don’t hear Gd’s commandments, and you’re in the back talking about how your new air-conditioner just kicked on, you end up messing everything up for your religion... You don't listen. You end coming up with messed up Shidduchim. You share dumb ideas. Then your kids don't get married to these people. You bring them into the shul, and I have to deal with it. It's your fault... And what about listening to the message of Tu BAv?! Maybe we have to think about older people who never got married. They’re not allowed anywhere. They can't go to parks. They can’t be neighbors. They can't be youth directors. They can’t even go to singles events. Those things only run up to thirty-five. They're even too old to be single. How do we help these scary old singles, other than quarantining them from other people. And I get that you want to keep your kids away for safety... Divorcees have done something. These old single people have never done anything. They are useless. And they can't educate kids or they'll get locked up... You educate to your kids go out with ugly people. Look at the back left. All married in... Exactly. Listen to what the single people are saying. They want to do something. They want to be married. They don't want to marry into your family. And I get that. I see you guys every week... The decree is to get married. But if you don't meet anybody. If you can't go to events... That's how you end up here. When you don't listen and hear, you end up believing false gods. Like a security wall that doesn’t work... You didn’t even think Trump’s wall was a good idea... A wall for security? We’ve had a wall forever... So, we’re going to have Scarface now popping in the back of our shul. Shooting everybody up from behind the non-bulletproof wall?! And what makes the wall bulletproof? Concrete? The walls we have are made of concrete. Why not just listen to the people who used to make walls?!... That's what happens when you don't listen and you teach kids wrong. Drywall. Maybe get a wall that doesn't fall down. That's all. plaster it right... I believe in security. Not stupidity. Not congregants who don't listen... How about a wall that keeps out congregants?! How does a wall keep out terrorists? It didn't keep out any of our congregants... Immigrants can get through the wall. Ein LDavar Sof. There is no end to safety when you don't listen to Gd... Every single one of the renovation ideas is messed up. Beforehand it was because people will die, rolling down a ramp that has an incline of one inch. That didn’t sell. Now it’s security. And kids are educated in youth groups which are on the other side of the wall. What about them... The Terrorist Wall is not a good name for it. It sounds like an invite. Like a wall made for them. It will only draw terrorists. And how do we keep out congregants? That should be the discussion... You don't deal with them. Congregants are just as bad. Security in sanctuary??? What about in the hallway? Do you not care about the kids? Did we not learn to educate them... I understand, you have done an excellent job of educating them that their parents don't care. "The kids can go. If they must go, they must go. would’ve been better if they didn’t come back from camp"... How much security in a sanctuary where you are praying. Do you not believe in Gd... You send your kids to summer camp, when you don’t listen to H’s word. H’ was talking about encamping. Encamping around the Mishkan... The Tabernacle was not the name of a Machane Kayitz. So, the kids can’t write home for two weeks? They come home after three... Michelle. Your kids can't write. And if your kid has an emergency. "Excellent. Great. It’s a shame the bear got them. It’s a shame the buddy system didn’t work out." This way at least you don't get blamed for The Terrorist Wall. It's about educating your children correctly. They don't get that from you, because you don't listen. They don't get it from the Camp Rachok MeiHorim... They come back thinking "Bang Bang Clap" is a Jewish song... And now the divorcees have no money for dates, because your kids should be encamping. Not in camp. And you would know that if you listened to H'... So. You want that wall to keep your kids away. You are fine if they go You'll be calling the cops with your kids in youth groups. "We're OK. We're behind the safe wall in the sanctuary." When you don't listen, you end up with no Kosher restaurant... Because you didn’t listen to H’ telling you to eat Kosher. You’re supposed to eat Kosher. Bernie. Your kids can’t eat without a restaurant. You think Mrs. Schwartz’s kids are eating her food?! It’s disgusting. Let's have spaghetti and cottage for dinner again. We worked on finding a restaurant. We now have a slushy stand... How is that a restaurant. If there is nothing that is being heated up, it’s not a restaurant... You don’t heat slushy’s Bernie. If you all listened, this shul wouldn't be so messed up... Yes. To listen to me. Cheryl. When you don’t hear H’, you covet stuff. Because your stuff is messed up. Like a slushy place. You covet a regular restaurant. Maybe if you got a decent restaurant, single people would want to go on dates there. And then they wouldn't come to shul coveting your families... You don't go to 7-Eleven on a date, because kids hang out there and you can get locked up. You covet because you don’t view it all as H’s. You believe in other gods. To not covet is the last commandment, because not following H’s ways leads to people being congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. And it leads to single people... (Devarim 5:18) “You shall not covet your fellow’s wife, you shall not desire your fellow’s house, field, slave, maidservant, ox, donkey or anything that belongs to your fellow.” I understand nobody is coveting our congregants. That is the one positive about looking at the back left. There is no desire... And your cattle are messed up too... H’ has to list this stuff because you don’t listen. If you just listened to “Don’t covet,” it wouldn’t all have to be spelled out. When you don’t listen the first time... "Not to desire" adds even plotting against a friend. Not necessarily just action. To fantasize a plot, even if he won’t do it (Ramban). And I am guilty for plotting to get the other rabbi fired, so I could get out of this shul... I am not plotting. I am planning against you, because I can’t stand you. I am planning on ruining your ideas which will mess up the shul with a new wall. We don't put up walls in this shul. We put up with annoying board members and committees... And this is what you get when children are educated by people who don't listen. And that is why you have no love in your life... And now we call up the Bat Mitzvah... Rivka's Rundown At the end of the sermon, the rabbi called up the Bat Mitzvah girl, who nobody wished a Mazel Tov to. She wasn't even in the announcements. They even skipped Kiddish. It was like day of mourning in our shul for Tu BAv and the girl's Bat Mitzvah. Well. The rabbi called her up and spoke right into her ear. At my Bat Mitzvah, I wasn't called up to terror and the idea of somebody coveting my parents. I am sure the Bat Mitzvah girl will remember what she heard from the rabbi. The rabbi spent the first half hour of the sermon going off on how people’s grandparents in the Pale of Settlement didn’t necessarily pronounce Hebrew words the same way Moshe did. Later in the week he gave a class on how people should at least learn a little Hebrew, even if they get it wrong, so he doesn’t have to explain everything he says in the sermon. Mid-class, after dealing with constant questions about the meaning of what he was talking about, the rabbi said, “You are a hopeless people.” He stopped the class, left, and said, “I would never want to take you to Israel.” The rabbi spoke on the hearing part of what Moshe said, because he thought that people would stop talking during his sermons and listen. That didn’t work. The rabbi blamed us for heresy and the golden calf. Stating Beis Knesses Beis Emes uSefillah is the reason. The basic message... Our kids are messed up because their parents don’t listen to H’s commandments or the rabbi. I think the rabbi called the back left of the shul very not good-looking people. He did take a lot of complaints for his comment about the cattle. To quote Dr. Lipman, "Say what you want about my wife. But never put down my oxen." I feel bad for the old singles. They can’t go anywhere. They're quarantined at every event. They come to the events and they have to sit at a table with themselves. No interacting with regular community members, known as "the normals." Or as the rabbi knows them, "congregants who I want to put on the other side of the secured wall." And now they are even too old for singles events. They have to stay in their homes and stalk people on the internet. That’s their only hope. One family has all the singles over. This way we at least know where to stay away from with our children. They send their children away to different homes for dinner, just in case the old singles see what younger people look like. Which old single men shouldn't know. One of the singles hugged a kid yesterday. The shul was in an uproar. I don’t care it was his niece. It was wrong. And people kicked him out. B"H. The board did make a correction in the announcements, after push back from the community. They said they are happy to take dues from the old single people. They still can't go to events or show up anywhere, but they can be part of the community by giving money. If we need a stronger wall, secure it. Now, everybody is afraid the walls of the shul are going to fall on them. I thought I saw some congregants leaning on one of the walls last Shabbat. They were trying to hold it up. They’re going crazy with the security thing. I think they just want to spend money, because they haven't given any of it, and they need an argument to spend it. You can’t argue against security. It’s like you’re heartless. You can't say anything to it. “What? You don’t care about security? What about people's lives?” "Well. I don't care." They even have members on patrol now. This is the next Police Academy. Melvin, who needs two people to help him up while he grabs the chair in front of him, is on the security team. If they had money to do renovations on their own house, we wouldn’t be talking about this. They would be focused on spending their own money, and the shul would be safe. They would have no alarm system in the shul, because they had one in their house. They really don’t care about the kids. The sanctuary, which doesn’t allow kids inside, because they disturb, is the only safe place. My parents sent me to camp because they didn’t want to see me. This no letters for two weeks, at least the kids know where their parents stand. Truth is, if I was a one of these kids, knowing what my parents are hoping for me, I would stay at camp. In the end, these parents in our shul will probably spend 500k for college, just to get their kids out. The followup class on what to do when your kids try to contact you from camp was a series on How to Hide from Your Children. A slushy stand. A place to get headaches. Our community is pathetic. I need out. I need a community where I can get a Boureka. At least Bourekas heated up in a microwave. That's all I am asking for, a restaurant where somebody does the microwaving for me. At least that. Can't even get a restaurateur to press buttons here. Tags:
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Shalom Dave,
Singles should not have married people over. They don't understand us and they think we're idiots. I had over married people. They were amazed by anything I did. Like I had some kind of disability. I'm bringing out dinner and anything I did amazed them. There is nothing more annoying than seeing people amazed when you are not doing a magic trick. When they do that high-pitch amazement, they think you're an idiot or disabled. They were shocked I had any abilities. Like a foreign creature they've never seen. It's like when you see a llama for the first time, and they have some kind of personality. “He looks decent. Wearing a suit. And he doesn't smell that bad!!! He's single and he showers. I thought they don't bathe. Did he just talk?!” You still don’t let the kids near them. But you are amazed they talk. And can you imagine a llama wearing a suit. You call the kids over to see that stuff, but from far. Is that normal? Do all married people see me that way? Do you see me that way? Is that why you locked up your alcohol when I visited last summer? I shouldn't have, but there I am hosting them for dinner. Not their kids. Anything I do as a single is amazing. "He put out gefilte fish. Wow. David. How did you do that?" "He's single and he still had fish. Pshhh. Was that from a jar?" "Amazing." "Pigs in a blanket???! Did you see that. David. You didn't. He used an oven... Now pickles. Served on a plate. Plated it?! Class... Honey. He took it out of the jar... No you didn't. Did he just cut the cake?! Dessert too. You purchased that yourself. He just cut cake too?! He cuts honey?!” These people are amazed they let single people near utensils. It basically was like a magic show put on by somebody with disabilities. "And now, the disabled guy is going to show us how to get whipped cream out of a bottle." "Wow!!! Did you see that?! He's single and he was able to find a way to get rich whip onto a plate." I am at a point where I can't stand being around married people. They're amazed when single people accomplish anything. “He got a raise and he’s single.” "I told you. He works. I don't know how. But the guy has a job." "Hopefully not around kids." "Did you see the llama at the zoo." This is what I am hearing them saying. Me not living on the streets is a shocker to these people. "I thought they live under the awning at Marshalls." The fact I can afford a home. "David. Do you also pay your bills??? Honey. He pays bills too." Can you imagine a llama who covers their rent and electric?! I could do anything and it’s a WOW. “And he had a salad. Can you believe. Salad. With lettuce?!... Dessert. Meat. The whole nine yards.” No idea what nine yards is. But they used it. Married couples can say anything and look good. At a certain point, these jerks were questioning my intelligence. "He showers. I didn't know." "He takes care of himself." They expect single people to be living with a live-in caregiver. Somebody there to cut up the lettuce for them. "And the kitchen is swept. Did you know single people do these things?! He even folded the towel. Honey, the towel wasn't just thrown on the floor. It was on the counter. He's single and tidy." They're amazed I'm a person. Yes. I am bothered. I thought I was a person. At the end of the dinner, they were asking where the live-in is. I would've rather not had these people over. All condescending with their high-pitch amazement. Not realizing I used a crockpot. I'm single. I have no idea how to use an oven. You can't get that kind of juicy chicken out of an oven. I also use stove tops. This way I can see where the fire is. I know something is happening. And I know they're walking home talking about how we're a Rachmanis. Anything I do amazes them. Yet. I'm a pity. They're going to be talking about how they need to help me and set me up, because I bathed and was able to figure out how to use an oven, and bathe with soap. "He's distinguished. He folds his towels. And he even has a job. You should go out with him. He's single and he has a job. He's a catch." I go the whole nine yards and I'm a catch. Wait. I got it now. The whole nine yards means folding stuff. I can't stand these people. I just want to get married and hang out with single people. I'll tell you later about why I don't like eating by singles, who always invite me to bring the food. I hear potluck, I hang up the phone. In the meantime, I just want to make it clear that married people are annoying. Though I am single, I can function in society. "That's so cute. He just said he can function around people. They talk. He even talks honey." I'm not inviting married people again. Every one of you all. I am going to enjoy eating by myself. In an undershirt and boxers. Having Friday night dinner where I can proudly eat straight out of my crockpot. They didn't bring their kids to dinner. They're impressed I can take care of myself, they don't trust me to babysit. By the way, I hope all is excellent by you and your family. I hope you're having normal dinners where you can get scream at the kids. And send them to their room and the whole nine yards. Which is normal. Kicking kids out of dinner is a normal thing. But them eating with a person who bathes isn’t. It would be good to have kids to yell at. How's the family? Do you yell at the kids regularly during dinner? LSimchas, David Tags:
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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about dogs drinking coffee, Siddur holders in the back of his neck at shul and how he is mad at Kibbutz Lavi carpentry, all while trying to figure out why all these Hamas supporters have COVID with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new style for Tisha BAv with his Converse All-Stars and extremely ugly socks.
Mazel Tov. It’s a dog... I think it’s great when people give birth to dogs. Dogs are just not good on deciding what to order. And that isn’t fun when I’m waiting for them to choose latte or americano. I waited on line for a good ten minutes for that dog to make a decision as to what coffee it wanted. At some point, I decided to cut him. At least the dog is focused on the menu. Maybe on the guy’s shorts. I am not sure.
Proof, as seen at the Monticello shul. The Siddur holder angle was correct a hundred years ago. Which is why I don't think shuls should renovate. Due to new design, I get smacked in the neck by the guy’s Chumash every Shabbat... Kibbutz Lavi furniture is causing baseless hatred.
Hamas supporters are still suffering from COVID, and nobody is talking about it. You’ve got to feel for them. It’s probably Israel that’s giving it to them. (ABC News Nassau County)
That man is ready for Tisha BAv. He’s got his Converse All-Stars and the overuse of socks to express lament... The only people who can make Converse All-Stars not look good.
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It’s tradition to not greet people on Tisha BAv. The Markowitz family is very good at that. They have not said Hi to anybody since they moved to Topeka. Some have the tradition to do a Taanit Dibur on Tisha BAv, where they don’t talk at all, throughout the fast. The rabbi is asking that Bernie adopts this tradition. To quote: “We might witness Geulah, redemption, if Bernie doesn’t talk.” Our community needs a Kosher restaurant. If anybody knows anybody that can cook, let them know the community will support them. Anybody who wants to run a place. The rabbi says he can care less if the guy is proHamas. We need a restaurant. "We have nothing else to offer, other than a committee meeting. And that only draws Jews who like to bother the rabbi." Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Celebrate Tisha BAv and Feel Pain By Dealing with Our Congregants. How to Lose Every Jews In Your Town by Not Having a Place to Eat in Your City with Examples Given By Jews Who Won't Support Anything That is More Expensive Than Costco. How to Keep Silent So the Rabbi Can Give a Class- Lessons from Tisha BAv for Bernie. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... So. You all hear you can’t go into Israel. You are all going to die in the desert, because you take the idea of really good fruit and ruin it. You see ripe grapes and all the sudden, the people are going to kill you?! I have no idea how that works. It's like seeing a decent pastry at Kiddish and saying you're going to die because of the rugulach... The Jews are not going to Israel because of rugulach... You didn't trust H' because the rugulach was too good. And you got H’ angry. I can see it. This is why none of you have gone to Israel the last couple years. Good rugulach... And so, H' tells the Jews in the desert, they are going to die there. (Devarim 1:41) All the sudden they’re telling Moshe, “We sinned to H’. We will go up and fight.” They even got all the weapons. Suited up all the gear. They hear they're going to die and all the sudden they're a bunch of heroes who trust Gd. Like the time I said the trip to Water World is off. You all got in your bathing suits. All you did was offend the shul. You don’t wear bathing suits in the sanctuary... (Devarim 1:42) H’ then says, “Don’t go, because I am not with you.” It makes no difference what you do. If H’ isn’t with you. You can't go prancing around a water park if H' isn't with you... Like fools, they went without H'. Just like the board deciding on this renovating the sanctuary. Do you think they were having meetings about renovating the altar in the Beit Hamidash... No. Exactly. They even got beaten up by the Amorites. Who gets beaten by the Amorites?!!! (Devarim 1:45) “Then you returned and wept before H’ and H’ didn’t listen to your voice...” At a certain point, forgiveness just isn’t there. You just can't hear it. At a certain point it gets annoying listening to your ideas of chandeliers in the sanctuary from people who are about to go swimming... I can hear you, Bernie… (Devarim 1:39) The kids that knew nothing at the time of the spies, they will go to Israel. The kids at our day school. They know nothing. Absolutely nothing. They don't even know Hebrew... It's called the Hebrew Day School, Ruchel!... Even though they're not very smart, we don't take it out on them... And Yehoshua and Calev. The ones who trusted in H’. Yes. They go to Israel. Because they didn't listen to the people. Listening to you ruins lives. We see what it did to the kids who actually listened in class. Their damaged... You can’t mess up and expect everything to always be good. You’re the reason for Tisha BAv... H’ is not with us. You haven’t messed up Tisha BAv. You are good with that. You have not listened to H’ and you have done a good job of keeping Galut going... It’s tradition to not greet on Tisha BAv. The Markowitz family is very good at Tisha BAv. Since they moved here, and not said Hello to anybody, they’ve been preparing for Tisha BAv. They are also very good Shiva house guests... They don’t say Shalom either. They see the rabbi and understand he is mourning, dealing with this congregation... You're not supposed to greet people when visiting a Shiva house. The Mullins come to Shiva Houses like it's a party. Like the guy is running for mayor... You see Bernie, you are talking. Taanit Dibur. It means a fast of words... I would even be fine with you eating. If you didn’t talk, I would say you could eat on Tisha BAv. I would even cover your dues... Our congregants should start the no talking fast before Tisha BAv. It might help bring redemption if you all stopped talking. Let’s stop talking now. How about we stop talking during my sermon?! So much messing up. You can't backtrack sometimes. You can't make things good when you lost H'. When you have to pay twenty-thousand dollars to send your kids to Jewish summer camp... We need food... When it's not Tisha BAv, we need food. We need a restaurant. People leave this town because they can't forgive this community for not having a Kosher place to eat. You can't backtrack on not having decent food... Chuck E. Cheese is not Kosher. Even if Jews eat there... How do you expect people to respect our community when there is nowhere to eat?! There are no Kosher restaurants... It's pathetic when going out means you’re going to Nachum Schwartz's for dinner. And even if makes a decent casserole, his house is not a restaurant... The pop-up thing Michel did is not a restaurant... You can call it a restaurant for a night in Michel's living room. But I know what it was. It was eating in the guy's living room. And they charged us. Ganavim... You are not a respectable Frum community without a shop. A pizza shop. A falafel shop... It has to be a shop. A shop where the owner is happy taking Jewish money. Jew haters are fine taking Jewish money. Anti-Semites are fine. We don't need a Jew running the shop. The last guy with the Kosher sushi complained all the time... I was fine with that guy closing. Every time I went in, he had a complaint for me... I'm the customer. I'm supposed to be the one complaining. I’m not going out to eat to deal with a congregant. I understand why he was always mad. He rightfully complained. He was dealing with our community... I am not saying Jews are cheap. I am saying you guys are impossible to run a business for. You don't support anything. You price compared everything with Kroger... Restaurants can charge more than a supermarket. The food preparation part costs. This is why the Jews were stuck in the desert. No support. Wanted everything handed to them. Like a free slice of pizza... (Devarim 1:45) Moshe praises Israel for repenting, acknowledging their sin. But H’ had taken an oath already (Bamidbar 12:21-23). He wasn't going to change that. Sometimes it's too late and we have to take the punishment. Repentance doesn't change things. It doesn't make for a better sanctuary with chandeliers or less complaining from every single one of you. Teshuva isn't going to get you a better deal on Jewish summer camp. Whatever our punishment for not having decent food. Having a messed up a community. Having this Markowitz family that doesn’t say Hi. Having to listen to people even when we have a Taanit Dibur. At least repent. You may not be forgiven. But do Teshuva. The Jews that went with the spies didn’t see Israel. But at least they did their part in Teshuva. Your children have hope... Because they're not you. And you paid twenty-thousand dollars to send them to camp. Even if you don’t see the Bait HaMikdash, your children might. What we learn from our ancestors is Teshuva. You repent even things may not change... And we’re still not going to Water World. I saw you all in your bathing suits. Some things are not to be forgiven... Seeing you... You can't backtrack kids coming to shul and having to see the bathing suit debacle. Let's not take it out on the kids that are spaced out and don't listen... They shouldn't go to the water park either, because they don't follow rules. That's dangerous... Rivka's Rundown It was horrific. I believe we need to wait till a healthier generation comes, to go back to Water World. Everybody was truly happy the rabbi brought up the cost of Jewish summer camp. They felt like he was speaking out for them. The rabbi was just complaining about how much it costed him. Either way, it turns out that Jewish summer camps are the cause for Galut. The rabbi has been going off on the Markowitzs the past couple weeks. I think he now appreciates the fact they don’t say Hi and he doesn’t have to talk to them. He wants more congregants that ignore him The rabbi pushing for the Taanit Dibur had a few not talking at Kiddish. They at least made it a point to not go over to the rabbi. I believe they got the message. The rabbi thanked everybody for helping make his Tisha BAv a meaningful one, by staying away from him. He said that was his best Kiddish ever. He sat and ate herring, and nobody disturbed him. He just focused on balancing herring on the Kichel. As he says, "It has taken years to master this. I need to focus." He didn’t have to give any advice. And four divorces happened this week. I believe it was because they didn't ask the rabbi for guidance. The rabbi usually advises them on how annoying they both are, and that they both have no chance of meeting anybody else, and they stay married. The rabbi said he had nothing to do with the divorces, as he was enjoying the herring. We have the only rabbi that feels that divorce helps with redemption of our people. To quote, “I am fine with the divorces. As long as they don't bother me. I understand why nobody wants to be married to our congregants.” The sushi owner complained because the community didn’t support his business. They said they wanted the place, but never ate there. It was the restaurant they "didn't go to." They thought as religious Jews there was a place they should go to. They didn't realize that joke was about shuls. I think community support means coming in once every half year to buy the cheapest thing on the menu and to check it comes with a lot. And then to tell the owner how they can do it better. The no kosher restaurant is a topic of conversation. It’s pathetic. The only town where Jews think it’s good to be a Jew with nowhere to eat. People visit and ask what Jews do. The answer, “We eat at home.” That’s how Jews go out. They eat at home. And the visitors want to know how we are all so heavy. The rabbi was adamant about the shop. It has to be a shop. Restaurants should be shops. The rabbi ended up getting a Hamas guy. He was fine. He said the guy is not in Israel, he can make good falafel. The Hamas guy scared everybody. He even put up a sign, “Our falafel is the bomb.” That scared the Jewish community. Great sense of humor. He uses Humus and Hamas interchangeably. "I put Hamas on your pita? HaHaHa." Turns out the Hamas guy is a regular American college student. He started hating Jews a couple years ago, when he didn't have Donald Trump to protest anymore. We got rid of the last caterer at our synagogue because he was a KKK member. The rabbi regrets that to this day. He said, "The best thing that can happen to the shul is to have more people that hate our members, other than me." We truly lose people because of this restaurant thing. They travel to other cities to eat out and then they stay there. They stay in the restaurant. They rent beds in the restaurant. They get very excited when they see what possibilities are out there. Anything other than Topeka is exciting. Anything outside of Topeka, even a shop. The keeping silent class was not successful. I've never seen so many questions thrown at the rabbi in one class. The rabbi thought his subtle message of not talking during the class would come out in the name "How to Keep Silent So the Rabbi Can Give a Class." Tags:
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The shul had a juicing event. Bernie said, “I didn’t come to shul for a choir.” You get it? Juicing sounds like “Jews sing.” Juicing is how you make smoothies. They were making smoothies. They were also singing. Jewsing. 
Grave of Chana and her sons. I love visiting graves of Tzadikim in Israel... The greatest miracle that I believe my tour guide discovered is that every person who was buried a long time ago was famous. The dentists didn’t get buried, unless if they were a dentist who wrote the Mishna.
We saw an unmarked grave. Our tour guide was on it and made sure to figure out what Tana it was. 
International stand-up comedian, David Kilimnick, brings The Humor Hour of laughs to the resident seniors at your facility…
Also book David (Israel's "father of Agnlo comedy") for your shul Stand-up night and community Comedy Kumzits Singalong Show- To Book David to bring the joy and laughs contact [email protected]
(Rambam: Teshuva 7:2) For Teshuva, always view yourself as if you’re about to die. It also forces you to think more when going down a flight of stairs.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
8/31/2025
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