The Feast - Gittin 55b-56a
The Gemara says Yerushalayim was destroyed on account of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. Everybody likes to throw the blame on somebody else. Many said it was Bernie's fault. Bernie didn't like that. So, he threw the destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash on the Kamtzas. Those guys got blamed for everything. They even got blamed for the prune juice cistern fiasco prank of 36CE. 

This guy was having a large feast. He had a friend named Kamtza and an enemy named Bar Kamtza. Very confusing. It would've been much better if they had last names in those days. It's hard to remember last names like "Guy I Can't Stand." He didn't want Bar Kamtza Guy I Can't Stand at the party. Very long.
The host made a large feast and said to his servant: "Go. Bring me my friend Kamtza." The servant went and mistakenly brought him his enemy Bar Kamtza. 
He mumbled a lot. His servant was always getting things wrong because his boss never enunciated right. The servant was getting groceries... He once brought back carobs for dinner because his boss couldn’t open his mouth and enunciate “cabbage." Next thing you know, they're eating carob salad, choking on pits. The servant is getting reprimanded, "What can you cook with carobs? Idiot."
He should've known not to invite the enemy. But he thought his boss liked having over people he hated. Bar Kamtza had a way of ruining dinner parties. He did this really bad juggling act.

The host found Bar Kamtza sitting at the feast. The host said to Bar Kamtza, "You are my enemy. What then do you want here? Get out." This was the first time Bar Kamtza had ever received an invitation to come to a party to leave. And it was a fancy invitation too. The paper was rolled. Not even folded. And with a ribbon. He didn't read the invitation which said, "Please get out."
For a moment, the host thought Kamtza took off some weight. But then he noticed the juggling act and wanted Bar Kamtza out.
Bar Kamtza said to him, "Since I have already come, let me stay and I will give you money for whatever I eat and drink. Just do not embarrass me by sending me out." Apparently, being kicked out of a party was embarrassing two-thousand years ago too. Some things don't change, including bad juggling acts. The host said, "No, you must leave." Bar Kamtza suggested that he would give money for half of the feast. What kind of negotiation is that? The host insisted he leave. Bar Kamtza then said, "I will give you money for the entire feast, just let me stay." The host said, "No, you must leave." The host wanted him to pay for the dinner and a fully paid round trip vacation to Spain. He loved Barcelona. Great massages.
Finally, the host took Bar Kamtza by his hand, stood him up, and took him out. In front of everybody. Bar Kamtza was not good at getting hints, such as, "You must leave." Does that mean now? Does that mean when the party is over? Does that mean I can't sleep here?

The Aftermath of the Feast- Gittin 56a
After getting thrown out, Bar Kamtza said to himself, "Since the Sages were sitting there and didn't protest the host, though they saw how he humiliated me, I learn from it that they were content with what he did. I will therefore go and inform against them to the king." How he learned from the interaction to inform is because he was a good student. Many others wouldn't have learned that part from the sages. He said this to himself. He didn't start announcing, "I'm going to get you all exiled from Israel for two-thousand years because I got kicked out." Truth be told, he showed up to the party without a dish. Everybody knows, you show up to a party in Judea you bring some Baklava.
So he plots and tells the emperor that that the Jews have rebelled against him, and he can prove it by having the Romans send an offering and seeing if the Jews sacrifice it. The sacrificial plot. An ancient con move of trickery. Almost as successful as the Canaanite river hut plot. A well known con back in the year 2100BCE. 
On the way to the Temple Bar Kamtza made a blemish on the calf’s upper lip or eyelids. There are differing opinions as to what he blemished. Which caused more argument amongst Jews. Which led to more fights in the Beit Midrash. Oh. How we bring Galut.
Well. The blemish forbade it from being a sacrifice, and Bar Kamtza ruined a decent dinner. Again.

Even with the blemish the Sages thought to sacrifice the animal to maintain peace with the government. Gd or lower taxes?!
Rabbi Zecharya ben Avkolas said to them, "If the priests do that, people will say that blemished animals may be sacrificed as offerings on the altar." Always the by the books kind of guy. He was the worst accountant. Which is why he became a rabbi. He couldn't hold one customer. People always found themselves paying more and never getting a tax break.
The Sages thought to kill him so that he would not go and speak against them to the emperor. Some were thinking to kill Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes who had an issue with random murder.
Rabbi Zecharya said to them: If you kill him, people will say that one who makes a blemish on sacrificial animals is to be killed. The priests were all for it. To quote Brian the Low Priest, "That would've saved us a lot of time. I'm sick of checking."

They did nothing, and Bar bar Kamtza’s slander was accepted by the authorities, and consequently there was war with the Romans began. The Romans didn't know the laws of Lashon Hara. That you're not supposed to listen to slander. If they would've learned Hilchot Lashon Hara, we wouldn't be here now. Now would we. 
Rabbi Yohanan says: "The excessive humility of Rabbi Zekharya ben Avkolas destroyed our Temple, burned our Sanctuary, and exiled us from our land." And he finally got Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes, back for not sharing his notes on the science quiz in eleventh grade.
 
The Conclusion- Gittin 57a
The Gemara cites a Braita. Rabbi Elazar says, "Come and see how great is the power of shame, for Gd assisted Bar Kamtza, who had been humiliated, and due to this humiliation and shame God destroyed God's Temple and burned God's Sanctuary." You get Gd mad and He destroys His stuff. 
Humiliation and shame is what destroyed our people. Which is why we have to stop playing football. Our people are not good at football. It's embarrassing.
Bar Kamtza's embarrassment is the reason for the destruction we go with. It helps kids get along better. It also helps them understand better why they're at summer camp in America. Suffering the Catskills, playing basketball and football. Having to go to the canteen.

Lessons of What Followed
Even after all of this story, I didn't get an invite to my friend's birthday party.

The real reason for the destruction of the Temple is the host never enunciated. This is what I tell the kids. And I do believe it was my nephew's Bar Mitzvah speech that keeps us in Galut.

Kamtza heard about himself in the story and he was mad that he got blamed for the destruction of the Temple. To quote, "I had nothing to do with it. That idiot didn't invite me to his party." The host, "his friend," claimed he made a mistake and threw the blame on his servant. Very like the host.
Kamtza continued by getting mad at his parents, "I told you not to name me Kamtza. That's my friend's dad's name."
You think Bar Kamtza was mad. Kamtza ended up letting his dog pooh on his friend's lawn and he left it.
It was at that moment, last names were created. I believe "Guy I Can't Stand" has been shortened to Goldstein. In some communities it's been modernized as Rosenbaum, Felstein, and Schwartz. 

People are still arguing. This continued destruction we still live with today is because of humiliation, Rabbi Zecharya's humility, Romans not knowing the detailed laws of Lashon Hara, or not enunciating "cabbage" correctly. Whatever the reason, Rabbi Yochanan is going to blame Rabbi Zecharya. As Rabbi Yochanan later said, “I always liked him more with one shoe.”

Many now ask why this is the paramount story of Tisha BAv. Let me explain. Death and destruction are more inspirational. Inspiration used to come in the form of a nice sermon by Ezekiel. But Gd realized that exile and pogroms does a better job of getting people to think about being nice.

Edmond took the lesson to heart. To quote my buddy Edmond, who wouldn't stop talking in Shul on Tisha BAv, when I was trying to focus on lamentations: "I can't believe I'm starving today, because some guy got offended at a dinner party two-thousand years ago."

***I am not sure if I relayed the story with the exact Pshat of the Gemara. Maybe check out Gittin 56a-57a.

Stuff is messed up and the world is against us. They're blaming us for everything. The news...
The Gazan Death Toll is now up to eight million. (pause for laugh- when no laugh make sure they know it's a joke- audience may not be educated and hate Jews and say eight million people live in Gaza- audience may be UN staff- be clear I'm mocking inflated death toll numbers when I say death toll- I wouldn't laugh at people dying Chas vShalom- one death is too much and I pray suffering ends- maybe go into speech and abandon bit- let them know I care about all life- though it may offend them let them know I'm laughing at deaths where people didn't die- maybe do group prayer before moving into bit- Psalm 121 here and they'll be ready to laugh- King David has that affect- if they think it's just a mocking the lies coming out of Gazans and the UN then continue like it was a comedy bit about what it is- maybe add joke "There were more total war tragedies on death toll by December 2024 than May 2025- and people still don't believe in resurrection")
How do they come up with those numbers? "Pneumonia. Caught cough from Israeli. Another one dead. That's thirty." (pause for laughs- I think I should leave out the pausing notes) They're not very good at math. Each death is eighty on the toll. That's what you get with bad education.
It happened during war, it's because of war. "We're going to miss Abu Fij. He was ninety-nine. Died in his sleep. Israelis... Tack on seventy for that one." They're blaming Israelis for COVID now. That's why Hamas wears those masks. They're worried they're going to catch COVID. (I hope I remembered to pause for laughs- maybe I should’ve left in “pause for laughs” notes) College protestors understand the seriousness of Hamas’ cause, that’s why they wear medical masks. (let them know I’m not mocking COVID- and I am not saying COVID is a terrorist organization) 

We've got to do better with world opinion.
Americans see it on CNN, it's fact. People hear stuff on BBC. They believe it because of that accent. Hamas statement, "Twelve million dead." Proof. Twelve. He said it. I believe it's up to twelve million since we started this bit. (remember- it's about delivery- make sure to nail the punches on death toll jokes)
Anchor. "Bibi built the tunnels." "You see. Told you!"
"Word just in from Hamas. Israel started California wildfires." "Hollywood. Knew it."
"We're reporting to you from the Temple Mount in Tel Aviv. Jews have now occupied the Temple Mount." "I told you the Jews were occupying Tel Aviv... Worse. They're protecting themselves."
Protecting ourselves is now a war crime. "Patriots... Shooting those missiles."

I don't think the news is on our side. Just guessing. They're throwing stuff out there. "And Israelis dropped a bomb in Japan." "They'll go for it."
You can't argue anymore. They're quoting kindergartners as proof, "Three plus one Zionist devil, makes four Zionist devils." Whatever that means. Somehow math books are against us. "You see. I told you they drink blood."
We've got to do better with world opinion. It's bad when they've turned you into a hateful slur. "Zionist!!!" "Yep. I believe that. I believe the Jewish homeland is the Jewish homeland. Call me crazy. If you have to, call me a Zionist. I must be an idiot, but that is the Jewish homeland, because it's the Jewish homeland."

We are so bad with world opinion. We look like idiots. 
Hamas looks amazing. They're tacking on deaths. They've got videographers with 10K res. (POV Palestinian videographer) "Let's get him dying in the sand castle this time. The last one with his mom crying. It was good. I think we can kill him better. I think if we... Let's go for the head chop off scene again. One more take... Take death number eight for Ichmad... Got to hurry. We're only on death number nine."
One kid died fourteen times. Dying once is bad enough. Can you imagine dying fourteen times... That's commitment.
We can't win. This whole Pallywood thing, where they kill their own people for good action shots. They're shooting out in Sudan. Taking the Gazan stars overseas to shoot the film short about the kid dying again. This kid’s family is schepping Nachis. The pride. The kid is pulling in Pollmmy Awards for his role as "The Kid Who Died Again." "And this year’s award for best death. Will it be Ichmad for his role in dying in a building with the Hamas guy. Or will it be Ichmad in dying again because of the Zionist Devil. Or will it be Ichmad in his role as The Suicide Bomb Kid."
Maybe they just can't find more actors. "And best film goes to The Suicide Bomb Kid: The Live Short Documentary." "Best supporting actress, to Fatima in Suicide Bomb Kid for her role as the girlfriend he met after he killed himself for the sixth time."
It's fine. The kid is still alive. Don't worry.
Ichmad is coming for his acceptance speech. "I couldn't have done it without Mrs. Kadini and her kindergarten class on the Zionist Devil who I have to kill. The cartoons about slaughtering Jews were truly inspirational."

Even Biden is like, "Something is off. I may not be totally with it, but... According to my calculations, one death per person. I think..."
I feel for the kids. For a kid to have to get killed fourteen times. It's abusive and wrong. I am very much against stage moms... They're pushy. Exploiting your own child like that.

One guy was dead. I saw it, he was under his sheet. Lifted his sheet, mid-funeral. Folded his sheet over. Neatly. Dead people are quite tidy. He then reached up, and his friend brings him a Coke. Drinks Coke middle of his own funeral. Can you imagine being dead with a parched throat. Being dead is hard enough. One shouldn't know of such things.
Another dead guy jumped off his death bed. Mid-procession. Starts running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I think he benched three hundred eighty pounds. In shrouds. Then I saw him at another one of his own funerals. He came back to fight for his people. As he's dying, he musters the strength to smile for the camera. 10K. Smiling at his own burial. The courage that takes. I believe that was Gazan Death Toll number thirteen million and two.

These people in Britain and America believe this stuff.
(POV Anchor) "We have an eyewitness. Hamas tunnel commander just told us. Israelis started the Spanish Inquisition." (pause for laughs- if I said "pause for laughs" make fun of myself for being an idiot) Americans believe this. Hamas tunnel professors.
We get blamed for everything. We are so bad with world opinion. We get blamed for being Jews. Just being Jews. We get blamed for that.
The death toll is now up to fifteen million.
They just throw numbers out there. "Forty million." It's now forty. "I said eighty. Eighty-five million. The total number of people killed in Gaza is now eighty-five million." "Ninety. We have ninety million Gazans dead." 
CNN. "And the Death Toll in Gaza is now up to ninety million."
Nothing is good enough. They can’t just stick to one lie. “Three hundred and eighty-four million dead.”
 
Next time let's talk about genocide. And I’m out of here. Thank you!!!
(that genocide ender is a real zinger)

***See university article, bomb shelters, myths for this stuff fleshed out in different ways.

Announcements
No violent greetings even if you are friends. Hellos shouldn’t hurt or injure people. And loud hugs must be kept to a minimum. Our seniors thought Zev and Nachum were fighting when they were saying "Shabbat Shalom."
 
We are going to ask our Chazin only sings two tunes for Kedusha. Due to the use of modern songs in Kedusha, our congregants think that the lyrics to every Jewish song are “Naaritzcha vNakdishcha.”
 
We want the new members to know that saying Hi to people is welcome in our community. We understand that you come from an area with a lot of Jews, where people like being ignored.
Our shul is full of losers who like saying Hi and you’re the reason for Tisha BAv.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Hurt People With a Shabbat Greeting. The Real Words to All the Tunes Our Chazin Steals and Uses for Naaritzcha. How to Run a Not Friendly Shul With Our New Congregants.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Happy Tisha BAv everybody. It’s coming up next week. I want to enjoy it this year... How do you enjoy? You mourn with your people. Not with the people of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Mourning with you all is depressing...

Reuven and Gad want to stay in this land they just got. Not in Israel. The same way ya’ll love Topeka. If there was Topeka in Egypt, you would’ve asked to stay... It’s nice. OK. It’s not Israel. You don't even have a Kosher restaurant here. How can you want to stay. As a Jew??? Reuven and Gad want to stay. They have good land. They have a guy willing to open a falafel shop... They at least got permission from Gd.
The verdict. (Bamidbar 32:20-22) “Moshe says to them, ‘If you do this thing, if you arm yourselves before H’ for battle. And every armed man of yours crosses the Jordan before H’, until He drives out His enemies before Him. And the Land shall be conquered before H’..." Israel’s enemies are H’s. We have to drive them out. That is part of our calling as a nation... I have driven many potential congregants out of this shul. For Gd...
"This thing" means joining your nation in battle... Well. Moshe didn't have your parents. Gd didn't live by your parents' grammatical rules. Vagueness was allowed, because everybody knew what they were talking about, and they weren't annoying. And they knew Torah. Unlike you all that sit in the back left... You guys wouldn't even join a discussion about Israel. Let alone a battle...
Moshe continues, "And after this you shall return. And you shall be clean from H’ and Israel, and this Land shall be a heritage for you before H’.” Only once they go in and join their people in battle, is it a heritage and connected to H’ and the Jews. When you do nothing to help your people. When the only thing you do is watch FOX News. When you don't even pay your dues... I get it. FOX News is more pro-Israel. But if you're not fighting for your people. And I know some of you fight at Kiddish over the herring... It's not holy. None of this hear is connected to H', because you don't fight for your people. And you don't even mow your lawn... At least mow your lawn. H' appreciates decent lawns...
We go out and we fight on behalf of H’. That is when we can return and know that our homes are good. That we are vindicated from H’ and from Israel. It's about not having to feel guilty...

When you are part of that, you can be blessed. If you are not. If you’re sitting here all relaxed with herring on Kichel, which is amazing, while those that are fighting for you are not safe, your land is not blessed. It is not a heritage. You're living in Topeka for Moshe’s sake. Gd would have probably said no to Reuven and Gad going to Topeka. You go to Topeka to run away from your people...

Is it not blatant? Do I have to say the soldiers??? Of course. It’s the soldiers. Tehy are the ones that bring us blessing. Not your children...
Maybe before learning, go out there with your people. Fight. At least go to the back left of the shul and tell them to stop talking. Tell Bernie to be quiet. Do something for your people.
Of course I am making the point that Americans should do the army. Your people are out there fighting. Nothing gives you the right... I know you can do what you want. But Gd and the Jewish people don't like you. That shouldn't be a shock. Sadie doesn't like you either...
That’s why we’re proud of the Berkstein children, who joined Tzahal... Tzahal is the IDF. They are doing the army, unlike the Finkelman children and the...

Fight for your people until they are safe. Have you fought for your people. Are you connecting with your people's plight?... Other than YouTube videos...
It’s all fine and dandy. It’s not, until your people are resting secure. And not helping your people is not helping Gd... Because Gd wants that. 
If join in our brother's fight "this Land" is ours. Is it the land on the other side of the Jordan or does "this Land" mean Israel?... I don't know. That's why I'm asking. The one time you people choose not to talk...

You haven’t helped your people. You've attacked with your Hellos. That's about it. Your greetings are very violent... Truth is I'm scared to get hugged by you. They're loud, and I will get hurt...
You would think our people would have Shalom amongst ourselves. Zev is still attacking people to say Hi. This is why nobody wants close friends in the shul.
They even hug violently. And it’s loud. We are not meant to fight each other with greetings... If you went in and hugged Hamas, the war would be over in a second.
I don’t shake your hands, because... I get you work in construction. Calm down. We know you have a good grip. Don't have to prove you've used power tools this week. We get it... Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, was caused by people saying Hello.

The Chazin’s tunes have just confused our people. I don't believe they've helped.
I am getting confused by the Chazin myself. The Chazin even got to me. I started thinking that the words to "Am Yisrael Chai" and "Kol HaOlam Koolo" are "Naaritzcha..." Those are songs. Their words are not "Naartizcha."
Even "Adon Olam" isn’t "Adon Olam."
"Lecha Dodi" to Chumbawumba’s "Tubthumping"? Is nothing out of limits... Oh. That song is "Keitzad Mirakdim Lifnei HaKala"? I thought it was "Lecha Dodi." I even corrected them at the wedding. I told them we sing that song Friday nights. Not for the newlyweds... Because of our Chazin misappropriating every Jewish song. 
We need regular tunes to the songs. I even had to ask why the Beach Boys are singing "Dror Yikra"...
Join the army and then you can use whatever tunes... Do that Mi Shebeiyrach for Tzahal tune for Mi Shebeiyrach for Tzahal. Not "Naaritzcha" or whatever it is. I can't say I know...

We can all fight in some way for the army of H’ by being nice. By fighting for Shalom in our people. That is our fight now. That and Hamas. And Iran. And everybody on college campuses, and everybody who hates Jews, your neighbors... There are a lot of people that hate us. I didn't realize is was that many. I thought it was only had to fight against the board...

I am not supporting violent Hellos. Just Hellos... 
If you’re not joining in this battle, if you are not there with your nation (32:23) “you will have sinned to H’, and know your sin that will find you.” This congregation found me, and I take blame for that.
The new family found us... We can’t stand the new family. The Markowitzs. I have to agree. You don’t say Hi. You think it’s cool to ignore people. The one thing our congregation does is not ignore people. Our congregants get in your face, ask about your family, and make you want to kill yourself. The one positive Mayla of our membership is we know everything about you...
If you’re going to be here, say Hi. at least talk... Now you talk. First time you talk to anybody, when I’m giving a sermon... I thought you were fine being snobby... You pass people and don’t say Hi. How do you expect people to take it? Reuven and Gad wanting to stay on the other side of the Jordan. How do you think our people going to battle would take it?!...
It's the unfriendliness that causes a disconnect amongst our people. How can you go to battle with your brothers if you don't even say Hi to them?!... 
You are the reason for Tisha BAv. Lashon Hara. You cause it. It's your not telling Samantha every single thing about your kids and how your cousins are doing, at Kiddish...
I understand it's easier to stay away and enjoy Shabbat, not saying Hi to the other members here. I wish I could. But I go to battle every day against the congregants here...

And now the Torah can go over all the travels of the Jewish people. Now that everything is understood. That we all have to fight for our people...
Nothing here is ever understood. That's why we never have shul trips. The last trip to Slide and Fun as a shul was the most horrendous display of non-unity. When Avromy knocks over Shimmy for a horse on springs... The horse doesn't move. The springs are so hard...
Sinning to your people is sinning to H'.
And sometimes you have to fight. Which is why I am saying that the Chazin has to calm down with his songs. And you all have to greet people correctly... Then you will be part of the nation, and not sinning like you always do...

Once the battle is over, OK. You can go back to being selfish. Being congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, singing "Naaritzcha" for every Jewish song. But when your people are fighting, you go out there. If you are with your people at those moments, you are vindicated.
And I know we've fought some battles with members. And yes, they keep coming back. Some battles never end...
May we all merit to be safe from congregants who ruin Kiddish, and a Chazin who ruins every Jewish song for me.
And may we finally get a little Kosher restaurant here, so we can say this is Jewish. What kind of Jews have nowhere to eat...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi made everybody line up, and he coached them one by one, how to greet each other properly. In the middle of the sermon. He started with the handshake, then the look into the other person's eyes, then the part where you say "I have no idea what tune the Chazin is singing."
He then held a class on greeting people correctly, according to Halacha. There was a lot of debate as to whether the greeting should be Good Shabbis, Good Shabbat or Shabbat Shalom. The rabbi squashed the debate, and said, "It's Tuesday. Just say 'Hello.'"

I think the rabbi put telling Bernie to shut up on the same level of importance as fighting for the State of Israel and the Jewish people.

The rabbi listed the good members of our congregation whose kids are serving in the IDF. He also listed all the kids who are in college and working as professionals, who bring no Nachis. And that included the Chazin.

The rabbi wants a good Tisha BAv. He wants to enjoy it this year. He truly gets Hana’ah, enjoyment, out of mourning.

Fran called 911 when she saw Nachum and Zev say "Hi." She got scared. Asked why there is gang violence in the shul. Fran said she carries her phone on Shabbat for emergencies. She said she drives her car on Shabbat for emergencies too. Just in case she has to get to the hospital, or pick up some groceries. I would put my money on it that Fran would call 911 to help with her groceries.
The rabbi was saying the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed because people injured each other by saying "Hello" with too strong of a grip.
I am happy I am a woman, I think a guy Hello might injure me.

It does get confusing when we misappropriate every American song. Even Jewish songs. The liberal members of our congregation started holding up “We shall not misappropriate Naaritzcha songs” signs.
One member held a sign saying “Give "Yankee Doodle" back to its rightful owners."

There are a lot of people that hate us. The rabbi was going to say the fight is only with those close to us. Because they are very violent with how they say Hello and herring. It turned out that almost every nation hates us. Not just the members at our shul.

The Markowitzs passed me without saying "Hi." We're not talking about passing my house. We're talking about in shul. Two hours after they met me, they already feel that we are close enough that they can ignore me.

The rabbi gave the class on how to say hello to people. He also showed how a no look pass by might be taken as unfriendly, and might cost an invite to a Bat Mitzvah. Which is why the Markowitzs probably do it. They don't want anybody to like them. They don't want to have to go to Simchas.

(Devarim 20:10) When waging war against a city, "propose a peaceful settlement." Which is why we have Efrat, Karnei Shomron, Chamonaim... Along with Beit El and other Yishuvim, there are not many other ideas for a peaceful settlement with those trying to kill us. And thank you for allowing me to be political with our puns today.

Shmuel says (Bava Kama 113a) Dinah Dmalchuta Dinah, “The law of the land is the law.” As such, tax evasion is Asur... Never ask your rabbi a question your accountant can answer.
And this is why I don’t talk to Shmuel anymore. He will kill a decent investment. 

Peninei Halacha (Zemanim 8:6:2-3) says that bathing is allowed during the Three Weeks. So, no excuse for the kids in camp smelling like that.

During the Nine Days we don’t remodel our homes, plant trees for shade or fragrance, or weave clothes... Things you never do, you don’t do during the Nine Days. All the sudden, we're mourning and you're thinking, "I need a new chandelier. A nice lighting fixture would've looked good in the Beit HaMikdash... Now is a good time to weave. Why have I been buying my shirts at Kohl’s? I am going to take up weaving.” I have never seen a Jew plant a tree for shade. I have never seen a Jew weave, other than my aunt who makes amazing quilts. This must be talking about hiring people. Otherwise, there is no reason for this Halacha. And I have never heard of anybody remodeling their home and telling the town they did it. There are certain things you don't tell "the land."
And you don't launder clothes or wear fresh outer clothing. I've seen these kids at summer camp. They're disgusting. There is no way they’re wearing laundered clothes.

Israel has messed up with world opinion. We get blamed for everything. We've got to garner better. We're garnering nothing. Ungarnered. (pause for laughs- because a Seinfeld voice was used)
Something is wrong. We're getting blamed for Hamas! (pause for laughs)
Hamas shoots their people for trying to eat. It's Jews. (pause for laughter) They slaughter babies and somehow "Israel's at it again." (pause for laughs- this should get a huge one) We give birth to Gazans. We get blamed. (not sure if there is a pause or not- pause after each of the next ones) Wildfires? Jews. Hurricane Milton? Jews. Stub toe? It's the Jews. (POV toe getting jammed) “The Israelis. How did that chair get there?! It was the Zionists!”
Milton??? Jewish. You're going to tell me Milton not Jewish?!
(pause- see what happens- gauge audience- maybe the death and murder comedy flow tickle the funny bone here) 

How are we looking bad?! (make sure I'm performing with my Yarmulke - so they can associate me as the one to blame me for the atrocities)
They have cartoons about how to kill the Jewish devil. Their kindergartners are blaming us. (pause for laughs- maybe just leave the "pause for laughs" out of the script- pause for laughs after each sentence- that should be understood) Cartoons of suicide bombers. We're getting blamed for animation. The Simpsons. That's our fault. (pause for laughs- I needed that there, as I don't want to forget to pause) We're blamed for educating kids to kill us. What society pushes propaganda on kids to kill them? Israel's Ministry of Education is putting out curriculum, "If two Zionists are killed by a preschooler, how many Zionist devils have you killed?" Israel's Ministry cares about these kids and their schooling. You want them to develop a good base in mathematics. Something they can connect to. Like killing Jews. 
I can understand a society educating kids to blow themselves up. (nuanced line- make sure sarcasm is understood- leave this line out if people are on the spectrum- if they are LGBTQ+ supporters they will empathize with this sentiment in support of Palestinian education and culture)

That guy's like, "I didn't kill anybody." Don't worry. If it's a Zionist, you're OK.

Murder. Rape. And somehow we look bad.
This is dark. There must be a reason not many comedians go for the rape zingers. (maybe don't pause here- depends on the crowd- if they're feminists they might might be on the floor here)

We're getting blamed for everything.
Bibi is somehow behind every... "Bibi. Free the hostages." Bibi is now hiding the hostages in his mansion. Somehow, he's leading Hamas.
There’s a leak in a tunnel. "Somebody get Bibi. What's with this guy?! How does he expect us to watch hostages in these conditions?!" 
"Bibi is ruining Gazan elementary schools. Him and his new idea of not killing Zionist devils. This guy is crazy. Murderer!!!"

Suicide bombing, that’s on us. How?! "Another Palestinian dead. You see."
And that's another eighty on the Gazan Death Toll report. (pause for laughs- don't say "pause for laughs"- just pause)
Is suicide bombers a better topic? I'm not good at choosing topics for humor. My bit about child abuse didn't go over last week. I was thinking about fast food. But that doesn't tickle the funny bone nowadays like torturing Jews.
 
Americans believe this stuff. (POV American) "It's the Gazans' truth." This is "their truth" as fact. "You're judgmental." Nothing is worse than being judgmental. You can slaughter innocent children... Don't be judgmental.
I can't win that argument. "You're being very judgmental. It's not right to fight people, just because they're trying to torture and rape you. Eating dinner while gouging out eyes. That's just what they do. Slicing off limbs is Gazan culture. You shouldn't judge." (pause to see if people leave- know the audience to see if the sarcasm catches them here)

Raid on Entebbe. Our fault. "Why do you think that happened? Because Jews were on the flight. Jews aren't flying, that's not happening." 
They’re even mad at the Iron dome. "The patriots?! And you say Israel isn’t shooting missiles?!" "They're shooting those patriots all the time. Daily." “You remember when it was so much easier to kill the Jews.” “I miss those days. Didn't have to drain resources.” "And now they're making a big stink about hostages... Who cares? They're Jewish. Exactly." Now that's better comedy. Not as dark.

If you're not laughing, it's because of Bibi.
I don't mean to offend. I don't think rape is fine. I might be wrong here. But I don't associate with the feminist movement.

***See university article, bomb shelters, myths for this stuff fleshed out in different ways. And check out next Stand-up Transcript for more on death tolls and how Jews are the reason for everything, including the bad Easter chocolate eggs that come with nothing on the inside. And the reason kids choke on toys when eating Kinder.

Announcements
No Simcha Kiddish this week. It’s the Three Weeks. We understand how happy you are, living in America. Nonetheless, it was your lack of decent Kugel that destroyed the Temple.
 
From now on, congregants should not pass by people’s homes without knocking on the door and saying Hi. It’s offensive. Like you don’t want to see them. Like you are protesting, letting them know you don't want to see that family.

We want to commend the Berksteins on their family’s ability to look depressed and not happy. You are greatly spiritual in your depression.
 
The Tisha BAv program this year is the movie Happy Gilmore. As it is tradition to screen a movie on Tisha BAv, we shall continue that tradition.
We also want to thank the greater Topeka Jewish community for organizing the Jewish Film Festival during the Nine Days. If we didn't have some decent Jewish romcoms, we might have been a little down, due to the destruction of the Temples.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Be Happy By Joining Our Shul- Lessons in Spirituality and Hatred of Members. Mourning By Having to Deal with Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah- After the Nine Days Should the Rabbi Still Have to Deal With You. How to Knock on Doors and Bother People When They Don’t Want to See You- Board Advice. How to Keep Chipper During the Nine Days By Watching Movies about Family Trips. How Our Synagogue Turned the Berksteins to H'.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
I don’t know why nobody names their daughter Chaglah. Noa, Milkah and Tirzah. I’ve see those. Even Machlah gets a name. They'd rather name their daughter “Disease” than Chaglah...
(Bamidbar 27:6-7) H’ says to listen to the daughters of Tzalfchad and girls should receive land if they have no brothers... Brothers do kill everything. Look at Junior Congregation. The Plotnik kids... We listen to women when they complain. But not the sisterhood, whose only goal is to not have an enjoyable Kiddish...

But it’s more. (Bamidbar 27:8-11) There is a list of the tiers of who gets the land of inheritance, and it ends with the closest thing to family.... You're not considered the closest when you get them to sign over their bank account to you. Good question, and reason for loving your parents... And you don’t even show up to funerals. You can care less about previous generations. You just want to take.

We don’t just pass on the land to the next generation. (Bamidbar 27:15-17) Moshe is going to die. He asks H’ to ensure there will be a leader... Yehoshua. Sorry, I didn’t want to give away the story... Well. Yes. You should know that Yehoshua is the leader after Moshe... Then read the Torah in English. There is a whole book in Neviim about Yehoshua leading the Jews... Ruchele is a decent leader. I do not believe H' voted her in as president of the shul... Our shul is not divine. I did not say, "H'. We need a new president..."
Our congregants don't learn the tradition, and you have ruined every old house. Every decent home is now infested with this generation... Of course there is no foundation, you don't even put in new gutters. The water... Yes. The water of strife is killing your homes. Fighting over who the house belongs to... When there is no tradition, you fight and you get a house like the Finkelmans, all infested...

Moshe is thinking of his people. Not the money... It’s amazing how our previous generations thought about how they will pass on the tradition. Our peoplehood. How to ensure that at the least, their future generations will have a decent Kiddish.

We pass on tradition... Sometimes through land. You wanted your parents to go so you could inherit... I don't think the laws of Yerushah hold the same weight in Topeka.
Progeny is about understanding our past and what we come from.... You don’t just take the land. You remorse. You mourn for our loss as a people. You think about how we ended up with members like Bernie and... The Beit HaMikdash was a loss. And I don’t think it was because there were no Chaglahs...

This is why the one time of year of mourning, and you're all having a blast. I've never seen you guys so happy. The only time you want a Simcha Kiddish is now. The only time you celebrate is when the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed... “Our people are being massacred. Let’s celebrate now”...
Stop it Shmuli. You wouldn’t even sponsor Kiddish if we had it. Stop trying to look good now, Shmuli... All the sudden Shmuli is willing to throw a huge party for the whole shul, for Tisha BAv. You wouldn't even spend on a Kiddish. Not even Kichel... If Mashiach comes, you will find a way for him to cover the Kiddish...

Tradition is not to speak Lashon Hara... I know your parents and your parents' parents spoke Lashon Hara. Tradition is to get along. To be kind... Well. Then sometimes we're not supposed to follow tradition. Point is the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed because we didn't get along and you're all passing the Feldowitz home...
You're offending the Feldowitzs. You all walk past their house and they think everyone is mad at them... Well that's what it looks like... Then at least wave.
Do not knock on my door. The rabbi doesn’t want you knocking on his door. I am not offended when you don’t stop by my house. I am bothered when I have to see you...
So nobody wants anybody at their home?! I'm the rabbi. For me it's a job to have to deal with you. Very painful...
So nobody wants anybody in their home. Hachansat Orchim is off in this congregation. Walking past the Feldowitz house has killed the idea of having guests. It's the board's fault. Making that dumb announcement of stopping by the Feldowitz Mishpuchi, who doesn't even offer coffee.
Worst advice. Knocking on People's doors. This is what we deal with in board meetings. Dumb ideas. And then they turn into programs and people moving away, just to get away from our membership. Worried they'll have to see our members during the week...

Again. No brothers. No understanding of progeny and getting along. No understanding that Yerusha, inheritance, is something people want to keep for themselves...
The Berksteins are closer to H’ than you all. They are more devout.... Because they do not smile. They did not get any Yerusha... Looking down means you're closer to Gd...
They used to smile. And then they started coming to shul. They saw the kids at Junior Congregation and the Feldowitz family. They had Kiddish put together by our sisterhood...
Spirituality is when you are not happy. When you don't have parties during the Three Weeks. When you don't have movie-a-thons during the Nine Days.
If you were spiritual, you would also not look happy... One day to become more spiritual is to have more of our members pop over and knock on your door to say Hi...

It’s about respect. Doing things the right way. The way our ancestors did it. Delis. Not smokehouses... That is when we’re deserving of...
I understand we’ve shown movies every year on Tisha BAv, but Happy Gilmore... I know Adam Sandler is Jewish. And we can mourn intermarriage... But it's always been a screening of Schindler’s List. It’s not any movie you see on Netflix... The fact that you all walk out saying, "It was such a good movie."

You're loving the Three Weeks... It's between the bad times. That's what time it is. I know Shabbat with you all is not good times. The days between Shabbat in this community are between the bad times... Shabbat is great times, when you are with a sisterhood that makes a decent Kugel and people aren't all knocking on the rabbi's door... The Three Weeks is the national bad times. And our board would've destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. Our Jewish Community Committee would've also... It's the bad times, even with Happy Gilmore and a Simcha Kiddish...
Don't get me started on the film festival. What idiots. Organizing it during the Nine Days. Any excuse to not mourn. The greater Jewish community of Topeka now does Shivas as a program. One day. A Seven Minute Shiva...
All selfish. All about your own enjoyment.

Moshe wants to ensure the people don't enjoy too much... Because then you get kicked out of the land, Bernie. The reason I'm still here is I do not enjoy it.
Moshe appoints Yehoshua in front of the people... Because you people question everything. The board is still getting questions as to whether or not I was hired. I had to post the contract on the shul bulletin as proof...
(Bamidbar 27:23) “And he put his hands on him and commanded him, as H’ had spoken through Moshe”... H’ did command Moshe to put the hands on Yehoshua...
Yes. Moshe put his hands on Yehoshua. He didn’t smack Yehoshua. It wasn’t a fight in front of all the people. He leaned his hands on him. That is Smicha... It wasn't like Mr. Feldowitz, when he ran after Gershman to whack him for passing by his house...
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein teaches that hands on a head force one to lower their head. A student has to follow his rabbi, therefore the head is bent. It is the bending of the head that symbolizes following. Rabbis have to be subservient to their rebbes’ teachings. And I believe Rabbi Feinstein said this to everybody who got Smicha from him... Be subservient to Torah. Tradition... Moshe's last name was not Feinstein. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein did not lead us out of Mitzrayim. Moshe’s last name was Son of Amram... They didn't have last names back then. You had to describe, "Oh. The Moshe with the curly hair. The one that wears the pleated pants. Yeah. That one." “You mean Amram’s son.”

It is the passing of tradition. That's why you keep a home in the family... Portion. You keep the portion in the family... Not cake. A portion... And this is why it is so important that land remain with the families, even if girls asked.
Reading the Torah and knowing who Yehoshua is part of that. You should not get your parents' stuff without knowing who Yehoshua is...

Rivka's Rundown
You have to be an idiot to ask our rabbi what he meant when he said Yehoshua. Every sermon has the lesson. You have to follow Torah, and this shul is full of a bunch of fools.
And the Tzelafchad explanation. They should've never asked the rabbi to explain what the daughters of Tzelafchad wanted a portion of. The rabbi trying to explain that the portion wasn't a bigger serving of soup, added an extra twenty minutes to the sermon. It then took another thirteen minutes for people to agree on how to spell Tzelafchad. Which ended up on them deciding to spell it in Hebrew.

The women started complaining about the rabbi saying that we learn from the daughters of Tzelafchad that we listen to women when they complain. The rabbi was in a catch 22. He had no idea how to respond to that complaint.
I think the rabbi said that even Gd didn’t want to hear the girls going off. He gave in just to not have to hear them anymore.

The rabbi started giving Yerusha tests, to decide if people should receive their inheritance, due to connection to our past. People ended up finally learning Torah in our shul. All it took was inheritance. 
To note, we did a congregational study. It turns out that once people receive their inheritance, they stop coming to shul. This is why parents don't give the Yerusha to their children while they're alive.

Our congregants have the worst timing. The fact that they're planning a shotgun wedding for Michael and Sarah before Tisha BAv is crazy.
The rabbi is correct. It’s all the people who never sponsor Kiddish that are screaming about it not having the Simcha Kiddish now. Because they know it won't happen, they are saying they're willing to pay for it. It was the same when it came to paying for day school. Every one of our members was willing to pay full tuition to the Jewish elementary day school when their kids were in college. Somehow, the day school did not accept university students. To look good, some of these shnurers even complained that their kids were qualified, and would do well in the fifth grade.
Now everybody is praying for Mashiach, so that we will have a huge Kiddish they don't have to pay for. This is what our congregants have been pining for. Choolante that is covered by Gd's messenger eternally.

The rabbi maintains that if the sisterhood made a decent Kugel, the Beit Hamikdash would've been rebuilt.
What respect for progeny and tradition has to do with people walking through my house, I do not know. I would also rather see families walk by.

The Feldowitz home is in the wrong spot. They can see everybody passing. You can’t read into everybody walking by your home. Now, you can’t go for a Shpatzir without the Feldowitzs feeling slighted.
The truth is that everybody goes to the Hermans. They walk past the Feldowitzs to go to the Hermans. The Hermans give you coffee and Danish. People don't like the Feldowitzs. I don't even think they like the Hermans. But they do like a decent cheese Danish and coffee.
Now people walk an extra half mile to get to shul, so that Simi Feldowitz doesn’t get offended.
People ended up moving away because of the board’s ordinance of friendliness. It turns out most people don’t want stop bys. Other than the Feldowitzs, people appreciate seeing people pass their home. It turns out that people have anxiety attacks and worry that they might have to see other members during the week.
Petitions were signed. Now there is a list of people you can’t say Hi to. People you have to stay away from due to the threat of you waving at them when passing their homes.
There were restraining orders. People now don’t have Shabbis guests.

People have now started hiding when people passed their homes. Hiding when I'm passing your home is more offensive than not stopping in. Seeing them through the window, shutting the shade real fast because they see me. That hurts. I am going to propose the no shutting shades ordinance next board meeting.

The Berksteins don’t smile. They are truly devout. I see them with their eyes closed too. They squint a lot. Very devout people. They must walk like that.

The rabbi hates the greater Jewish community more than our shul. He said that to some of the people after services on Shabbis. Those were the kindest words the rabbi has ever said to our membership. It was touching. I think the exact words were, "I couldn't believe it. Topeka has greater heretics than you."
A Jewish Film Festival for when Jews aren't supposed to watch Films. The federation is saying, "That's makes it Jewish."
It was the timing of the film festival, during the Jewish mourning period, that triggered the rabbi. He stood outside and let everybody know how wrong it was. He even protested the Israeli movies. That just looked bad. The Hamas supporters started hugging the rabbi, thanking him for helping in their cause of BDS. The New York Times somehow got hold of this, and put our rabbi on their cover.

It is a hot summer, and I am here to help. Summers get hot, which is why some say to skip it. Nonetheless, for the foreseeable future, there will be summers.
As an American Jew, I have tried to figure out ways to stay out of the sun. I even moved to Israel. That didn't help. Even so, I try.
For you, I spent time in The Mountains, The Catskills, to study the Jewish community’s techniques for staying out of the sun. The Frum American community of Ashkenazik descent has discovered countless instruments for sun defense, and fair skin preservation. And now, as a pale Jew, I bring you my findings.
 
The Baseball Hat Technique
Used by Jews to ward off anti-Semites, this sun protection device doubles as a Kippah decoy. You’re already wearing a head covering, might as well be a baseball hat. Truth be told, a baseball hat is a yarmulke with a visor.
According to many, Hank Greenberg is the greatest Jewish hitter of all time. But who’s to say Hank Aaron is not Jewish? And Dave Parker? Real name, David Parker. Probably put on the baseball hat to hide from anti-Semites. Is Joseph DiMaggio Jewish? I can't tell you. But I wouldn't be surprised if his real last name is Dimagkowitz. The answer to these questions and more can be seen in my new book, Those Who Hid Their Religion Under a Baseball Hat.
Joseph Ortiz, need I say more.
 
Huge Umbrella Placement
Go to the beach and find shade. It's almost impossible. Hence you bring an umbrella. With a huge umbrella you can go to the beach and not have to experience the beach. It’s the best of both worlds.
During the summer we use gigantic umbrellas. Tradition is to use small umbrellas in the fall. There is less sun in the fall. We can deal with rain. In rain, you wear a bathing suit.
Be careful with your huge umbrella. They’re hard to carry. I tried carrying one myself, and the wind took me. Walking groups have developed in many communities for this reason.
You’ll see women walking together. This is just in case sun comes out and they need to transport an umbrella safely.
 
Wet Towel Meothod
I don’t know what wetting the towel does for sun protection. However, it definitely keeps you colder for much longer when you come out of the pool. Pneumonia will also keep you out of the sun.
 
Wide Brimmed Fedora
Style is about a bigger brim. I don’t understand people who go to the beach with thin brims. If you’re going to block out the sun, wear a Borsalino with some body on it.
 
A Hat with a Flimsy Brim and Anything You Can Find Technique
You take any hat, then you add a cross between a net and a towel, and some kind of material on the back of it, so your neck doesn’t get burned and you can’t see. You don’t want your eyes getting hit by the sun either.
People add whatever they can once they are wearing a fully brimmed floppy hat. Once they wear the floppy brim, they accept that sun safety is of upmost importance. A sunburn will not happen, nor will meeting a potential spouse.
Once you’re free from the burdens of style, you can add anything you want. I’ve seen pillows, blankets, placemats. Whatever people can carry on their head to protect them from the sun is acceptable. I've seen many with kitchenware.

Winter Clothes Method
Layers. They always say you want to wear layers. Hence, Frum Jews wear layers during the summer. We are very good at taking instruction.
Winter clothes during the summer works as a natural sunscreen. You also look better in winter clothes. People always look so heavy during the summer in short sleeves and bathing suits. Layers will help you look like the one Frum guy who's in shape at the pool.
In addition, with a sweater you take off more weight in the sun. This helps with the summer svelte figure you’ve been working on. Now you can show up to shul at the bungalow, looking slender in the Bekishe, Shtreimel and scarf. Even more, you save money, focusing on one wardrobe.
If you're not sweating, the sun will get you.

Squint System
Devout people squint. Good Jews don’t wear sunglasses. They squint.

Go Out at Night
Do everything during the evening and squint. The street lights can have a sunlike affect.
Stay up all night and pray at sunrise. Usually, it’s the devout that pray Shacharit at this time. During the summer, it’s those trying to stay out of the heat.

Don't Picnic Technique
Also known as The Eat Inside Method, and The I Would Rather Not Have Flies on My Pastrami System, you won't get sunburned in your den.
I didn’t witness one picnic amongst Jews. Picnicking is the easiest way to burn yourself while eating, sitting outdoors. You might as well eat straight off a grill. How people are eating with a huge umbrella in hand is another thing I am trying to figure out.
As there is no way to enjoy your food while holding up a huge umbrella, there is no way to not get burnt while eating on the ground. When Frum Jews eat on vacation, we wait till we find the pizza shop. There is no sun there. And if they're a classy pizza place, they put out the Italian picnic decorative cloth. Italians seem to like the feeling of picnicking

Mid-Article Education Moment
The Don’t Picnic Technique developed because Jews like eating off tables, and not on bed sheets. We have to save the bed sheets for under flimsy hat placement.
Good Jews like chairs detached from tables. If we have a table, we don’t want it being attached to a bench. We want to be able to sit. The foot hole to get your body into the picnic bench is unattainable for the religious Jew. It takes too much stretching and agility. That's not something we work on. At the Tish, the only movement is the forward backward sway, while holding onto another's arms, just in case you fall. I myself never took acrobatics at Yeshivat Chofetz Chaim all boys high school.
 
Do Not Exercise
Why walk when you can get a sunburn, which is very not healthy.
The No Movement Technique for avoiding the sun is the healthiest. And you’re already getting a good shvitz from the winter clothes.

I hope you learned as much as I did from studying my Jewish brethren and sisteren in The Catskills. Now, I shall make it through the summer. Hopefully, this will help you make it through the Israel winter. You might need more sun protection for that.
If there is one important takeaway of value, it's how Jewish women formed walking groups to ensure there was help with carrying the huge umbrellas.
 
I will try to help with more techniques next year. 

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the Siddur holders at shul and people who love Israel, while supporting the idea of Jews not being happy with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new diet technique of using a spoon that is too small to hold food.

Announcements
This Sunday is the 17th of Tamuz. On this day, Moshe broke the tablets, the Jews had to stop the daily sacrifice in the Temple, Apostomos burned a Torah, an idol was placed in the Temple, and the walls of Jerusalem were breached in 69CE. Please don’t cause any other tragedies for our people. We understand you’re members of our shul and the reason people hate Jews.
 
We ask Nachum uses suntan lotion. It’s painful to have to see him all sunburned. We ask he speaks to his dermatologist before boating.
 
The Simchovitz Zayde’s Yahrzeit is this week. He was a good man. He did a lot of good for the community. His children haven’t even donated a Kiddish.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: The Reality of Connecting to Our People's Sorrows By Spending Time with Our Congregants. How to Put Your Life at Risk on a Boat By Being Pale- Like Nachum. How to Get Every Older Woman in Shul to Worry About You- Like Nachum. How to Connect to Your Ashkenazi Roots- Like Nachum. How to Get Everybody to Hate You and Cause More Exile By Not Sponsoring Kiddish.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They truly do hate us even when we are good... I am not referring to our congregants. I am referring to our people. There's reason to not like the board as well...
Like the donkey who says to Bilam (Bamidbar 22:28-30) “Why did you strike me... Have I not been your donkey forever? Have I ever acted like this?” They blame us for stuff. Have we ever been accustomed to violence? Have we ever... Other than trying to get a good deal, what has our people done? That and the membership of our shul...
At that point, shocked that his donkey would have the Chutzpah to talk to him like that, Bilam backs down. Sometimes, we have to questions ourselves. Our decisions. We have to not blame others. We have to take blame for our children... Sending them away is a way to deal with it as well. The children are not here right now, and that's what matters. Let's focus on that Bracha...

Bilam shouldn’t have gone to curse the Jews, as Balak wanted. But Bilam’s ego got in the way. The same way the Michel's ego got in the way when he pushed Bernie over to pull out the Torah himself... You weren't even called up. You ran up to the Aron and pulled it out. You also got an Aliyah that you weren't called up for that day. You were possessed. If you would've just been decent at ping pong, your ego would've been satiated. Bernie would've taken out the Torah... And yes. We do now have a ping pong committee... It wasn't your Aliyah. Your Michel Avraham Ben Simcha HaKohen. It was the fourth Aliyah...

Bilam is now with Balak and he goes off to hear from H’. Balak wants Bilam to curse the Jews. Balak was diplomatic. Political leaders can't do that themselves. They have to find other people to do it for them. Which is how we have the EU. He tells Balak that he can only say what Gd tells him. This is how you get out of trouble. You say "H' made me say it." Do you know how many times I got smacked for cursing out my teachers as a child, and then blaming it on H'? I believe you have to be older to be inspired by H'. You can tell somebody they're ugly "because Gd says so," once you're in your fifties. 
(Bamidbar 23:5) "H’ puts words in Bilam’s mouth and He says, 'Return to Balak, and thus shall you speak.'" "Thus" is not my words. Did H' speak ancient English? I do not know. 
The words are not revealed until Bilam is in front of Balak again. For some reason Bilam couldn't be trusted. The same way you can't trust the board. 

(Bamidbar23:7-12) Beautiful words of blessing and solidarity come out of Bilam’s mouth. Balak doesn’t like it. But he is speaking words of Gd. Many people don't like the word of Gd. It kills their day.
Bilam is possessed by money here. Money and fame. His ego gets in the way of our following H'... If the board would've let H' speak, He would've said, "Give the rabbi a raise. Let him vacation. Let him enjoy not seeing you"... They would've heard H' say, "These people are idiots."

When we are not influenced by our ego, pure words come out. Blessing. Words that I have not heard spoken at Kiddish. "That was a good Kugel"... I have never heard anybody say that, because not one of our members can make a decent Kugel.
Not one meeting for the renovations of the shul has had H’ involved... You chose a water slide over a Torah... It’s not about being the popular shul. It's about H' and listening to what He is saying... H' didn't say to have a Bouncie Bima. He didn't say to have the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Lazy River... Thank Gd we got rid of it. It took a half hour to get from the Bima to the ark after Torah reading...

When Bilam is looking over the Jewish camp, you think he’s thinking "they’re cool." "Those are the people I want to hang with. Davening Mincha. A bunch of with it people. I want to sit at their table. They even have that Matzah stuff"... That's how they used to talk. "With it" is how you say a ninety-year-old still has a personality... You have a low standard of awakeness. Like Bernie is awake for a couple minutes of Davening. He's old. So, he's with it. If he was thirty, we would be calling the paramedics... Truth is Michel saved us. Why is Bernie taking out the Torah. He might fall asleep when opening the ark...
Thank Gd Bilam didn't see Camp Menashe Himmel in the Catskills. He would've said, "The Jewish people are bad athletes."

When you are pure and don't have the ego in the way, you don't blame. You praise. Purity of thought. No congregants...
Our congregants have the reputation. We can judge them. They cause tragedy. Curse. Not Bracha... I don’t know if it’s ego. Maybe it’s just stupidity. Lack of hearing H’...
It's the ego. That's how you make your dumb decisions... It's because you don't listen to me...

What happened in the WNBA this week? Tragedy. Caitlin Clark got hit again... It might have been because our congregants are fans... Turns into a curse for Caitlin. The shul trip to watch her play in Chicago is going to be painful...
The renovations committee. A total tragedy. Our shul was destroyed. Didn't even need Bilam... It was not listening to H'. Making ego decisions like a bigger Aron. How big of a Torah do you plan to get, that you need a twenty-five-foot-high ark?! Our congregants can't even lift the one-and-a-half-foot Torah...

Nachum. You’re just not good looking. Always wear something on you... The burns all over you. Ouch. It hurts having to see you... Gardening? Were you gardening on a stove?
My pure thoughts say Nachum doesn’t think... If you thought, you would've worn a hat... The big red thing on the top of your head... If you gardened without an ego, you woud've heard H' saying, "There is sun right now. It's the middle of the summer"...
Point is that Bilam would've even worn a hat... He wouldn't have joined our people for Matzah. This isn't jail. Benjy thinks this is the whole joining Kosher because you're in jail thing...

Your Zayde was a good man Mr. Simchovitz. You guys. That’s a different story... It was a different time. Jews were good people back then. They were kind. They listened to H'. They listened to their rabbi... It's ego to not sponsor Kiddish. H' would've said, "Serve an excellent Kugel that people will like. Something not made by the Sisterhood."

Good people who used to have purity. Before social media. A time when Lashon Hara was pure. When people meant it. That's what Balak wanted from Bilam.
If we put our egos down and let H’s words come out, it is words of blessing... Yes. Torah. Pinchas. And holiness. What else would it be. Lord of the Rings?! Are those H’s words???!... Lord of the rings is not the one to listen to. It's not Gd.

Of course, Bilam gets out a bit of a curse later on. You can always find a way to curse the Jews. Anti-Semites have an uncanny ability... Even when we’re not talking about our membership at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, an anti-Semite will find it. I feel like cursing somebody. Right now, looking out at the shul. Even right before Yud Zayin Tamuz....

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi just used the whole Bilam story to let the congregants know how much he can't stand them, by saying what he says is what Gd wants. If I'm not mistaken, H' wants us to give the rabbi a raise and to let him go on vacation. He also wants Samantha to stop chewing gum in shul, and for Max to stop coughing. And for Bernie to not talk. H' also wants to get rid of the board. He wants no committees too.

So many bad decisions have been made in the congregation due to ego.
Nobody looks at our shul and thinks we're cool. We will never get people coming here to be part of the popular crowd. We are dependent on spirituality for membership. That's how big of losers we are. The rabbi even taught people how to close their eyes to look more penitent in shul, and shut up.

If Bilam would've seen our congregation and the camp our kids go to, he would've been cursing. If he got charged how much we have to pay for camp nowadays, he would've been cursing. And H' would've supported it.

Benjy is still living with a jail mentality. Just got out for the fifth time. I don't know why we let him in the shul. He just got locked up again for grand larceny. And the rabbi gives him the code. They even voted him as the Gabai for next year. That's how much nobody wants to be Gabai. Why Benjy doesn't steal smaller items, I don't get it. But the rabbi trusts him with the Torah.

Michel is truly bad at ping pong. Once his ego got hit, he got possessed. He ran with the Torah. They thought he was stealing it. He was just running with it because his ego got shot in ping pong. Hence, he didn't listen to H' and he got tackled by Benjy. Benjy won't let anybody else steal anything.
One bad decision and that's it. Ego gets in the way, you knock over a ninety-year-old, and you lose your job managing a nursing home.

There is a ping pong committee. It started as a club. But it was in shul so the board voted and said they had to call it a committee. You have to have a committee for everything in our shul now. The napkins committee voted on cheaper napkins. Now we have those wax style napkins at Kiddish and people are just rubbing the food from one side of their face to the other.
What has the ping pong committee done? They've played ping pong. Have they discussed ping pong? As a committee they have to host a requisite two hour meeting every month, where they discuss playing ping pong.
The committees are more of a discussion group. They're book clubs for people who don't read. By the way, in shul, we have a book committee who changes over the Siddurs when the holidays come around. 

Thank Gd we got rid of the water park idea. They brought in a slip and slide to the sanctuary and used that as the lazy river around to test out the concept. 
The water park and bouncy shul idea did draw people. None of them were Jewish. B"H, we didn't take entrance on Shabbat. So, nobody was wearing a bathing suit in the sanctuary. Even the Simchovitz family, those heretics who can't get us a Kiddish. would've been offended by bathing suits. Mark did suggest that bathing suits should be allowed in the sanctuary, as they are suits.
Point the rabbi was making is it's not just about drawing people. It's about what H' wants. Based on the feedback and support of the young families with kids we're trying to draw, H' does seem to want a bouncy themed temple.

The rabbi sees having to deal with congregants as a tragedy. They ask him when a Bris should be, that’s a tragedy. What time Davening is, it's a tragedy. I think he is extremely frustrated with us. I think any member of our shul is a tragedy. A reason to hate Jews.
I think I understand the rabbi. The renovations committee is messed up. They are the reason the Beit Hamikdash was destroyed. It was their decisions.

Nachum was gardening this week. He should hibernate during the summer. The guy burns when he walks to shul.

We need more Zaydes in the congregation, to tell the parents they’re doing stuff wrong.
The Simchovitz have given nothing to the shul. Other than joining the renovations committee and insisting that they be on the demolition sub-committee. Why we need a sub-committee to decide a second time to destroy the place makes no sense. They just better not destroy the bouncy house. The bouncy house is what draws people to shul.
Even there, on the renovations sub-committee, they destroy what their dad built. 

I have never seen the rabbi as passionate about a class, as he was when he gave the Shiur for the Three Weeks, Bein HaMetzarim, on The Reality of Connecting to Our People's Sorrows By Spending Time with Our Congregants.

It's almost Tisha BAv, and we are coming on the Three Weeks. It's time we look at bettering our community and ourselves, so we can rebuild the Temple. And the only way we can do this is with politicians. 
To rebuild the Beit Hamikdash we could focus on construction. But let's not. That takes a lot of effort. It's easier to work on our Midot, our character traits. And for that, we look to our politicians. As they are our moral compass.
We are a society based on Halacha and Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law, and we know many Members of Knesset are not following Halacha. So, we need bills. 
We need to get along, as this is the reason it’s taken so long to rebuild the Temple. With Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, nobody agrees on the plans. It’s like a committee. And we know committees don’t help. To promote love and getting along, I propose yet another Israeli bill for change in Jerusalem.

BILL 5 - Give People Room on the Sidewalk to Pass
Note About Bill for Members of Knesset: This one was created right after Shabbat, when a guy and his kids wouldn’t move. They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk. If there would have been bills passed to lock these people up, I would not have to have written this bill. People like this, who walk on sidewalks should be locked up. Prison is the only place for them.

Act
Be courteous. Jerusalem doesn't have that much room. Since the destruction of the Temples people have been complaining about space in Jerusalem.
This falls under the same bills that require one to not cut people in line, or move into the turning lane at the end, when I am sitting in traffic for fifteen minutes. This may also fall under the "do your shopping before you put your cart on line" act, so that I don’t have to stare at your cart wondering why you're still shopping while your cart is on line. Again, wondering where you are. Also known as the "why are they bringing two items at a time to their cart, which I am waiting behind, because I finished my shopping" bill. Also known as the "it is not my job to stand on line and guard your spot" bill. Also known as the "I can't stand you" bill.

Problem
a) People do not share.
b) They don’t move aside for anybody, as that would make them a fryer. And fryers are good people, because they allow me to use the sidewalk too.
c) I have to walk down the sidewalk sideways, balancing myself on the curb. This is due to my American, non-Middle Eastern upbringing, which dictates that being giving to others is something positive. They told me growing up that being courteous doesn’t makes you a "Gever." Which is why Americans are falling behind. The education system in America is messed up.
d) People think that if they take up the sidewalk, it is theirs. Being the high taxation rate, they believe they have already purchased it. Which means my taxes are not at work.
e) They're using baby carriages as an attack mechanism. They're taking full ownership of the sidewalks with strollers. And it is hard to knock over a baby in full conscience. But it is not impossible.
In Tel Aviv, they're using dogs. Either way, these things are in strollers.
e) Other people might have jobs too. They need to use the sidewalk and street to get to those places. I'm not promoting employment. But we have to deal with the mistakes of capitalism.  
f) The Temple has not been rebuilt, and thus there is less room in Jerusalem. Ask the rabbis of the Mishna to explain.
Pirkei Avot teaches that nobody complained about space in Jerusalem during the times of the Temple. Which means that they didn’t have Chol HaMoed Sukkot traffic on Highway One.

Solution
a) Share. Have a course on how to not be a jerk. Just like traffic school, you have "don’t be a jerk" school. Also known as "don't be you" school, you teach the jerks about neighbors, and how they are people that live near you. You teach them to say hello and to not leave their garbage in the hallway, in front of their neighbor’s door. To practice, you sit people next to each other in a movie theater until they learn to share the armrest.
b) No couples holding hands, unless if they are willing to walk sideways while passing me. Just because you are a couple does not mean that you have more rights to space. Whatever happened to Israeli dance techniques and maneuvers.
I accept your affection, if you are willing to hold my hand too. Either hold my hand or Mayim Mayim BSason bridge dance with me. Make the bridge so people can go under, and let us all enjoy our day. Make others feel part of the love, and let us take up the sidewalk together in a Jewish London Bridge is Falling Down.
c) Have Gan (nursery school) teachers on patrol, and have them teach people to share. We can start with LEGO. The really big ones. Otherwise, these people will be placing the tiny LEGO all over the sidewalk, just to watch people kill their feet. And stop teaching musical chairs. It teaches bad Midot. We should be teaching kids to offer a chair when the music stops.
d) Courtesy. Teach people to turn sideways. If somebody is coming towards you on the sidewalk, shift a little. At least shuffle the legs and make it look like you tried. Maybe a shoulder tuck, which gives an centimeter to the oncoming.
e) If none of this works… Teach Americans to not be pansies, and to stop complaining about every little thing. Toughen up. No crying just because you're not from the Middle East. It’s an act of weakness to give up any of the sidewalk and to not walk straight ahead. Don't be afraid to knock over elderly people. If they're ninety and can't handle it, it's time they grew up.
h) Be a decent person. Do unto others as you would want done to you. You see somebody walking down the sidewalk, hail a cab for them. Scratch the backside of their ear for them. Follow them home and do their dishes.
i) Lock them up. Anybody who does not make room for me, put in jail.
This will get the Temple rebuilt.

Backup Solution
More space. Jerusalem needs more room. At least until we rebuild the Beit Hamikdash and there are better roads to the Old City.

A Frum beggar at the Kotel said, “I only take from a Jewish quarter.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A quarter is a coin. The Jewish quarter is an area of the Old City of Jerusalem. Two different meanings, hence it must be a pun. They must have Jewish quarters there. Read the pun in Yiddish. In US Yiddish “from a” means everything, and it can make sense. “From a” can also be a political statement. In Yiddish-English that Jewish quarter is probably a person who comes from the Jewish quarter. It’s a quite lucid unshackled language.
 
Why did the photographer take a picture of dessert? Because it was cheesecake. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Photographers say “cheese.” Cheese. Cheesecake. To deliver this pun correctly, be sure to extend the "cheese" in the cheesecake. Photographers like cheesecake. At least the ones I know like cheesecake. My lawyer friend also likes cheesecake. A lot of people like cheesecake. Why should photographers not like it?! On Shavuot we eat cheesecake. Wait till after the holiday to take pictures of the cake. Point is, cheesecake is a cake that likes to be in pictures.

The offering didn’t smell good. It was fowl. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Fowl. Foul. Foul breath. The bird they sacrificed did not smell good because it didn’t brush its teeth. Which is why you brush your teeth and use mouthwash. A lesson for the kids. The Kibbitzer puns are here to educate the next generation. And kids, never use fowl language. Your average human does not understand what pigeons are trying to say. Our children should be educated. We are just trying to help.

Why did the Jews working in Jerusalem wear denim? They were Levis. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Levi’s. Levis. Levi’s are jeans, made out of denim. Do Levites wear jeans when working in construction. I would like to think they wear jeans when putting up buildings.

When the spies came back from Israel, they brought not grape news. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Great news. Grape news. Sounds the same. The spies, the Meraglim, made the land sound bad, bringing huge grapes, with not grape news. Grape is used instead of great here. We don't want any misunderstanding.
  
The earth saw what Jews did when leaving Egypt, and then it ate a Korach sandwich. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Korach Sandwich. The earth eats Korach. On Pesach, due to the Jews leaving Egypt, we eat a Hillel Sandwich at the Seder for Koreych. The Hillel Sandwich is really a Koreych Sandwich. Here it’s a Korach. Not Koreych.

How do you know the red heifer had a cholesterol problem? She was not allowed to have a yoke. (Mordechai)
You get it? The Para Aduma couldn’t have a yoke. Yolk has cholesterol. The spelling of puns doesn't always teach the lesson you are trying to get across.

Announcements
To celebrate of July 4th and US Independence, we’ll have choolante.
 
End of Year Celebration. Summer break. July. It’s a coming into July celebration. We are happy to say the kids aren’t here. 
We are celebrating not having to see your kids. A Simcha this Tuesday night. The program will be highlighted by no kids.
 
The American Antisemitism program was greatly attended. We want to thank everybody for coming and learning about hatred of Jews. The rabbi did not come. To quote the rabbi: “I try to stay away from antisemitism. I will not go to a program that promotes it.”
 
The Jews at the Amusement Park program was greatly attended last week, because it wasn’t in shul. We will plan to have our next program at the Drinking Pit, as congregants will show to that.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How Choolante Made America Frum- Getting Fatter on Thursday Nights in Monsey. How to Celebrate a Bar Mitzvah Without Kids So That Everybody Will Be Happy. Why Programs on Antisemitism Draw People Who Also Hater Learning Torah. Should Our Shul Get a Water Slide or a New Torah- Discussions in Modern Jewish Practice.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Stop complaining about the cost of camp. The Jews were complaining to Edom because they were slaves for hundreds of years... You raised kids who are annoying. It’s not the same. Having to cook dinner does not mean you’re a slave. It’s called cooking... “Slaving over the soup” is not a respectable form of slavery... Freedom doesn’t mean your kids can pass through shul and bother everybody trying to Daven. You just freed yourselves from those annoying things. It’s like years of freedom. Each day at summer camp is a year of freedom. And that costs. Your kids not being here is freedom...

(Bamidbar 20:17-20) Edom doesn’t let the Jews pass through. After sharing the story with their cousins, and even saying, “We won’t use anything”. Even after saying, “We won’t turn right or left till we pass through your land.” It's like the time the Hershkovitz Mishpuchi didn't host anybody for the Frankel Bat Mitzvah. The Frankel's cousins had to stay at a hotel. Thus killing the weekend... When you have to spend $280 on a room, per night, for a Bat Mitzvah, you are not happy. I believe their family broke up because of it... Bat Mitzvahs should not cost a guest more than eighty dollars for the weekend...
We were telling Edom we weren't going to bother them. Your kids are annoying, and they bother everybody Ruchel. Even at the Bat Mitzvah...
Even not drinking water. Edom first threatens with the sword and then comes out to kill the Jews. Or at least with “a vast force and a strong hand.”
There is no end to the hatred. Anti-Semites don’t want us even passing through... I am saying your kids should not be passing through the Bima in the middle of Musaf. That's not antisemitism...

Edom is how to not do Hachnasat Orchim. Edom and the Hershkovitz family are not good at welcoming guests... Look what happened in Europe... 
This is what happens when you don’t have Hachnasat Orchim. Kids running all around. A messed-up July 4th celebration with choolante... You end up with a hatred of people. You don’t even offer me a drink. The rabbi passes by your house. You’re like Edom...
I do get the sense we need a strong force here to keep out congregants. Most of you show up to shul once a month... The daily is safe of anti-Semites. They know Jews don't go... Our congregants don't show up to Davening unless if they have a Yahrzeit. To Daven alone...

What makes Edom so disgusting is how they treat people finding freedom.
I’m trying to find freedom from this congregation. But you are evil. You all still come to shul. Once a month. But you still come.
July 4th is about freedom. You help people with freedom. You bring the food. You offer it. Don’t be like Edom. Offer food and punch... A Jew would’ve offered fruit punch to people passing through. You come to shul, you help feed people... No soup kitchen. You don't draw that element.
It is Independence Day weekend and we have a lot of divorcees in this shul. Dads can’t even pass through their own houses anymore... Let the divorcees into your home. Support them. Help people with their freedom...

Always choolante. How is choolante American?... So, say you put hot dogs in it for July 4th... Why don’t you celebrate America by mowing your lawn, Shlomo?!
Celebrate freedom. Fight Edom... Tucker Carlson is Edom.

Don't let kids pass through... Sending your kids to camp is a way of showing love for your people. It’s kindness. It supports freedom in our shul. For the Jewish people...
We are celebrating July 4th Shabbat by not having to see kids. It’s amazing. July is finally here. And Pinny, Bernie, and Leah Sarah are not. The kids are not here. B”H... The end of the year. Or is it July. We celebrate July. Because the kids are gone...
Why is the youth director getting paid? I understand, you have a youth director and that draws kids... Well. Right now, Merv is doing a great job. Kids are not here. Yashkoych Merv. Merv deserves a raise...

What happens when Edom acts as they do, there is hatred everywhere. They won’t even let us into the Topeka amusement park anymore. Antisemitism...
Why would I go to an antisemitism program? I’m not an idiot... Then why are you calling it an "Antisemitism Program." It's like you're calling people to come to learn how to be better anti-Semites. You could've had the shul board present that program... Well. Antisemitism was in the title. You were promoting it.
I didn’t go to the amusement park either... Because there are anti-Semites there Ruchel. To not allow Jews anymore...
I heard one of our members went to the water park and took off their shirt. Great way to fight back and claim it as ours. I am proud of Menachem. We all know how out of shape Menachem is... It was told to me that Jews are not allowed to go down water slides anymore. The town council head called me and said it is a rabbinic ordination... Due to how out of shape our community is...
Of course they are going to make you pay if you want to still go, after the banned us... They are trying to keep Jews out of the amusement park... It’s not antisemitism. They just know you don’t pay your dues...
It seems like you value water slides more than Torah.

The lesson we learn from Edom is to be kind. Let family pass through... From what Edom didn't do. Every day I learn from the board...

The problem happened when they weren’t even willing to give them a drink.
Have decent choolante for them... Don’t be like Edom. Treat people in search of freedom right. Send your kids to camp... Finally, I can Daven.

(Bamdibar 20:21) “So Israel turned away from them.” Sometimes you have to stay away from evil, even if it’s your cousins. And this is why everybody hates the Hershkovitzs... Run from evil. And this is why I will be going on vacation next month...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbis July 4th sermon was so touching. Especially the part about getting rid of kids for freedom.
The rabbi’s message of being parents, though, is not going over the way he wants. They are still having kids.

The Fountain Dew Hotel is not the greatest place. It's more like a motel guest house. But it's the only thing close to shul, and they charge a lot. The cost makes it more regal, and it is quite spacious if you hang out at the park right next to the Fountain Dew. 

Due to the rabbi's message, Hachnasat Orchim has changed in our shul. Now people are regularly cutting through my house on the way to shul. And they're calling me Edom, because I lock my doors when I'm sleeping.
The rabbi had the community out up in arms, looking for Edom, to fight the battle for our people. Once they realized that Harry's Doughnuts was fine with Jews shopping there, they relaxed a bit. They also realized that the mall was fine with Jews going in there and not buying anything. It turns out that Edom is not in Topeka, except for out the Fountain Dew, where they charge too much. And at the Hershkovitz house.

Never seen a rabbi so happy to celebrate not having to see his congregants for a week. I think he thought end of year gets him out of work too. The rabbi was not himself for a couple of days, after hearing that he was still the rabbi of the shul.
The July end of year celebration was for the school year, but he was happy not having to see the kids. To quote the rabbi's words he gave over at the celebration, “If only the parents left for the summer too.”

They served choolante on a barbecue. This made the July 4th celebration more American. There is a certain point where being Frum doesn't seem to capture the gestalt of America. 
At my family July 4th celebration we had deli. Pastrami is Jewish and American.

Merv took the rabbi's message to heart. He stopped working altogether. There are no youth groups for the summer. The director gets paid for organizing not having kids in the shul. And the rabbi decided that Merv should be doing that all year, as "the shul is so much better without youth."

Why so many Jews showed to the antisemitism program, I am wondering about that myself.

They banned Jews from going to water parks now in our town, thanks to Menachem's torso. The Jews are now protesting. Why Jews want to go places they are not wanted, I still can't figure this out. The antisemitism program and the water park now. Our congregants should be walking around with picket signs. Go down the water slides yelling in an act of protest. And because they're scared of shirtless Menachem. They should truly ban that guy from everywhere. Scare as anything.
There was a big fight at the water park, as at the antisemitism event they said to make a big deal and fight antisemitism. It turns out the park was against the act of public scariness of Jews in bathing suits. Children were scared. The town council suggested we keep Menachem in shul until he doesn’t scare people anymore. The rabbi was against that. The rabbi had to fight with the town to suggest to keep Menachem away from Minyin. The rabbi said that was not an act of antisemitism. It's just that the rabbi is scared of having to see congregants.
After much discussion and protest, Jews are now allowed at the water park with sweatshirts.

It is the worst amusement park. When you name the amusement park after your own city, that people are trying to get out of. People try to get out of Topeka to enjoy themselves. And now they're going to the Topeka Amusement Park. 

The renovations committee decided on the water slide in the sanctuary, to draw more people. The idea of a new Torah was nixed, due to the lack of draw.
The idea is to now have services at the Drinking Pit. I personally think we need kids around, to get the guys out of the Drinking Pit and back to shul for Davening. One positive aspect of kids is that they can't drink in shul, unless if Rob is there. Rob is the schnapps man to the children. The candyman job was already taken. Rob wanted to do something for the youth.

I shouldn’t have said I would use shul money and do non-profit renovations to my house if I was on the board, last week. That was a mistake. The IRS is now auditing me.

It turns out that I never hear about the programs when they're happening. They're always showing up in the announcements after they're done.
It must be one of those new shul safety things where you announce the program afterwards, so the anti-Semites don't find out. Though, I still think Menachem should warn people before taking off his shirt. It's disgusting. I would understand antisemitism if that was the reason.

Many people are worried about the uptick in antisemitism nowadays. Do not worry. There was a lot of antisemitism years ago too. I hope that comforts you. Your people has always been hated.
Antisemitism has always been upticked, even before Tucker Carlson and that Cortez acronym. And thanks to our American freedom and independence, they have the right to hate Jews. I don't know if freedom allows for hate speech against other minorities. But at least America allows the freedom to hate Jews.
Here’s a few stories from a child growing up in Rochester, New York, to bring anti-Semitic pride. I don't know if that sounds right. Maybe Jewish pride.
Yesterday we spoke of Rabbi Yechiel Meir Bergman and the dog that protected the kids from anti-Semites on the way to Cheder in Rochester. Today, let's talk about me, my childhood, and more anti-Semites.
 
Jewish Boy Playing Basketball
Years ago, I was a child. Shoot. Now you know my age. I played basketball in the Christian Youth Organization league, in Rochester. We were the Jewish team, playing for the JCC. We played for Jewish pride. We didn't do a good job of it. Any Jew that saw us play would have become an apostate. The Christian Youth Organization used us as the predecessors to Jewish for Jesus in the area.
I missed a foul shot one day and everybody yelled, “Jews can’t play basketball.” I asked my friend’s mom why I couldn’t play basketball. She said, “It’s fine. You can play basketball. They just hate Jews. They hate you because your people are bad at basketball.”
For a while I started not liking my people. They were the reason I was missing foul shots. Even more so, they were the reason I was getting fouled so much.
It turns out, anything a Jew does, the nation gets blamed for it. I learned this at a young age. Thanks to Bugsy Siegel and Meyer Lansky, everybody thinks I'm a mobster. One day, a Jew was purchasing a suit and he asked if it was on sale. Now, every Jew is cheap. Thanks to me, Jews can't shoot a basketball.
Due to my playing abilities, no Jews were drafted into into the NBA in 1990s, except for Doron Sheffer, who didn't play in the NBA. He decided to play in Israel, due to the antisemitism caused by my poor shooting. It was 2009 before they decided to finally forgive me and draft a Jew. Thank you Omri Casspi for getting them to forgive me for what I did to our people.

NeoNazis on the Way to Shul
Walking to shul, there were neoNazis on the side of the road. It might have been just a bunch of bald guys. Either way. They weren’t Jewish. And that is scary enough. They started yelling, “Jews.” Which is antisemitism at its worst and most dangerous. Never let anybody call you a Jew. Next thing you know, a car is driving down the street, beeping us. Even scarier. They also yelled, “Jews.” Maybe they were warning people about Meyer Lansky. I don't know.
My dad was a strong Jew, from Brooklyn. Jews from Brooklyn don't put up with anything. You tell a Jew from Brooklyn they're not allowed to join a pickleball game, they're whacking the racket over your head. Very violent pickleball players.
Abba started chasing them all down, at once. Both the car and the neoNazis. And they were probably neoNazis in the car. They had hair, but that might have been toupees. One Jew against twelve anti-Semites, or people who just wanted to say "hi" to some Jews.
Next thing I know, my dad is yelling, “One day, you’re going to be working for my son.” I heard that and I told my dad, “Abba. That’s why they hate us.”
I think my dad was talking about my older brothers. They are quite successful. I’m right now thinking about working for them.
 
The Time That Marshalls Charged Full Retail
I went to the clearance rack, and there was no “clearance” tag on the clothes. Not even a sale sign. Everything was the suggested retail price. I knew at that moment that Marshalls must hate Jews. That was a hard lesson for a fifth grader to take in.

Postscript
After the Marshalls fiasco, I realized the world is full of anti-Semites. From then on, I only made friends with people that hated me. I needed other people to play basketball with.
I thought I would help my people by dispelling the anti-Semitic myths of Jews being bad athletes by playing more basketball. That didn't help. I continued playing and missing shots. I have not done a good job of dispelling the belief that Jews are cheap. I am sorry, but I will not stop shopping at Ollie's, and going back to Kohl's weekly, to get my rewards coupon. And yes. I still use coupons. And all Jews use coupons.
Once I reached high school, every shot I missed, I let them know, "David can't play basketball." I thought it was important they knew that I was bad, and that my people should not have to deal with persecution. Due to my lacking basketball abilities, AOC got into government. 
It was tough playing basketball in Junior Bantam elementary with the weight of Jewish national peace and Israel on my shoulders. And I want us to apologize to my people. The reputation for Jews being chubby is on me. I still have baby fat. I like to call it that.
How hatred of Jews is expressed with "Jews can't play basketball" is still something I am trying to figure out. How that leads to “from the river to the sea” chants, I can’t tell you. I did once hear that Jews can't play basketball in the river. And after learning much Torah, I now know the Jews did not play basketball when leaving Egypt, even when Gd split the sea. If they said "Jews can't play floor hockey," I would understand that is pure hatred of my people.
I did improve once I started offering favors for baskets. Thanks to Bugsy and my reputation as a mob boss, I told them I would take out their mathematics teacher if they let me have a few open layups. I wouldn’t say favors for baskets was as altruistic as the Easterseals shootout.

A Postscript Message from a Child of the ‘80s
Antisemitism is not just in Rochester. Everybody in every city has a story. They hate us everywhere. I hope that helps you feel better living in America.
People have always hated us. “Why do people hate Jews?” Answer. Because they’re Jewish. I learned that as a child in a basketball game and at shul. Ever been to shul? Everybody hates Jews there. Tons of anti-Semites at our Minyin.
When I was growing up, you learned to be tough. You learned to chase after neoNazis in cars, to get a pickup basketball game going. You learned to miss foul shots with pride. You learned how to show the cashier at Marshalls the misstich, to get a few extra dollars off on a button-down. 
Back in the early 1900s, Jews couldn't even get jobs due to hatred of our people. Now we are bosses, and they hate us more.
Be tough. Stop crying. Let them know you’re Jewish and you're proud. And don’t live in Rochester. Apparently, there’s a lot of antisemitism there.
And get a dog. Get a dog or move to Israel.

This all happened in Rochester, New York, second half of the second millennium. Rochester is where people go for excitement, or because they immigrated to the United States and had a cousin in Upstate. Or because they thought Kodak would last more than twenty years.

These kids were growing up in Rochester in the 1920s. Kids grow up in Rochester. People get bigger in Rochester too. Their father, Rav Simcha Tillim, wanted them to learn from Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, a Tzadik. So, he walked his kids an hour each way every day to learn at the Tzadik's Cheder. Why Rav Tillim decided to buy a place as far away from Rav Bergman as possible is another story. It only took a half hour to get from one side of Rochester to the other. Yet, Rav Tillim understood Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. He wanted to instill that pain in his children. Which is known as Chinuch and why we make kids go to school.
Rav Tillim, himself loved exercise, and it turned out he wasn't getting his steps. Back in those days you tracked your steps by shouting out numbers. The conversations with his children on their way to Cheder, Jewish school, made it all the way up to twenty thousand.
Rav Bergman was a rav and a Tzadik, and we know this, because he had an Eastern European accent.
After a day of this exercise and getting in his steps, the father decided the kids should walk by themselves. He already got in the twenty thousand steps. That was enough. He also realized that he already knew the Aleph Bet. To quote, "Lama Ani Holech LCheder. Ani Kvar Yode'ah HaAleph Bet vAni Tzarich LShalem LaZeh. FuFuFuFu."

The Tillim kids came home crying that first day after walking by themselves, as people were pulling their Payis. "Pulling my Payis" is not a Jewish euphemism for joking around with you. I have never heard a Frum Jew say, "Stop pulling my Payis," to somebody who is not a Nazi. I am not saying Jew haters don't have a good sense of humor. I wouldn't want to offend them.
Dad wasn't around, and the children learned real quickly that antisemitism exists when you're not with your parents. As anti-Semites truly hate children. They didn't complain about the two hour walk. And this has me wondering why they didn't take a bus.
As a child in the early 1900s you got beat up every day on your way to Cheder. Why did they beat them up? Because they were Jewish. It was American tradition back in the early 1900s. You see a Jew anywhere outside of the Lower East Side, you beat them up. It was a fun activity. Something to do. Movies weren’t that good back then. Bad graphics. It was a Jewish educational tool as well. You get beat up on the way to school to prepare you for the rest of your life, where people will be trying to kill you. 
These kids were getting beat up two hours a day. Cheder was three hours. Thus, we now have five hours a day of Jewish education.
Why they kept going to Cheder? I don't know. Was there a different route? Yes. But that route would've taken an extra three minutes. 

They told their rebbe, Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, about the anti-Semites. To which Rav Bergman insisted they invite them to Cheder, so the kids would listen. Yard sticks and rulers weren't working in those days. After getting whacked by those a good hundred times, it doesn't bother you anymore. And many educators were sick of pulling out the spiked ball chain flail to help kids learn language. An anti-Semite standing in Shiur, the kids would listen and learn some Torah.
Their rebbe told them, “Come to Cheder and you will be protected every day.” It might have been the dad, Simcha Tillim, who said it, trying to get the kids out of the house so he could enjoy himself and the ice cream he brought home. I believe he purchased vanilla ice cream that day, and it was going to melt in twenty minutes. Back then, you had to eat ice cream real fast. Most families didn't have freezers. You picked up the ice cream from the grocery and you had eight minutes to eat it. So, you had to run home with spoon in hand and kick the kids out before it melted. Otherwise, you would have to share with them. And this is why parents also hate kids. In the early 1800s, before they developed freezers, you had to go all the way to Iceland to get ice cream, hoping a glacier didn't fall on you while you were putting on the sprinkles. That was the development of industry in Iceland. A global hankering for ice cream.
Anyhow. The children walked to Cheder and a dog escorted them every day. Never again were they attacked. I might have got that story wrong. But there was antisemitism. They didn’t even call it antisemitism back then. They called it interfaith dialogue. The Christians would say, “We hate you. You caused the black plague.” And then, to continue the conversation, they would physically assault you. That was only if the government didn't sanction them killing us.

For a year and a half, the dog would walk the kids to Cheder and then back. The dog would wait at the Cheder till it was over and then walk them home. The dog became proficient in Hebrew. It began saying, "Hav Hav." Rav Bergman was an amazing teacher and a Tzadik. At a year and a half the dog stopped escorting them. They finally gave the dog a treat.
For a year and a half, the dog was wondering why they hadn't given him anything yet. When he finally got the biscuit, he said, "I got what I came for. I can go now." Which was translated as "Hav Hav." Or maybe the kids just found a different route.

How the Cheder Started
Rav Bergman was fired. That's usually how Cheders start. He was teaching at a Hebrew day school and he taught kids that you have to listen to your parents, unless if they tell you to not keep Shabbis. Big mistake. Never tell Jewish kids in Jewish day school about Mitzvahs, especially when you're teaching Mitzvahs. When you're teaching the Ten Commandments, The Aseret HaDibrot, you're supposed to teach how to drive on Shabbat with your parents. Any rebbe that wants to keep his job in a Jewish day school knows that.
The principal heard this, closed the Chumash and fired him. I believe the quote was, "You don't teach Torah when you're teaching Torah." The principal understood how to run a Torah institution the right way. The way the Rochester community likes it.
That principal's hands were paralyzed for the rest of his life. So, we know it wasn't the principal that was pulling the Payis.

Lessons of What Followed
Nobody messed with Rabbi Bergman again. A Tzadik and a miracle worker, he had many jobs and nobody fired him.
It was years before anybody closed a Chumash again. People in Rochester would walk around with open books, in fear that they would die or get hiccups if they closed it.
The Smith brothers of Rochester later got a reputation for being guys you don't mess with. But they never closed a Chumash.

Jews started taking up boxing just to get hit in the face, as part of their Chinuch.

Rav Bergman was not seen as a Tzadik by the board of the Jewish day school, because the board of the Jewish day school was made up of a bunch of heretics. And it has thus been tradition in Rochester ever since to fire good rabbis who teach Torah. I'm sorry. I was fired for teaching Torah at a Jewish day school in Rochester, and I'm not even a Tzadik. I had to get it out somewhere. They should've kept me. I am extremely not devout.

The kids found a shorter route. Turns out Rav Bergman lived a block away. Their father just never showed his kids the shorter way.  To quote the father, "The most important part of honoring your parents is staying away from them." 
The kids stopped getting reward for suffering extreme pain. They had to find another way to get to Olam Haba, so they started pinching each other.

Why the anti-Semites were scared of a Maltese Poodle, I do not know.
Nobody knows the dog's name. They say it was a Gilgul, a reincarnation of somebody who wanted to educate children. Probably a Gadol HaDor, the greatest rabbi of their generation, a couple hundred years back, who got fired for teaching Torah to kids in Rochester. 

People come from all over to Daven at Rabbi Bergman's Kever, and they visit Rav Tillim as well. To this day, nobody in Rochester appreciates him. And now kids in Rochester take buses to the Jewish day school and learn arithmetic.

***I probably got the story wrong. See Nechama Burgeman's (September 21, 2010) notes in https://kevarim.com/rabbi-meir-yechiel-bergman/ for something that might be more correct.